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40 days and 40 nights

Did you see the movie? well I can say I'm somehow playing the movie right now.

I have a good friend, we sporadicly end up involved in sex things. It started several months after we met. But he always reacted at the end with running away. The first times it happened he hadn't a girlfriend, but he always looked repented after finishing, and went away as far as possible.

A year later, he returned with an old girlfriend, I supposed those things would never happen again, but they occurred, and he reacted the same way at the end.

I have to say that we are good friends with our clothes on, we help and support each other. He knows about my life and I know about his.

Since he has a girlfriend now, sometimes the regret comes to him, and he tells me this won't happen again. We had agreed many times that our friendship doesn't need sex. That we can continue being good friends taking that part away. But even saying that, he seems to "forget" it conveniently for a while, and remembers it just after the sex finishes.

I've done some effort to quit this, my last one was inspired in the movie 40 days and 40 nights. I've put my self in abstinence, in order to keep me clean from this. I really care for him, but I think we don't need sex in our friendship. So I took the move this time to stop this.

He has reacted ambivalent, he said it's ok, but sometimes he temptes me. He used to mail me porn, and that was a hidden message of what he wants to do at night. After I told him I'm in abstinence. He quit mailing me porn. I appreciate that.

My question is, why if he agrees that sex interfeeres with our friendship, if he always looks repented after, why does he still wants to do it with me?

Now that I'm in abstinence, he chats me sometimes by msn, and says me things to start a sexual chat. If he agreed about quiting sex, why does he still try it?

edit by rvec: see it all fits in one ... no need to make 3 posts of it.
more than likely, his g/f has never given him any and you already have.

bottom line: he's a man. they are very sexually oriented. for them, the need is stronger than the need is for us.

Either that, or he's trying to have two g/f's at once, and it's not working, so he's trying to tell himself you are a friend, when he wants to date the both of you.
I agree, the bottom line is he's a man!

I know its a general statement and I'll probably be flamed, but it is much harder for guys to truly have a platonic relationship with a girl and not ever want to sleep with her. I've loads of female friends and yep we have fun, go out and have late nights etc, and I play the friend thing, enjoying the company and shared time without spoiling it by trying to turn the relationship into something sexual. I will admit though, that I would sleep with every female friend of mine if they ever tried it on with me, and it has happened occasionally because yep, I'm a guy and pretty weak when it comes to turning down sex.
If you don't want to sleep with your friend though, stay strong and continue saying no, if he's truly your friend he'll understand, but if he doesn't I'd really think about if you really want that friendship in your life.
Good luck tho Smile
It seem to me that he thinks that if he screws it up with you then you will still be his friend. If someone becomes girlfrined/boyfriend with someone before any sort of friendship then they most likely won't talk together afterwards, or they will become a couple again.
But it also seem like he can't keep a relationship, he needs more than one person. Someone feel like they are chocing by having just one relationship, so they need more.

And even if you are telling him no then I don't think he has gotten the message, or you havne't made it clear enough. If you really don't want a sexual friendship then you have to tell him that if he doesn't change then he can loose you, not that you should tell him that, but make it clear for him.
I don't like the "he is a man" idea. It's like telling men are helpless creatures dominated by their instinct, that's much a cultural excuse to male infidelity. I really think much better on men.

We chatted by msn today about it. We usually avoid talking about it. It's like spliting each other in two people, the one who is friend, and the other one who shares sex. When the subject appeared, he agreed about my perception that he haven't considered it a good thing from the begining, but the sexual desire is too strong to let it go.

He also told me that he prefers not to think about that dilemma, because it unnecessary complicates his life.

So the key is we both feel strong desire for each other, but making it real affect us negatively.

He has stayed away from me in my celibacy time. We have seen each other with clothes on Smile. He agrees it's not good for us being sexually involved. But we both accept there's still a strong desire.
I hope it all works out for you but like it or not men are different to women because our hormone levels and whats in us is different to women.
I am the first to agree as a man that we are all equal and should treat each other with respect dignity love and kindness, but men and womens instincts are very different because of the different chemicals washing through our bodies - thats just science and biology. we react to our instincts is what makes us as good or not good people, but the instincts are always there.

If you don't accept these differences are there you may end up totally believing everything a man says and later regretting it!

