Well. So far this week I've got myself sorted out. While I think sitting with a counsellor for 2 hours a day would have been great! It isn't exactly possible. And what distractions I have were just not enough. Saddly, with some guidance from my Doctor, I've got a prescription for Lorazepam. It says to take 1 tablet twice daily, but my sister says it makes you feel dozy. So I've only been taking one about an hour or so before bed, maybe 2 hours before depending on my anxiety levels.
The reason I finally went down this road is because I needed something to drastically reduce and control my anxiety. I was really starting to get scared, who wouldn't! I mean, you spend most of your night being sick and you're crying randomly and whole heartedly, then you're exhausted cause you didn't get any sleepy. Tuesday morning it was all I could do to stand and try and make a lunch. I felt so weak and dizzy and some unsettling texts made me spiral out of control. I desperately wanted to go to work but I couldn't go in that moment, I needed time to try and recover.
My sister was a huge lifesaver, since after I passed out from pure fatigue, she went out and came back with powerade and ginger ale. Clearly drinking water wasn't enough on top of hardly eating anything. My electrolytes were completely out of whack. Once I had a few sips settle in my belly I started to feel better, slowly. I was able to get to work but that didn't mean anything if I was going to back at square one, head in a bucket, sobbing and not sleeping!
I'm afraid of medication that messes with your brain like that. I'm afraid of the ones that says they could be addictive because I'm afraid of becoming reliant on the drug. But I had that fear and the support of my family and friends that I needed to take care of myself. So I called in to my Doc and asked them to phone in a prescription for something temporary to take the edge of my anxiety. My mom was on the ball and she picked it up before I'd even told her I order the prescription.
When I got home I was faced with this package from the drug store. I scoured the documents, reading as much as I could. I hate side effects, and I had withdrawal symptoms. But I took the first one and settled in for an unknown night. I had something on my laptop playing as a quiet distraction, I had the honorary puke bucket just in case and I settled back and felt my eyes slowly close.
I only woke up once and that's because Mynx was on my feet. Then I passed out again and didn't wake up until 6 or something. Maybe that was the day that took my alarm 2 minutes to wake me up... Still thought I was dreaming with terrible music in the background.
My stomach was fine, I didn't really eat anything but I kept up with the powerade and ginger ale and I tried my bell peppers for lunch and a yoghurt smoothie. Solids don't exactly agree with me as yet.
It's Thursday and I've made it through each day without too much difficulty. I haven't taken the pills during the day, only an hour or two before bed. Night time is when most of my anxiety starts up and chokes me out, making it impossible to breath properly and sleep, then it upsets my stomach because its so intense.
I'm not ignorant of what the pills do. They basically put that wall up around me that protects me from the feels of anxiety. As soon as the pills stop the wall goes down and the anxiety looks at me, completely unimpressed that I had locked them out. The anxiety would come right back at me and choke me. So, in addition to the pills I've also got an appointment with a counsellor on Monday and I hope to do that on a weekly basis and then every two week and then once a month.
I need that place where I can cry and say anything and everything and work through my feelings and understand the situation I came from as best as possible. When I can reconcile these issues and hurts within me I can start to rebuild and become more confident in myself and become a happier person. I'll make my life into what I want it to be.
I can only hope, that after quite some time of healing, I'll find someone who truly cares for me and understands we are still different people but we can work together and support each other. I want them to be as interested in me as I will be in them. And he better cuddle! I love cuddles!!!
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