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horror movie rules!!!

While practicing my super human abilities one day I felt the need to recite the rules by which one should live his or her life in order to not become the latest and greatest horror movie victim, but I couldn't remember them all.

Please post what you think should be listed amung things you should and should not do in a horror movie in order to survive. Yes, if you are really twisted you can phrase this as what you should and should not do in order to get killed in a horror movie.


Don't go upstairs alone
Do chop off your alien arm in order to keep it from killing you.

Don't sneek off alone at pool parties
Do wear colored underwear on the outside of spandex pants while fighting crime

Don't break the pattern
Do be good little frihosters and play along!!! lolz, gotcha!!

Seriously! Keep the pattern going!! one "Do" for every "Don't" means you are smart. Anyone not following the pattern is going on my list of frihost retards (oh yeah, i have one). Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Don't ever walk around without a flashlight
Do RUN when things get ugly instead of hanging around stupidly to get killed.
Aless wrote:
Don't ever walk around without a flashlight
Do RUN when things get ugly instead of hanging around stupidly to get killed.

Exclamation awesome Exclamation

congrats, you didn't make the list! Rolling Eyes
Don't go to rest stops. ever - amen. Twisted Evil
Do carry large amounts of ammo for no reason.

Don't go to small towns. you can live there, but don't go there if you don't live there. if you are moving to one... you are a goner. Never Canoe past one. ever - amen. Twisted Evil
Do leave the house. just have the car running outside!! just go.... no..... you don't have to open that door at the end of the hall.... just run.... the car is running outside ... all you have to do is turn around and walk outside... but what's that sound coming from the end of the hall... the door... just about to touch the handle... there's something in there making a tapping... sound...
JUST LEAVE ALREADY!!! make up an excuse for having enough sense to get out ALIVE!! GET IN THE RUNNING CAR AND DRIVE AWAY!! Whatever is making the tapping sound can just keep on making that tapping sound and I don't give a hoot!!
Do not go and investigate what's inside the closet.
Do stick in groups.
Don't lose your head
Do keep your head about you

Don't answer the phone
Do install caller-ID

Don't ride around in the trunk. If the trunk opens..
Do come out like a bat out of hell... don't wait for your eyes to adjust there is nothing good to see and nothing good waiting for you. Might as well stage an all out war right as the trunk opens. It is your only chance. Your eyes will adjust soon enough so you can see what you are beating down for putting you in the trunk.

Don't lean over the side of a boat
Do fish with dinamite

Don't be a jerk
Do plan your escape carefully. Your plan will work no matter how silly because bad guys never win. It's true. As long as your plan includes looking great in leather, a little dirt, a little dry blood on the corner of your mouth you are totally golden.
wow, where do i start

Do not leave your house, or in that fact, dont leave your room lol
If you are going to remain in your house, dont baracade the doors.
Remove any sharp object from your home, anything that could do you damage.

Dont read books, dont go on trains to small European towns. Id say your best bet is to become the horror instead of the victim

Call steven King, he'll have some ideas to help you out! but still, your phone line is either cut, or theres someone waiting on the line to speak to you as soon as you pick it up.

Wow, good topic! lol
ozziejim wrote:
...Wow, good topic! lol

Thanks ozziejim, you made my day. I, for one, thought that this was a good topic worth discussing. We all joke around about what to do and not do in a horror film, but there should be a rule book because there are so many.

BTW, ozziejim is too cool to be added to my list. If you don't know what the list is, or why I have it then read the topic of this thread. Definately guilty of breaking the "Don't/Do" pattern he said the magic words "Good Topic" so he was instantly forgiven. Very Happy

Thanks for the post ozziejim!!!
Don't bare your breasts
Do keep a lubed/gased chainsaw hidden in the tool shead

Don't let the chainsaw get used on you
Do get into fist fight with unarmed bad guy. they always lose those fights
Don't Let the lights go out.
Do pay your electricity bill XD
Don't have sex in a remote cabin in the woods, especially if you're at summer camp.

DO watch where you're going when you're running away so you don't trip over a tree root.
LOL, you guys are funny!!! Thanks for adding your two cents... you made my day!!!

I'm going to have to start collecting and editing these rules into the Horror Film Survival Guide (a book I should write). ;-P
Don't ever, movies do replicate,
Do shoot, without a wait.

PLEASE tell me that made no sense !!!
Don't run upstairs when you've got no means to escape up there.

When you're in a group, stay in a group. Don't split up.

When there's a serial killer about, it's not a good time to go off somewhere quiet for a quickie.

When you knock the killer out, finish the job. Don't let him to get up and give chase again. Also, don't drop your weapon near him. I mean seriously, people!