Good luck with your friendship though, it's always more complicated when its man/woman, but it can be a better, more deeper friendship often than man/man or woman/woman Smile
iyepes wrote:
I don't like the "he is a man" idea. It's like telling men are helpless creatures dominated by their instinct, that's much a cultural excuse to male infidelity. I really think much better on men.
I agree with you on this. As a male I can confirm that celebacy is something that doesn't 'come naturally' to men - neither do platonic relationships with women. I think, however, that this is an argument which is ultimately sterile. If we accept that because something does not 'come naturally' that it will not happen, or that it is 'normal' for it not to happen, then we may as well throw away several millenia of culture.
Totally agree with bikerman but for several thousands of years of society and culture women have been treated horribly by men and still are in many places.
It's only recent years that times have changed for the better with less men ruled by their instincts, but the instincts will always remain because cultural rules and expectations cant change biological processes.
I treat all women with respect on an equal basis always, (I almost prefer women, I have a twin sister and we've spent all our lives comparing the differences between our sexes) but whenever i meet any new girl, or spend time with female friends, the thought of sex and if I'm attracted to her or not always pops into my head!
I never let that thought show and I've never cheated on a girl, but I have moved on sexually very very quick after splitting up, and pretty much all men I've ever met in my life have done the same.
Most men can separate love and sex much more easily than most women, and I've never met a man who hasn't agreed that - if society's rules allowed men to have sex with anyone who wanted it they wouldn't campaign against that rule!

Peace, Love n Blue Skies to all, but girls please don't think your friendships with guys are the same as with girls, they've got different challenges and always will
...that doesn't make me happy or sad though, we can't be blamed for our instincts, it's our actions that matter most!
Like all men, he is horny and he took advantage of you but became ashamed of the fact because you are, after all, his friend.
Well, as a man that has some kind of similar experience....but a litlle different, here's my take.

I met a girl....she wanted to have sex pretty quick (like second date) I didn't think it was right morally to have sex without being married, but it's pretty hard for a man to turn down sex if a woman really wants it. Basically I was weak and had sex with her. We ended up having sex for a couple years......many times afterwards I would feel bad and take off....basically felt as if I was not doing right by her or myself, or God. I tried to turn it into a friendship instead many times, and it would work pretty good for awhile, but it would only last for a couple weeks before she would decide we should have sex again and of course I'd give in. I felt pretty rotten about the whole thing and finally when she asked me what was wrong I told her everything. Of course being the smart woman she was, she then said..."well you know what would fix this right?" and then asked me to marry her. We've been married 5 years and are totally happy now. But, if a guy thinks sex might be a possibility....well it can really make him do crazy things. For example, I was 26 when I met this girl and hadn't had sex before because I didn't think it was right, so it wasn't like I was a 'normal' guy.....but even I was weak finally gave in instead of waiting for marriage as I had hoped to do, so I think the guys on here are right....we are different in this way....and not in a good way.
I'm sad to say I didn't lasted 40 days.... We talked about this many times, we always agreed about it's better to keep sex out, but we ended up as always :s

It has been like always being wrong, but too much desire between us to say no.

Ok, I failed it for the Holly week. But I remain with the same intention, to keep this frienship clean of sex.
I really do not have enough information to make a statement about your "friend" but, either this guy is a masculine nymphomaniac and a cheater (which are both characteristics I don't consider as qualities in men...) because he still sleeps with you and I dunno with how many other girls you may not even know of, or this guy is really connected sexually to you, maybe the apparent layer of a deep connection between you both, which is not friendship at all. Many people who are friends before they have sex have problems accepting that and deciding upon the real status of their relationship. maybe you both really just need to ask yourself the question if it was only sex or not. if you have deeper feelings for each other that you never handled seriously then you really have to talk about this. if not, then your abstinence is one good way to block his attempts and make him understand that you won't have sex wth him anymore. Good luck and find your own real lover ! Very Happy
awesome movie, no i would not have risked my life for a chick that i just met, im cool man, i would have said see ya! wait for the sunset..;.
the problem is not that he is man, you allowed him once, he know you wont say no. You like him as ur fren and say that you want to end the sexual thing, and now that he has got a GF and fulfil his needs, just be brave and say "No" this wont end your so called "good Frenship", but if it does the he is not your good fren... jus move on. Coz nothing is constant, But Everything Moves on.
I have to say that I still remain in my intention to have this friendship clean of sex. For someone who asked before, no, there are no romantic feelings between us, it's just sex. Ok, I like him and I know that I would accept being his girlfriend, but being honest, he isn't my type. We only ended up killing ourselves. We are so similar to stand each other.

I've failed many times (since easter indeed), but I said a big NO a month ago, I think I can repeat it again.

This will sound awful, but for him is just "safe" sex. Sex with someone who is available and who doesn't go out with anyone else. He satisfies his instinct, and that's all. For me is sex, with someone I like and care, without the need of a real relationship and the commitment it brings.

Yes, I really need someone who really cares about me.
Honestly, the only advice anyone can give you is to just say no. When he makes a move, block it, and don't give in.

