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A Son Who Is In Danger Of Becoming Just Like Me.





flyfamilyguy
Don't really know exactly what to write at the moment. First it was a miscarriage, now I fear that my step-son is going down the same road that I have traveled, and I have NO idea how to handle it.

No matter what I say, or what I do, he continues to ditch school, and rebel in general. Let me make it clear...I cannot be blamed for this behavior, as he has lived most of his life with his father of whom he claims to hate. He and I are very close because I give him the love and respect that he does not get from his biological father. He wants to live with his mother and I, and is an amazing child with the potential to be anything that he wants to be, but continues in the same behavior whether he is living with us, or his father.
I am so damn scared that he will end up like me! Living out of hotels, and cheap apartments because I spent all of my younger years at party's, and roaming around the country instead of getting the kind of education needed to provide a stable, secure, and happy home for my family. When My brain finally caught up with my age, it was too late. Now I struggle to make ends meet, and I see him going in the same direction.
At this moment, all I want in life is for my beautiful step-son to realize his dreams. How to help him do it is killing me!
tijn01
It must be hard, but you have to accept a couple of things:
First of all: it is his life, he will learn from his own mistakes and hopefully sooner rather than later.

I think the only thing you can do is encourge him to make the right descisions, there is no point in forcing him to do something, cause he'll end up doing the opposite!

Good luck
ainieas
Maybe you can tell him exactly the same things that you mentioned in your post here. He sounds like a sensible kid, he'll definitely see your point. But apart from that I don't think you can live his life from him. Maybe I'm being blunt but the next best thing would be to let him choose his path but make sure you keep an eye out for your son so that you catch him every time he stumbles. Good luck!
mike_phi
how old is he some times people just go through phases, besides that I think he needs to be allowed the freedom but given direction that way hopefully he will turn his behaviour for the better another thing is to talk to a professional and learn ways of how to deal with him as he probably dose not want to seak to a profesional but maybe you can get some tips and methods as to how to relate to him and convey your message and hopes for him

cheers and good luck
flyfamilyguy
Thank you, 'tijn01', 'ainieas' and 'mike_phi'.
tijn01 said:
Quote:
you have to accept a couple of things:
First of all: it is his life, he will learn from his own mistakes and hopefully sooner rather than later.
Yes, you are right, but as a parent my responsibilty is to nudge him in the right directions.

ainieas said:
Quote:
Maybe you can tell him exactly the same things that you mentioned in your post here.
We are on the same page my friend! Smile I tell him every day.
Quote:
But apart from that I don't think you can live his life for him.
Make no mistake.,I in NO WAY wish to create a "Better Me" in my son. (I am not attempting to revisit my past in order to change it through my son.) I am simply remembering all the suffering every time that he makes the same mistakes. Because I love him, I do not want him to experience that suffering.

mike_phi said:
Quote:
how old is he? some times people just go through phases.
He is 16 years old, and trust me, in the neighborhoods of Los Angeles, once a child starts down that road it is not a Phase!
Quote:
another thing is to talk to a professional and learn ways of how to deal with him as he probably dose not want to seak to a profesional
Thought about that, but it is my opinion that it really does not do much for a childs self-esteem if his parents are sending him to Quack Doctors. It only enforces the idea in his mind that there is something wrong with him.

Thanks again to the three of you! He just finished his homework. ( a BIG step in the right direction!)
Chris24
Does he have set ground rules? You said he wants to stay with your wife and yourself. Why not set the ground rules to which if he doesn't abide by them he will have to go back and live with his father. I know you love him like your own, but if there are no ultimatums he probably sees he can do want he wants. It just sounds that way from your post. Don't take this the wrong way but it might be your only other option right now. You say you tell him all the things you have posted and are getting no where, maybe this will act as a wake up call for him. Good luck
flyfamilyguy
Chris24 wrote:
Does he have set ground rules? You said he wants to stay with your wife and yourself. Why not set the ground rules to which if he doesn't abide by them he will have to go back and live with his father. I know you love him like your own, but if there are no ultimatums he probably sees he can do want he wants. It just sounds that way from your post. Don't take this the wrong way but it might be your only other option right now. You say you tell him all the things you have posted and are getting no where, maybe this will act as a wake up call for him. Good luck

Thanks for the post Chris24!
Yes, he DOES have "set ground rules". (In my home anyway.) The thing is...if I, or his father remove priviledges, he seems to adapt! LOL! It's like it does not bother him. He just copes with it, and goes on about his routine.
He really is so much better when he his with his Mom and I. Like right now, he actually met my deadline for homework completion, and is happily enjoying his reward..,XBOX! lol. I guess I'm just scared because financially speaking, he is much better off with his father who is an Aero Space Engineer with the income to provide for him, but who is also a terrible dad. I don't know..,it seems that I'm answering my own questions after writing out my feelings. He is better off with us!
He behaves better, he seems happier, and he is DOING HIS SCHOOL WORK! lol.
ovidiuo
flyfamilyguy wrote:
Chris24 wrote:
Does he have set ground rules? You said he wants to stay with your wife and yourself. Why not set the ground rules to which if he doesn't abide by them he will have to go back and live with his father. I know you love him like your own, but if there are no ultimatums he probably sees he can do want he wants. It just sounds that way from your post. Don't take this the wrong way but it might be your only other option right now. You say you tell him all the things you have posted and are getting no where, maybe this will act as a wake up call for him. Good luck

Thanks for the post Chris24!
Yes, he DOES have "set ground rules". (In my home anyway.) The thing is...if I, or his father remove priviledges, he seems to adapt! LOL! It's like it does not bother him. He just copes with it, and goes on about his routine.
He really is so much better when he his with his Mom and I. Like right now, he actually met my deadline for homework completion, and is happily enjoying his reward..,XBOX! lol. I guess I'm just scared because financially speaking, he is much better off with his father who is an Aero Space Engineer with the income to provide for him, but who is also a terrible dad. I don't know..,it seems that I'm answering my own questions after writing out my feelings. He is better off with us!
He behaves better, he seems happier, and he is DOING HIS SCHOOL WORK! lol.


