Ok, here's my situation: (any and all advice would be greatly appreciated)
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year as of Dec. 7. He constantly says things like "I want to wake up to you every morning" and things like that. He says he's going crazy without me (we haven't seen each other in two months) and sometimes he drops hints on the things he's going to do.
here's my problem: his hints aren't predictable.
He's been hinting at the fact that he wants to marry me for four months or so... and hasn't said anything else other than hinting. He's taken me by jewelry counters and asked what I liked. He's had me try things on that he liked. He asks what colors I want, who'll be in it, etc... I find that I'm planning a wedding that I wasn't asked to attend!
I understand that he is in a HUGE financial bind right now. But if he knows he can't pop the question because of financial difficulties or insecurities, why does he hint at it?
This is all well and good for daydreaming, but... in all reality... what is going through his head? and how should I be reacting to this? I caught myself walking through a bridal store, and he hasn't actually asked me yet!
... help? please?
I think you should be happy... I am a guy, in a similar situation. We discuss how the wedding would be, music etc, yet we know we wont for a bit while longer. It may just excite him thinking of such a prospect. Maybe you should bring up the topic subtlely, about when you think he'd be ready, or you think you should move in together first etc, indirectly asking him what his timeline is like...
Dunno if that sheds any insight.
it helps somewhat, thank you.
but I haven't found a tactful way of asking what his timeline is, either. I mean, it excites me too but if we're talking a year or more then planning it out now takes all the magic out of it later.
but you dont need to necessarily plan, more so through out ideas. Makes it interesting for me to see what we agree on and what we dont. We WONT shove cake in each others faces etc... Where we would get married.. I guess on the verge of fantasizing? I dont know how to explain clearly enough. Regarding timeline, you have to probe with other questions. Do you plan on living together first? If so when will that occur. Are you in school, if so will you wait till you graduate? What season you prefer? All ways to seek out information to see a potential timeline, and also to help you see how well thought out this plan is...
In my opinion there is no real tactiful way you are going to get the information out of him. But if you do try make sure it is durring one of the times where he is trying to give these "hints" but try not to be blunt.
Best of luck,
Thank you. I appreciate the help.
I got to see him during Christmas and he hinted AGAIN... asked him what his timeline was and he didn't answer me.
well... that's not exactly a lot of information. let me elaborate.
I asked him how we wanted to do things - should we move in together first? he said "if the situation warrants." I asked him other questions like that... and he kept giving me fluff answers instead of real information. I am so confused right now...
but at the same time he wanted to know if I had picked out a dress, and when I told him yes, he wanted -all- the details. color, length, train, design details... the works. and then he asked if I had bought the shoes to go with said dress yet. -.-
pluh? my brain is fried... x.x
but thank you all for your help.
May be he is a proactive person (Proactive: taking the initiative by acting rather than reacting to events) or trying to have a good anticipation of how things will go (anticipate: to imagine or consider something before it happens and make any necessary preparations or changes)
Is this is his general nature and way of thinking?
If you answer 'Yes' to this question, then there's nothing that you can do. But if you answer 'NO', then at least you know he's serious about it and trying to set everything in place.
This type of personality is usually afraid of taking steps and moving forward. They are perfect at planning and anticipating the future, but when it is time of execution of their plans, they freeze. You may need to encourage him as it was clear when you told him about choosing a dress.
For the future and if you get married, you won't want to surprise him with unexpected actions. Just tell him about what you are intending to do. Believe it or not, he'll always have a good idea or a better plan to do things as he's good at anticipation and fantasizing.
The reason he is hinting everything, in case your answer of the previous question was No, that he is not sure about anything yet. He can't say anything frankly unless he is ready. He wants a perfect wedding but yet he has no enough money for it (for example).
Hope I helped.
Thank you for that. It helped a lot...
Well, i'm not all that sure how to answer your first question. After giving it much thought, the only answer I can give is "sometimes" and "it depends on the subject."
He's that way when it comes to, say, moving out. He makes all kinds of plans that look good on paper, sound terrific, and would actually -work- ... but he's too scared to move out of his parent's house.
Though, when it comes to a girl stalking him, he didn't make any plans. instead, he just confronted her and said "Back the F*** off, i'm taken and my girlfriend will kick your @$$ if you don't. This is me asking -nicely- so, don't make me get mean."
... and he wasn't lying. I can snap this stalker chick in half. muahahaha. >:3
Do you want to marry him?
*smiles sweetly* more than the air I breathe, hun. and he already knows what kind of answer I'll give him too.
Good grief, I dream about this man every other night... about the past things we've done, what the future -could- hold for us... etc etc...
OH! update: I found out a little more. He told me that when he -does- get up the nerve to pop the question, we're going to be in a packed resteraunt in formal-ish clothes.
