Jokes - Digest

Insurance Claim

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 02:43:24 GMT

Jokes : Insurance Claim

This is a story about someone with not much luck or brains... I couldnt believe it.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks.

You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. ...

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Stats : 3 Replies

Sex In The Dark

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 17:14:22 GMT

Jokes : Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

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Stats : 2 Replies

10 husbands!!!

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:27:31 GMT

Jokes : 10 husbands!!!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. ...

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Stats : 1 Post

Very Funny Joke!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:55:42 GMT

Jokes : Very Funny Joke!

One day a 13 year old boy was at the farm, he never saw movies, been to the theater,
all he did all day was stay at the farm (verrry sad)

His parents told him to collect come black berries and put them in this zip-loc bag.

They said if he did it he could go to the theater with them.

Out on the field, he had to take a dump, but he was too far from the farm,
WHERE DO I GO?!.

He looked at the bad, *staring at it*.

He decided to take a dump in the zip-loc bag. (diarrhea)

He returned home and his parents asked "did you collect the berries? take them with us to the
theater so we can eat them there.

He nervously followed them into the jeep and drove to the theater.

They signed-up for the movie Natures Gifts
And went inside to watch Natures Gifts

After a while, his parents got hungry, they asked for some of the berries

The 13 year old boy gramp a clump of dump and squeezed it together nervously...

He gave it to his father, and he said "Why is it soo watery?" The boy said "I squished em' a bit, more tender, lol"

"Why does it smell horrible?" "errr, umm,errr... BEES DID IT!"

Everyone turned around and said "SHUT UP FATTY! THE MOVIES PLAYING!"

The father threw away the "Berry" because he thought it was rotton.

The movie showed a huge video of a running river

The boy said in his mind, "heres my chance!"

He threw the sak of dump at the screen (it was open)

It splattered all over the screen AND audience!

Everyone was like "What The #*%^ is this?!"

And the boy was like "OMG! The zip-loc bag didn't go into the river!??!"

Get it?
He thought it was all real,
at the beginning it said he didn't know anything (poor kid)

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Stats : 7 Replies

Reading from right to the left---

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:36:22 GMT

Jokes : Reading from right to the left---

A disappointed for Coca Cola returns from his Middle East
assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very
confident that I would makes a good sales as Coke is virtually unknown there.

But, I had a problem; I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster: a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally
exhausted and panting. Second poster: the man is drinking Coke and Third: our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't
realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

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Stats : 3 Replies

5 best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 11:53:56 GMT

Jokes : 5 best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk

Five best things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk...

1. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

2. This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.

3. Whew! Guess i left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time.

4. Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down really close?

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU CAN SAY WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK...

5. Raise your head slowly and say.... 'In Jesus name. Amen'

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Stats : 5 Replies

You won't like fridays

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:17:34 GMT

Jokes : You won't like fridays

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: It's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. ...

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Stats : 1 Post

Hunting time

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:13:21 GMT

Jokes : Hunting time

Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed.

They were the only people who survived.

They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out.

He didn't come back till about noon.

When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he killed it.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill deer."

So the next morning the second guy set out.

He too came back at noon.

When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he had killed it.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill buffalo."

The next morning the third guy went out.

The other two were watching and watching for him.

When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried.

Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm.

They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... and I got hit by a train."

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Stats : 1 Post

Logical question

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 17:09:12 GMT

Jokes : Logical question

The red man lived in the red house
The pink man lived in the pink house
The blue man lived in the blue house
so who lived ib the whit house?!

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Stats : 17 Replies

Boys Vs Girls

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 17:28:56 GMT

Jokes : Boys Vs Girls

Boys:

1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash Dispenser.
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip

Girls:
1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. ...

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Stats : 11 Replies

Confucious and a few random thoughts

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 10:36:09 GMT

Jokes : Confucious and a few random thoughts

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

and now some jokes I found at madblast.com

computers must be female

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". ...

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Stats : 2 Replies

Jokes From Doctors

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 12:50:58 GMT

Jokes : Jokes From Doctors

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
(Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX)

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
(Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA)

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
(Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada )

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
(Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA )

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... ...

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Stats : 15 Replies

Ridiculous replies to craigslist postings.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:01:48 GMT

Jokes : Ridiculous replies to craigslist postings.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php?

I found it hilarious.

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Stats : 1 Post

Futon ga futtonda

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 12:56:50 GMT

Jokes : Futon ga futtonda

It means the futon was blown off@in Japan

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Stats : 1 Post

hedgehogs

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 08:46:20 GMT

Jokes : hedgehogs

hedgehogs: Why don't they just share the hedge?

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Stats : 1 Post

funny sms messages..:D

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 10:02:06 GMT

Jokes : funny sms messages..:D

Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have
never changed. For me, you've always been a headache !

Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave me
light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright. Thank you so much PHILIPS
TUBELIGHT !

The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers 2.If rain makes all
things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?

Friends r like mirrors
they are our reflection
you r damn lucky I look good !!!!

Today is the International day of Smart & Attractive people. Send this to someone who fits the description! ...

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Stats : 3 Replies

some jokes

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:11:08 GMT

Jokes : some jokes

1.help

Help! Doctor! Please come quickly!
"My ten-year-old son has just swallowed a pen!"
"Ok , I'll be right there. I'll be there in 10 to 20 minutes."
"Good,but....what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"
"Just use another pen!"

2.
One morning, a boy named Tony was getting dressed in his bedroompreparing to go to school. His mother called out from the living room, "Remember to put on a pair of new socks!" Tony answered, "Yes, mom, I will put on a pair of new socks." His mother emphasized, "I mean that you should wear a new pair of socks every day!" Tony again answered,"Yes, mom, I will put on a new pair of socks every day."A week later, he came out of the bedroom and said to his mother, "Mom,I cannot get my feet into my shoes anymore."

3.
I'm the bridegroom's mother
The lady with the large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked.
"Certainly not," she snapped. "I'm the bridegroom's mother."

4.
There was a man who checked out of a hotel, and after he went out , he
realized that he had forgotten his umbrella so he went back inside . But
by the time heentered the hotel again , a couple had already rented his
room, and they were on their honey moon. The man proceeded to his
room, but just as he got near the door he heard a man ask, "Whose
hand is this?" And awoman said,"It's yours." Then the man said,
"Whose mouth is this?" Andthe woman answered, "It's yours.
Next the man said, "And whose nose is this?" and the woman
replied, "It's yours." So the man outside the room said, "Please,
when you get to the umbrella, it's mine.

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Stats : 1 Post

CHUCK NORRIS!

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:36:40 GMT

Jokes : CHUCK NORRIS!

Tell Me what is your favourite chuck Norris joke?

Mines: There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

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Stats : 1 Post

a joke share with you

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 12:49:45 GMT

Jokes : a joke share with you

I have seen a funny joke on the net ,share with you:

As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that 'Time is money'?" "Well,it's a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered . "Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter. "Oh.yes.You've got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver.

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Stats : 6 Replies

Salary Increase

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 07:27:59 GMT

Jokes : Salary Increase

SALARY INCREASE?

An employee sent a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary -

Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon, and po$itively!
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee recieved this reply:

Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager

Enjoy working

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Stats : 19 Replies

Computers in Movies

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 07:27:09 GMT

Jokes : Computers in Movies

Here is something I came across. It is supposed to be a joke. On careful reading I find that all the observations are absolutely true. I am not able to think of a single movie that violates the guidelines laid down. Each guideline reminds me of one or more famous Hollywood movie.
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand
graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly
understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. ...

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Stats : 15 Replies

It annoyed me, twice. How about you?

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 07:26:33 GMT

Jokes : It annoyed me, twice. How about you?

Okay I don't normally ever pass on these things but I thought this one was good. Well actually it peed me off because I've fallen for it before

The World's Hardest Riddle

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

97 percent of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84 percent of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less.

I'm guessing those stats are made up like most stats but when you find out the answer you'll either laugh or break your computer and you'll believe those stats.

So what's the answer? I'll post what I think the answer is later.

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Stats : 38 Replies

I caught my dad with my Gf

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 07:40:53 GMT

Jokes : I caught my dad with my Gf

I've had my Gf for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small white, petite thing, cooks for me, always been good to me.

I go away to Download for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right. I asked my Father if he had seen anything happen with my Gf and he acts clueless.

So yesterday... I'm coming home from work when BAM clear as day, right in my Kitchen I catch my Father red handed with his meat in my Gf.

I was pissed, told him to get his meat out of my GF and fuck off, needless to say my Gf got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my Gf to the curb.

It's only been 1 day since the incident and that I've been without my Gf and about 10 minutes ago my Father had the audacity to ask my how my Gf has been, when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more.

Should I get off the computer and start swinging at him?

OR

Pack my stuff and be on my way.

Here's pics of my GF for you guys as I know you'll ask.

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Stats : 12 Replies

A Logical Solution

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:06:20 GMT

Jokes : A Logical Solution

Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.

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Stats : 1 Post

Worst e-mail I ever got.

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 04:17:44 GMT

Jokes : Worst e-mail I ever got.

My Grandfather wrote:

ACLU is another way of saying Chinese/Russian/Arabic/etc.
This organization is of the Devil.

Anybody else think that it would take a while to list all the ways this statement is so

very

wrong?

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Stats : 7 Replies