Running does no good. Horror movies work on the 'hare and tortoise' basis in that the tortoise always wins in the end. It doesn't matter how slowly the killer ambles along, he'll catch up to you no matter how fast you sprint.
The simple advice from me would be.......not to watch horror movie itself!!

On other side I would suggest:

Not to go in a lonely forest,

Always keep an inverter in your house to keep an uninterrupted power suppy.(coz darkness breeds evil forces)

Never watch the moon for too long

Stay in group, dont allow anyone of the group to go( ven for peeing!! Wink )

I'm not getting more points for now.
ankitdatashn wrote:
I'm not getting more points for now.

Not that we would want you to actually enjoy conversing with us here!! LOL, there is more to life than points...jerk! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Twisted Evil Laughing Twisted Evil Laughing Twisted Evil

Besides... you broke the pattern. your name is going on the list.

__________________ Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad __________________
don't go off alone in the woods
do carry a weapon at all times

haha i can't think of any others that no one has said yet Razz
Don't go anywhere alone.
Wear good running shoes at all times!
IceCreamTruck wrote:
Don't bare your breasts


Don't ever EVER drop the f***ing gun.

Don't go back for the b****.

You should, however, always remember that while the giant computer may not be able to physically hurt you, it can flood the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin.
Don't look under the couch. (really, what's wrong with these people?)
Do watch your back.

Don't hang out with the scientist who is conducting a cutting edge experiment with viruses on fluffy harmless animals.
Do choose your friends very carefully.

Don't drive through isolated communities with your girlfriend in a dilapidated car at night.
Do bring a toolbox and jumper cables!

Don't hang out in graveyards, abandoned hotels, or caves.
Do carry a wooden stake, and silver bullet when exploring!

Laughing Fun
riv_ wrote:
Don't look under the couch. (really, what's wrong with these people?)

Don't look under anything... this includes (but not limited to): beds, carpets, cars, trucks, mobil homes (prefab housing of any kind), schrubs/trees, trailers, desks, couches, chairs, tables... etc. With extra warning on beds, trailers, and mobil homes. Use the flame thrower first. Don't look just cook!!

Do keep going. I know you are tired, hungry, and wet but that first cabin you come to is always a situation that you don't want to get into. Just keep going and look for the next cabin or shelter. The next one is probably filled with little old ladies that are handing out hot chocolate, marchmallows, and they've already got the fire going and a chainsaw well lubed and gased up in the shed. Keep walking and stay with them instead of staying in the first cabin you come to. You'll thank me in the morning. Everyone knows that Alien, Serial Killer, Mutant, Outlaws always stay in the first cabin they come to, and they are cranky if you wake them up.

rightclickscott wrote:
IceCreamTruck wrote:
Don't bare your breasts


I would agree that altough the alternative is fun it usually gets the girl killed.

rightclickscott wrote:

Don't ever EVER drop the f***ing gun.

Glue the thing to your hand if you have to, or take a moment to wipe the oil off your hand on your shirt. He's been chasing for miles... run your hand through the grass or something to wipe whatever it is that is on your hand off before it's too late and you drop the gun!!

rightclickscott wrote:

Don't go back for the b****.

Yes..yes! there are always more fish in the sea!! LMAO!!! Remember to save your own ass!! No one else will, and it's always your last chance to get out alive. What better distraction technique then to leave the girl behind in order to make your get away. All's fair in love and surviving horror movies!

rightclickscott wrote:

You should, however, always remember that while the giant computer may not be able to physically hurt you, it can flood the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin.

This includes your desktop PC. yes, the one your are typing on now. the one you are reading this message on. Quick!!! the flame thrower...use it now!!
Don't let anyone off the bus
Do stay on the interstate

Don't wear red shirts, especially if it's a uniform
Do carry a BFG (if you dont' know type "doom bfg" into a search engine)

Don't point flashlights or video recorders at your face. You will die shortly after from complications.
Do choose a different hobbie then going into the woods to investigate scary things.

Don't go on vacation
Do stay in the boat

Don't pet large bugs
Do keep firing if it's still twitching

Don't turn to look back
Do crush robots in large industrial machines. The big red button always works in this case.

