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I had a title in mind but I've since forgotten...

At this moment I am in a very low place. Iíve essentially crashed. I got here probably be feeling bad about something Iíd done, something I regret because I should have known better. I have a dark side that likes to play, a dark side I am ashamed of. At the same time I can be extremely hard on myself so Iíve essentially dug my own hole. At the moment Iím waiting to get in touch with a counsellor via chat. I came to this course of action because if left to my own devices I will continue to feel like crap, and maybe Iíll continue to think worse and worse things about myself. Iím my own worst enemy.

It probably doesnít help that I do fill somewhat sick and my downward spirally mood has not helped that. Stress and anxiety have a way of making me feel bodily ill. In instances of extreme stress I either vomit of feel my insides turn to liquid. The two times this has happened would have been years back when I was doing my victory lap in high school (I repeated grade 12 to pick up extra credits and figure out what I was going to do in college). Iím the odd child out since Iím the youngest of three so I wasnít very close to my brother (the middle child). One night he just took off and I literally came home to find two cop cruisers in my drive way. When I walked into the house I heard my sister telling one of the officerís things that my brother had been telling her (very disturbing things that included violent thoughts towards my dad and thoughts of self harm). I never knew my brother was in such a bad place... it was a complete shock.

For quite a few years I was pretty messed up and confused and I was angry. The kind of anger I felt is the kind that makes you shake from head to two as you can barely contain it. It was uncontrolled and I turned it on a few people that were closest to me, including my boyfriend at the time and my music teacher. It was only when Iíd sought counselling through my college that I started to identify and work through my issues. What I would give that be able to talk to that counsellor again because he was the counsellor for me.

Obviously the second time Iíve been through an extremely stressful situation is when mom died. Iíd held myself together through most of that ordeal up until we were on our way to the hospital following the ambulance. Iíd felt like puking for the previous half hour and finally gave in and tossed up lemon green tea into my sisters reusable grocery bag. For the next hour or so I was throwing up and I kept drinking water so I didnít kill my stomach. It wasnít until theyíd given us a tablet of ativan and a shot of gravol that the sickness subsided...

Now Iím finally connected with a counsellor. Hurray! Now I can get things done. Itís only 12:44AM... Iím not sure how much sleep Iím going to get since these sessions take about an hour. Sometimes less if I feel Iíve gotten to a point where I can say ďyes, Iím okay now.Ē Other times I push for those extra few minutes. Sometimes an hour isnít long enough. This might get broken into Part 1 and 2 again since I feel like Iím writing a novel again.

The one thing I like about counselling is the ability to tell them absolutely everything that is going on in your head. Iím more comfortable with this after having been through counsellor before and itís kind of become a part of my process to divulge all details and get them out so I donít go crazy. Writing a blog is all well and good but sometimes I need some feedback from a live person (not that the people on Frihost arenít live).

It irks me that I can crash like this but I can talk sense about how I could have avoided this or what I can do to make myself feel better. The counsellor just said I am very wise and that my learnings are very much the key to help me get over what has happened. Iím just annoyed because I donít understand why Iíve crashed. I feel like Iím crying over spilled milk. Does not compute! I donít understand why Iíve reacted like this, why Iíve fallen into this depressive state. I certainly realized when I started to become more than a little upset, that my brain was getting a little carried away.

There must be other triggers that Iím unaware of. I know my stomach hasnít been feeling the greatest since noon. That has certainly been annoying. I might be tired as well since I did get up ridiculously earlier and I didnít go to bed as early as I would have liked. Not to mention I woke up a few times because of dreams of stress over time or because I was half awake and I growled at Mynx for some reason... Then thereís the stress over my mom... that hasnít gone anywhere and itís been sitting at the front of my mind the past week or so. I also canít forget about the stiffness in my shoulders, the random jolt of pain in my right shoulder and arm...

Itís really bizarre. I was even having a good conversation with my friend Kevin. He said a lot more tonight than he has the past few times weíve chatted on Facebook. Work was okay today, although it was a little stressful because itís been ages since Iíve had to work next to my supervisor. Iím not stressed over money and Iím still pretty confident I can get another contract this September.

1:36AM and Iíve been set up for ongoing counselling via phone. Theyíve never mentioned that little detail before. It always sounded like it would be in person so Iíd have to run from work to some office somewhere to meet for a session. This way they just call my phone at a designated time and day and itís the same counsellor each time. We talk for an hour. The timing is a little iffy because Iím done work at 4:30PM these days and theyíll call at 5:00PM. Technically if I was on my way home Iíd be on the bus for about 20 minutes of that conversation, a conversation I wouldnít want random people on a bus listening in on. Iíll have to find somewhere I can go on campus to have that call in private, then head home afterwards. If I could have taken an express bus home I would have been walking to my apartment by 5:00PM and walking and talking for a few minutes wouldnít be that big of a deal.

Anyways, Iím going to try this sleep thing again after I push my alarm forward a half hour. Iím going to be so fried tomorrow... Itís almost Friday...

2 blog comments below

I've come across mood swings like these in quite a number of people, but must say I haven't come across any person yet with as many copying mechanisms and tools as you have set up for yourself so you don't completely drown in it. Pretty awesome. Cool
deanhills on Thu Apr 25, 2013 6:44 pm
I am so happy that you have a counselor to help you work through your situation. I hope you are able to get some rest before attacking another day.
standready on Fri Apr 26, 2013 12:59 am

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