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First Day Back




It's Monday and I told myself I was not going to miss more work. I was given 5 days bereavement and I've taken 7 days in total (the two days following her passing and then the following work week since the funeral was in the middle of the week).

I have to say I'm not a fan of riding the bus right now because my mind wanders far too much and all I can think about is my mom. Then when I finally got to work I felt my composure slipping as I got closer to the Help Desk. My boss ended up turning to me and saying how sorry she was and hugged me and then I practically started crying. She ended up apologizing several times and saying how she should have talked about the weather and she should have known that was a bad move; it's a good thing I'm at least 20 minutes early, although I only need a minute or two to clear my head.

Once I finally got on the desk and logged in and started looking at tickets I found my mind was occupied so I wasn't thinking about her so much, at least not in a way that was going to make me cry again.

Now I'm on lunch and I read the card from all the IT staff. Let myself cry a bit. Signed onto Facebook and saw my brother had added a photo of my mom and nephew, all smiles because she was bouncing him up and down... More crying! Well... more like I was just shedding a few tears.

I can't wait for today to be over and I can go back home to my new apartment and be with Mynx and the pigs. I just feel so tired and that's partly because I haven't been able to sleep in and the two nights I've been at my apartment have been pretty rough.

I've got an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow, one that should be a little more productive than the 20 minutes I was there the day after my mom died... We couldn't do anything because the loss was way too raw. I could only blurt out the events of that evening and cry. There was nothing that he could say that would really help. Tomorrow we can talk about more and I'll probably cry a hell of a lot more. Maybe that will be a good thing before work...

Thank god for counsellors. Unlike some people who don't talk about their issues, I actually feel better and grow as a person. Over a period of three years when I was working with a counsellor I saw the change and I had several close friends see that too. I expect the same will happen as my current counsellor helps me through this tough time...



4 blog comments below

Glad to see you back TG. I'm really sorry for your loss. Glad you have a counsellor who can help you during these trying times.
deanhills on Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:08 pm
I am glad you have a counselor to help you get through this difficult. Remember you also have family you can share with. Not to mention, some Frihosters that will do whatever we can from a far.
standready on Thu Mar 07, 2013 1:25 am
I ended up receiving two cards that day. One from the IT staff obviously because I'm in their department and another from the library staff since I sit right next to them on the circulation desk. I have to say the cards were very different as far as what people said inside. The library staff had a bit more to say but then IT people tend to be a little more reserved and awkward about social things. Both made me cry a little so I'm glad I didn't look at them until lunch.

I also had one of the librarians talking to me and she had gone through something similar. She was the second last child of 9 and she had expressed feelings of anger when her father passed because she felt cheated. I'm the youngest of three and maybe I feel a little cheated since I wanted her to be somewhere around 90 or 95 before she left. I just have feelings where my mom won't be there when I meet the next boyfriend, she won't be there when I get married, when I have my first kid (or second or third of however many I have). And each new place I move to... she won't be there...

I wanted my mom there for all of it... I needed her.

Sad
TheGremlyn on Thu Mar 07, 2013 1:29 am
Im sorry to hear about your mother, I too just lost my mom (Jan) and I can understand what you are going through. I havent went back to work as of yet, because I tried and it was too soon.. Ive learned to cry when I get a chance because it's part of healing.... I also tend to focus on the good times I shared with my mom.... it always makes me smile. Im learning to do what works for me...I hope you're doing the same.
nevr2late on Thu Mar 07, 2013 5:31 am



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