LMAO!!!! I just had another idea for a topic. Advice for mutant, alien, serial killers!! It's kind of the opposite of this topic. Instead of surviving, we could get together a rule book for axe murderers. things like ... "dont' talk, just kill" would be a great place to start!!! lol I think I'll have to start it now.
lol, this thread is kinda funny

DON'T walk/run/investigate weird sounds especially if it's coming from someplace dark and creepy
DO run away from weird sounds
Aless wrote:
Don't ever walk around without a flashlight
Do RUN when things get ugly instead of hanging around stupidly to get killed.

haha. u r rite. learn some self-defence skills
make sure you're the good looking and nice one because that makes the chances of you getting killed much smaller, you are the good guy so you have to win Smile
when you get to run away head for outside NOT upstairs or to the basement
To an English teacher who asked me if I liked horror movie, I answered : "About cinema... I'm like girls. I work by period. And sometimes, it's bloody" ^^

Was my life.
don't read latin inscriptions on found objects or written in creepy books out loud.
Thought of another one:

Don't be the only black guy. If they don't die in the first reel, they get killed at the end in some horribly ironic manner after being heroic through the rest of the film.

Do be a plucky, rebellious teenager that the sheriff just won't listen to. They always live to save the day.
OK, so I have to note that this is my favorite thread ever!!! and I created it, yes.

It makes my day to see what you guys write on this thread, and I check it often.

So here's a big shout-out to all how have posted here: You guys are awesome, funny, and totally cool. Keep up the good work!

Don't walk, bleeding, towards the first car you see on the road. It's the bad guy and he's going to run you over.
Do save the day by yourself. If you ask for help that person is doomed to die horribly moments after they "try" to help you.

Don't worry if you are a good guy or a good looking, down to earth, girl. You will survive the longest. Possibly several films in a row. If you are just cute and superficial, then you are in trouble.
Do carry safety pins, hair pins, nail files, hand-cuff keys (necklaces are nice unless you are tied behind your back), swiss knives, or other small tools for easy access when you get tied up. Also, hide them around the house at random, or just think about tying people up and where you would do it in your house and then hide them there.

Don't carry crosses, garlic, or holy water. Evil has developed an imunity these days.
Do carry chainsaws, shotguns, baseball bats... these tools never loose effectiveness and always come in handy.

This is a standalone rule: NEVER...for any reason...say you'll "be back in five minutes." This goes for "I'll be right back" and any statement starting "If I don't make it..." just leave! Don't talk, just might be your last chance to shut up and survive the film. Scientific laws are proven with less evidence to back them up, and this pretty much applies to every horror film ever made.
movie horror is genial
Here's one from The Shining:

Don't Ever Take A Winter Break In A Lodge Alone For Months At A Time With Your Family, Things Could Turn Psycho.

Very Happy

Do however make conversations with imaginary people to pass the time.
- Don't scream
- Never go alone
Keep up the good work people!!

Soon I am going to rewrite the whole thing into a small book/essay on what to do and what not to do in horror movies. Hopefully you will see copies in print some day!

Good job in making me laugh again!!
~ Don't ever walk with a stranger, he might steal your heart.
~ Never go and venture into the dark, you will not see where you are going.
Don't be a smarty pants and starts to investigate the place just because you heard a noise at the back..
Do drink enough water before running away from the serial killer..
Unless you're the guy from GTA and can just cap ass?
hofodomo01 wrote:
Unless you're the guy from GTA and can just cap ass?

Dude...there are rules! You can't just blurt something out no matter now cleaver it is. So due to the fact that a "Do/Don't" structure has been established I call foul on hofodomo01.

To the jury I state that hofodomo01 doesn't even have any good "do/don't rulez" posted yet that would give him cool points and save him from a horrible punishment. Sorry hofodomo01, but you know better than to break the rulez!!

Your punishment, hofodomo01, is to write 5 Do/Don't Horror Movie Rulez before the weekend!! You have 6 days left!
Oh BTW Props to JohnCarlo and molif on being super cool posters who do know the rulez!!!

I'll have to hook you guys up with some inside passes!! Events coming up are out of this world!!
yeah horror movies rules. I just keep thinking of what they'll be like in the future where televisions have become sooo much more complex, using more of the 5 senses. It's going to be intense! haha Smile but yeah horror movies are awesome, i can't get enough of them myself.

oh and dang icecream... you've posted like 200 times in this thread haha. Some of the posts were right after you already posted too lol, someone's trying to get their post count up Wink
Don't let any seemingly ill people live, even if they are your best friends.
Do ALWAYS keep a shotgun with a lot of ammunition with you at all times.
DONT assume something isnt evil or will help you
DO only bang the hot chicks. Very Happy
i am afraid of horror films Smile
don`t watch horrors Razz & you will not think about these things Wink
DEVLiN wrote:
i am afraid of horror films Smile

That's the point. I, myself, don't watch horror films very much because I just don't care to fill my head with pointless violence, but every now and again...sean of the dead, evil dead, scream (i.e. a good horror film) will come out and I have to go see it.

