Are you considering meeting someone that you met online?
You best consider sending them this application to fill out first.
Why? Well, just take a look at this:
1. My name is:_______________________________.
2. The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale
3. My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (U)ndetermined
4. The age group I fall into is:
(A) 40 and older.
(E) I wanna be a Teletubby.
5. In the past year, I have had:
(A) 1-5 dates.
(B) 6-10 dates.
(C) 11-15 dates.
(D) More than 16 dates.
(E) I sleep with sheep.
6. I have the proper height/weight ratio for:
(A) the average human of my age and gender.
(B) Gorgo, the four-head Dragon.
(C) a washer and dryer set.
(E) My gelatinous mass cannot be measured atany given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity.
7. The reason I stayed at home last Friday nightwas:
(A) the last time I got in a car, all fourwheels popped.
(B) strict upbringing makes me morallysuperior.
(C) the voices won't let me go out.
(D) it was a bad idea to drown Marge.
8. On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be takento:
(A) a romantic, candlelit Italian cafe.
(B) the local Waffle House -- love them grits!!
(C) Bubba's Beer and Bait Shop.
(D) the dumpster behind 7-11.
9. For entertainment, I like to:
(A) watch movies/plays.
(B) watch ****** fights.
(C) undulate my twelve chins to the theme of was not found on this server.
(D) snap the necks of mammals smaller than me.
10. My idea of the perfect male/female is:
(A) Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder.
(B) Eminem/Courtney Love.
(C) Oral Roberts/Janet Reno.
(D) my fist/my fingers.
11. My hobbies are:
(A) collecting books/stamps/insects.
(C) small Hungarian women named Loopy.
(D) eating at least ten times my body weight.
12. My first words were:
(B) "Seconds please."
(C) "Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!"
(D) "Touch me... touch me there."
13. My dream career is:
(A) millionaire playboy/playgirl.
(B) garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits.
(C) anything with barbed wire.
(D) street gang moving target.
(E) sumo wrestler.
14. I consider my body to be:
(A) a temple to the gods of desire.
(B) average, but could use work.
(C) proof God is far-sighted.
(D) I am mainland China.
(E) Just write "Titanic" on my behind.
15. If I could have one wish, it would be:
(A) peace on earth.
(B) piece of William Shatner's behind.
(C) four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman.
(D) a quick and easy cure for genital warts.
16. I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies:
(B) often, and they always insist on body cavity searches.
(C) my family portrait is at the post office.
(D) I was arrests #234-289 on "America's Most Wanted."
17. What I would like to accomplish in my life most is:
(B) a sixth finger.
(C) the ultimate Hellen Keller imitation.
(D) working my way into Oprah Winfrey's pants.
(E) Ridding the highway of all lone shoes.
18. A nickname my friends may give me would be:
(B) Scrotum Thief.
(C) Commander Nasal and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky.
(D) The Thrustinator.
(E) E tacy Maggot.
19. My favorite thing about holidays is:
(A) the warm feeling of being with family and friends.
(B) food, food, food.
(C) it means I'm one year closer to freedom.
(D) Grandpa's annual orgy of the Damned.
20. My favorite meal is:
(A) a well balanced healthy dinner.
(B) whatever's stuck to the bottom of my chair.
(C) anything that does not get away.
(D) hotdogs with a side order of lovin'.
21. My favorite type of literature is:
(A) computer tests like this one.
(B) public restroom stalls.
(C) anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality.
(D) the magic writing on the back of my foot.
(E) the toe tags at the morgue when I'm on my "rounds."
22. My political views are:
(A) Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal)
(B) Republican (money grubbing uncaring)
(C) Libertarian (What's the matter? Not enough spine for a real party?)
(D) Rastafarian (Hey, Mon!!)
23. (For females or Richard Simmons)
When I walk by construction sights, the workers:
(A) whistle and catcall.
(B) shield their eyes.
(C) jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly.
(D) throw rocks.
(E) Man, they can really aim that demolition ball.
24. If I were an animal in the zoo, I'd be:
(A) a love bird.
(B) an orangutan, throwing nasty things into the crowd.
(C) the dead animal that's been rotting for three days.
(D) a deformed, blind baby kangaroo.
25. My favorite type of music is:
(A) hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands.
(B) country music, cuz I'm a good ol' boy and I like to date my cousins.
(C) Tejano music (the soothing rhythms of a blaring accordion)
(D) Groups like "the Cure" because I can pretend I'm a vampire
and act so dark and depressing when I'm nothing more than
a sexually repressed teen who is upset 'cause my father
didn't hug me enough.
26. The best type of pet is:
(C) anything that can't get away
(D) Darn you! Darn you! Vulcans need no pets!
(E) toasters - don't ask.
27. My last relationship was ruined because:
(A) I dropped my pants and he/she laughed.
(B) he/she couldn't put up with my habit of putting my body parts
into pencil sharpeners and screaming, "Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!"
(C) his/her is scattered across Delaware - shhh, don't tell.
(D) she kept leaving the toilet seat up.
28. If my life had a slogan, it would be:
(A) "Get a piece of the rock."
(B) [Kool-Aid Man voice] "Oooooh yeah!"
(C) "Still legal in 32 states."
(D) "Mormon approved."
29. I use my computer most for:
(E) trapping hapless fools for consumption.
(F) trying to discover a user's footsize by handle.
(G) a sex slave.
30. What issues concern/interest you the most?
(C) foreign policy.
(D) cattle mutilations.
(E) If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me down yet.
(F) How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee.
31. The title of my (auto)biography would be:
(A) "Sweet Jesus! Thank God he's DEAD!"
(B) "Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre."
(C) "Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune."
(D) "Trying on His/Her Pants."
(E) "Still a Virgin."
32. My favorite pick-up line is:
(A) "Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?"
(B) "Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?"
(C) "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?"
(D) "I bet I can bench press you!"
(E) "Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so delicate... wanna make love?"
33. My sign is:
(A) Some zodiac thing.
(B) "Child at play."
(C) "All you can eat."
(D) "Billions and Billions served."
(F) "No parking"
34. My dream car is:
(A) a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer.
(B) the 1960's Batmobile.
(C) a hearse.
(D) anything I can fit in the backseat of.
(E) an Edsel.
(F) a Geo Metro hatchback (it's payed for or it gets me where I need to go)
35. If I ever got the chance to meet the author of this test, I'd:
(A) shower them with love and adoration.
(B) become the authors' personal tonsil hockey slave.
(C) attempt to beat the heck out of him.
(D) ask him to autograph my spine.
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