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Am I too Jealous.. or has he made me this way?





prmami
THIS IS REALLY LONG! I need to tell the whole story to get a clear answer!!




I have been seeing my boyfriend now since May and we became officially boyfriend and girlfriend in June. In the beginning the relationship was amazing. I thought “wow, this is the man for me” we saw each other everyday.. and when we weren’t with each other we were either texting or on the phone. I noticed he was always on his phone but in the beginning this didn’t phase me. It wasn’t until about mid June when he asked me to delete his myspace and facebook for him did my suspicions start. He gave me his password so naturally before I deleted I wanted to see his messages. And to my dismay I saw that he was writing to women telling them how beautiful they were and if they could make love and that his profile says In a relationship so he wouldn’t get random messages. I saw this only a week into the relationship so I figured leave it alone guys will be guys. But then two weeks later I'm at his house. He goes to hop in the shower and he left his phone around me I heard it vibrate. I know it was wrong of me but because of what I saw the week earlier I had to look. And I also saw that he wrote to one of the girls in his contact list can we make love. At this point I was like forget this I'm not going to be played for a fool. I confronted him about his myspace and the text and he swore they were just friends and it was just all playing around and he was never going to act on it. From then on I had my guard up.


On July 4th I had a party at my house his whole family came. He was making such a big deal how he was so excited for his family to meet mine so I was like wow he must reaaaaally like me because it's one thing to bring me home to mom but to get our families together is a big thing. That day he tells me he loves me. I was on cloud 9 but he kept on going inside to use the “bathroom” I kind of knew better and when I got the chance I checked his phone. I saw he called his ex girlfriend and a text to her saying I'm at my uncle's party. Not “I'm at my girlfriend's party” and I saw a text from another girl saying I miss you babe, I never see you any more. At this point I am sick to my stomach. I didn’t know what to do so I started rationalizing saying to myself he is with me every day. And this girl says she doesn’t see him any more which is obviously because of me. I also realized he has begun to delete his inbox and outbox almost every night so I knew he was hiding something. So I decided to wait it out because I knew he was going to slip up and not delete one night. But the ex thing bothered me and I had a conversation with him. He told me he is just trying to be the bigger person and be friends with her and he knew if he said he was at my house she would have went crazy blowing up his phone. So I told him that she is obviously still very attached and I don’t appreciate them talking every day and for him to send her a message saying they can't talk any more and for her to please leave us alone. He did so, I felt ok about the situation.


I still kept a tabs on the other girl though and about a week later everything hit the fan because I finally saw messages he sent her saying sorry I don’t see you, I'm just busy with work but nothing changes between me and you (not that I have a girlfriend now me and you are over).. so in essence he was making her still believe they were going out. What made me confront him is she was asking him to chill that she hasn’t seen him in a month and a half (which was how long we were going out at the time, which means he wasn’t chillen with her while we were together) he of course denied it and we fought for hours and he finally wrote her a text telling her I'm sorry but we can't talk anymore. I didn’t take this one lightly I stayed upset but the next day I was fine.


Two more weeks go by so it's now July 25th and I see he has a new number in his phone. A girl from work. I saw that they were texting like crazy whenever I was around and they even sent picture messages!!! I broke down, cried to myself then got really mad and sent this hoe a text message from his phone. She wrote back that they are just friends, nothing like that but I didn’t believe it and felt I still needed to confront him because there is no reason for you to be hitting up a coworker like that. From this a huge fight came about and I told him it's either me or these women. He says it's them hitting him up and he's just being polite by responding. Quite frankly I didn’t care and told him either he changes his number and deletes his contacts or me and him won't work.


This in a way was test ya know. After much fighting and arguing and him telling me he isn’t a child he did it. That to me proved a lot and I was ready to trust him again and stop snooping. August goes by and we had lil fights about his ex because she is crazy and since she couldn't call him any more she randomly stopped by his job and I found out but that wasn’t his fault so I didn’t keep nagging about it.. but in September I go to his computer to check my email and I see he left his up. I was like hey what the heck look through it. And I saw messages from this girl saying hey sorry I missed your IM last night. The emails were innocent all talking about each others life nothing flirty or sexual but I was mad. He hadn't been on AIM since Feburary so why all of a sudden in September does he decided to go on AIM- oh wait I know because I cut off his way of contacting women through his phone!


