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New introductory text for my homepage, what do you think?





ocalhoun
I've been working on a redesign and rewording of my homepage. I've finished the index page now (which will be the first page anyone sees), and I thought I would post the new wording here, to see how all of you felt about it.

I was trying for a stirring, strong message while also making it more mainstream. Did I succeed? Could it be improved (from the important viewpoint of non-TF people)? Any grammar errors? Let me know!

Here's the new text:
Quote:

The Equine Dream Foundation is a non-profit organization founded to further the cause of morphological freedom. It is rare for one to be so content with oneself to not want to change anything at all. What would you change about yourself if you could change anything you wanted to? Loose weight? Be stronger? Perhaps, but why not something more adventurous? How about developing far better vision, hearing or other senses? Delaying or eradicating the aging process? Being able to fly? Perhaps you don't even want to retain your human form, and would like to try what being an animal feels like... Wouldn't it be great to swim as a dolphin, run as a horse, or fly as an eagle, if only for a short time to try it?

The mission of the Equine Dream Foundation is to bring true morphological freedom to every person who wants it. Unlike other freedom movements, this is not a fight against an oppressive government or society. This is a fight against our own limitations. Great strides have already been made, as can be seen in our 'transformation hall of fame' section. Just a short time ago it would be utterly impossible and unthinkable to change your gender, change your eye color, change your facial features, or change the color of your skin. All these things have now been done! What we want to accomplish is to expand these possibilities until there is absolutely nothing that you cannot change about yourself. That is morphological freedom. The freedom to transform yourself in any way you want, be that as simple a transformation as getting in shape, or as complex as transforming yourself into your favorite animal.

Originally, the Equine Dream Foundation was started as a collaborative effort of people who wanted to be horses. This is naturally a small minority, so the focus gradually shifted towards people who wanted to become an animal, no matter what species. This, however, is still a relatively small group. To achieve true morphological freedom is an enormous goal, and all the help we can possibly get will be desperately needed. That is why the organization's focus was broadened once more, and now includes any who would want to change anything about themselves. After all, that is the group that would benefit from morphological freedom.

We need your help! The only way we could hope to accomplish such an ambitious goal is to work together; sitting on the sidelines and waiting to see what happens will only delay the advent of true morphological freedom. And what if the insight you would have had would bring about the breakthrough that we needed? No matter how qualified or unqualified you think you are, you can only help. With your assistance the new age of morphological freedom could be at hand... Are your ready?
gcaughill
ocalhoun wrote:
I've been working on a redesign and rewording of my homepage. I've finished the index page now (which will be the first page anyone sees), and I thought I would post the new wording here, to see how all of you felt about it.

... message here




Hello ocalhoun,

I am not a horse person (or even sure if this is a joke or not), so I will leave it to others to offer suggestions on the content part of it.

Just looking at it, here are a few things you might want to consider:

1. People general skim instead of read on the internet. The text you have there might be ok for an About Us page, but on the home page you might want to consider just having a few bulleted points of your most important points.

2. Include clear verb/action based links based on the most common things visitors do on your site.

For example:

Become A Horse | Learn More About Us | Sign A Petition | Lobby Local Government Officials

etc.

Hope those points helped.
ocalhoun
Well, the action-type links are all large and obvious on the left side of the page.

1: I wanted to make the change of focus obvious and up front. If they don't want to read it, fine, but if they click on a link and then think "WTF is this place?" they can read right there and find out.

2: I wanted the largest concentration of key words on the home page.
Nehallyn
Yeah, I agree. Most people aren't interested in reading huge pages of text on the index page.
Fatality
I understand what you want to accomplish, but personally if I see large blocks of texts I don't read them at all. IF you want to get get information to a large population of visitors maybe consider making strong descriptive points. Like brief details people can read and understand at a glance rather then having to read 4 paragraphs that 85% of people are just going to avoid. But maybe you're not concerned with that on your site, just something to keep in mind.
deanhills
Fatality wrote:
I understand what you want to accomplish, but personally if I see large blocks of texts I don't read them at all. IF you want to get get information to a large population of visitors maybe consider making strong descriptive points. Like brief details people can read and understand at a glance rather then having to read 4 paragraphs that 85% of people are just going to avoid. But maybe you're not concerned with that on your site, just something to keep in mind.


I tend to agree Ocalhoun. I am the worst person with attention spans and my eyes were already crossing at the word morphological i.e. what exactly does it mean and that is where I wanted to stop reading. Anything with more than two syllables and an "ical" at the end needs to be simplified for me.

Think you need to put something there that is passionate from your heart so that you can reach the hearts of others. As this is basically a heart thing (or that is the impression I get). You want to reach people to join you in a very noble cause. So this is just a very rough idea for the wording, you can change it in your own speak ....

