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Hanging In There

It's only been a few days but my mind still flashes back to when my dad was yelling for me to call 911. I still see my mom lying on the floor of the bathroom, pale as a ghost and my dad doing CPR and telling her she can't leave, she has to do something. His voice was so broken when he told her she can't do this to him.

I was strong that night. I retold the events of the night as best I could to the paramedics and the officer and some other people who wanted to see me and the my family individually. But these past few days I can only go moments at a time without breaking down and crying.

On Friday I went to the funeral home with my dad and sister so we could go over some of the details of the service and what urn we wanted for her and if we wanted flowers and all the things that would make this her funeral (well visitation and service). My dad's hand was shaking ever time he had to sign his initials or his signature. He nearly broke a few times, whenever someone would ask him how he's holding up, when they would put their hand on his shoulder. He would say he's fine as long as he doesn't focus on it, but as soon as he does he's gone.

After the funeral home we left to visit my gramma and figure out what food she'd need. We went back to my parent's house and that was probably the hardest thing for me. The first room you see once you go through the front door is the bathroom where my dad found her... the room where she really died. The kitchen was no better... I just wanted to break down. I went upstairs and looked in my mom and dad's bedroom and I saw some of her clothes lying there next to the bed. I did cry a little when I saw that, and other things around the house that reminded me of her, which is just about everything!

After a moment my sister and I headed out to the grocery store and worked our way through grabbing things off the shelves. When we were done my sister confessed that she nearly broke down in the middle of the store because its the one my mom always went to every Saturday. We used to go with her on the weekends and occasionally throw things in the cart that we wanted to eat. But we can't do that anymore. We can't wake up on Saturday mornings and tell her not to leave without us. I can't help her carry the grocery bags in. I can't see her roll her eyes at me when I throw something odd into the cart.

The day before she died we had that last of her chili and I was thinking about how I should ask her how she makes it. I didn't do it immediately because I thought I'd have time to do it later. I thought I could just be out in the grocery store in town and just call her up and ask her what ingredients I need and how I make it. But I can't. I won't be able to ask her how she makes her chili, or her lasagna, how she makes her stuffing and her turkey.

I can only think about what happens to Thanks Giving and Christmas? Mom was always the one who made all the food because she knew how to do it, it always tasted good when she did it. Without her there it's just going to seem to empty. What if we don't end up getting together at all? What if we never set that Christmas tree up again or get together Christmas morning to exchange gifts?

One of the things I'm probably going to miss the most is being able to call her up some nights and talk her ear off for an hour. I always liked being able to talk to her about anything that was going on. There was no structure to my conversation, I would just jump around from topic to topic, even if I was in the middle of one. My conversation would probably look like the root system for a tree.

One other thing that probably hurts is my mom won't ever see me get married (if I get married) and she'll never be there if I have kids. I won't be able to ask her all those questions about what it was like when she was pregnant with my siblings and me.

I was supposed to get more time with her. She wasn't supposed to go so soon! I'm 24 years old. My mom was 59 years old. I feel cheated and I want her back so badly!

1 blog comments below

You just need to be strong, and I am sure that many people have told you this but it is true. Things may seem like they are going to get worse, but they will get better in time. I wish you the best of luck in the present, and the future. Again sorry for your loss.
foumy6 on Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:55 am

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