So I'm somewhere in the middle of liking horror films and not liking horror films. Prefer to not watch, but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

Just like you can't help investigating what's making that sound
Can't help sleeping with the hot chicks and making the bad guys jealous
Can't help being the hero the whole time knowing that your death is going to be the climax of the film
Can't help walking alone at night
Can't help taking vacations
Can't help driving an old rusty truck (there's one in every horror film just about)

A side note about this tread: it's awesome! and I can't wait for you guys to post more!! Keep it coming it always makes my day.

Oh by the way, DEVLiN, you are being sent to the penalty box for not observing the Don't/Do rule. If you don't know what that means it will only extend your stay in the penalty box.

Cheers!! Keep up the good work!
Don't stop the group in their tracks when running for their lives and start to complain like a little girl that the hero of the movie is leading them in circles. A monster will probably come out of no where and take your head off.

Do leave people like this behind, they just cause you more grief.


Don't molest the female character in her sleep.

Do make a dash for shore when the oil slick is distracted eating the sleeping girls face.
i think the best plan for any horror movie situation is
to get all the weapons you can find (including silver bullets
in case it's werewolves), hide in a church (just in case it's vampires),
plot an escape route (just in case it's zombies and they over power
the place and you gotta evacuate and burn it to the ground with them
in it), then you gotta get arnold shwartzy, will smith, drew barry moor
(just in case it's aliens) oh and tom cruise (in case it's the WotWars aliens
OR in case it's Emperor Galaktu leader of the scientology cult aliens)....

and then you need to get all the booze you can find -
just in case you decide yer fecked and there's no choice
but to get fecked up-----------

KronikSindrome wrote:
i think the best plan for any horror movie situation is
to get all the weapons you can find (including silver bullets
in case it's werewolves), hide in a church (just in case it's vampires),
plot an escape route (just in case it's zombies and they over power
the place and you gotta evacuate and burn it to the ground with them
in it), then you gotta get arnold shwartzy, will smith, drew barry moor
(just in case it's aliens) oh and tom cruise (in case it's the WotWars aliens
OR in case it's Emperor Galaktu leader of the scientology cult aliens)....

and then you need to get all the booze you can find -
just in case you decide yer fecked and there's no choice
but to get fecked up-----------


I like that. It's sort of the all-around plan for surviving horror films. Even an all else fails get fecked up plan...nice. Although I'm not much of a drinker I'm sure I'd have an easier time with my own desmise if I had a fifth of Jack Daniels or something.

But...word to the wise: the drunk guy always dies, so be careful here and don't inadvertently cause your own demise by drinking on the set of a horror film. The drunk is always the first to go, and I'd hate to see it be you, just know that I will use your arm to beat back the zombies if I have to.

Good job, KronikSindrome, and welcome to the club!
a.Bird wrote:
Don't stop the group in their tracks when running for their lives and start to complain like a little girl that the hero of the movie is leading them in circles. A monster will probably come out of no where and take your head off.

Do leave people like this behind, they just cause you more grief.


Don't molest the female character in her sleep.

Do make a dash for shore when the oil slick is distracted eating the sleeping girls face.

Juscurious what a match would do to a murderous oil slick?!?!?!

Hey, that makes for another addition to the book ... bring matches!

BTW, a soldier never leaves a comrad very james bond using a girl as a human shield of you, a.Bird (I have to admit I love when Bond does that)
raine dragon
If you are home alone and here a funny noise... don't go looking for it.
Don't watch the unmarked tape
Hey. This thread is a knockoff of the horror movie rules I posted on my Frihost blog. Most of the rules that you gave at first are ON MY BLOG POST!

-Nick Mad Mad Mad

The proof is in the pudding.

-Nick Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad
Polly-gone, don't fret. Do a web search on "How to Survive a Horror Movie" and see how many different results come up. Were you the first to come up with this idea?
Do NOT seperate from the group.
Do NOT venture into dark rooms.
Do NOT venture into any room where you hear noise.

Do just run out.
Do stick together in a group
Do pick up anything that can be used as a weapon
Do have a PLAN!
This post started very shorty after my blog post cam up though!


-Nick Smile Smile Smile
hahah you would use my arm to beat off the zombies?!

see, now, that is feckin awesome.

I would be honored to die first, drunk and happy, to provide an
arm or two for the zombie beatings. Wink
raine dragon wrote:
If you are home alone and here a funny noise... don't go looking for it.
Don't watch the unmarked tape

Never watch unmarked tape...that's perfect!!! I love it. that one is definately going in the book
polly-gone wrote:
Hey. This thread is a knockoff of the horror movie rules I posted on my Frihost blog. Most of the rules that you gave at first are ON MY BLOG POST!

-Nick Mad Mad Mad

Starting this tread is an original idea of mine, although none of us actually came up with the idea of "horror movie rules" but it's kindof a running joke in the horror film community.