This is where I would start for an attention grabber:
Quote:
Wouldn't it be great to swim as a dolphin, run as a horse, or fly as an eagle, if only for a short time to try it?


Then:
Quote:
The Equine Dream Foundation needs your help! We need as many people as possible to support us to bring true morphological
(explain in simple words in brackets what it is or just replace morphological with simple words)
Quote:
freedom to all animal species of the world!


Then:
Quote:
Just imagine what it would be like to have the freedom to transform yourself into anything you wish, it can be as basic as changing your own shape, or as noble and complex as changing yourself into your favorite animal.


Then:
Quote:
Equine Dream Foundation was started by people who wanted to be horses originally, but since there were so few of us, we thought to include all animals.

To achieve true morphological freedom is an enormous goal. We need as many people as possible to help us. No matter how qualified or unqualified you think you are, your help will be invaluable to us. With your assistance the new age of morphological freedom could be at hand...

Are your ready?


I agree that perhaps the original text as you had it can be good for an "About Us" page.
Fatality
great example of what I was trying to explain, deanhills. I'm glad you posted that.
ashish2005
My personal reaction to it is that it's too long. People rarely read such long introductions on the internet. The only time I read such long articles is only when I find really interesting blog posts. I rarely read the introductions of websites and when I read I read only a few sentences. So many sites do not actually have an introduction page. There are about us pages where the designer talks about the site and different other things in detail and I think you should put your welcome note to the about us page and make your welcome note a lot shorter.
ccube921
You should give a summary, about us could have that thing and normally descriptive navigation buttons
and a nice opening line will give the user an idea about the site
missdixy
I admit, I skimmed. But, I'm a pretty good skim-reader (?) and still thought it was pretty well-written.
deanhills
missdixy wrote:
I admit, I skimmed. But, I'm a pretty good skim-reader (?) and still thought it was pretty well-written.


No doubt about it, it is well-written and that was never questioned. I just thought that it needed more punch to hold people's attention. Exactly the same wording but arranged in different sequence to involve the readers, as I think that was what the aim was, not just to read it but to get involved.

Awesome that you are a skim reader. Must help you read through millions of pages and I envy you that Smile
standready
Without question it is well written but after looking at your existing homepage, I would say this would be be for your "New Visitor" page.
saratdear
I admit, I thoroughly read it. That was perhaps because it was a post, and you drew attention to that text. If it was another home page on the net, I would not have given it a second glance, unless it said what it was in short statements and then gave the detailed explanation. However, I have to admit, it is very well written. Smile

Just a tiny doubt, which I have as well : is it "Loose weight" or "lose weight"?
ocalhoun
saratdear wrote:


Just a tiny doubt, which I have as well : is it "Loose weight" or "lose weight"?


Thank you! That is the kind of mistake a spell checker will not find.

I may try putting each paragraph under a large, bold heading to make it easier to peruse it at a glance.

It won't be a terrible thing if people don't read it or skim over it though; the banner at the top will give an extremely basic summary (just two short sentences as a motto). If they want to wander around the site without knowing what it is, that is fine, too.
deanhills
ocalhoun wrote:
I may try putting each paragraph under a large, bold heading to make it easier to peruse it at a glance.

It won't be a terrible thing if people don't read it or skim over it though; the banner at the top will give an extremely basic summary (just two short sentences as a motto). If they want to wander around the site without knowing what it is, that is fine, too.


Looking forward to seeing the final product. I imagine you will give us a heads-up when it is ready? More than just the lay-out, I am interested in the topic. Fascinating and would like to learn more about it.
saratdear
ocalhoun wrote:
saratdear wrote:


Just a tiny doubt, which I have as well : is it "Loose weight" or "lose weight"?


Thank you! That is the kind of mistake a spell checker will not find.

I may try putting each paragraph under a large, bold heading to make it easier to peruse it at a glance.

It won't be a terrible thing if people don't read it or skim over it though; the banner at the top will give an extremely basic summary (just two short sentences as a motto). If they want to wander around the site without knowing what it is, that is fine, too.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry if I sound stupid, but...have people been actually changed to horses or is this whole thing a joke? Razz
j_f_k
Blimey. I'm not sure if you're serious or not. I'll bite my tongue on the obvious jokes.