What I find amazing here is that no-one really seems to be considering the girlfriend in this equation. When you sleep with him, you are facilitating his cheating on her.
Being cheated on is one of the most humilating things you can experience, and no-one should cause that paint between two people.

You aren't just saying no for you or him, you're doing it for his girlfriend - who really he needs to leave as even if he stops sleeping with you he's probably sleeping with other women too.

As for him "just being a man", that is a weak line used by people to justify having their cake and eating it too. Men are not helpless to their "instincts", I know several couples my age (17-19) together on a relatively long term basis, and the men would not even think to cheat on their girlfriends. I know countless older, married men, who only need their wives.

Certainly, men are visually stimulated creatures. They might check out a girl passing by if she has the goods on the display, and more than certainly own a fair amount of porn - but there is a huge difference between simple visual stimulus and any need for a sexual relationship.

I don't know how to make the point succinctly, but even given the freedom to have sex openly and casually with many women, my own experience would indicate that any man actually in love with his partner would still remain faithful to her. If for no better reason than he couldn't stand the idea of her being with other men.

Men may be "programmed" to "spread their seed", but only to point. In general, "they" also seem inclined to earn a worthy woman, procreate with her, and then provide for and protect her. It's the difference between the horny adolescent boy, and the man who finds love.

And for who-ever said men are incapable of plutonic relationships, I don't buy it. I have dozens upon dozens of male friends who are well and truly only friends.

Anywho, the post is getting long.

Basically, saying that you're going to remain abstinent is totally useless if you just cave in when he "needs" you. A better idea would be to cut off seeing him for a month or so, and find (an)other sexual partner(s). Or even a romantic partner.

If you still can't shake him, make him leave his girlfriend. It isn't fair to let your needs and wants crush another human being. TBH it's no great loss on her part as it's obvious he can't really love her, and the short term pain of being dumped is well worth the opportunity of finding a man who does care for her on that higher level.


=> Jess

PS: @Alaskacameradude

Men and women are capable of being equally weak, even if they perceive the sex in different ways. Take all those girls who rush underly clad to clubs on the weekend. They dress like that for a reason. Or your own situation, where despite your reservations she still pushed for it.

A lot of women still aren't open about their sexual experiences and desires, however we are just as succeptable to temptation as men. The difference is that some women will lead their lives in such a way that they never face the temptation (as for us it tends to be more emotionally/situation/story/touching based) whereas it's more difficult for a man to avoid his temptations (as men tend to be more visually based as well as all those other things).

If that makes any sense?
Bringing the girlfriend to the equation I have three things to say:

First: She is HIS girlfriend, he is the one who must be faithful with her, not me. I don't have responsibilities towards her.

Second: They are planning to marry next year, so, there's no doubt about his election in long term.

Third: I'm the one who needs to find someone else. He won't help me with this. For him it's simple just looking for me and running away after.
You have a responsibility to anyone affected by your actions. If I hand someone a gun knowing that they're going to shoot someone with it, I'm an accessory to the murder. If I sleep with a man knowing that he has a partner, then I am an accessory to her pain.

It is true that he has more of a responsibility to her, however it would be my opinion that he can't have much respect for her if he can so willingly engage in sexual behaviour with other women. Just because he's doing the wrong thing by her, doesn't mean it's okay for you to do the same thing. If I were her, I would want to know what was going on, particularly if they're planning to get married!

I mean, simply getting married means nothing. You can marry someone without ever loving them or ever really being committed to them. Certainly, the ideal of marriage is rainbows and lollypops, but that doesn't make it the reality for everyone.

I just can't fathom how can one marry someone without really knowing the circumstances of their relationship? How can he marry her keeping secrets from her, cheating on her, interested in women other than her..? Where's the committment? Where's the love? Where's the honesty? Where's the trust?

I can feel her pain when she finds out. I could never do that to somebody.

For you personally, it doesn't sound as though he has a lot of respect for you either. A man "looking for me and running away after" doesn't sound like the basis even for a friendship. To me it sounds as though he's using you.

However... I suppose it's your life, and you know the details of your circumstances better than me. I suppose you have your values, and as long as you feel comfortable with your actions (even if I wouldn't agree with them) when it comes down to it I'm just some random on the internet and you're capable of making your own decisions.

Just please do at least think about her.

=> Jess
You have good intentions, I appreciate that. But I can't be responsible for his elections. And believe me, I wouldn't like that she finds out. It'll be a disaster for all the involved.

I'm in my way to be out of this. That's what I can offer to the situation.
A disaster in the short term, that would save much suffering in the long term.

If he continues to be unfaithful, then she will become suspicious. And with suspicion comes great internal suffering.

And you're right, you aren't responsible for his actions, but you are responsible for yours. So it's really good that you're removing yourself from the equation - s'the best thing you can do.
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