Again I confront him thinking maybe he will get the picture he tells me she is a friend from high school and he is a grown ass man and if he wants to go on AIM to keep in contact with old friends he can. I told him that's fine but why do the old friends have to be females? He isn't a going out type of guy so I know these girls weren't club or bar buddys and since I've been with him in May, all he did was hang with me so these women must not be too good of his friends if I never wee em chill.. so he promises me he won't go on again and he won't give his number to another women again..


Now comes 2 weeks later and I see a new contact in his phone under brown-work.. and I don’t see any messages in his phone from this person except a new inbox one that seemed like a reply. So I was like ok they were having a convo but he made a fact to delete the messages so I couldn’t see them. So I *67 the number and sure enough it is a woman.. by this time I am so emotionally drained and instead of confronting him I just try to avoid the topic and him. He kept calling me asking me what's wrong and I finally told him. He blew up and said that what he can't have female friends from work? and that I need to stop being so weak and insecure by going through his phone. I told him how does he expect me not to look because every time I do I see something. It's like asking someone who found a 20 dollar bill in the couch every week to not go looking for it next week.. the curiosity is overwhelming and they are ineveitably going to go look. He told me she knows about me and he loves me and he would never cheat on me. What happened in the beginning was the beginning and he is truly sorry but things are different now he loves me and wants to marry me. I said if she's a co worker and you talk about work why did you delete the messages. He confessed that she wrote an inappropriate text saying I will break you and your girlfriend up but he said he handled it by saying you will never compare to my girlfriend. This made me even more upset and he saw so he sent a message saying I have to lose your number, my girl has a problem with it. And her response was ok no problem which solidified the fact that she did know about me. But because of all the prior events my emotions were so hurt and damaged I really couldn’t handle this and broke down crying in front of him! I love him to death and he tells my mother he wants to marry me and even his mother that he wants to marry me which is a big thing for a man to do. And in terms of affection, attention, and over boyfriend-ness he is the man of my dreams. We don’t fight about anything but this texting other women topic. He tries to constantly reassure me he loves me to death and nothing will ever happen. But perception is reality and the things I saw taint his words. We have only been together 5 months and so much drama has happen. Our fights just got bigger longer and more explosive over less and less.


I am surprised at myself I am getting upset over a tiny conversation he has with his female co worker but all I think about is the previous coworkers messages and how they started off simple and 4 days later they were exchanging picture. I just dunno what to do any more. I dunno if I go on the things he says to me and his family and my family and others about how much he loves me and im his soulmate or do I go on his actions and the one simple fact that he can't do what I ask of stop texting women. I know he changed his number which was a big thing and we still see each other like 5 times a week but still I am always jealous and suspicious.


I think my suspicions are condoned due to what I saw in the beginning but I'm torn on whether or not I am over reacting now and I need to chill and let the relationship happen or if I should break it off with him.. the arguments have made our relationship tense and I can tell he is changing with me he isn’t as lovey dovey and he isn't saying I love you every two seconds and he isn’t writing me cute text messages any more about how I'm the perfect women and he can't wait to marry me.. did I push him away? Or are my fights valid?
JoshuAAR
Woo that was alot too read.I feel like I have known you for a very long time now haha.

Its all a bit up and down though. Really I think both your answers are valid, yes you probably pushed him away a bit, but also yes, some of your fights are valid. The fact that very very early on he was already doing things he shouldn't be (asking other girls to 'make love' to him) has made you the way you are now. And the fact that he constantly goes back to his old ways does not help. I'm surprised you kept saying it was ok and forgave him after he would just message the girl and say 'oh sorry, my girlfriend saw our msgs's and doesn't like it'. It seems a bit week and like a quick band aid solution to just make sure you don't have a big fight.

On the other side of the coin, sometimes you seem to come across as a bit too suspicious. By the end it seems you are not happy with him contacting girls at all, on the phone or any other way, regardless of what they are even talking about. This is probably a bit far, as well as how much snooping around you seem to be doing to try and find some dirt on him.

