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I Hate My Dreams

I mostly mean this. I feel like they're tormenting me. When I talk about my dreams I mean the ones about my mom. They're the only ones I seem to remember. I don't have them too often but do they ever throw me through a loop!

I'm not sure what other people's dreams are like when they've loved a loved one like that. I'm not sure how the dreams differ depending on how they lost their loved one. With how suddenly I lost my mom, they where, what, and why of it all...

When I dream of her we're together and we could be sitting in a room together, driving somewhere like we used to, or travelling in some other manner. Some dreams it's like normal life... like she was never gone... until something happens and I snap in the dream and start crying and hugging her or I'm being held by her. Other times I have this 'impending doom' feeling. Like I know something bad will happen and that it might be stress that sets it off, or something else. Not knowing what will happen to her, only know that I will lose her.

One recent dream, we were driving in her car, the one that was totaled. A cop pulled us over and was being rude and forceful with my mom, telling her to get out of the car and put her hands on the car and questioning her rather harshly. I was panicking in the car thinking the stress was going to kill her or something and I wanted to jump out of the car and tell the cop off, yell at him, make him go away. We eventually resumed driving as normal but I was still scared that mom was going to die soon.

Waking up after one of these leaves me sort of numb. I go back to sleep and wake up for my normal morning routine and my brain can only think of the dream... and I move through my routine like a zombie. Then when I tell someone like my counsellor about the dream (or type it up like this) I practically start crying.

My one friend says he's not surprised I'm having these kinds of dreams. He says I've suffered through a great trauma and my brain is still trying to process and recover... Maybe my brain is... I sure as heck still miss my mom! I can't tell if I'd feel better or worse if I never dreamed over her... I remember her so perfectly in my dreams. Even though I can't really remember what she says I know her voice is the same and her hair is the same and eyes and her clothes...

You've no idea how many times I go to my sister's Facebook to find the video she posted about our dog's birthday (dog passed away some years ago). In the video mom and my sister are singing happy birthday. Then afterwards my mom is being silly and talking to the dog asking her is she's going to blow out the candles, etc. Makes me cry that I'll never hear her voice again!

Anyways, I need to calm myself down. Relax a bit so I can get to bed and sleep so I can get up and function for work tomorrow. If I was working the late shift I'd take a moment to ball my freaking eyes out!

7 blog comments below

I think your friend is right,it takes time to process something like that and your brain does this via dreams,I would suggest not to fight it,allow your sleeping mind to do its thing,allow it the time to make sense of things without the awake mind putting obstacles in the way,maybe because you don't want to let go and you haven't fully faced up to the reality yet that she has gone.

Maybe even take solace in the fact that in your dreams she will always be there.
truespeed on Fri Nov 08, 2013 3:31 am
When we lost someone we loved, the sadness haunts for a long time.

Time will never heal the wounds, but healing takes time.

One day, you will have a happy dream that your family are with your mother,
and you are satisfied that you are with your loved ones again and have a good time in your dream.
rx9876 on Fri Nov 08, 2013 4:16 am
You're never going to reach a point where you no longer miss your mom... though it will become less acute. Don't hold that as some kind of achievable state or benchmark. It's going to take a lot of time to come to terms with her sudden loss; that's normal.
My wife lost her father near five years ago now. Like yours, her loss was kind of sudden; he died of complications from his diabetes, and it happened fairly quickly. She doesn't think about him all the time anymore, but at first she was dealing with fairly similar feelings to those you appear to be. It's taken time, but she has come to terms with his death, and really only gets hit with sadness on/approaching important dates like his birthday and some holidays. I doubt she'll ever not feel that loss.

I hope you manage to calm and get a decent rest tonight. Good luck.
Ankhanu on Fri Nov 08, 2013 4:47 am
This can't be nice at all TG. Got to be exhausting too. It will pass however eventually in a very subtle way.
deanhills on Fri Nov 08, 2013 10:32 pm
What add I say that others missed? Not much really. Sub-conscious like to surface during sleep. I know you miss your Mom. She must have been fantastic.
standready on Sat Nov 09, 2013 12:46 am
Sleep wasn't that hard to come by last night. I had enough time to cry and calm myself. Settled into bed after a tea and fell asleep to some show. Then I had an interesting dream where I was going to a 3 Doors Down concert at the University. I somehow got VIP access (must be because I workout n the help Desk Razz). Heard some good music and med the band members. I even got a ride home from them!

Definite sign it was a dream, but a good one that I remembered! Of course this left me with the desire to listen to their music. Found out I didn't have the songs on my iPad and I didn't have time to transfer them before work. Went the whole day thinking about the music and since it's been so long I could only vaguely recall what they sounded like. Anyways, got them now plus their newer albumn (from 2011??). I am content.
TheGremlyn on Sat Nov 09, 2013 4:04 am
I should also point out that you guys are awesome.

I'm on again off again dragging my feet. I'm as strong as I can be and sometimes I need to give in to that moment of weakness. Being strong all the time has its downsides so I take that moment to break down. I go so long being strong it's a little overwhelming. I'll be cracking around the edges as the sorrows try to get in and I push back and it's like I'm hurt by the cracked edges.

I feel this happening and wonder how I haven't collapsed and in the evening I heave a sigh and my strength seeps out and I just wait for that storm to hit and I ride it out. The storms are shorter and not as intense but that will vary depending one the time of year. Birthdays and holidays are tough and Christmas will probably be the worst. But I will stay strong and when I have that moment alone I will be weak so I don't completely lose it forever!
TheGremlyn on Sat Nov 09, 2013 4:13 am

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