Of course he behaves better when he is with you and his mother cause he is in a family and a family is a powerfull environement especialy when is a peacefull and warm home. You should consider though as from the age of 14 till 17-18 a boy is searching for it's personality.

I am looking of my nephew who's 15 now and it will turn 16 in december. He is wild but is also listening to his parrents but when he wants something he gets it.

Every boy at this age is a litle wilder than normaly as he wants to prove something to him and others around him.

Hpw much time he spends with his biological father? Maybe you could talk to the guy to be more sever with him as you both are and to encourage the boy to be the boy that you want.

It's strange though as the boy allways want to be or as his biological father or contrar to him and yuo said he is an aero Space Engineer and he should be proud and try to be like him but in my oppinion the boy is angry with his father and he wants to be just the opposite.

Trust me you will know what to do when the time will come
Chris24
Quote:
guess I'm just scared because financially speaking, he is much better off with his father who is an Aero Space Engineer with the income to provide for him, but who is also a terrible dad.


Again I don't want to sound the wrong way but couldn't your wife ask the father to up his "contributions" financially to help you out to provide better for him. Just alleviate from what it sounds like financial stress you are having. If I am wrong forgive me.

I also believe that he is much better off with your wife and yourself just due to the fact that he is in a family environment with structure and people who are showing they that care for and love him. Anyways I wish you all the best and who knows maybe it is just a stage.
supjapscrapper
that must be one hell of a hard situation to live...my god. You definitely have to do something. The least would be that you tell him the truth about what you think he's doing. Just take him one day with you on a trip somewhere on the week-end or else, and tell him about your life. Tell him about his father and help him get his head clear. Give him some time because making points clear in such a situation is not easy, no matter what the age is. Make him feel that he is already responsible for his acts and that all you can do is help him if he wants it. Make him understand that he's gonna get what he started. The best for him would be to break away from the environment he lives in and forget the familial situation he lives in. Many times this works pretty well when people just go somewhere else, break the links they have and forget, they nmeet other people and get motivated to do something with their lives. But to do this he has got to be prepared. And you have got to prepare him. nobody else is going to.
RubySlasher
Maybe his school life has depressed him. You could consider home study, that way he wouldn't have to deal with the stress of the outside world at such an awkward age. (I myself couldn't deal with people or school when I was younger, it made me completely anti-social, depressed, and uninterested in life. When I got out, I felt better. I'm 18 now, and I feel much happier and self accomplished with everything that I learned by myself and at home.)
The one thing that my teachers and my mom said that made me feel better was, "You have time to do things at your own pace. It's okay."

Help him get interested in things he's passionate about: art, digital media, design. Things that he could have a future in, and which make him happy. If he's not sure, you could experiment. Give him a camera, some paint and canvas. I'm certain that everyone has something they like to do that is creative.
loryl
I absolutely agree that your son is better off with the caring environment that you have provided. However, remember that he doesn't spend 24 hours a day with you. There are other things that influence him other than his parents.

I take it that you and your family live in Los Angeles. If so, does he go to the public school system there? Los Angeles Unified School District is the second largest school district in the US. Partially because it's so large and partially because poverty is rampant in LA, the school district is MESSED UP. It's hard to control kids in overcrowded and underfunded (or poorly financially controlled) schools. Kids there aren't getting a good education for several reasons:

1. Some teachers suck. Many schools in poor, urban, overcrowded areas can't hire good teachers due to lack of incentives (money, good/safe working conditions). As a result, you have crappy teachers that don't know what they're teaching and can't get hired to better places. They let kids enter high schools on 5th grade reading levels.

2. With overcrowded schools and rowdy high school students, no one cares if they show up to class. So what's the point of going to class?

3. Some students are a bad influence. Do you know who your son hangs out with?

If your son's in an LAUSD school, do you know the API of your son's school? (I think that all public schools must release this data.) Go here to check it out. Scroll down to the name of your son's school, and wait for the page to load. Then go to "performance indicators" and scroll down to "API school data". A popup window should appear with the API of your school for the past several years. Anything under 700 usually means that the school needs to improve. For LAUSD, there are a lot of schools in the 500's and 600's.

This doesn't mean that your son's doomed. It just means that you need to keep a sharper eye on him or move him to a better school.
iyepes
I think the best you can do for him is being a good father. And that means doing what you are doing, taking care of him, establishing firm rules according to his age, talking to him, hearing him. showing with your life style how to take right decissions. Don't panic, just continue doing your work at home.
Srs2388
You are a great father... too many would say oh well he'll learn.
You have the concern which is really good. The most you can do is to hope he learns from mistakes. You could have a talk with him and tell him how you feel... a one on one serious conversation.
It might not do a lot at first.. but it can help in the long run.
I really hope everything goes okay.
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