I don't really know the answer here, it needs a bit of work on both sides. You really should trust him more, that really is one of the main things relationships need to be built on to work. BUT, he needs to earn your trust, not by simply saying he will stop texting women all together, but by being honest and open to you. Maybe tell you why the ladies he chats too always seem to be trying to crack on to him and break you up, and why he decides these are the type of people he wants around. The fact that he says he wants to marry you should not make you think that he is more committed to the relationship. Whether your married or not, he will act the same way.

Overall, i think if he continues going OVER THE LINE with women (not only talking with them, because that is ok) then you should lose him. But if he is actually innocent and not doing anything wrong at all keeping up your suspicions and snooping around will push him further and further away.

Re-reading this reply it seems i really haven't told you anything you don't already know. Hopefully it will be helpful for you to read someone eleses point of view and see if it matches up. Good luck with it any way.
prmami
thank you for your response. and yes your right i do know all this but its just so hard to implement. since i posted this yesterday me and my boyfriend had a heart to heart. He is pretty stuborn at times but he understands where im coming from because i did alittle reverse physcology and he realizes that i have handled things a whole lot better then he ever would have . I told him fromhere on in i will work on my trust and it will eventually get back to 100% but he needs to stop giving me things to be suspicious about he agreed and said he knows i think he is full of shyt and untrust worthy but if i work on trusting him i wont be disappointed. so i will try and take a step back. just stop looking bc all it is doing is hurting me. if he does cheat it will come out sooner or later no need for me to stress myself out trying to find it before it even happens..
ssthanapati
dont want to discourage u or something... but it seems fishy to me.... Well if it works for u then great
jenss
So I must admit that I didn't really read the whole story but I don't feel I need to. You are torturing yourself. There are better guys out there. Get rid of him. You totally deserve better. If he's still messaging all of these other girls, including his ex-girlfriend, then he's not giving you the 100% that you deserve.

I know, I know. It sucks to break up. You have all this free time and sometimes you miss the guy and sometimes it can be boring. (Plus, if you were intimate, you start to miss that.) BUT, you have other friends that you can reconnect with for a while. And being bored is not so bad. Remember that hobby you love, or that place you used to go all the time? Pick those activities back up and probably sooner than you want there will be someone else that catches your eye. And he will go out of his way to impress you so that you'll see what a great guy he is. And he won't ask you to delete his internet history or have a constant "buzz" in his pocket that you are not allowed to see. He'll be awesome and you guys will have loads of fun!

If there wasn't ten reasons in your post to be suspicious, I might say otherwise. People are usually suspicious for a reason.
TrueFact
That's too much to read, but I can judge the book by its title. He is a liar by nature and he lies whether there's a reason or not to do so. That's point one.
About point two, it seems that a single girl for him right now is not enough. But, only you can judge if he really loves you or not which I think that he does love you. Even though he may go in other relations besides you even if you get married.

If you are such a jealous girl, forget about this relation as you will ruin it down to the ground with your own hands. He will see other girls and may have relations, if you can handle it... go a head. But if you don't, you better pull back now.

Sorry, but the truth always hurt.
flyfamilyguy
Quote:
THIS IS REALLY LONG! I need to tell the whole story to get a clear answer!!

Yes it is! You probably have enough points to last for months now. Wink

Ya know, this is so common among young people. And there is a very simple answer for it; Immaturity. I'm not writing this to be cruel, I'm actually trying to help. You are both, despite all the "cloud nine", mooshy-mooshy feelings too young to be serious! Well..Girls are much more capable of a serious relationship at a young age than boy's. For this reason, I'm suggesting that you run sweetheart, or you will suffer, I gaurantee it! Take this from a guy who was there many times when he was your age. This guy is the typical male who thinks with his weenie.

I'll leave you to think about this before it all comes to a head, and you end up writing another dissertation:):
Just from the description that you gave of his actions in the past months, I can assure you that he has had plenty of booty, other than yours, while with you! I don't give a crap what he tells you! You said it yourself, "Guys will be guys". At his age, that is an accurate statement.

Hope that you are smarter than most.


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