Jokes - Digest

Good pointless site

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:31:00 GMT

Jokes : Good pointless site

I don't know if this is the right place but a good place to get pointless sites is http://pointlesssites.com! You will have pointless fun there!

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Engineers

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 11:50:49 GMT

Jokes : Engineers

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

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Stats : 5 Replies

Logical question

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 10:22:06 GMT

Jokes : Logical question

The red man lived in the red house
The pink man lived in the pink house
The blue man lived in the blue house
so who lived ib the whit house?!

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Stats : 9 Replies

Have a Laugh

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:51:25 GMT

Jokes : Have a Laugh

A young girl walked up to her mother and stared at her hair.
As her mother scrubbed dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked,
"Why do you have grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter,
"Everytime you disobey me, I get one strand of grey hair.
If you want me to stay pretty, you had better obey me."
Saying that, the mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes.
The little girl stood there thinking.
She her throat again, and sweetly asked,
"Mother, why is grandma's hair all grey?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house,
and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma.
"You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close toGrandma so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day three people were in a cafè drinking tea,
three flies,
one fell in each cup
person numba 1 asked for another cup of tea
person numba 2 threw the fly away and continued drinking
person numba 3 took the fly out, slaped it and said
"spit out the tea you drank, u little thing"

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Stats : 13 Replies

Vista's removed secret error message.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 06:44:50 GMT

Jokes : Vista's removed secret error message.

[Source]

After beta version 2, Vista deleted some Error message that are thouht to be too aggresive for the user.... some of them are...

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8 ) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? ...

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Stats : 8 Replies

Funny Clean Jokes about Science

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:31:37 GMT

Jokes : Funny Clean Jokes about Science

Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic?

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. ...

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Stats : 8 Replies

In Need of a Push

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 18:51:33 GMT

Jokes : In Need of a Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No! Get lost! ...

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Stats : 7 Replies

Here is a list of bushisms i found!! Hope it is not offensiv

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:33:26 GMT

Jokes : Here is a list of bushisms i found!! Hope it is not offensiv

Soldiers, sailors, Marines, airmen, and Coastmen -- Coast Guardmen, thanks for coming, thanks for wearing the uniform." --George W. Bush, at the Pentagon, March 19, 2008

"And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq." --George W. Bush, to Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that." --George W. ...

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Stats : 1 Post

It annoyed me, twice. How about you?

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 05:02:54 GMT

Jokes : It annoyed me, twice. How about you?

Okay I don't normally ever pass on these things but I thought this one was good. Well actually it peed me off because I've fallen for it before

The World's Hardest Riddle

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

97 percent of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84 percent of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less.

I'm guessing those stats are made up like most stats but when you find out the answer you'll either laugh or break your computer and you'll believe those stats.

So what's the answer? I'll post what I think the answer is later.

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Stats : 28 Replies

How to touch the hand of the girl you like...

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:02:57 GMT

Jokes : How to touch the hand of the girl you like...

this might be old but for some of you who doesn't know, heres how in easy steps.
1. approach the girl as a friend, and tell her you have a question and answer game.
2. ask for her palm and hold it without any malice or whatsoever.
3. while holding her hand, you start your story.
4. draw on her palm with your finger while telling this:
5. "there's a hungry lion at the side of the river and there's a sheep at the other side of the river. Well, the river is very wide and the current's too strong for the lion to cross it."
6. Ak her this: "how will the lion reach the sheep?"..... stare at her while asking it, but being friendly at teh same time. then after some thought, she would give up and say, "i dont know, do you?" or just plain "i dont know"....
7. ...

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Stats : 7 Replies

About banking...

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:08:57 GMT

Jokes : About banking...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says
to the woman at the teller window "I want to
open a damn checking account,"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your
pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a
damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language
is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves
the window and goes over to the bank manager to
inform him of her situation. The manager agrees
that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks
the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I
just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I
want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this ***** giving you a hard time?"

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Stats : 7 Replies

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH.....

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 23:42:58 GMT

Jokes : PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH.....

ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:

1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
--------------------------------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
--------------------------------------------------
. Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."

--------------------------------------------------
9). ...

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Stats : 5 Replies

STANDUP COMEDY

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:54:39 GMT

Jokes : STANDUP COMEDY

If you are a fan of standup comedy than you got to see GEORGE CARLIN.

Some of his masterpices are these below. These are a "must to have" DVD's.

