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My Script

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Sorry is this is the wrong forum, but I wrote a script and I wanted to share it with you all and get your thoughts. Keep in mind though that it is for a machinema (Machine Cinema or video game movie) made with the video game Halo 3, so you may be unfamiliar with some of the terms. Also please keep in mind that it is episode 2 of a series so you just have to roll with it. You can watch episode one here if you want, but I didn't write it, and I don't think it's very good.

Quick Glossary:
Warthog - 3 seat jeep w/ mounted gun
UNSC - Future united earth military
Forrunners - ancient race of super technologicaly advanced aliens that are now all dead.
I'll ad more info here if you guys need it.

Here it is, I'm looking for constructive criticism:

Gray Team Transmission 2

Scene 1

[opening credits start rolling as the episode starts]
(The scene opens in the lab where A24 was created. The three androids are talking to Dr. Riser)

A21: … and then he just disappeared! One minute he was standing in front of us, and the next he was gone.

Riser: So, 21, tell me about this forerunner technology.

A21: Yes sir.

Riser: Since when do you call me sir?

A23: We are in the military.

Riser: well that's true, but, well technically, I’m not in your chain of command and... well no matter, tell me about what else you saw.

A21: We went into a forerunner structure and there was a terminal that the lieutenant said could be some sort of interface with the Halo rings. There are techs working on it, but it's badly damaged.

Riser: (babbling excitedly) My god! Do you know what this means?! This could be a quantum leap for science! Last time we found working forerunner technology it advanced our science 500 years! The holographic interface alone could- (A23 cuts him off)

A23: Save it doc.

Riser: (Calming down) Alright, alright, you wouldn’t understand anyway. So then, tell me what else happened.

A21: Well we also saw another terminal, it had a strange message on it, and that Elite showed up... (She trails off)

A24: He shouldn’t have been able to get away so easily!

A23: Don't worry 24, we won’t let him get away next time.

A24: I guess I just… I just... We were supposed to be protecting the LT, but instead we got him killed! His blood is on our hands.

A21: Look 24, it could have happened to anyone; it wasn’t our fault.

A24: If I had been better, he wouldn’t have died.

Riser: 24, I think it’s time for some training. 21, you and 23 take 24 around the base, give him the full tour and then report to Staff Sergeant Marque at thirteen hundred hours. He’ll be waiting for you at the training facility. Oh, before you go, I want to test a feature of yours that I've been working on. You probably didn't know this, but you three have the capability to communicate over your own encrypted radio channel. I'm now going to attempt to contact you, this should cause the software to come online which will allow you to use this capability in the future. (He goes over to a computer and leans over it. We hear this next bit over the radio) Testing, testing, 1 2 3. Hello?

A23: Hey doc! I hear ya!

Riser: Very good, how about the others?

A21: Loud and clear!

A24: Same.

Riser: Very good, I shall see you three later.

(The three file out as the scene fades to black)

[Gray Team Logo w/ theme song and shiz]

Scene 2

(The scene opens and the three androids are driving in a warthog on Standoff. A21 is driving with A24 in the passenger seat and A23 on gun (although he isn’t shooting at the moment). There should be some forklifts carrying missiles and stuff like that around, as well as random people driving and walking around, however none of them interfere with the scene. As they drive past one of the big missile silos A21 speaks)

A21: This base has the largest nuclear launch facility on the planet. There are a total of 16 silos in and around the compound.

A23: BooOoooring! Look at this! (Shoots into the air, camera clips into Last Resort showing a seagull getting killed)

A21: *sigh* Boys

A23: I’m not a boy, I’m an artificially intelligent carbon fiber, titanium reinforced combat chassis inside a suit of Mjolner Mark seven armor, who’s neural network only happens to be based of the brain of a male.

A21: All I heard was blah blah blah, you're a boy.

A23: Well, actually, according to the UNSC’s standard dictionary, “boy” is defined as-

A24: Cool it you two!

(The warthog stops in front of one of the bases and they walk in. They walk over to a door that it closed and press a button. After a moment or two the door slides open to reveal an elevator (This is going to take some editing, I'll discus it with you) they walk in and the camera goes in with them, then the door closes and they begin to descend.)

[Idea: Maybe have a big window in the side of the elevator through which we see a ton of awesome and crazy shit.]

A21: This and 16 other elevators are the only way to access this base from the ground. There are tall cliffs on all sides, you have to use these unless your flying.

A24: But there are tanks and missiles and things up there!

A21: Well, obviously not all the elevators are the same size. The main lift is large enough to carry four elephants at a time on one floor, and it has 3 levels.

A23: It's basically a parking garage that moves.

A24: Woah...

(The elevator stops and then the door opens. The Androids file out into the interior of the base on high ground and then walk out onto the top of the wall at the front of the base. They come out of the door under the Laser spawn on High Ground and walk along the top of the wall as they talk. There should be a person manning the turret, a person at the gate control console, two people standing outside in front of the gate, and various other guys standing around being guard-like. As the Androids walk out we see that a convoy of warthogs are coming up the road. As the scene progressed they reach the gate and stop, the guards go and inspect them, and then the gate is opened and they drive in. We may hear the guards talking in the background, but it should not get in the way of the Androids' dialog.)

