For the past few days I've had a hard time believing my mom is really gone. I can't reach out to touch her, I can't hear her voice, I can't smell her, I can't see her... I can't talk to her.
The other day I had my sister and dad over so my dad could replace my shower head (and the replacement actually broke), and I had them bring in a dresser that was building my either my mom's dad and her grandfather. Earlier in the day my sister texted me about how she was going through mom's drawers... I asked her to bring in a shirt mom wore often... She asked if I had a specific one in mind but I couldn't recall, everything just blurred together.
When my dad was fiddling with the shower head my sister pulled out a light grey and white sweater out (the one she's wearing in my display picture), a green 3/4 shirt she actually wore quite a bit, and the Fleming College Mom sweater I got her for Christmas a few years back when I started my first year in Business... After they left I sat with the college sweater on my left side, the other sweater on my right and her green shirt spread out on my knees. I kept smoothing over the fabric with my hands, straightening the collar and fiddling with the cuffs of the sleeves... I just wanted a little more to remember her by.
The only feelings I have tonight, of any possible regrets, is that I wish I had of talked to her more... A pretty tough things to accomplish when I saw her every day and she was the one picking me up from the bus terminal after I was done work. I talked to her on the way home, I talked to her after we got home. On the way into work I would talk to her. I could almost with my ex broke up with me soon so I could have spent more time with her, more than the two months I had. I am grateful for those two months...
I just wish she wasn't gone. I wish she could see my apartment. I wish I could call her up right now. I want her to be there at home during Thanks Giving, making her awesome turkey and stuffing (same with Christmas). I wanted to actually remember her birthday (November 30th as opposed to sometime near the end of November) so I could get her something.
This whole year is going to be so hard! There probably won't be a vegetable garden this year... Thanks Giving and Christmas will be a mess. Halloween will be difficult because mom always bought the candy and my sister and I would usually help make up the treat bags.
I don't think a day will go by for the rest of my life that I won't miss her. The only thing I know for sure if the pain will always be there, but it will be a little less. I'll carry the scar of her loss on my heart, but right now it's a gaping wound that flares up and hurts in the morning, during my lunch at work and at night.
I just wish I could have her back.
4 blog comments below
Breaking up with your x did some good after all. You had two precious months to be with your mom. Some little good out of every bad thing.
dude_xyx on Mon Mar 11, 2013 6:24 am
Today, after my sister and I went to Costco, my sister pulled out my mom's engagement ring and wedding ring. My sister said it's only fair that I get "the big one" (my mom's wedding ring according to my dad) since she has another family ring and my gramma's engagement ring from my dad's side. So I have her wedding ring. It's funny becuse I never had a preference towards either, I just always saw them as a set. I know my dad worked hard to buy her those and I know my mom cherished them. She was on edge the whole time they were at the jewellers being resized. She just wanted them back! Now I wonder if I should keep them somewhere safe, buy a nice chain so I can wear it close to my heart or do I get it resized (made smaller) so it will fit my finger?
TheGremlyn on Mon Mar 11, 2013 10:37 pm
Nice that you have some great memories to hold on to and some keepsakes.
standready on Tue Mar 12, 2013 12:20 am
Well I think its better keep it somewhere safe. It's something you don't want to loose. I have my grand fathers wedding and I keep it safe. not my size bit smaller but I don't want to resize it. It's his and I want it to be that way.
dude_xyx on Tue Mar 12, 2013 2:43 pm