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Single Again

Well... I'm certainly miserable in several ways. Kind of out of no where my boyfriend breaks up with me. I had suspected something was up considering he looked miserable all the time and he barely talked about anything. I also noticed he stopped saying "I like you" or "I love you" even though I was saying those things. He wasn't even cuddling me at night when we went to bed or when we woke up. I remember whenever I would turn over so my back was facing him, he would also say "where you going?!?" and latch onto me.

Well, on the 28th of December he came home from work, looking miserable. I hesitantly tried to ask him about work and he mumble a simple word. He was sitting next to me and I tried to ask him how he was and he started and then just stopped. Barely said more than a word or two. So suddenly I'm scared to be around him. So after my show was done I hand over control of the XBOX to him and flop down in the bedroom. Moments later he comes in saying "we need to talk". I asked if it was a "good talk or a bad talk"; meanwhile I'm shrinking away and preparing for the worst because it could never be a "good" talk.

Then it came out that he said he didn't think we were going to make it as a couple or something and that he'd been thinking about it for a while and he said something about not wanting to get married again and how that wasn't fair to me (you know, cause I was totally expecting to get married right now *sarcasm*). He'd mentioned how different we were and I'm not social (which I am, just not with a crowd of people who get a little carried away when they drink on Friday and Saturday nights). And yea, I start crying and I move away from him and turn into a ball, wishing I was anywhere else.

It's true that we're different people. He plays soccer, I play the bari sax (when I have a group to play with). He listens to rap and r&b and stuff, I like a lot of other stuff from rock, metal, some rap, game soundtrack music, and who knows what else when the mood strikes me. I like quieter social gatherings where we play nerdy board games (dnd and settlers of catan, etc) and video games like Mario and Zelda, and we may have a couple drinks or we have pop and tea and stuff. He likes bigger, louder gatherings and people can take turns playing black ops or something or throwing up a lot of random YouTube videos or yelling over each other to tell a story and drinking a bunch of different drinks (I'm a light weight so I max out a two drinks and just about any time I go over that I'm throwing it up hours later). We each have our ways about us and it makes us happy. I've tried hard to be a part of his stuff, I listen to his music (which I found lots that I like) and I go to his soccer games and take videos and post those on YouTube for his teammates to watch later on, I try and hang out with his friends but I feel like that odd wheel person.

He was trying to say it wasn't my fault but I can barely believe that. I've obviously contributed in some way to this decision, you just don't break up with someone like that. He was trying to somehow make me feel better by saying he still likes me and wants to be friends but seriously? You 'like' me but just not in that way and you'd rather not talk about whether or not that could be fixed in some way.

After a few moments I get up, blow my nose, and head of my computer and immediately look for apartments on Kijiji. In my head I'm thinking I need to run away but it's not that easy, I need money and I need time and I need help moving out, sorting out our stuff. He comes in, voice cracking, saying that I don't have to look for a place right now, that we just need to take some time to calm down and think clearly. He doesn't want me to end up in some shit-hole... I don't either.

Now I'm in this apartment that I got with someone I thought loved me (who said he loved me and assured me it wasn't just a word you say after a while) and thought I would be with for a long time. Obviously we hit some rough patches in life. Applying for the same job and not getting it made me a little bitter for a while and that contributed to not talking about work. Then I finally get a job and he doesn't want to hear about work because he thinks about work and he turns into a black cloud. Then there the fact his parents are back in England and he hasn't visited England in some time and, understandably, he's home sick and misses his parents. And there the soon-to-be-ex-wife who is still hanging around out there somewhere in the city. And his work contract obviously has its summer deadline coming up in a handful of months from now.

I was actually started to feel back (about a month back) that I wasn't talking to him about work, and that I didn't really know what he did all day. My parents would talk about work and how their day was, other people who I look up to as a couple do that too. So I was trying but you know, he'd turn into a black cloud and the general experience was unpleasant.

And here I am, over a week later and my emotions are up and down like a roller coaster. Sometimes I'll be something along the lines of 'happy' and we could be talking. Then I'll crash and be absolutely miserable and crying and lonely and my chest will just kill me. And so far there has been, like, one night where I haven't been sick most of the night. Each night as it gets close to bed time my anxiety levels start to climb in my chest and breathing sucks and then my stomach gets really really sore and all I can do is be sick. Because of that I don't get a lot of sleep and when I do get to sleep I'm always waking up, and its not the kind where I just open my eyes. No I sit bolt upright in bed and I'm flooded with sickness or anxiety or sadness.