Now I will congratulate you on a good blog idea, but we will have to agree to disagree here cause I thought of this all by myself, and didn't repost anything. Nor did I steal another else's ideas.

I even ran a search for the idea before I started to make sure no one else was doing it. Too bad I didn't find your blog as I would have been happy to add to that at the time I create this.

Now this tread is it's own moster, and there appears to be no stopping us from discovering here what it will take to be a survior.

Apparently there is no market for the flip side of this coin. "How to be a better serial killer" -- the idea died pretty much right after I launched it.

I thought ideas like "don't give a speach, just kill everyone" was funny, but I guess no one else does. There must be a shortage of good super villians in the world.
KronikSindrome wrote:
hahah you would use my arm to beat off the zombies?!

see, now, that is feckin awesome.

I would be honored to die first, drunk and happy, to provide an
arm or two for the zombie beatings. Wink

See this is the spirit we are going for, but self sacrifice won't do. Self sacrifice is the surrest way to die in a horror film. Anyone who says "ok, I'll hold the door while you make a run for it" is going to die in a matter of seconds.

So, although I appriciate you donating limbs to the science of beating zombies and I think that is super funny...alas I must digress to the purpose of this thread and that is helping people survive.

Although you are a helpful person you will most certainly die in the next horror film that you sumble into. My advice: read this thread thuroughly, and buy a shot gun, lots of ammo, and now... don't watch unmarked tapes (or tapes with a "O" on them). I also recomend locking yourself in a vault if you are going to be drinking, cause everyone knows that the drunk guy dies first, and it's usually a horrible death of some kind.

I will continue my efforts to stop this from happening!! But if it does I'll remember that you're ok with my taking your arms to use as clubs. Which in the event I actually had to use an arm to beat off zombies...well, any arm will do, but I'll look for yours so that you will have the honnor of at least helping us survive.

Gosh this thread is so funny to me!!
Zuex wrote:
Do NOT seperate from the group.
Do NOT venture into dark rooms.
Do NOT venture into any room where you hear noise.

Do just run out.
Do stick together in a group
Do pick up anything that can be used as a weapon
Do have a PLAN!

Plans only work for the Scooby Doo kids. Usually good ideas get foiled or messed up in good horror films, and the person that comes up with the plan usually dies in some super horrible mannor.

only the innocent survive. So be good for goodness sake! If you've seen it all, and done it all, then you might just become horror movie fodder. Lack of innocense is a killer in these situations.

Yeah!! We made it to the third page!! Keep up the good work people!

I wonder if everyone keeps lighting on the "scary sounds" issue as a reflection of the fact that is one of the only human senses that a movie can give you to make you wonder what's going on. If you only hear some strange sound in a movie, then you are instantly scared because of what it could be!! Once you find out what was making the noise it's usually a releaf because imagination gets turned off at the point that you no longer have to wonder what's making that sound.

I guess what I am saying is...are we going to be able to smell the killer someday? Are sounds used to scare us often now because it's one of two senses that movies appeal to (the other is visual)? Sound being used more often in this case because it's harder to make someone wonder what something is if they can see it. They take this angle sometimes in zombie movies where you see someone from behind, but their head is leaning to one side, and you can see drops of blood on their clothes. THEN THEY TURN AROUND AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....IT'S A ZOMBIE!!

What if the seats in the audience were fitted with a hand to grab them durring the movie. Now that would be fun too!! But it's really all just a sign of the times. One day movies will be completely interactive...kind of like the holodeck on the star ship Enterprize. You walk in and become a part of the movie in progress. Then you'd be able to smell the killer as he's been hanging out in dark, wet places covered in blood and he hasn't showered in a week! That would smell gross. Actually I think I draw the line there. I don't want to smell that. Mr. Green Embarassed Silenced

If it's that interactive it's time to watch CSI or something more involving like a mystery. Horror films wouldn't be that fun if you really have to run away from the killer all night long.

I'm just glad that under the current technology horror films are great to take a date to especially if you want to snuggle up to the girl next to you. Just throw an arm around her as the tention builds in the movie and everything will be ok. Don't hold hands as she will squeeze the crap out of your hand.
Don't choose the scariest moment of the movie to make your move as she will deck you. It's tricky but i'm sure you fellas are getting the hang of it. Girls too! You think we don't know that it's all in your plan to begin with.
Did this topic finally die?

I have really had a fun time reading everyone's comments here, so I'm back to try and keep this topic going.

I'm affraid that it will get pruned out of the forums forever!!!

Please donate a moment of your time to post some new Horror Movie Rulez!!! PLEASE!!!!
Don't go to an island with a group of friends.
Don't enter a house which looks creepy.
Don't watch tv if water comes out of it.
Don't just run away from ghosts. Try to fight back.

I cannot think of anything else but that was fun Laughing
I love it!! But... where are all the do's? Don't/Do, Don't/Do, Don't/Do

Don't wash your pants
Do wash your shirt

Don't eat apples
Do eat bananas

You gotta be supportive with every one too!! HAHA, despite the fact that there was an obvious oversight of the rules I am a fan!! Great Stuff.

ashish2005 wrote:

Don't go to an island with a group of friends.

Do bring extra tanks of oxigen and a rifle (JAWS) with you if you do!!

ashish2005 wrote:

Don't enter a house which looks creepy.

Do send in the drunk guy first if you absolutely must go in.

ashish2005 wrote:

Don't watch tv if water comes out of it.

Do replace this one. Right away!!

ashish2005 wrote:

Don't just run away from ghosts. Try to fight back.

OH! You almost had it...
"Don't just run away from ghosts." ...DO... "try to fight back."

ashish2005 wrote:

I cannot think of anything else but that was fun

See, it is a lot of fun!!! Keep it up!

I'd like to write a book on this joke...but I'll have to find the time.
BTW, I just gathered up all the submitted rules (so far) into one document and it's 245 lines long!! It hasn't been edited yet, and it will end up being much shorter, but I wanted you guys to know that we have compiled quite a list of survival rules! Good job!

OK, so here's the plan... What I want to do is edit this list into the "Don't/Do Book of Horror Movie Rules", and I plan on giving each of you credit for your contributions!!

I will repost in my chat the edited version of all the rules, and I'm also going to be creating a series of pages that link through this list. Edit: here is the link

So, I can't wait to show you all the finished product!
do watch horror movies nekid!
It's true that the scenario of horror movies are always the same.... it's so funny Very Happy
gr8inferno wrote:
do watch horror movies nekid!

Although it seems like fun to me are likely to get killed if you get naked. Horror movies seem to like killing off people right after they show us their birthday suits.

ptfrances wrote:
It's true that the scenario of horror movies are always the same.... it's so funny Laughing

Hense, the popularity of a Horror Movie survival guide. Never leave home without it...and sure don't enter a movie theater Exclamation

BTW, they aren't all the same. Every now and again there is a movie that rewrites the "usual" horror movie script, and does something completely different to scare us...Blair Witch Project for instance. Then there are some that stick to the formula for horror films...Scream, I know what you did last summer, Jason Vs. Freddy. I avoid the "forumla" movies and go for originality, myself.
DON'T play with that puzzle box.
1, 2, Freddy's Coming For You

3, 4, Better Lock Your Door

5, 6, Grab A Crucifix

7, 8, Better Stay Up Late

9, 10, Never Sleep Again
Horror movie poetry! Lmao...funny!

Hey, I had an idea and I need your my goal is the illustrate these horror movie rules. I think it would be a blast.

You guys will have to find a place to put your sketches up online, but that's what this is...a call to sketch artist to put something together for the "unedited list" of horror movie rules.

Some basic sketches would be great and I do mean BASIC. If you were to directly considder the don't/do pattern and draw one, then your sketch might not fit when i rearrange things from the unedited text. So, I'm just asking for some funny horror movie sceens that could be included to illustrate this list.

Yes, I will focus on editing this list, so that you guys can draw sketches for the final draft, but I just have to find the time, so be patient.


PS. some edited public plack type signs would be a guy running up the stairs with a "X" through it...saying basicly "don't run up stairs" or like this "Don't Go to the Bathroom on the Floor"
Twisted Evil
These images are kindof what I was talking about!! Although we need some for movie bad no killing with an axe, no puzzle-boxes/video tapes

Great fun!

Like put this one in a Red circle with a cross-out

put this one in a green circle (like don't watch unmarked tape one)

Don't let someone sneak up behind you when you watch television!
gr8inferno wrote:
do watch horror movies nekid!

do you have special ceremonies while you are watching horror movies? Smile
This is rather funny. Try these on for size:

Don't forget to charge your cell phone
Do get Verizon or ATT so if they "Can't hear you now?" at least you will have 5 bars.

Don't open the front door and the house says "GET OUT!" and you stay.
Do get the F!@# out!

Don't continue into the dark room/basement/attic or wherever you are if the lights don't work.
Do use the Clapper. "Clap on!" "Clap off!"

Don't be within arms, tentacles, claws, paws, legs, tongues or bites reach of anything that can be broken or smashed through, because you will end up on the "Not appearing" in the sequel list.
Do stand ready just outside of said reach in order to beat the sh@# out of said baddie, because you may not get another chance.

Don't tell your hurt friend that you will be back for him.
Do tell his parents that he died saving your life with a straight face.

