You are invited to Log in or Register a free Frihost Account!

Afraid of Something Good

I supposed I've struggled with this for some time. I never understood the concept of love. With my parents I saw that they obviously cared for each other and they got married and eventually had three kids, bought a house, etc. I remember they used to kiss each other goodbye in the morning when I was young, and I saw them fight a bit too. With my sister she used to talk about how the guy she is currently with is the one she truly loves. She talked about how he could make her feel so special, treat her like a princess, make her feel like she's the only girl in the room just by looking at her.

I've only been in 3 relationships. None of them were right for me. Bad match, really. I jumped into them head first without thinking. Usually it was a combination of finding them someone attractive and the guy making obvious they liked me. I never really got to know them and they never really got to know me and we'd butt heads quite often.

For some years now, since I first worked at a call centre for Apple, I met a guy in the same training class and once we got on the floor to take calls we would usually sit next to each other. Our shifts usually went until 9:30pm so he would walk me home at night (not that it was a scary, dark walk home). Other times we would go to a restaurant and get a late dinner and share some wine (I can really only drink wine when I'm with him, any other time and it's terrible). Days where we didn't work and we weren't in school we would go on ridiculously long walks (day long walks, really). We'd also jump from cafe to cafe drinking coffee and talking about just about anything! All the time and we never rubbed each other the wrong way. He would never get mad at me and I never got mad at him about anything.

With my recent relationship choice we kind of dropped off from each other. A couple of my friends who saw us hang out or knew about us would tell me how he likes me. I guess I knew that but it was never talked about. So I just carried on like we were friends. But when we fell away, and he never texted me or messaged me online... It hurt.

Now, over the past few months, we've mended those bridges and have talked a bit online. We've been out and about. First time we met up we had coffee. He still looks exactly the same. Conversations were slow at first but we found our rhythm. We eventually were back at that same restaurant and we were drinking wine.

Yesterday we went out to a patio restaurant and I helped him spend a $100 gift card he won on the radio. Sadly they dropped the last veggie burger they had so he had to find something else to eat (he's a vegetarian). After that we walked around a bit and found our way to coffee, then more walking. Then we found our way onto a dock on the opposite side of the lake there and we could see the fountain, lit up with it's colourful lights. The moon was also out and it was quite peaceful. So this is ALL very cliche romantic!!!

I got very nervous. He tried to say something a few times but stopped... then he finally spit it out. He asked me "are you at all interested in being more than just friends". So perhaps a little sudden. I immediately had a stressed out nervous 'tell'. I was rubbing the thumb of my right hand repeatedly (I could have worn that damn thing off!). He saw that and we did talk a bit about it.

I confess... I'm terrified. I am so afraid of taking that kind of step. Dating in that way and, over time, becoming more intimate. It scares the ever loving daylights out of me! I'm afraid of screwing everything up and then he's going to hate me. With the guys I have so much in common with and the ones I get along so well with who are probably perfect for me, I'm afraid of them. I told him I'm afraid he'll hate me, that he'll see my bad side and think I'm a monster. He countered that by saying I'm an extraordinary person. He's been around me long enough that, if I had a bad side, he would have seen it by now.

He understands I've got a lot going on and I'm stressed beyond belief. At least when we walked back and he walked me home it wasn't awkward. He did say, after some of what we talked about while we were on the dock, "don't think this is going to stop me from seeing you."

I just don't want any actions I make to mess up what we have. And I don't want my inaction to mess it up either. The advice I have is that I can let him know that, yes I like him, but I need time, I need things to move slowly and that I'm afraid of the 'touchy feely'. Sometimes you wouldn't know I'm 25... I sound like a wee child!

Anyways. I have no idea what to do and if we add this onto everything else I'm dealing with, I sort of feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack! Nothing I do seems to make it go away so I think it's off to the Doctor's Office for a good chat about my anxiety and muscling my way back into counselling. Now that it's been about 5 months since mom passed that counsellor shouldn't be so worried about taking me on.