Must have DVD's:
George Carlin - Playing With Your Head (DVD)
George Carlin - What Am I Doing In New Jersey? (DVD)
George Carlin - Back in Town (DVD)
George Carlin - George's Best Stuff (DVD)

George Carlin - You Are All Diseased (DVD) - I think is the best

George Carlin - Playing With Your Head (DVD)
George Carlin - Carlin On Campus (DVD)
George Carlin - Carlin at Carnegie (DVD)

If you want to now the guy check the link below:

http://youtube.com/results?search_query=George+Carlin&search=Search

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Stats : 3 Replies

The Best George Carlin Jokes

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:44:43 GMT

Jokes : The Best George Carlin Jokes

Some of the best Quotes by George Carlin

1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

8. ...

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Stats : 3 Replies

An opponent lost his head

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 02:30:14 GMT

Jokes : An opponent lost his head

While making a long, dull speech, a politician received a great deal of heckling from the gallery. Secondly, someone threw a cabbage onto the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the politician , "I see that one of my opponents has lost his head."

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A Guide to Safe FAX

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 09:16:59 GMT

Jokes : A Guide to Safe FAX

Question: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?

Answer: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they have fax?

A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q. There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?

A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q. ...

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Stats : 3 Replies

Small , medium , big **

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 08:51:49 GMT

Jokes : Small ******, medium ******, big ******

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIW8WfqoJUA
Funny! Must watch!!! HAHA!!!

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Stats : 3 Replies

Summer Mowing

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 08:01:57 GMT

Jokes : Summer Mowing

We stopped by a gas station on the way home from mowing a large yard on a hot summer day. We went in and approached the register with only cokes in our hands and no fuel purchased. The unobservant cashier didn't find it as funny as I did when she asked "Did you have gas?"

Ah, the days of youth

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Stats : 3 Replies

subway

Thu, 29 May 2008 22:05:53 GMT

Jokes : subway

Hey do you work at subway cause every time i see you i get a footlong

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Stats : 1 Post

Vista Source Code Leaked

Thu, 22 May 2008 21:33:44 GMT

Jokes : Vista Source Code Leaked

Here is something that I found on the internet and wanted to show you guys. Its a joke but you should really read the whole thing

Enjoy!

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Stats : 12 Replies

George W. goes nucueler [sic]

Mon, 19 May 2008 12:31:24 GMT

Jokes : George W. goes nucueler [sic]

Presidents Clinton, Carter and Bush Jr. share an airplane on their visit to a number of South American countries. As luck would have it, the plane goes down in the jungle, they are all captured by guerrillas and are to be executed the next morning.

At dawn, guards escort Clinton to the center of the compound and stand him against the wall in front of the firing squad. In a sudden inspiration, Pres. Clinton yells "Flashflood!" and while all the guards turn too see where this danger might be coming from, he manages to climb the wall and flee.

The guerrillas decide to continue with the executions and Pres. Carter is marched out to the square. Just as the execution is about to take place, Pres. Carter screams "Earthquake!" which, of course, has the intended effect, allowing him to flee as well.

As Pres. Bush is being brought out, one can see that he is rather calm and self-assured, having seen how to get out of this situation. Just as they have stood him against the wall and the men in the firing squad are aiming their rifles, he sees that his chance has come and yells "Fire!". ...

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A neutron walks into a bar...

Sat, 17 May 2008 09:05:47 GMT

Jokes : A neutron walks into a bar...

This one is a bit lame, but hey, it's not bad.

A neutron walks into a bar and ordered a beer. He asked the barman how much for his drink. the barman replied, "for you, no charge"

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Stats : 4 Replies

a joke of goat

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:23:50 GMT

Jokes : a joke of goat

in an biology class
a teacher polled in a class \

he asked how many believe in ghost
all the student raised their hand
then he told to the student that how many of them had seen ghost

then half of the students raised their hands
and then again the teacher told to teh student that how many of them have had sex with ghost
and a student raised the hand

the teacher was shoked and again told had he really had sex with ghost
then the student replied oh teacher i m really sorry i thougth u told it a GOAT

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Stats : 9 Replies

A Heavy Sleeper

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:51:43 GMT

Jokes : A Heavy Sleeper

The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.
　　As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven，please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."
　　Awaking with a start, the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit, "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

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Stats : 5 Replies

bad news and very bad news

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:13:52 GMT

Jokes : bad news and very bad news

Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They

said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse?

What's the very bad news?

Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Stats : 6 Replies