Someone else mentioned don’t be the only Black guy in the film.
Do be the creepy/crazy/weird old hermit-like guy no trusts or believes because the old guy always knows the truth and how to kill whatever it is.

Don't wait to see why everyone else is running and screaming.
Do run and ask questions later.

Don't be slowest one running.
Do be at least the second slowest one running.
This is really a good one!

Do not look under the bed.

Keep appliances away from the bath.

Unhinge all the doors from their doorposts, including the front door.

Throw all the mirrors away.

Get rid of all the crockery, cutlery, pots, pans, appliances in the kitchen.

Remove the gas bottles.

Have the electricity cut off and use candles only.

Keep a few crosses around and holy water.

Call a priest who specializes in these things. Smile

Wear white only.

Wear running shoes.
When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.

If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or f all down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".

Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.

When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.

Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are
either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or
will not believe you and laugh at you.
Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways because you are inferior to them.

If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other than death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as this own.

If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.

When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.

When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)

If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding- psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.

If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.

If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.

If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.

If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster.

Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

DO NOT go into the dark room.

If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.

While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.

Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.

If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is . LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!

Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

Your dog can take care of itself...

So can your spouse...

And your kids.

Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.

Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.

Your plan takes into account all possible situations... except for the one that actually occurs.

Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.

When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head.

Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a succesful demon/devil/monster summoning.

People driven by veangance always die.

Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed.

Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.

Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.

Feel no guilt.

If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse or significant other.

If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.

If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.

If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you.

If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)

If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!

If you are a bad dog, you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.

If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.

If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).

If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.

Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster.

If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive.

A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.

When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.

ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.

ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!

Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe... and if you're really lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).

If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he's coming after you some time or another. Go into seclusion very very far away.

If you set the monster on fire, or he is set on fire, he will not die but instead try and fight you while he is on fire.

If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at all costs (even if it is your spouse or child).

A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!" run like hell.

Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn...

Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.

Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waiting right there for you.

Never open strange cannisters, especially not if they're government owned.

Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a REAL bad idea.

Never meddle in God's domain.

Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe.

If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by.

If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town.

Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind.

If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out those annoying friends of yours with you.

Don't work the night shift.

Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned.

Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc...)

If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)

If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make sure that the monster's location is not well known. (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.)

Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)

Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms. As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test.

Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.

Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you.

Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pun'kinhead.

Stay on the Interstate.

If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you.

If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.

If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog. Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are on their own.

Any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back. And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is.

Whenever someone warn's you not to go up, down, under or over there, whatever you do, don't go! (They are only trying to save you from a most certain and Horrible death)

Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night.

Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets. Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait.

If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water. also, don't swim at night, especially when alone.

If you are female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a shower.

If you really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.

When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that's when you RUN AWAY!!

Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are. They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds.

Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town.

Don't volunteer to go for help !

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

Don't get locked in any building or business after hours.

Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously.

If you discover any odd scars, wounds, tattoos, or other irritations on your body---you are a goner!!!!!

Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies.

If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or other nasty, make darn sure it is a coincidence. Otherwise, get a new identity. In any case, you will probably become it's new incarnation.

NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.

Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or go psycho.

All myths and legends have a basis in fact...

If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures.

On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up...

Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating.

If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another room or outside your window, don't assume it's just the house settling or the wind.

If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious sound and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs. He's probably already dead.

If you value your life, stay a virgin.

Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.

Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. (This must cause something real, real bad because no one ever tries it.)

If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head with a silverbullet - AT ONCE!

When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on.

OR... When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.

All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.)

Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.

Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.

Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the way that she was.

Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised.

Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house. Unless your Bill Gates.

Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.

Don't eat food supplements, health food or yogurt. Its not as good for you as you think.

When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in Gene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O of the Corporation.

Avoid men in black.

Also avoid men with pointy teeth.

Natch facial hair.

Also people with pale complexion who moan and sway.

When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home.

If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later.

NEVER ever pick up hitch hickers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in texas.

NEVER start crying/whinning when the monster or villan has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villian does not really give a damn about your life anyway.

Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.

If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.

If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend."

Fnd a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road.

When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map.

If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must
Be a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens
Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.
Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters
If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here.
Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.
Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot.
Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.

Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.

If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast. Intergallactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet.

Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and freckles, lose him. Especiallly if he spends a lot of time looking at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow.

When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there!

Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right!

When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man carrying eyballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back in the car and go back in the direction you came from.

If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are.

If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead too.

If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.

When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't!

Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

Never be funnier than the main character.

Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.

NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.

If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan).

Never walk backwards!

If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T!

Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.

If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some.

Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break.

If, at any point, you are running from a monster/ villian in a car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run off the road, do a U-Turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and will catch up.

If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a hachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villian. He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed.

