You are invited to Log in or Register a free Frihost Account!

Need some constructive criticism from good writers

The all-nighter

He woke up to the cacophony of his phone's alarm clock, the big blinking numbers showing 2 am, his room awash in light one second and completely dark the next, his head pounding, his heart fluttering, his eyes struggling to stay open, his sense of reality distorted to the point where he couldn't tell whether he was still dreaming, his arms involuntarily whisking away the sheets that seemed to call him back with the same passion as Juliet beckoning her Romeo back to bed, his mind still stuck on that nice train ride through the country that he was on before being jolted back to reality by the evils of electronic technology.

He somehow managed to crawl out of bed and turn on the lights, which he immediately regretted doing, his hands jolting to his face to cover his eyes from the evils of electrical luminescence, while he cursed Thomas Edison. He got to his feet and walked out of his room, to the bathroom opposite his door, turned on the tap, cupped his hand beneath the running water, waited for the water to spill over his palms, and splashed it all on his face in one go. As the icy cold water unleashed a thousand needles on his face, he realized what a bad idea it was. He cursed the winter, before splashing some more water on his face.

Finally feeling awake, he went into his room, only to trip on the door mat and fall face first into the neatly stacked pile of books -- all of which looked absolutely pristine. He cursed the door mat. He stood up, and looked at the large round clock on his wall, slowly muttering under his breath: "2:05 am". "4 hours and 55 minutes more," he silently thought to himself, as he picked up a large book from the table. As he turned its pages, he realized this was the first time he was opening it. A sudden pang of panic washed over him; he couldn't tell whether it was the winter chill or the fact that he was opening his 1200 page book for the first time 4 hours before his exam. The panic quickly gave way to anxiety, then depression, then fear, then regret. "Why didn't I start earlier?" he thought, as he turned the pages, trying to comprehend the fleeting images of obscure Mathematical relations. "Why didn't I start yesterday?"

An hour into his page-turning frenzy, he realized he couldn't do it. So, he just went back to sleep, resolved to study well the next time.

The next time:

He woke up to the cacophony of his phone's alarm clock, ...

4 blog comments below

I don't put myself into the category of a good writer, however I've read quite a few things of yours CodeGeek, and you definitely have talent. Hope you will do something with it. Love your writing. It has passion, intrigue, atmosphere, tension, drama, everything that is required to grip a person in only a few sentences.
deanhills on Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:09 pm
I don't place myself into the category of a good writer either but nice work. So did you write that instead of reading?
standready on Fri Sep 26, 2014 10:05 pm
Thank you for the positive comments, guys.
@deanhills: You, sir, just made my day!
@standready: No, I'm actually just done with my exams. I didn't write this during my exams; I watched Youtube videos instead. Laughing
codegeek on Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:40 am
I want the stress feeling earlier - and hear more of his questions about himself and the situation. Of course he says: why didnt I open the book before --- but what is his answer? Is he failing to realize that he is on a wrong path? Maybe the book doesnt really interest him at all?
atman_ninja on Fri Oct 10, 2014 1:04 pm

© 2005-2011 Frihost, forums powered by phpBB.