Thing is, I finally snapped and asked him when he thought this was going to happen. He said he didn't know, and I told him "Look. I love the idea of hinting and daydreaming and everything, but really. if this wedding isn't going to be for a few years like I think it's going to be, you need to stop. I love you, you know I do. but this just... I feel like i'm planning a wedding I wasn't even invited to, and that hurts."
He apologized and finally told me when he feels the best time would be - in our thirties.
O_O eh? He and I are both 21, and I know that's young. but does that make sense to any of you...? Nine years...? I already know i'm sticking with him for those nine years, but I would like any and all oppinions that come my way.
Sounds to me like he's got some commitment issues. I mean...if he absolutely knows he wants to marry you, and knows that you will say yes, there's no reason to wait. You may be sort of young (though really, 21 isn't that young for marriage these days) but even so, why on earth wait so long? Lots of people propose when they *know* that's what they want, even if they know the wedding has to wait a year or more (for whatever reason.) But 9 years is absolutely ridiculous. Financially speaking, there's no reason you can't save up money within a year or two, especially when you both *know* it's what you want. It sounds like he really likes the idea of the two of you getting married, but is actually a little scared of the reality of such a thing. This generally points to issues with commitment. The fact that you're even willing to wait 9 years for such a thing shows how much you like this guy. For a *lot* of women that would be a deal breaker. No matter how wonderful the guy.
Do you both want to wait that long to have kids?? I mean, would you even want to have kids before marriage (not that there's anything wrong with that...but it just seems a little backwards.) Usually such situations are accidental. Often in those instances, the kids are the reason for marriage shortly after. Anyway, I digress...but it sounds to me like the two of you really need to open up the communication on this issue. There is nothing better for a relationship than honest, open communication. Tell him very frankly, what you want from him and ask him to do the same. You might find you both want the same thing, you might find there are different ideas there. Either way, unless you do so, the two of you will be having a blind relationship...not really knowing where you're going or how you're going to get there. Did he even say why he wants to wait so long? I mean...I would think that'd be of great importance. There has to be a reason, and it had better be a damn good one if he really expects you to wait around so long for him. I mean, what happens when you wait 9 years and he changes his mind? You'll feel quite used if that ever were to happen. And you'll regret losing those precious 9 years when you could've been searching for someone who really did want to marry you.
Anyway...just my thoughts. I hope for the best for both of you, and I hope you guys get it all sorted out so that you both are on the same page and both are happy with whatever you decide to do.
Thank you so much for your insights, Satori. <3
Well, the thing is, though we are both the same age, he is a bit less mature than I am at the moment. For example, I have never lived on my own and had to worry about rent, utility bills, etc. He has, and yet he wasn't able to budget his money enough to get the bills paid on time... he would always default on one of them and they'd go after his mother. ><;;
Right now, he wants to be mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for this... and I don't blame him, I want this so bad I can taste it but at the same time the prospect sort of frightens me.
For one, like I said, I haven't lived on my own before. That means I haven't kept up with the dishes, cleaning, laundry, etc. I lived in a college dorm, but i'm not counting that and here's why: My rent and utility bills were included in my tuition, and every other weekend I would drive home and my mom would demand my laundry from me. ><;;
I'm taking more responsibility - doing the dishes and my own laundry. So, I sort of understand where he's coming from - he's not mature enough to handle his own money, so what makes me think I can trust him with mine at this point in time? (I understand the thought of seperate finances, and I want that... but if we're splitting all the bills then I need to be able to count on him for that other half.) Also, he says he's scared he wont be able to provide enough for me.
... 'scuse me? I can work... (Though that is a sweet thought on his part. <3)
and honestly, I don't see why that stuff would take nine years, but that's what he thinks it'll take. it *almost* was a dealbreaker when he told me. Almost. and I told him to give me my space for a week, and he did... and I figured out that, if I broke this off, I would be miserable without him. I don't think there's anybody else on this earth like him. <333
hm. and as far as kids before marriage... I hope not. o.O; that would be a dissaster. O.o;; I want kids. I do. but I want marriage first, and he knows it. (We've had a scare once, and he didn't run out either... so if i did wind up knocked up, I know he'd stay by me. but, the dissaster thing is on our parents - we would both be dissowned, and he would find himself without a place to live. We don't want that.)
We are as honest with each other as humanly possible... heck, he knows everything that I know. I just... I just wish he would tell me why he wants to wait that long! the things he is telling me don't make sense! and I don't know how to bring it up. I get to see him on the 30th and 31st.
another thing: my parents don't want him at my house because he hogs the computer without any concept of time. and, his parents don't want me at his house because they are just -so- afraid that a grandchild will enter the picture pre-marriage. o.O;; we live two hours away from each other. When I go to see him, his mother will be chaparoning us the ENTIRE TIME. how in the world do I bring this up? she's not going to give. I've tried everything in my power, and the only time she will let me spend with her precious little boy is when she's around as well. Perhaps there's something I can do to make my parents budge? i'm too nervous that they'll do something wierd...
