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another long distance one down the drain





bjwok
some of you may remember me from the "realistic request?" thread here in this same topic... well here i am again many months later with yet another tale of woe due to distance.

a beautiful dutch girl approached me in the restaurant i work at part time and asked me out. we did. it was beautiful and we quickly fell deeply in love. we lived together for the next two months, i met her family over skype, she talked to me about her life in amsterdam and got me to such a loving, comfortable position with her, but then she had to leave to go back to amsterdam to live (i live in south australia).

we agreed to stay together and that at the end of the year i would come visit her for three weeks and if we were still happily in love then we could talk about the future.

within two weeks of her being home the txt messages and emails stopped. i got sad and felt lonely. i told her i was upset and that i thought we would be a lot closer than that. then she broke up with me. she only wants to be friends because she cannot see a future for us.

man, i feel cheated and used. dont' know why i a posting this here because i have a lot of good friends who have offered me advice already and i certainly know how to deal with this from my last experience, but it is good to let it all out again!

i am still in love with her, i am telling myself to hate her so i can have my heart to myself again, but it is not working. i am still deeply in love with her, but she is not me.

damn
mattyj
Sorry to hear about your situation Sad

LOng distance relationships are very hard...Me and my wife were long distance to begin with (for about 4 months or so) but nothing like your distance...She was in Melb and Me in Bendigo, we saw each at weekends and stuff, but i know your situation must have been much harder, but just remember, there are other fish in the sea
bjwok
thanks man, yeah i know there are other fish and i think i am just about ready to start fishing again!
ddoonie
Sorry to hear that... My girlfriend and I are long distance at the moment, and have been for almost a year now. It is very difficult, but should it end in heartbreak i would not have any regrets. I WOULD regret had i not attempted to make this work out. It is quite testing over the phone as all you can rely on is vocal communication, you cannot see their emotions etc.. For some, this is far to difficult, which it may have been for her. Another thing it may have been (from experience), is her friends may be telling her that you wont be faithful, or you wouldnt wait blah blah blah... The doubts mount up etc...

All i can suggest is you ask yourself, is this heartache worth it, should it work out? Cause if you didnt try then you would have never known...
bjwok
thanks man, i admire you and your girl for going for it! i knew i would be fine and it certainly was worth it. it was her who decided it was not worthy. i was loyal and 100% committed, but she wasn't. ahh well, it just shows that she was not worthy of someone as rad as i am. her loss and someone elses gain.
LimpFish
man I feel with you, Im from Sweden and met a girl in Hawaii. We've been long distance for about 15 months now. And its been working pretty good considering the distance. She came to visit me and my family for christmas. But now I must say it is not looking to good. She kidna wants to break up, and i already booked a $1200-ticket to go there for the entire summer... She says I can still come and stay with her though,.... but I dont know how that will be...
bjwok
champ, word of advice: if she "kinda wants to break up" don't go! pull the pin before she does and let her feel like crap for even questioning it. if you have been loyal and dedicated and she has met your family for christmas and it's been for 15 months, then she should realise you are gold. if she wants to end it, let it end and let her feel like crap. you sound like you were genuine - what do girls want thes days!
LimpFish
yea man I've been loyal and dedicated. I treated her like a princess and she even admits that herself... so i dont know whats going on but yea now she broke up. but she says i shouldnt feel weird about coming and staying with her and her family since i already booked my ticket and stuff... and thats what sucks, I payed $1200 already for my flight there, and also payed another thousand for a missions trip we're both going on... and I dont think I can cancel any of em...

I wonder too, what do girls want these days?
bjwok
well man, that sounds really terrible. it is going to be hard for you at the moment and nothing anyone says will help in your particular situation, so just do what you feel is right in your heart.

people let you down. sometimes you can believe someone is something that they say they are, but then they change that part about themselves. when they change they are thinking of themselves and what is right for them. it is not wrong to act this way, however it does show that they are not thinking of two people (which is what you need to do when in a relationship) and probably they should not be in a relationship. it's sad and i am still hurting right now by my ex but there is nothing i can do.