The first 2 sentences fail the 'too many big words' test - and worse you use the royal person (ie saying if one could change - etc.

the combination of hte big words and this speaking immediately gave me the impression that you were representing some poncy snobbly equine association and i didn't want to read the rest as i assumed it would be condescending and snobby.

as it turns out how you write after sentence 2 is actually really good and explains what you're about really well. I disagree that its too much to put onto 1 page as someone as said - break it up into short paragraphs however the first 2 sentences should be dropped and perhaps replaced with something a bit more punchy and attention-grabbing eg maybe start with the bit about what if you could change anything about you -like being able to fly. - then define morphological freedom (no one's going to have heard of that).

you don't have to put so many words on the page for the benefit of search engines - look up meta keywords - search engines pick these up and the user doesn't have to wade through them in prose - everyone does stuff this way nowadays.
ocalhoun
deanhills wrote:

Looking forward to seeing the final product. I imagine you will give us a heads-up when it is ready? More than just the lay-out, I am interested in the topic. Fascinating and would like to learn more about it.

I'll be sure to put a reply on this thread when I finish it (and get it uploaded) so you all can see it.
Wow, that text must work pretty good! That was my main purpose in writing it; to make people who weren't already a part of the transformation community interested!



j_f_k wrote:

you don't have to put so many words on the page for the benefit of search engines - look up meta keywords - search engines pick these up and the user doesn't have to wade through them in prose - everyone does stuff this way nowadays.


I do that as well, but 1) I don't want to depend on just that, and 2) I want the home page to be the page more often found by search engines.



saratdear wrote:

I'm sorry if I sound stupid, but...have people been actually changed to horses or is this whole thing a joke? Razz

No joke at all. Of course nobody has been changed yet, but there are 80 or so there who seriously want to. The whole idea is to make that possible.
UntitledDocument
Anything is possible we are already using pig hearts in transplants, maybe if our skin deteriated we could to a pig skin transplant... or a pig lounge transplant, or a pig mind body and soul transplant Very Happy

Na but seriously I would love to fly and I don't believe it is impossible. Becoming a horse seems a liiiitttlle bit less possible though.

Also I am quite interested in the subject buuuut... only because the context in which you posted it was a forum, and you said immediately "read the opening of my web page" or whatever. You can't do that on a front page because people are immediately looking to see what it's about and if they can't find out, they will leave. Go with previous ideas and break it up into short points, then save the full description for the ABOUT page. Front page should be for news and stuff, with the description of what it is about to the right of the page or something.
deanhills
ocalhoun wrote:
I'll be sure to put a reply on this thread when I finish it (and get it uploaded) so you all can see it.
Wow, that text must work pretty good! That was my main purpose in writing it; to make people who weren't already a part of the transformation community interested!


Think part of the success so far has been because it has been posted in a forum. And you managed to involve us to the extent that we wanted to read the copy. So possibly there is a learning curve here too. If there are other similar forums, it could be an idea to introduce the new Website there too, and that would make reading an almost certainty.

I have always wanted to fly .... so maybe this will be my opportunity Smile

So wishing you the best for the final launch!
ocalhoun
UntitledDocument wrote:

Na but seriously I would love to fly and I don't believe it is impossible. Becoming a horse seems a liiiitttlle bit less possible though.

Only a little less possible though. You'd actually have to change quite a lot about the human body to make it able to fly. Wings to start out with, but also high metabolism, lighter bones, extra (very large) muscles added in to power the wings, something to give you the control a bird gets from its tail...
If we could do all that, turning someone into a horse wouldn't be far off!

I am glad now I included the part about flying! I knew there were a lot of people who would enjoy that, but I didn't know that they would be quite as serious about it as they are. I thought it would be more like a whim that they didn't really care about, but it looks like that is completely wrong. *looks forward to getting some flyer-wannabes for members...*
linkmenot
gcaughill wrote:
ocalhoun wrote:
I've been working on a redesign and rewording of my homepage. I've finished the index page now (which will be the first page anyone sees), and I thought I would post the new wording here, to see how all of you felt about it.

... message here




Hello ocalhoun,

I am not a horse person (or even sure if this is a joke or not), so I will leave it to others to offer suggestions on the content part of it.

Just looking at it, here are a few things you might want to consider:

1. People general skim instead of read on the internet. The text you have there might be ok for an About Us page, but on the home page you might want to consider just having a few bulleted points of your most important points.

2. Include clear verb/action based links based on the most common things visitors do on your site.

For example:

Become A Horse | Learn More About Us | Sign A Petition | Lobby Local Government Officials

etc.

Hope those points helped.


my thoughts exactly
ocalhoun
Since some of you wanted to see it, I'll let you know that the new homepage is finished and uploaded now. I haven't incorporated some of the ideas here yet, but I intend to use some of them. Thankfully, the biggest change I made was to make the homepage easy to edit!

You can get there with this link: http://www.EquineDream.org
Thumpercats
I would have to say you need to cut out some of the fat. Most people do skim on the internet as someone else indicated. You should make a quick introduction that tells the viewer what is going on. After that you can get into all the detail that you did about your horses.
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