I've spent just about every day for the past year with this man and suddenly I have to be "just friends". I don't know how to do that and I can't help but think that while he says he doesn't want to get married again, he will find another girl who makes him happy and that'll be the one he marries and buys a house with and has kids with. I (typical reaction after a breakup) feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and my chance for happiness with another just walked out of me without looking back. I'll find that other apartment to live in and it'll seem empty and quiet and I'll probably go crazy. Staying her also makes me go crazy since everywhere I look I see his stuff and think of the times we ate dinner together, watched shows together, tried playing games together, cuddled, talked... I just want this hurt to go away so I'm not as sad and distressed so I can function again. Half the time I feel almost healthy and then I crash and feel weak from being sick and dehydrated.

And there's no going back. You can't really get back together with someone and trust them to not break you again. And if you can't make it work the first time, why would it be any different the second time. And it kills me knowing that. I'm in so much pain from this I would give anything to make that go away and have him back, have his arms around me so I'd feel somewhat safe again. But its so STUPID! I'll get over this somehow, it'll just take time and I need to be patient and endure. I just want it to be over already. I want to be over it now. I just want to be happy again and be Miss Independent!

8 blog comments below

Dang, that sucks.
The roller coaster up and down is pretty normal, and will likely persist for a while... And while he may not appear as affected by it as you're feeling, he's also probably further along, having been feeling this way and thinking about it for some time before "the talk"; while it's raw, fresh and new for you, it's not quite as fresh for him.

I know you know you won't be alone forever, despite how you're feeling... But that doesn't invalidate the power of the emotion now. Try to have strength, you will find Ms. Independent before long!
Ankhanu on Sun Jan 06, 2013 9:15 pm
Agreed. Nothing that sucks as bad as that. Hopefully in a year's time you'll be looking back to this as a major disappointment that you managed to overcome, being stronger and better for it.
deanhills on Sun Jan 06, 2013 9:54 pm
I am sorry to hear that you are sad. A pretty woman like you will have little trouble finding your independence and somewhere down the road someone to love again.
standready on Mon Jan 07, 2013 12:30 am
I experienced something like this few years ago.
My ex girl friend had another she called "serious" relationship during the 7th year of our relationship.
I tried to convince her to terminate that one and fix ours, and it didn't work.
I felt sad and hopeless just like you do now.
I have to find something to distract myself, so I worked hard, jogged a lot, and went to many activities which I never thought I will never be interested in.
About 16~18 months later, I suddenly realized that I do not feel sad or angry on this thing anymore.
At the 21th months after the break-up, she turned back to me, because that relation did not go well.
Like you said, there will always be doubts in my mind, so I rejected.

I thought I will be alone forever at that period like you do now,
but actually when I moved on and went out make some new friends, I finally found my current girl at the 42th months ( a little longer than I expected).

I still have doubts in mind now, but I will not let them stay too long.
There are missions to accomplish in each relationship.
Try to find them and finish them, in the end, we will be a better person.

You can make it.
rx9876 on Mon Jan 07, 2013 8:46 am
This is unfortunate. It hurts a lot when people do this. I can not stand it, I react in a very similar way to what you did, or so it seems to me. I am sorry, hun. You will make it through somehow. Perhaps there is some shiny silver lining in it, somewhere, somehow. However, it hurts me to say but better now than after you two got married. Somehow you will make it through. Good luck.
pauline123 on Tue Jan 08, 2013 3:09 pm
I'm not going to lie and say that you won't be sad, because you will and you already know that. These things take time. You will get sad, and sometimes you will get angry because you were trying to fix things and he wasn't. Relationships are much more than love & happiness. Relationships are also partnership, and if your partner isn't there for you then it's not a healthy one. But things will get better and I hope you find someone who can be a real partner to you. Very Happy

Also you're pretty and you're into cool nerdy stuff. Girl, I know some guys who would love to meet someone like you. Wink
Vanilla on Tue Jan 08, 2013 6:55 pm
You guys are awesome. Just need to get that out there. I tend to spin around in circles and repeat myself when something is bothering me. I always appreciate advice and a different perspective. It all helps me in the end...
TheGremlyn on Mon Jan 21, 2013 4:32 am
Did you consider to go out and take some sports which makes you happy?
Sports can counteract depression, reduce anxiety, increase blood flow, excrete toxins from human body, and produce the endocrine.

At the beginning of my last single period, I started to jog.
Running is a sport which make people concentrate on self condition and self control.
It's really fun and helps me a lot to get rid of those bad feelings.
rx9876 on Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:44 am

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