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That's what is feels like when I get hit with this. I think I know what it's going to happen now. The day will seem normal and nothing stands out about, nothing that might trigger this downward spiral, the feeling that I've been hit by a freight train. I'll just suddenly feel wrong, I'll feel like crap. I won't know why and I'll walk with this feeling for a moment before I break down.

I stagger and I fold in on myself. I lie on my bed or sit on the couch with my arms wrapped around my head, my body curled in on itself. I can't stop the tears, I can't stop the shaking, I can't stop the feelings.

I feel lonely.
I feel worthless.
I want to disappear into another world,
I just want to disappear.
My chest aches from the pain and the crying.
I just want it all to go away.

I don't want to be here feeling what I feel.

I feel trapped with no where to go.
I have no one to I can talk to.
I have no one to comfort me and tell me that things will get better.

The loneliness makes it worse. The despair cuts deeper making me feel worse.

I want to give up, but I know it's not that easy.

I want to be better, but I know it's not that easy.

I want to just curl up in my bed and never come out but I can't do that, I have to work to live a little.

I want to find and use something that will numb the pain but I know that's reckless and dangerous and irresponsible.

I feel trapped here but I'm afraid to go out.

I have the random energy to be somewhere, to do something, but no desire.
Other times I have the desire but not the energy.

What I wouldn't give to be someone else. To be somewhere else. To forget who I am and everything I've been through. Just start life with a blank slate. Have a new name, grow a different personality, learn new things and become someone else.

I want to believe this will be the last time I feel like this, but that's not possible. This is going to keep happening and these feelings will keep comping back. They frequency made decrease, the severity may lessen... Maybe I won't always be alone and someone will share the burden of my grief and help me to stand on my two feet again.

Or maybe I will be alone each time. Choosing not to burden others with my pain, choosing not to be a burden.

2 blog comments below

I don't have an answer for you. I get the same way more often than I wish I did. After many years, I have learned to cope with those hopeless feelings and eventually those feelings fade. They do return though without warning.
When I am around others, I can mask those feelings as if they would care anyway.
standready on Thu Jun 27, 2013 12:08 am
I did get over it. Like I knew I would. Just had to let it out and after about an hour I was kind of ready to go to bed. This evening you wouldn't know that had happened... Managed to get myself out to my gym, a place I haven't been to in months! I was givin'er on the bike for a half hour and I had music in my hears and I was reading the first Game of Thrones book on my BB PlayBook.
TheGremlyn on Thu Jun 27, 2013 2:13 am

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