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I feel like a small, fragile baby. When I'm crying I just want someone to pick me up, cradle me into their shoulder and rock back and forth while rubbing my back. Then they can make soft shushing noises in my ear and occasionally say "there, there".

I just feel so small, so breakable. If you ask me how I'm doing, I might start to crack. If you put your hand on my shoulder and say "you're going to be okay" I might chip. If your pull me over and hug me and tell me to just let it out I will shatter into a thousand pieces. I will cry and I will hurt and I may not be able to hold myself up.

If this were the Sims a giant bunny would fallen from the sky and I could hug him and talk to him (even though that's a little scary).

The only thing I know how to do is cry. I don't even think I can hold it in so I can wait until I'm alone or in an acceptable place to cry.

I could be in a crowded room and feel lonely. I could have anyone to talk to at my finger tips and I'd still feel lonely. It's the loneliness that seems to sit with me and it builds in my chest until the tears just start flowing. I don't even hear any thoughts in my mind. Nothing positive, nothing negative. It's just the raw pain.

Time sits there in the distance, jumping in to sway in front of me, laughing and sneering at me when I've broken down. He snaps his fingers under my nose and I feel time almost grind to a halt. The words fly through the air "you just need time", "everything is going to be okay". These moments are torturous and cruel.

When I get through this I will look back and eventually see the strength I have gained. I will see the lessons that have been taught. I may forgive or I may forget. I will be awesome once more... But until then I am small and broken and all will be burdened with my mournful words.

3 blog comments below

Hope it gets better soon. Can't be good for you to feel this way.
deanhills on Mon Jan 21, 2013 8:23 am
You are AWESOME now and forever! and don't you forget it!!!
standready on Mon Jan 21, 2013 11:07 pm
standready wrote:
You are AWESOME now and forever! and don't you forget it!!!

Why thank you. I had a friend give me the 'awesome' talk just the other day when I was feeling kind of down. He had a lot of good advice and I like the way he sees life. When I move past this I will eventually accept and understand that everything that happens to me helped shape the person I am and the person I will be. Some of it is good and some of it is bad but all of it counts.
TheGremlyn on Tue Jan 22, 2013 12:52 am

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