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Frustration and Anxiety with a Side of Toast

It seems this month has been... Bad... Sorry for the spelling, this is on my phone.

I've been growing more and more frustrated by the fact I can't talk to my mom. She was a listener and I could talk to her about anything. Work, the cats, the new car, my apartment. It could be big things or seemingly insignificant. I don't think it mattered to her because I was her daughter. She loved me and appreciated my blathering on about nothing.

It's been over 4 years now so it sort of seems odd for this to come up seemingly out of nowhere. To feel angry that she's not here. I'm not recentful of those with their mom and or dad. Maybe a bit jealous...

The feelings only go more raw as I felt I was nearling her birthday. Today she would have been 64 years old... Doesn't seem fair that she never got to retire... She spent her whole life working and never got to enjoy what others will and are enjoying. We've seen two of our folks off to retirement and they seem to be in impeckable health... It's just sad... And annoying...

Heap on these heavy feelings and throw in a sick cat and well... I had a bit of a breakdown.

Mynx had another episode of bladder issues. Started with excessive grooming of her nether region. She was squatting in odd places. When she seemed to try to pee it wasn't much. Eventually there was blood. We'd been through this before and past tests showed she might have had an infection but there were crystals as well. It was a few days before pay day. I tried to wait it out a bit to see if I could coax her to eat more of her urinary SO canned food and drink more water. I couldn't stand to see her like this. Eventually I called and made an appointment with the vets the day before pay day. I felt I might be able to afford some of what she needed.

I could pay for the vet exam at least. I also felt I could come up with the money for the urinalysis. The vet wanted to do x-rays to rule out stones because he recalled she was there before. That's where I hit the limit. In that moment where I was boxed in with being forced to pay all that up front and no offee for payment plans, a promise to pay the rest happily tomorrow.. I broke down into tears in the vet office. I was overwhelmed with the feelings of helplessness and being a failure because I couldn't do anything in that moment to help my cat. My cats are like kids to me. I couldn't stand the thought that Mynxight get worse, that I might lose her.

The X-ray tech team lead... I don't really think k she got it... They were too stuck in their stance... They absolutely needed the money right then and there like they got paid daily or something rather than every two weeks. She said she had to make sure they got the money to pay their techs... Well that just doesn't make sense.

Financially I was screwed. I get paid once a month and really wasn't expecting this. I can't make money appear.

I paid for the vet visit and took my cat home but had the x-ray appointment the next day. I went back into my car and nearly hyperventilated. It took me too long to get out of there because as soon as I seemed to shakily put my pieces back together they'd fall away.

Queue m my downward spiral with my health. I managed to make the appointment for the xrays but the stress was just draining me. Something about hormones you release when you're stressed and probably any energy or vitamins and minerals that your body consumes while stressed. I wanted to fall over. I was there for two hours. I also agreed to have them try to poke her bladder to draw out urine but that failed... On the plus side I got to see her x-ray and she didn't have stones. I was happy I recognized the organs.

I took Mynx home. I was still worried because we still needed her urine to figure out what was up. She wasn't making this easy... She wouldn't pee in the box I'd set aside... I still haven't come up with a sample.

I posted about some of this on Facebook. I tried to go to bed and woke up at some point. I checked the time and saw I had a long message from my sister. Only she could try to be helpful in the most condecdnding manner.

Basically she suggested Mynx actually had idiopathic cystitis. There are no crystals or stones or backteria. She's basically stressed and her bladder becomes inflamed. She recommended I grab a feliway diffuser and food that supposedly could help decrease stress. I hunted down a diffuser late the next day once I was able to roll myself out of bed, which was my couch. After reading that message I fell apart again. Decided I needed to cry a bit so I found the video slide show the funeral home made of photos of mom. Good 15 minutes of mom. Good while of me crying. I eventually went to sleep again around 5am. Got up around 9 and cleaned myself up. Tried to have something to eat. Felt safe enough to drive around to 4 pet stores later I acauired the prize. The diffuser effects will take some time to kick in but... We'll see. I'm sure it will help.

I eventually tried to turn some attention to myself. Tried to get some food to help find some relief to the dizzy and weak feelings at my core. Pulled out the B100 vitamins I had to see if that would help. I think it did...

I should also mention I was sick as a dog the previous week. After that I didn't really have an appetite. I'd go the day eating maybe two ofy granola bars... Drank tea... The heat of that probably eased my stomach... I just didn't want to eat. That's probably what contributed to my lousy body feels. That and the stress...

Hoping tomorrow will be a bit better. Still a bit frustrated. Still a bit sad... Wish I knew how folks managed... Just feel so alone. Just me in a room and my emotions is another body sitting beside me.

4 blog comments below

Things that will hopefully help Mynx a bit... I think she's been more stressed out by the noise on the other side of the apartment door. There are louder people and there are also a lot of dogs too, plus a couple small kids.

- clean the litter out at least once a day. Should have been doing this anyway but I was lazy. Trying to scoop it before work and after work and before bed.

- increase frequency of their feedings. I was doing 6am and 6pm. Increasing that to 6am 12pm 6pm and 12am and reducing the amount of dry food they get. This will hopefully allow My to lose weight.