7 blog comments below

Man, those kinds of feelings take me back (well, not the actual anxiety, I don't think I have an issue with that)... the whole "how can I proceed and not screw up the friendship" thing. In my case, I never managed to confess my feelings, and nor did she (though I think she felt much the same), so things never got the chance to grow beyond the friend level (though we're still pretty good friends).
Good luck figuring things out; I don't have any real advice, other than confirming that being committed to a relationship with someone you genuinely consider your friend, as well as partner, is a wonderful thing and should be encouraged. Remember, it's a partnership... a working relationship requires both parties to want it to work, and both parties have to work together. Though it's really hard to do, be open and honest, and he'll likely work with you whichever route you choose. He's obviously interested in working with you, and will likely support you as needed in the pace that you can handle.

I say give it a chance, and don't over think things; our brains create monsters where there are none... or decide they exist FOR other people who should be allowed to make their own judgment calls Wink
Ankhanu on Mon Jul 22, 2013 2:50 am
Thanks Ankhanu. I guess I have to take the step and talk with him about it. Communication is my friend here. He's very understanding and i've been able to talk to him about so many things, this shouldn't be any different. My brain is cruel to me. It has me fretting over the future and I cease to live in the present. I need to bring myself back down to earth and really take it one step at a time. A woman I jokingly call my adoptive mother (I'm her adopted daughter as well Razz) she said I should tell him I like him but that I may not be ready for a relationship. Or that I should move slowly with this and build that foundation.
TheGremlyn on Mon Jul 22, 2013 2:56 am
Maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe you could ask him to give you some space until you're able to come to terms with what you want/need. If there is something really good between the two of you, this would be a good way to give it the best chance.
deanhills on Mon Jul 22, 2013 4:48 pm
Well. L, You already received far better advice before I posted.
I will say (guess actually) that you have told him about all things you have going on and to sort through. If he truly cares and understands, he will be happy to give time and maybe a little extra space and will not run.
Best of luck.

BTW: I don't understand love either. My parents just existed together or fought. Not what I want in a relationship.
standready on Mon Jul 22, 2013 9:48 pm
It does feel like its too soon. I think I would have a great deal of respect for him if he did give me that space. I just don't want him to run away. I also don't want to feel like I have to make some big decision right now because I'm being backed into a corner. From what I know of my mom and dad... They went to school where I work and they met on the bus to used to ride on. My dad just made that choice to talk to her and that's where it started. I guess it felt right for them... For several reasons that are often unknown to me. My dad can be horribly practical. Maybe for my sanity I shouldn't be thinking what relationships because it is really putting a great deal of strain on me. I hate the way my chest feels and I've been feeling rather sick lately and sleep has not been easy. Damn and I forgot to call my doctor's office today!
TheGremlyn on Mon Jul 22, 2013 10:30 pm
I agree it shouldn't be stressful. (it being love life) Life has too many stresses already without it being another stress on top of life's demands.

I remember kindergarden, there is nothing wrong with children, why not think like one, why not act like one as long as it is not foolish or hurtful? I remember. I got it right there. I asked do you want to play with me and we did. It wasn't complicated. Now it seems complicated. Adults have too many hangups I guess.

Love is suppose to be kind, understanding and caring. If we have someone in this world where we can find all those things we are blessed I think.

Why do we look elsewhere? We should be able to talk easily and say anything we want with someone we love. Even if it is look I am afraid, I feel pressured right now, I need space, I need time. A friend would understand. Someone that loves us would care.

What is a mismatch anyway? Maybe it is finding someone that is more needy than we are?
Bluedoll on Sat Jul 27, 2013 4:22 pm
im from mng. today is rainny, im so happy because thats im awaiting for. great day
tsganzorig on Sun Jul 28, 2013 12:55 pm

© 2005-2011 Frihost, forums powered by phpBB.