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Please give me some honest insight on my breakup?




My ex and I dated almost 2 years. He is 19 and I'm 20. We are each others first boyfriend and girlfriend. Our relationship was amazing and healthy. Everything one should be and we were both very happy and respectful of each other. We deeply loved and cared for Another. I'm in college right now for my second year and he is finishing per reqs for his biology major to become a dentist. We go to the same school. Last July he broke up with me out of the blue and i was devastated and so was he, crying, ect. He said the reason was because of school and because he didnt know what he wanted, but had nothing to do with us, me or how he felt about me.

Over that month he was bothering me non stop telling me he misses me, ect and depressed. He asked me to get back together, we went at it for another month (which everything seemed to be moving very much back to normal). Until out of the blue he did it again. Once again he was very upset and crying and explaining to me how "he cant do school and me at the same time", he cant give me the attention i need (which i dont need a lot at all). He constantly reassured me that he does not not love or care about me, i didnt do anything, he is still attracted to me, im still his best friend (he doesnt have any other best friend), the most amazing person he has ever met and he doesn't want to see other people and that he doesnt want to "lose me completely". It's so frustrating. I have decided to not have contact with him.

It's been two weeks and he has tried to contact me twice and i haven't responded. He tells me the past two weeks have been very difficult for him and that he's still here for me to talk to, blah blah. Who breaks up with someone and texts them saying it's been hard for them?! Confusing right? He is my love but i have realized that he cant handle stress well. I'm a "distraction and when he sits down to study all he can do is think about me." Seriously? Get over that. It's a shame that this is where it is because he thinks he cant handle a non needy, busy gf while he is taking 2 classes. I'm heart broken and don't plan on talking to him for months (which i know would probably upset him). He always told me never to worry about breaking up, that i am his emotional and chemical counterpart and that he works hard so that we can have a future together one day. It's just such a slap in the face, because ill be honest when I say we were perfect and healthy together. He didnt get the grades he wanted the past couple quarters. Which is not my fault. I think he has blamed me for that. If anything he was always telling me "you never ask to hang out first or hang out with me enough". After all of this I still care for him and love him, a great guy but needs a wake up call on what stress really is in the real world. Is it likely for him to regret this? Do men always regret breaking up with a women that has only treated them well and supported them? He told me multiple time that he is emotionally unstable.

Thank you



2 blog comments below

Hi, Marina. College is a very unstable and emotional time in terms of relationships with others, and I guess you've found that out already first-hand.

While we can only free associate about what your ex is going through, the main focus is you. You do seem to be very caring and lovingly attached to your ex and I think that speaks volumes about your patience and dedication to what your relationship was. Its so easy to get caught up in another persons feelings, it can be beautiful and exciting (as you've probably noticed from when the relationship was good) but it can also be confusing and frightening. It seems as though your ex is confused about what he wants in his life, and he is taking you along for the ride. On again, off again, first he needs you, then he wants to be away from you, and still he cant cut the ties because you haven't done anything to warrant such a reaction in the first place!

It is also important to remember your needs! You should be having fun, learning, living and searching for yourself. It would be a shame to look back 3-4 years into the future and realize that someone had control over your heart and your emotions, and wasn't playing nice.

My advice? Set your boundaries. Make them clear and concise, to yourself and especially to your ex. Let him know that you are not going to leave his life, you two have been too close for too long (and from your post it seems like there hasn't been too many issues to call for a full abandonment of the relationship) but make it clear that you are not his anymore. A relationship is a shared experience and if he wants to let you go he must LET you go, there can not be any in-between.

If your boundaries include him as a friend, be his friend, but don't let yourself slip into being more until you are ABSOLUTELY sure that you two can do it.


*SIDENOTE* - If you wanted a reason as to why he might be acting the way he is.
I am a guy, and I can tell you (from experience) that more then anything else, we like to know things are ours. Be that a car, a dog, or a girl. (its where that nasty objectification thing comes from... we're sorry) From what you've said, it seems as though he wants to distance himself from the relationship, but he hasn't come to grips with the conclusion that if he does, you will find someone else to become romantically involved with, and most likely, before he does. I know, this doesn't sound romantic, but its like a mix of the human fear of loneliness and the alpha male dominance. Its irrational, unethical and misogynistic but we humans don't really have a clean track-record for being perfect, right? /*SIDENOTE*

This break-up seems pretty normal, you've been together for 2 happy years and the past 4-5 months have been tumultuous to say the least. Does it warrant you to leave his life forever? Not if you don't want to, but now would be the time if you do. Set your boundaries, and enforce them, it is your life and you should live it how you want, cause you only have one shot at it. Take a break, meet people and have fun. It is YOUR life after-all.
ltmarchen on Mon Oct 01, 2012 7:31 pm
College is a very unstable and emotional time in terms of relationships with others, and I guess you've found that out already first-hand.

While we can only free associate about what your ex is going through, the main focus is you. You do seem to be very caring and lovingly attached to your ex and I think that speaks volumes about your patience and dedication to what your relationship was. Its so easy to get caught up in another persons feelings, it can be beautiful and exciting (as you've probably noticed from when the relationship was good) but it can also be confusing and frightening. It seems as though your ex is confused about what he wants in his life, and he is taking you along for the ride. On again, off again, first he needs you, then he wants to be away from you, and still he cant cut the ties because you haven't done anything to warrant such a reaction in the first place!

It is also important to remember your needs! You should be having fun, learning, living and searching for yourself. It would be a shame to look back 3-4 years into the future and realize that someone had control over your heart and your emotions, and wasn't playing nice.

My advice? Set your boundaries. Make them clear and concise, to yourself and especially to your ex. Let him know that you are not going to leave his life, you two have been too close for too long (and from your post it seems like there hasn't been too many issues to call for a full abandonment of the relationship) but make it clear that you are not his anymore. A relationship is a shared experience and if he wants to let you go he must LET you go, there can not be any in-between.

If your boundaries include him as a friend, be his friend, but don't let yourself slip into being more until you are ABSOLUTELY sure that you two can do it.


*SIDENOTE* - If you wanted a reason as to why he might be acting the way he is.
I am a guy, and I can tell you (from experience) that more then anything else, we like to know things are ours. Be that a car, a dog, or a girl. (its where that nasty objectification thing comes from... we're sorry) From what you've said, it seems as though he wants to distance himself from the relationship, but he hasn't come to grips with the conclusion that if he does, you will find someone else to become romantically involved with, and most likely, before he does. I know, this doesn't sound romantic, but its like a mix of the human fear of loneliness and the alpha male dominance. Its irrational, unethical and misogynistic but we humans don't really have a clean track-record for being perfect, right? /*SIDENOTE*

This break-up seems pretty normal, you've been together for 2 happy years and the past 4-5 months have been tumultuous to say the least. Does it warrant you to leave his life forever? Not if you don't want to, but now would be the time if you do. Set your boundaries, and enforce them, it is your life and you should live it how you want, cause you only have one shot at it. Take a break, meet people and have fun. It is YOUR life after-all.
ltmarchen on Mon Oct 01, 2012 7:32 pm



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