I'm so bad and clueless
and everything I reach is worthless
I'm feeling nothing but all emptiness
means I'm useless and hopeless!!!!!
oh lord! take on me one glimpse
the pain in me seems to be endless
get me out of this terrible darkness
please look at me with the eye of forgiveness!!!!
oh lord!I don't know which way to turn to
lead me and show me something true
all I can is nothing but begging you
once and forever I'm leaning on you!!!!!
oh lord!change my life to something better
pick me up and grip me stronger
give me strength be my power
make the depress in me over
please listen to this weak Sunday prayer!!!!
Good poem, but I'd lose the extra exclamations ... it takes away from the emotion and almost makes it comical. Also, there's some grammatical errors (depress is not a noun, BTW), but the idea is wonderful. Keep it up! I went through this a lot, and I might actually be going through it now.
A good poem. I agree with ddukki about the redundant exclamation points: remove the extras. I might even suggest that the poem might be improved if all of the exclamation points were removed. The poem's sense of desperation would be better served by a simple, quiet period or--perhaps--no punctuation at all. Just a consideration. As far as the grammar is concerned: fix it, unless the contractions and 'errors' are made in order to keep the meter and rhythm intact. I have no particular love for certain metrical poetry, but you really have to respect the writer's ability to work within such a framework.
Reading your weak Sunday prayer reminded me of this one from the Bible (Psalm 88 )
Like your Sunday prayer, this one comes from someone depressed. He describes his condition as "mortally afflicted since youth". Feelings of depression include a sense of meaninglessness, being in darkness, being burdened... The "I" in this psalm describes his condition as one in Sheol where it is dark and vitality is at a minimum low (like your Motorola cellphone when it blinks its battery red). But he continues to cry out to the Lord and awaits in hope for a reply.