So last night when I was trying to go to bed I had a lot flood through my brain and I'd say it was the first time I really felt angry about my mom's death. I wasn't angry because she died, I wasn't angry because there was nothing I could have done or anyone could have done, I was angry at my sister.
Last night when I was still at work (I work stupid hours so when I catch her on Facebook I'm inclined to try and talk to her) I started talking to her. We both feel pretty lost without mom around and for the most part I have some difficulty grasping that she's just gone. My sister mentioned she was seeing her counsellor the next day (today actually) and she was afraid to tell her everything that she's thinking because the counsellor might want to lock her up. I tried to tell my sister that she has to tell her everything otherwise she's not really going to feel better or get out of this hump. The thought she keeps locked up inside will just make things worse and she will go a little crazy.
My sister went on to say that she just wants to say "F*** it! Why both, mom is dead". I can't really do that myself since mom helped me get the job I have so I'm not about to throw that away. My sister continued on saying "I'm having trouble seeing a point to my life... (see sounds suicidal!) I just don't get it..."
The point I see is that we should make mom proud. Even though she's gone and won't see what we get ourselves into in the next several years or our lives (the years she should have been there for)... It just seems like a waste to take all the time, effort and money she put into raising us. We're good kids and we've really made something of ourselves. I especially feel like I have because I had so much trouble in school when I was growing up. I basically didn't and couldn't read and my dad and mom road my ass really pushed me. The first book series I read was Harry Potter (probably a year or two later after it came out). My mom had bought the first book as a Christmas present but I never touched it. Of course I saw so many of my fellow students in public school reading it that I felt I should give it a try. I think it was the 4th book of the series that was this massive hardcover book, well I read it in about 4 days. After I graduated from my 2 year business program my mom had told me that some of the staff at my school had told my parents that they shouldn't expect me to ever go to college. But here I am, 2 college diplomas and an award for academic excellence...
Back to what I was kind of talking about...
Mom just worked hard to raise us and help us when we needed it and let us talk her ear off when we needed to. To say "I want to crawl into a hole and die" is just disrespectful to her name and everything she did. So there I was, lying in bed fuming over how my sister is falling to pieces and wanting to give up, or nearly give up. I just want to yell at her because she wasn't there when mom died. I was. I had dad yelling at me to call 9-1-1, I watched my dad do CPR on my mom and hearing him go between saying she was gone and begging her to come back. I told my dad to keep doing CPR until the ambulance arrived, even though I knew mom was gone and no one could bring her back! I saw that and so much more but I had to be strong because my dad was in pieces. When my sister showed up the ambulance was basically there and was prepping to take mom away to the hospital. When we were at the hospital my sister wanted our aunt (my mom's youngest sister) to know but she couldn't talk so I did. I called my aunt to tell her mom had died, her sister had died.
I should point out that my sister is 6 years older than me, I'm the baby in the family (I have a brother who is 3 years older than me). Maybe I half expected my sister to be the strong one because she's the oldest. I never expected that it would be me. I never expected to be so strong that night because I honestly thought if it ever happened I would be a hysterical puddle on the floor.
Mom died on the 20th of February. We had the funeral on the 27th and I've been back at work since the 4th of March. I'm only coming to the end of my third week but it feels like the days have dragged. I haven't cried on my lunch break in a week or more, and I seem to make it though some days where I can think of mom but not cry. Other days I think of her and I can't stop crying.
So yea. I was getting pretty angry and shed a few hot tears. Then I thought of mom and how she wouldn't want the family split more than it already is. I thought of her and knew she wouldn't want that. So I snuffed out my anger, wiped my tears away and tried to roll over and get some sleep so I could function at work.
Well, this was my rant. Now I'm going to cry a little bit, play some Skyrim and eventually get ready for work.
2 blog comments below
One thing to keep in mind is that she did not really die. She is living on in you and your sister. So I'd agree with you that you have to focus on the best of her in yourselves. Particularly for your dad as well. Probably what she would have wanted for you as well.
deanhills on Fri Mar 22, 2013 6:22 pm
I will simply echo the excellent words Dean said and add that hopefully you and your sister can have a face to face discussion/hug/cry and you can find the words to help both of you.
standready on Fri Mar 22, 2013 9:41 pm