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Coffee with a Good Friend and Dating?

Since last night was my early day I had arranged to meet a girl friend I'd known since public school. We went to Hasseltons last time so this time we decided to go to Black Honey for tea and some cake. I got a solo pot of Berry Black tea and a small slice of chocolate raspberry cheesecake while she got a solo pot of Golden Chai tea with a larger slice of chocolate oblivion cake. We're not sure why they gave her such a big piece, it was twice the amount she wanted.

We settled in and chatted about work and her plans for school in graphic design. We talked about the guy she is dating that we went to high school with and how much he had changed over the years. I mentioned some of the good and bad dreams I'd had and how I wish I could remember the more interesting ones and forget the bad ones. We talked about so much there it's hard to recall everything. I did talk about seeing my former landlord. Talked about what I'd do in my new apartment and what furniture I wanted and where I could look to find it.

Eventually we headed out and she wanted to stop by Walmart to get something and get cash back. We toured around looking and homey things and I ended up getting a set of brushed steel cutlery for a good price and a set of 12 glasses (6 355 ml and 6 505 ml). I also indulged and bought some more smelly candles with a wonderful berry scent. We looked at shower curtains and crockpots and toasters. I found a plate set I want that's under $25 and its this nice green colour that just makes me happy looking at it. Unfortunately everyone else bought the ones off the shelf so I have to wait!

We met up with another friend who worked at that Walmart when he was on break and we toured around. We plan on seeing a movie on Sunday. After an attempt at wearing a sequinned headband thing my friend shoved on my head we headed out. My friend caved and we stopped at the McDonalds there and I laughed because a friend of my ex works at that McDonald's and I could say openly without fear that the guy is waaaay hotter than my ex and I'd thought that since the day I first met him. Ha! So we laughed about that one for a while.

After that comment my friend asked me if I would start dating. I said nooooo because I kind of want to settle back into being an individual and I want to be happy with who I am and what I'm doing. I mean I am happy with me but it might be that I have some trust issues to sort out (trusting myself and trusting other men). I feel like I have all these hopes and dreams of being with that special someone and getting married, having kids and buying a house and living my life with this person who makes me feel special. I just find that those hopes, while nice, can overwhelm and block out reason.

I think it was those hopes that lead towards the relationship I got into because I was tired of being lonely. I didn't want to be by myself and I wanted someone I could be close to and build that future with. So when the ex came along I went with it and got in with someone that I unlimately did not want to be with. I had so many alarm bells and uneasy thoughts going off in my head but I just didn't listen to them. I just wanted to make it work and as a result I've damaged the trust I have within myself. I need to focus on what makes me happy and what I need from someone else.

My counsellor had suggested journalling so I could keep tabs on how I am outside of a relationship and writing about what I want from my partner. Then, when I find someone that makes me go head over heels I can look back and try and see if what I want is in this person I'm with. It's kind of like making a checklist that will help add a little perspective. Talking with my friend I realize there was no dating period with my ex, we just jumped right in. I don't want to do that next time. I want to take my time getting to know someone. I know who I am and what I don't want in a relationship (major things) so if those crop up then I need to put my foot down. I won't let someone blow a few vague stats at me just so they can manipulate me into doing something I don't want to do.

So the dating thing will be on hold but if someone comes in under the radar I may explore it. Until then Mynx and I will own this town and I will look into taking some yoga classes since my friend has nothing by good things to say about it. It has a slow enough pace that I could keep up with it and perhaps it will add a little balance to my life.

4 blog comments below

I can vouch for the Yoga thing. I have started doing it since last year and after each session I feel like a feather. It doesn't feel tried like after a gym workout but make u feel so fresh. Try short nap after Yoga and you will be sleeping for hours !
dude_xyx on Thu Feb 14, 2013 4:25 pm
l, sounds like you are getting yourself back into life - excellent.
standready on Fri Feb 15, 2013 1:38 am
It comes across like you put too much pressure and expectations on a relationship,like the next one has to be "The one".

Your young,enjoy that,you will probably go through many more relationships before settling down.

On a separate note,you are very good at writing Gremlyn,you should start your own blog,and I don't just mean on here,I am sure there are lots of women who can relate to you and your relationship issues,but most people don't have your ability to express it in words,I am not saying your words are wasted on frihost,I just think they are worthy of a wider audience.
truespeed on Fri Feb 15, 2013 3:21 am
It's true. I do put a little too much pressure on my relationships. It doesn't help that I kind of jump into them, right for the deep end before I've built a proper foundation. I've learned this much and I hope to take that experience and carry it forward. I just don't know how to go about dating someone without putting everything I am into it.

But I'm young. Maybe I am inexperienced... Maybe I haven't quite figured out what I'm looking for yet. But relationships do scare me a bit, or at least the prospect of one with someone who I might actually be very compatible with (interests and all that fun stuff).

And thank you for the kind words truespeed. I don't have as much confidence in my writing skills but I do like it. Expressing myself has been a work in progress since I always bottle things up inside. Years ago I didn't understand what I was feeling, I didn't know how to identify my emotions or sort out my thoughts. Now I think it's all people can do to shut me up! I'll be damned is someone tells me not to talk about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. People should do that more often (and not just ranting, get a few happy posts in there once in a while). My family likes to think they have so many secrets but people on the outside can see the issues, they know something is up even if they don't have all the details. It really creates a lot of tension.

Ha! Something I want in a partner. I want them to be open and communicative. If they bottle things up it makes it difficult to talk to them about what is going on with them or with yourself or with us. It creates a rift.
TheGremlyn on Fri Feb 15, 2013 3:42 am

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