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Movie Computers · Movie Computers in Funny Emails with 1 comments on Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:45 pm

Ever seen a computer being used in the movies? Well, if Hollywood is to be believed, then computing and computers go something like this :

* Word processors never display a cursor.
* You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
* Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
* All monitors display inch-high letters.
* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
* You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".) All computers are connected.
* You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
* All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
* People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
* A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
* You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
* Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds.
* Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
* When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
* If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
* If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
* Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
* Computer disks will work on any computer that has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
* The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".) Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
* Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
* Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien", "2001" or "Hackers")
* Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

Learned from Corporate America

* Indecision is the key to flexibility.
* You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
* There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
* Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
* The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
* The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
* Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
* Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
* Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
* If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
* All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
* One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
* By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
* The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
* This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
* Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
* The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

Rejected Children's Book Titles

1. Strangers Have the Best Candy
2. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
3. Some Kittens Can Fly!
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. You Are Different and That's Bad
8. Dad's New Wife Michael
9. POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
10. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
11. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
12. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
13. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
14. How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School
15. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16. What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
17. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
18. Bi-Curious George
19. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
20. Grandpa Went To Hell

Top 10 Dumbest Criminals

1.

Strike one!
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
2.

"Hello? Guns for hire?"
Arizona: A company called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
3.

Say cheese!
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
4.

Drop everything and run!
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
5.

Just forget it Virginia:
Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
6.

Ouch
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help . . .
7.

Let's do a little math
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
8.

I know I forgot something Indiana:
A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
9.

You mean me?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
10.

The Hefty-bag
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.