A21: This is the primary entrance of Salient Concursion. It's heavily fortified because all the supplies and armaments of this region pass through this base.

A23: All I heard was blah blah blah, road with a big door.

A24: (Exasperated) *sigh*

A21: I'll have you know this is very important tactical information that could prove very valuable to 24 later.

A23: It's a freakin' door.

A21: You're a freakin' boy.

A23: I AM NOT A BOY! (The dialog has been getting softer and softer as they get farther away from the camera and into the doorway on the other side of the wall, this is the last line that we hear before they are too far away. Scene ends.)

Scene 3

(We see the three androids walking down the hallway on Foundry. They talk as they walk.)
A23: You ready for this 24?

A24: Uh... sure, I guess so.

A23: I was looking for more of a, “I was born ready!”(A24 stops and so do the other two)

A24: what?

A23: We'll work on it.

(They continue down the hall and are greeted by Staff Sgt. Marque)

A21: Four hundred and twenty seventh special ground unit reporting for training, sir.

Marque: Welcome to my little corner of paradise boys!

A21: *Clears throat*

Marque: ...and lady.

A21: Thank you.

( They walk into the course, still talking. As they turn the corner the camera clips away to show them walking out of the shotgun room on The Pit. They walk out of the doorway and then stop.)

Marque: Today you will be running the target course. There are a total of [insert number of targets here] targets throughout the course. You will proceed through as fast as you can while attempting to hit all the targets. You will be scored by your time and you will be penalized one second for every missed target. The current course record is held by Mr. Richard Aze (pronounced: ah-zey) here.

(During the following A23 &A24 are talking on their suit radios while Marque continues to talk in the background.)

A24: (on radio) Richard Aze?

A21: (on radio) We can't tell him our real names.

A24: (on radio) We don't have real names.

A23: (on radio) Exactly.

Marque: (We hear this in the background) You may use any standard issue UNSC armaments. You are barred from using any modified weaponry, and also barred from the course are any weapons that will cause irreparable harm to the training course itself. (looks meaningfully at (read: turns slowly to) A23) That means no rocket launchers son. (not in background anymore) You listenin' to me boy?

A23: Sir!

Marque: So, who's first?

A21: I'll give it a shot. (She pulls out the sniper rifle as she says it.)

Marque: Okay, on your mark... get set... go.

(A21 runs at top speed all the way to the other end of the course then runs straight back and stops right before the finish line, goes down on one knee, and promptly snipes every single target, then steps across the finish line. She then walks past 23 to stand next to 24.)

A21: Beat that boy!

A23: *hmf*

(Without waiting for Marque, 23 takes off with double SMGs blazing. He runs towards the opposite wall at tops speed guns blazing. He shoots in all different directions as he runs. At one point he jumps and spins around while crouched and shooting in mid-air the scene goes into bullet time while the camera does a 360. When he reaches the opposite wall he punches the target that is on it and then turns around (while picking up the SMG he just dropped) and runs back to the finish line and punches the final target as he runs across.)

A23: You're up.

(A24 pulls out a battle riffle and runs into the training course. He stops and shoots at a target, missing, then runs to the next one and shoots at it and misses, he does this with every target only hitting one or two of them, and eventually ends up crossing the finish line. During this A21 talks to him over the radio.)

A21: (on radio) Don't worry about your aim 24, your targeting software is calibrating itself for the fist time. Just keep doing your best until it's finished booting up, and then you shouldn't have any trouble hitting every single target.

(A24 finishes his run)

Marque: Well son, quite frankly, that was the worst shooting I've ever seen. Even new recruits who've never even touched a gun before do better than that.

(A voice come over the intercom)

Disembodied female voice: Hostiles incoming! All units mobilize immediately!

Marque: You two, come with me! (He runs off followed by 21 & 23. A24 I left alone in the training course. He walks out onto the course at continues shooting at the targets. This time he hits most of them. When he runs out of ammo, mirror drops down in front of him (mirror has a spent sword) and punches him in the face. Then it the camera moves to first person view. Through A24's eyes we see him look back and forth, but he doesn't see anything. Then something moves across a doorway, but we can't tell what it is. A24 turn to look directly at it and then we see (still through first person view) mirror right next to 24 for a split second right before he punches 24 again. When the punch lands A24's vision turns to static for a second before returning to normal. He looks back and forth frantically (read: fast) and then he sees mirror next to him out of the corner of his eye. The camera goes back to third person as he swings sideways and we see that Mirror wasn't actually there, or at least not any more. As A24 punches nothing Mirror appears right next to him and hits him in the back of the head. He goes down and lays on the floor. We clip back to the first person view and we see his view of mirror standing over him looking down at him. Through 24's eyes we see static was across his visions and critical error flashing in red. Mirror draws his sword, but then we hear a siren go off in the distance and mirror runs off. The static eventually overcomes the rest of the screen and then goes to black.)

You can see the final product here.
I think this thread requires more close and serious look. The post become too long to threaten at first sight. I'll come back again for a second thought.
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