- increase wet food and there you increasing water intake. I have the urinary SO wet food to help increase the acidity of their urine and prevent formation of crystals that seem to be quite common in cats. I'll continue to feed them a quarter cat before bed. I might look at another in the morning... Not sure yet...

- engage Mynx in play more often. I don't really play with her... Luna has been easy because she sometimes likes getting chased and she loves the laser pointer. Mynx to a point will play with the stick with the feathers at the end... She also likes this stress ball like thing if I toss it around. She races after it like a dog, she just doesn't bring it back.

- use the feliway diffuser to reduce stress. Just gotta wait for it to kick in...

I might try to grow some more cat grass for her... She liked that stuff. It's tough because her eating it also kills it because she likes it too much.
TheGremlyn on Fri Dec 01, 2017 6:27 am
Wow - you're going through rough times. Wonder whether the frayed feelings are a reflection of your own health and hope that B100 is going to help fix it. I can relate to the feeling of being bonded with a person to the equivalent of unconditional love and then all of a sudden it's gone. When you feel below par you miss it doubly.

Going to a vet these days is shocking how expensive the visits are.

Here's wishing you and Mynx to get better soon!
deanhills on Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:29 am
Sorry to hear you and Mynx are having a rough go and I hope you both get better quickly.

As for parents, I have the opposite. My so called Dad never even talks to me. The Mother has called me a 'worthless a-hole that never has done a dam thing for them ever' for the last time back in May. She has said that and 'I am NOT their son' anytime she does not get her way. Have not seen or talked to either of them since.
standready on Sun Dec 03, 2017 5:10 am
I had my time to try to cry. It's hard for me to do that... I bottle... I stuff it down as far as it will go. Usually, need something to make me cry.

I don't usually like to talk to my friends about this stuff because I feel like a broken record as it's usually the same stuff over and over, just a different day... a different year.

Mynx is doing better. She's peeing in the litterboxes and I've given up trying to get a sample. Maybe she really was just stressed. I think another sign something might have been up was how she wouldn't come to bed with me. Usually, she's always up there with me when I'm settling down. I noticed her absence leading up to all this for several days and I wondered what was up. Granted, Luna has taken to being on the bed as soon as I lie down as well. I figure she's pissed about that. They seem to be able to share...

I usually have Luna at my side like a dog snuggling in close. Mynx is at my feet. Luna eventually leaves and at some point, Mynx will migrate up to the pillows beside me. Twice now I've been woken up because she's stretched right across the pillow. When she sleepily stretches out her back foot boops me in the nose.

I wonder about the relationships other people have with their family. You definitely see those that seem to be on good terms of GREAT terms with their family. You kind of wonder how they do it... what's so different about them? I assume their parents grew up a certain way and are a certain way... and their parents as well... or maybe they were shit parents and they just vowed to be different because they didn't want their kids to go through that.

Then there are others. Some never talk about their family. In a work environment, I could see that as them trying to be private and keep their work environment professional... detached. Other times maybe it's just not good and they don't want to air the dirty laundry.

There are folks worse off... Stand, that sounds pretty rough to get that from your parents. My dad stopped talking to me first when I was trying to learn to drive. Was trying to pull into a gas station to the pumps. It's such a blur now and I don't even remember what was around me anymore but dad just started yelling at me to stop. And I think he said other stuff but I couldn't hear anymore. I was crying and hyperventilating and needed to get out of the car. Made a scene I'm sure... I don't think getting yelled at was called for.

In the end, I think he knew he screwed up. And he couldn't own up to it and apologize. So he stayed silent. Only mom's death got him talking. For a brief moment. I didn't trust it. I knew he'd fall away again, but I expected him to get mad at me or something. Instead, he just stopped and it hurt... and it frustrated me.

My sister was just pissed because I couldn't go home for Christmas following mom's death. She said it was supposed to be about our nephew and making sure he had a good Christmas. A load a crap if I ever heard it. I do love my nephew but it really wasn't all about him. I think my sister deluded herself into believing that line. I thought it was pretty selfish for her to not understand where I was coming from at all. How do you go back to a house where you saw your mom lying dead first in the one bathroom and then again on the kitchen floor where first responders tried to work on her? I was there when dad yelled at me to fall 911. I was there when dad was doing CPR and (not going to lie he was drunk) he was yelling at my mom to not do this and sobbing and saying he was gone. And all I could do was say he had to keep going until they got here. Felt like ages... I called my sister right after the 911 call. I waited... she didn't show until the ambulance did and it felt like half an hour had passed. Geez, even when we got to the hospital and they eventually came out to confirm mom had passed my sister was a wreck and my brother seemed like he didn't know what to do with himself. I ended up calling our closest relative, my mom's youngest sister, to let her know. My sister couldn't talk and she was throwing up a bunch.

Disillusioned to be the youngest in the family and the one to try and maintain order and get things done. I always expected the 'adults' to take charge. But instead, I was that adult.

Ok. wow. I got angry there. Woooooooo.

I might not be so bitter towards my sister now had she not been the way she was that first Christmas. At most I'd see us walking on eggshells for a bit while our emotions and nerves and stuff settle...

TheGremlyn on Sun Dec 03, 2017 6:22 pm

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