life is a rollercoaster isn't it?!!
Srs2388
hey bjwok...
Here is a bit of advice for long distance relationships down the drain.
don't think you would want something from someone who has had as many relationships fail.
Try to think about it this way though.
I know it doesn't help right now, but here goes.
I know it hurts when you love someone and you aren't with them... you miss them, you'll try to tell yourself you don't miss them.
Just stay busy try not to dwell on it too much. Things are awful for you right now. i know you are sitting around the house and it's all you can think about at the moment. You are having moments where you just want to cry.
Think about this... If you are her are meant to be it will happen. If not you will find love elsewhere.
Things can get terrible before they get worse.
or if you want to hear it this way.
it's always darkest before dawn.
Good luck with everything and I'm sorry to hear that.
LimpFish
thanks bjwok for your comments, it helps. I know how you feel and I guess the way Im tryin to deal with it is to try stay busy, do stuff, hang out w friends and stuff, because if I dont keep myself busy, I just sit around and think of her and us and that we're not together, all of our plans that are never gonna happen etc. So my advice would be to stay busy, it helps to get my mind on other things than her. And just like you said, people are not always what they say or appear to be, it seems to be obvious for the both of us. And I guess it is better to discover now that they are the kinda person that thinks of themselves before the two of you/us, than later...
molif
its not easy to have a long distance relationship anyway.. so, before u stepped into it again the next time, just remember the hardship uve been through before..
bjwok
too true molif.

i am now more single than a slice of kraft cheese and i will be very careful who i date from here on in! (and where they are from or going is of massive importance!)
LimpFish
yea man, no more long distance relationship for me. and i too will think very carefully before i get into another relationship at all. not that it will help, i thought carefully before goin into the one i was just in too... didnt help :S
Klaw 2
I had one long range relation too, however I was 15 then and she too. Now I am 18 in 4 months or so I will be 19 and I don't think she is atractive anymore because by the image in my mind she is still 15. We only saw each other at the beginning. Exchanged email adresses before I left and emailed each other often. However the mails were less and less frequent, and it died out by itself.
taytay
I had one long distance relation ship when I was 15 as well.. It was awesome until her best friend got jealous. Her friend started having her pull pranks on me. it tore my heart up but I forgave her each time. Then she broke up with me when we were at a church youth camp for a week in summer. it wasn't until 6 months later (when I was visiting my family for christmas. she lives down the block from 'em) I found out her best friend had an abusive boy friend at the time Her friend didn't like that I was treating my girl friend with respect.

That was the end of long distance relationships for me. The way our relationship ended overall (I wont explain...) had me afraid of having girl friends until about 6 months ago when a girl that serously liked me had to very patiantly coax me into embrassing the idea again.

relationships can hurt... esspecially during teen age years.
blackheart
This is one of those things that no amount of advice is going to fix, you're just going to need the time for your feelings to die down, and to meet somebody new.

There's also no point in forcing yourself to "hate" her. I've found part of moving on is just allowing yourself to feel what it is you really feel... which then allows you to grieve like you need to (and as you shouldn't be ashamed to do, it's a normal human reaction). Also, don't walk on eggshells with meeting new girls - you've had a bad experience, but you need to take chances or you won't be able to move forward.


I think it's a good idea to express yourself to family/friends and on forums like these. Support = awesome.


I hope you do end up being friends, and that you bump into somebody else who'll push her out of your mind.


=> Jess

(PS: My boyfriend is in the Army Reserves. Atm I live in the SE suburbs of Melbourne, and he in the NE... so I wouldn't say we're long distance but we aren't exactly close. He's going full time sometime in the next year, and if he's posted interstate I'm shitscared that the same thing is going to happen to me).
doppleganger
long distance relationships seldom work

thank god mine did.

me and my wife were into a long distance relationship for 4 years before we got married

so luck also does play a part plus the emotional stability is also there
bjwok
actually, blackheart i found the opposite of what you said worked for me!

i needed to hate her (bec - the one who went to london, not anne the most recent) to stop loving her. it was only until i felt extreme anger towards her was i able to fully grasp what she did to me and just how terrible a person she is. feeling that strongly against finally helped me to let her go. now i can safely say i couldn't give a rats about her or what she does. she had gold with me and for whatever her reasons she decided to throw that away. she can now live with it.