When going down the basement stairs, (You will... you ARE in a horror film, right?) always send your little brother/ sister/grandpa/grandma down first; this'll tell you if something's hiding under the steps.

If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with the serial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later on in the film. This is guaranteed.

Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable.

If you are running desperately away from a big boogy monster in the woods.
He's going to pop up in front of you
You're going to trip on something and end up on your butt just before something cleaves your head from your shoulders...
You're going to die anyhow... so why not try running backwards.

If the Damm power suddenly shuts off. Don't go try to fix the generator.

Learn Karate, least no one has tried to roundkick Jason yet...

Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out.

If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare the living bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to be killed the instant you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead.

If you plan to lose your virginity at summer camp or while a psycho killer is on the loose, well, at least you'll die happy.

If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately. Do not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc... Its a trick, just kill them.

Kill everyone you see. If one is posessed, assume all are posessed. Its easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will only slow you down anyways. Kill them all and let God sort them out. If he's as perfect as we believe, he'll forgive you.

Don't be a lurker. Lurkers creep in the shadows, watching people make out. They are always the first to go.

No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping.

When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are cut.

If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON'T stand near the door!

Never buy your kids a doll that talks.

NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal.

Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "Maguyver".

When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.

If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds.

Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come.

If somebody tells you he's from the future, believe him unquestionably.

Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it.

Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point.

Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will.

If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place.

Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.

After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder victim found drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY!

In archaology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore.

Don't succomb to peer pressure, even when they're passing around the bottle. Remember, Just Say No to human blood.

Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of your new home before you move in. It'll just save you aggrevation in the long run.

Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth.

If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill hamsters, scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR GARDEN PESTS!

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

Don't open the door.

The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.

Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs, making fun of the hero/heroine, etc...)

Never go off by yourself to sulk.

The monster will never attack until you are aware of it. Often, it will even wait for you to become scared of it.

If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a lot of pain.

Never attempt to investigate the horror stories of a small town, no matter how certain you are that they are false. They are true and you will die if you go.

Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".

Curiosity kills.

Don't take off any clothes.

If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave.

Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster, they won't believe you anyway.

Don't buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won't do what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING.

Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyways, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones.

If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's coming from the next room.

If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian zombie film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What the heck, you're lunch no matter what happens.

Never pretend to be or make fun of the local "deceased" or "imprisoned" psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first.

If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die.

If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run. Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on.

The monster is never dead until everyone else is!

If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen. The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.

Don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alone always gets either killed or possessed.

If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that you are safe inside, listen to him. The demons, zombies, psychos, etc. always get inside because of the guy who thinks he knows what he is doing. Stop him at all costs.

If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead.

If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main character survives.

When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to choke the hero, kill him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall you and act human, but he isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill him.

When you hear scary music run the other direction!

Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.

If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp teeth and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your whole city, don't look at it in awe and try to shake hands with it.

If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra- corrosive slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face.

Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood.

If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town, leave immediately.

Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanant psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but didn't know it). Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire will sneak up on you.

Don't ever wear a badge. You will definatly die within ten minutes.

Choose your friends and relatives wisely.
Good choices:
chaste teenage girls
any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above)
good dogs
younger assistants to world-famous scientists.
Bad choices:
security guards
law-enforcement and other municipal officials
executives of companies with questionable environmental/ scientific practices
psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology
obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls
and of course promiscuous teenage girls.

No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it it can appear anywhere.

If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/ dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster.

If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss, don't go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the monster will follow your trail and kill your girlfriend too.

Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away...

If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone in that room, leave the house ASAP.

If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't use it because before you cross the bridge, it will fall or be demolish by an evil spirit.

If someone screams "None of you know whats really going on here", listen to them.

If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it.

If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.

It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is going to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first.

The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good new is he'll also be the first to die.

If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.

If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.

When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will you.

Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.

Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how much the creepy owner offers to take off the price.

Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so be quick and keep your eyes closed.

Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your dead child, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains the remains of some strange animal.

If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89% chance your flybait!

Try to avoid going into fruitcellars of old abandoned cabins.

If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either!

Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.

If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it.

Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other. If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you.

Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat...

Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and run away as fast as possible.

If you ever find yourself in a area with a lot of flesh eating zombies, and there are crazy, living people wanting to make a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them than you. But if the zombies come after you shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all else fails, run like hell away from them.

Don't cut up the living dead. The parts will still come after you.

Don't go back for a friend, he's a goner.

Never, ever use a ouija board alone!! If you do use a board by yourself, Do Not use it in a house that was occupied by an ax murderer.

Never, never, never go by yourself to investigate a strange noise coming from the:
any dark room
without a full company of the National Guard.

If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
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