It seems a great start!
You will be better definitely.
Well, I was pretty nervous about this one. I was scheduled in to see some guy because the woman, whom I was familiar with, was working double case load so they hired a new person to help out. I'd had a male counsellor before when I was in my tech program and he was in his late 40's and he was pretty awesome. I mean, he went by a nickname ( Red ) the whole time and he was very easy going but he was extremely helpful when I was going through some rough times and I couldn't think straight.
So I showed up about an hour early (came in with my mom and walked down because I was getting sick of waiting). I waited and waited until the right time to tell them I was there and watched as some people walking in and out of the side of the room where the counselling centre was. Looking at the names on the board I was trying to figure out who the young guy was (looked like he could have finished University and maybe worked a few years in the field). I was hoping he was from pharmacy services but turns out he was the counsellor.
So I'm completely sceptical at this point. I mean, I'd almost rather talk to a woman about relationship stuff and breakups but at the same time I could get the male perspective in there somehow. So I walked in, took a seat and we started off trying to talk about why I was there. My throat immediately seized and I could only get a few words out about the breakup and my anxiety. Being a good counsellor he distracted me with other topics like work.
So we talked about where I was working and how that was. We switched topics to my family and my relationship with my parents and siblings and what my plans are. I moved home short term and I have a few friends who want to get a place together and my sister wants to get a house together but I kind of just want a place to myself (not to mention my sister has 6 cats and I already feel terrible for Mynx).
Finally we started getting on track about the breakup and he was asking me what the reason was. I tried to tell him what I was told but he asked if that was enough to give me the closure I needed. It wasn't. I went on to explain what might have contributed to the breakup, the kind of stress factors what may have been playing on his mind. Then my counsellor stopped me where I was and literally said "Are you trying to defend him?"
I had to think for a moment but I guess I was. I was sitting there, making excuses for a man who had broken my heart. I mean, I explained that maybe I sensed something was wrong. He used to say "I love you" then it was "I like you" then it was nothing. He used to cuddle up to me in bed and when I would roll away he would say "Hey, where you going!?" but that had stopped some time ago too. All these things I started to notice started to scary me and I withdrew into this fearful ball. I was afraid to be around him or talk to him because I was already feeling rejection.
The more we talked about what our relationship was like I ended up saying that he was "difficult" to deal with. Conversation wasn't easy because I felt I had to watch what I said. My closest friend had observed on a few occasions that my ex was prone to talking things I said in the complete opposite direction and towards something very negative. My counsellor was like "okay, good. We're getting angry. He's difficult now".
We talked some more and I mentioned how my ex said that I had "tried" to show interest in what he liked and I flat out said "that's a complete under ****ing statement". I liked the music he listened too, I liked the showed he watched, I liked that he played soccer and I heavily involved myself in it as best I could: I made a Facebook page, I made a YouTube channel, I took tons of pictures and videos for the team to look at. For a while I had a website for them that I had designed. I got to know his friends a bit and I tried the beers he liked (not the hard liquor though, can't stand that stuff). I encouraged him and pushed him to get his job and tried to drill it into his head that he was awesome and he could do anything and he was.... he was anything he wanted to be and he was everything to me....
And I felt like I had given more than I got... I was told that the only reason the relationship would end is because I would cheat on him. Never happened and never would. Hanging out with my friends was difficult and I eventually stopped. Most were men and I'd been friends with them since my second year in business. I felt the pressure from my ex that he didn't trust me to be with my male friends and, to try and put him at ease and make him more comfortable; I stopped hanging out with them as much...
When it came to what I was interested in, instrumental music being a huge part of my life, he would flat out say he didn't understand what I was talking about. How do you talk to someone about something you're so passionate about and something that means so much to you and that's all they say? You can't talk to them when they shut you down that hard. All he had to do was listen and he could have been a good boyfriend and he could have asked questions and he could have tried to learn... I didn't know anything about soccer but I wanted to learn.
Weighing the scales of our relationship... I didn't get much emotionally or romantically in return. I always looked to my sister and her boyfriend, and my friends’ parents who I had lived with for a short time. They are so comfortable with each other and they have been together for so long, yet they still show affection towards each other. How hard is it to come up to me and put your arm around my shoulders or a hand on my back? Why can't I get random, warm hugs?
I guess I saw these missing things in the relationship long before I would have admitted they were there. I was just hoping that things would get better. I had, at one point wanted to get a house together. I wanted to marry him eventually, have kids, get a dog. I saw a future and for a time we did share that... But he pulled away from that. My eyes were still locked on that future and I didn't really notice he had dropped behind and was having second thoughts. And suddenly it was over.
But all of this reflection and the insight from the counsellor, it made me see that I wouldn't have been happy with him. I wasn't getting what I needed from him. Now it's just a matter of taking the time I need to heal and become myself and move on from this, get my own place and take control of my life. Mr. Right is out there somewhere. I don't know where I'll meet him and I don't know when. But one thing I have gotten from my counsellor is that I shouldn't be a door mat. If I want something in a relationship then I'm going to get it. And If I can't, someone is getting kicked to the curb!
1 blog comments below
rx9876 on Tue Jan 15, 2013 2:45 am