and the most recent (anne, who went home to amsterdam) did not hurt me anywhere near as much as bec because she was honest with me and didn't drag me through lies and deception. she broke my heart completely in two, but she explained herself clearly to me. i don't feel the same as her and i would never have come to the same decision as her, but then again we are all different. again, she made the decision for both of us and i have to live with it.

i am not in love with either of these girls anymore and i AM cautious of the next girl i meet. i have learnt this by being trampled on. you live, you learn.
blackheart
doppleganger wrote:
long distance relationships seldom work

thank god mine did.

me and my wife were into a long distance relationship for 4 years before we got married

so luck also does play a part plus the emotional stability is also there


Well, I only hope that my relationship becomes something of a doppleganger of yours then. There's just no certainty at the beginning of the journey.

bjwok wrote:
actually, blackheart i found the opposite of what you said worked for me!


I suppose everyone's different, just most of those I've seen compelling themselves to "hate" their ex were in fact only repressing their feelings, which then complicates their next relationships when those feelings bubble back up again. You can hate what someone's done - that emotional pang that comes with loss - without hating them as a person.

It's not like she changed her inherent character when she returned home, she was just in over her head, and in reality not as deeply in love with you as she'd thought. Didn't know how to let you down, or how to explain... so just dropped you flat. Weak, and selfish, but not neccessarily malicious. She may have been similarly forcing herself to dislike you as a means of forcing herself to end a relationship she logically thought was too inconveniant.

Hmm, I don't even know what I'm saying, this is more based on observing a friend of mine than you I spose.


Go with whatever works,
=> Jess
LimpFish
ok listen to my situation. i booked my ticket for about $1200 a few months before this summer, when its one month left until i leave, she breaks up. and here i am with a ticket i cannot rebook or get a refund on. it is also booked for 3 months, the entire summer, because she really wanted me here for her birtday, which is today. so here i am sitting, in hawaii. on her birthday... dude life sucks so bad.
bjwok
champ, that really sucks. and your in hawaii right now? damn.

all i can suggest is get out there amongst other girls - even if you are not keen on anyone, just be around other girls. anything to take your mind off her. it will be hard champ, it will be hard, but as each day goes on it will get easier.

keep your chin up man, it is her loss. you were willing to change for her and when she realises this she will wish it never went the way it did.
Chinmoy
Hey guys, life can always get better! I went with this girl for 3 years and when i had to move out for studies to a differrent place, she broke up with me. I know it is hard, and when we are into into it it feels like weve' gotta make it. But, once out of it, you see the world as it is. And the last thing she told me was 'get over it. I know there is no 4giveness for these kind of things but if you can please...'!
Three years and it ends without a reason! And i had to forgive her. Still sometimes I get mad at her, but i pray that wherever she is, whatever she does, all i want is that she is happy.
I dont want her back but i want her to realize what she did and how grave it was. I cannot curse her cuz, maybe somwhere in my heart, i still love her, but everytime i see her face, everytime i see her smile, i feel as if she stole away all my happiness..Its hard but i guess the best thing for me is to-as she said 'get over it.'
rightclickscott
Me and my girlfriend are long distance. She lives on one side of Middletown, and I live on the other. And we don't have any usable transportation between us. WOE IS SCOTT AND STEPH!
blackheart
rightclickscott wrote:
Me and my girlfriend are long distance. She lives on one side of Middletown, and I live on the other. And we don't have any usable transportation between us. WOE IS SCOTT AND STEPH!


I think we really do have similar relationship-style circumstances (if you didn't pick it I responded to your topic about the attivities surrounding your first couple days...).

Tim lives in the NE of Melbourne, me in the SE (although I can get there either by two buses, or a bus/longwalk and two trains... each option taking about an hour and a half).
bjwok
c'mon guys, that ain't a long distance relationship!! you can grab a couple of buses whenever you want and be with the one you love! pfffttt!

nah, but seriously i know it can still be difficult, even with the short distance.
blackheart
bjwok wrote:
c'mon guys, that ain't a long distance relationship!! you can grab a couple of buses whenever you want and be with the one you love! pfffttt!

nah, but seriously i know it can still be difficult, even with the short distance.