OH! I remember something about he wanted to get married on the date his grandparents were married on - exact day, month, and last didget of the year. erm, that's kinda superstitious, and I've said so, but he says he wants it that way so we can have a long marriage like his grandparents. (Working on year 68.) honestly, my grandparents have been on year 75 for 8 months now, worning on 76. why not use their date, going by his logic? I've brought it up and he wasn't comfortable with it.
... ... ...
yeah. Uhm, he wants one child - a boy. I want anywhere between two to four, at least one of each gender, and whatever God graces us with after that I'll willingly take. He only wants the one child so he can A) carry on his name, B) be able to afford everything (WTF?) and C) put another Jeffery H. in the world.
Uhm, I can see A. B is just insane, and C is meh.
*grins evily* I'm halfway tempted to ask him to take -my- name. *giggles* tempted. not going to be silly enough to ask that of him.
and... that... that last part... is actually my biggest fear at this point. Because we rarely see each other, we always talk on the phone... and there are plenty of whor*cough* in that area. I trust him, but what if he's looking and I don't know it? is there a way to tell? I asked him once and he got all offended. I keep my eyes, hands, and thoughts to myself, for him. I would jump through flaming hoops while doused with gasoline for this man. and he's claimed he would do the same. but I have trust issues... (He cheated on his then GF for me when I met him. they broke up, now we're together.) This does not bode well...
wow. that's a lot to take in. I hope he figures himself out soon. He'll regret missing this much of you the longest time will allow.
in all honesty that "married on the same month day and year as his grandparents" thing is a little weird. If you wait 9 years, that's 9 years of marrige you havn't had the time to enjoy. it could be the 9 years that bumps 68 up to 77.
ya'lls parents sound weird too... it seems like the best kids in this world come from the weridest parents in this world.
but maybe I'm just werid......
Are you ready to get married right now?
Yes, I would love to marry him as soon as I get myself in the right position.
I will admit that I am not as responsible as I'd like to be going into this thing. I am more apt to live in the moment rather than laying out a roadmap for the day, and so things don't get done. For example, my room. I've been "planning" to clean it for a good two weeks now, but haven't gotten around to it because I haven't 'felt like it' ... and that's not the kind of wife he deserves.
As far as the month/day/year thing, i'm fixing to call him on it, because when I saw him last he asked about the possibility of moving it closer. Which excites me, but if he wants to move it closer, then something doesn't mesh with what he was telling me earlier.
Hm, and as far as our parents being wierd... hahahahaha! xD! you couldn't be more right. :p
-my- mom... I swear to high heaven she's bipolar, and it's rubbed off on me. o.O; she is a -very- moody lady, which is why he can't come over to our house in the first place! she's so moody about everything that she blows it all out of proportion.
-my- dad is cool. He is the most sane... but, considering he walks around work and looks for engines to put his head in, I'm not so sure he's that sane at all. o.o
-his- dad is off his rocker. He drinks all the time, and swears up and down he's really wise. He also swears up and down, while he's drunk, that he can see things before they happen in his dreams. I highly doubt it. Plus, he kept wanting to jump a 4-wheeler over three or four full-sized cars. CARS. that's not including the truck somebody drove to that particular occasion.
-his- mother is... well... she's the worry wart. Most responsible of the group, but I think she hates me. She's the reason I can't come over to his house, because she's just -that- afraid that a grandchild will enter the picture. She's also the one manipulating everything about his life... she decides when and how he'll spend his cash, what he does around the house at what time, etc.
heh... doctors think I can't have kids because of my weight (bs, but anyway) plus birth control, plus condoms. what the heck is there to be afraid of?!
And, before anybody says anything, he does -not- like his mother doing all of this to him. that's why i'm trying to coax him out of that situation, but he's too afraid to because he's scared he'll fail again and have to come back home. (I keep hearing ten thousand times a day that he's the typical 'mama's boy' and I should dump asap. not happening, because he's not that type, but thanks for the concern.)
I just took a second job. I am going to claw my way out of my parent's house and get my own appartment... we talked about the possibility of him moving up here when I get an appartment, and he said he'd consider it when it happens. *grins* oh, it's about to happen.
but yeah... anybody else find that kinda odd? He says he believes I can do it, but when I posed the question about him entering the picture it went from that to an 'i'll believe it when I see it' mentality. o.o
Wow...umm, I don't think either of you are ready for marriage. