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Last Year

I don't know why I thought I could go back to sleep after a dream like that, why I thought I could just fall asleep for another 2 hours.

It was last year, that night mom died. It was probably around 6pm and I didn't really realize I was in a dream. Mom and dad were talking and I was sort of confused and I don't know what they were talking about. Then I started to panic, very slowly, as time progressed. Then I saw mom make a face and she was rubbing her abdomen. Then I went into panic mode.

I took mom's hand and brought her into the kitchen and told her to sit on the floor while I reached for the phone and dialed 9-1-1. Someone picked up and I saw we needed an ambulance right now and I told them mom's abdominal aneurysm burst. The voice on the other line was, at most, mumbles. I was crying hard and hard and I turned to my mom. I remember saying I was sorry and I said "you know I love you, right?"

My brain was frantic, watching mom as she started to have difficulties breathing and she started to look was like was panicking too. I could see her touching her head because she felt disoriented.

The dream ended shortly after that and I woke up. I was doing my panicked breathing routine (I wasn't hyperventilating but I take a deep breath and huff it out?). I wasn't crying when I woke, I didn't feel like crying either. I tried to push the dream aside and just roll over and go back to sleep. I checked the time and saw I had 2 hours left. As I lay in bed my brain just kept thinking about the dream.

I started thinking about how if I could go back in time I'd get them to drive to the hospital somehow and then I'd tell the triage nurse that my mom has an aneurysm that will burst at 8pm and they need to get her into surgery to even attempt to save her life. I just seem myself getting weird looks from everyone and general inactivity. I just see myself yelling and crying and begging people to do something but nothing ever happens. Those thoughts frustrated me and then I almost felt myself cry. I tried pushing those thoughts out and to think of other things but I couldn't. I couldn't put that much focused energy into thinking of something else, those thoughts just kept rolling back in with absolutely no effort.

So now I'm here with an hour before I technically have to be up... Maybe I feel better after getting that out of my head. Maybe I feel a little better with cheery Legend of Zelda music playing. I don't know... I'm going to look for something else to do now...

2 blog comments below

I don't know what to say, L. I know how close you were to your Mom. Thanking you for sharing and I do hope it made you feel better. I/we are here for you the best we can over the distance.
standready on Wed Feb 05, 2014 5:16 am
I'd been plodding along well enough for a little while. The last dream I had of her was a while ago and my brain isn't as crowded anymore. I think the dreams are the worst because I can recall them so vividly in my mind afterwards. They're tough to shake. I think the dream made me email my dad cause I hadn't sent anything to him in at least a month. I had to tell him about my blanket, and I emailed him again last night cause I'd come home to a dark apartment (no power for a couple hours). He listened to the news in the morning so he also knew what had happened. We have the weirdest relationship going here!
TheGremlyn on Wed Feb 05, 2014 3:31 pm

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