The distance wouldn't be such an issue if we were old enough to drive on our own. (Or well, he is, but doesn't have his P's yet). Or if I wasn't still in year 12. Or if I was old enough to be able to stay over where he is (damn parents doing their job...).

But I still know we aren't that long distance atm, it's more when he goes full time and may be posted interstate. My sense of real distance is informed by mates of our who live four hours drive apart and aren't any older than us. (Which isn't Europe, but is still travel... talk about commitment her mum driving her to his every weekend).

=> Jess
gr8inferno
yikes!
deanhills
I am really sorry this happened to you. The pain must be unbelievable and I can relate.

Have you thought about it that she may have done this to someone else too? She may have been involved with someone else in the Netherlands at the time when she approached you?

I am sure your friends must have told you you deserve better, and of course that does not make you feel better, but it is obviously true. Time to let go and to move on. Pain does not go away of course, but life is subtle, the only way you get over things if you stay on the move. And so with doing lots of other things and moving on, one day you wake up and reallize you have not been thinking about this person for a while. That was a new level of sadness for me as of course with thinking about the person you kept the love connection alive, and by moving on, the connection dimmed. The final act of letting go of something that had been larger than life in your life.
rightclickscott
blackheart wrote:
rightclickscott wrote:
Me and my girlfriend are long distance. She lives on one side of Middletown, and I live on the other. And we don't have any usable transportation between us. WOE IS SCOTT AND STEPH!


I think we really do have similar relationship-style circumstances (if you didn't pick it I responded to your topic about the attivities surrounding your first couple days...).

Tim lives in the NE of Melbourne, me in the SE (although I can get there either by two buses, or a bus/longwalk and two trains... each option taking about an hour and a half).


You're a moderator I've never met? Hi, I'm Scott. I'm a dick, but a funny dick. I have no idea who you are, and can only assume that you're new and I never got the chance to talk to you. Either way, if you haven't already, you'll probably be seeing a lot more of me.
bjwok
lets keep on topic champ. what was the point of your last point? you could have pm'd that info?
LimpFish
ok i just found out that the reason my girl broke up with me was because that a guy started hittin on her, which I knew, and asked her not to hang out with him. but she said he was his friend, which was true, and that she couldnt just stop hangin out with him. i though she could stop hangin out with him, but she didnt. then she broke up. dude if i could get my hands on that man I would.
rightclickscott
bjwok wrote:
lets keep on topic champ. what was the point of your last point? you could have pm'd that info?


Because PMs are boring. Everything I do, I do in public.
bjwok
c'mon man, you gonna hijack this thread with your inane dribble? if you have something to say to someone that is outside the scope of this thread either start a thread of your own or PM them. it's basic manners champ.
LimpFish
ok so my gf who dumped me because of feelings for another guy... that she is not dating or anything at all, but she felt she couldnt be with me while having feelings for someone else... wants really bad to still be my friend... what should I do? I like her as a friend too, we were good friends before.. but at the same time she hurt me so bad... i dont know how to act.
bjwok
that's a tricky one champ, because you will not be able to look at her just as a friend if you have once looked at her with the eyes of a lover. i am still friends with my ex, but she lives in amsterdam and me australia so it is pretty damn easy actually. will you have to see her much?
LimpFish
right now we are both in hawaii, but ill go back to sweden in a month... so i guess we will be in the same situation as you...
thejam
Plus the problem with long distance is, little things might blow up big time. I had a long distance relationship too, altough i tried to call her everyday, send her gifts by mail, and even contacted other people who lived in her city to surprise her with sweet gifts.
Everything seemed to work out pretty well. She's all independent and was extremely busy at that time too. However after a while we both felt the "i miss you's" and the "i love you's " were not that powerfull anymore. She broke up with me, and to be honest, although i loved her so much when we were together, i was not that hart broken at all.
Unexpected i could return to the city she lived in earlier than expected. When i saw her the whole world went upside down again. She felt exactly the same, and i could tell that without saying one word to her. We are back together again, and are actually far away from eachother again. But this time we know better for sure...
It's a real long and pricey distance from Australia to Amsterdam, but if you realy feel something fo her, go and see her. Its the best way to show you are serious..
bjwok
nah, i am not going anywhere near her. she doesn't want what i was offering, so she will not get it! someone more deserving will.
LimpFish
Yea.. dude, Im just so mad sometimes. mostly I am ok, but then sometimes I think of that scumbag and her together, and i get sooooo mad! I literally want to knock him out so bad! I try not to think about it, but it is sooo hard! I wish he would just get som disease and drop dead, I know it's bad, but I cant help wishing that Shocked
bjwok
go through the anger faze mate. it's normal. and when you are on the other side you'll feel much better that you went through ALL the steps. i was FUMING at my ex, now i couldn't care if she gets hit by a bus.
LimpFish
yea i think it is normal to be mad after someone treated you that bad. seriously, i cant understand how people can act like that. but i guess maybe its better this way than ending up marrying someone who is capable of doing such a thing...
bjwok
my thoughts EXACTLY man. the funny thing is i have heard that my ex has a new boyfriend. i am laughing on the inside to think what a nightmare ride this guy is in for! sucker!!
LimpFish
haha yeah exactly.. im so confused though... i hate what she did to me... but she comes by sometimes and i LOOOOOOOOVE hanging out with her sooo much. it is crazy. we have so much fun and she is sooo nice, BUT she dumped me... its so hard to know what I should feel
bjwok
i guess our situations are pretty different in that sense, cos i haven't seen her since last november. i think if i did see her i would not feel any different, the girl is demented. all told, it is her loss and the day when she realises that will hurt her more. i would suggest not seeing her at all. don't let her be a part of your life even as a mate, it will only serve to hurt you the more that you do see her.
LimpFish
I'm back in sweden now. and it seems like she has realized her mistake. she's probably called me about ten times in the three weeks ive been home so far...
jenss
ddoonie wrote:
Sorry to hear that... My girlfriend and I are long distance at the moment, and have been for almost a year now. It is very difficult, but should it end in heartbreak i would not have any regrets. I WOULD regret had i not attempted to make this work out. It is quite testing over the phone as all you can rely on is vocal communication, you cannot see their emotions etc.. For some, this is far to difficult, which it may have been for her. Another thing it may have been (from experience), is her friends may be telling her that you wont be faithful, or you wouldnt wait blah blah blah... The doubts mount up etc...

All i can suggest is you ask yourself, is this heartache worth it, should it work out? Cause if you didnt try then you would have never known...


Just telephone kind of sucks. Try getting a webcam. It's so much more personal and they are really easy to use. It will make your relationship much more personal. The reason long distance relationships don't work is because we all have a physical need to see and touch the people we love. Granted the touch portion is still missing with the webcam but it makes it a lot harder to think about leaving the relationship when you can see the other person's face on a regular basis and you have to picture the disappointment on their face if you/they were to leave.

Jen
jenss
So on the topic of remaining friends after a breakup - it is possible depending on the circumstances. It seems (at least in every instance I've been in) that friendship can work if the person willing to be friends is the one who got dumped. If you broke up with someone and they are fine with being friends then it works. If you are fine with it and you were dumped then it will work. For me, everytime I've broken up with a guy they hate me but all of my exes that dumped me, I'm still friends with. Is this a guy thing? If guys get dumped they automatically hate the girl even if they know it wouldn't work?

Jen
LimpFish
After being treated horribly by my with whom I had a long distance relationship, I can now see it clearer, and I am sooo happy that she broke up with me. Living with a girl like that would not have been worthy of being called a life at all. Sooo satisfied with life now having a real girlfriend that is mature and cares about me too, and not just herself and her egoistic needs.

Awesome Razz
deanhills
The worst kind of breakup is the kind where the person never really had the guts to break up with you. They sort of did a gradual disappearing act on you, and you had to figure it out yourself little by little in complete confusion and final disillusionment. That happened to me in my first ever serious relationship. Ever since then I have developed a healthy regard for those who have the guts to break up with their partners and an even healthier regard for those who are strong enough in themselves to accept what happened to them when their partners broke up with them, without wanting to go back down memory lane and change things back to where they were before. Breaking up is part of life! I once saw a PowerPoint show equating life with a journey on a train, so some of the people stay on the train with you, and others choose to get off, which is sad, but real. People come, people go. All the time.
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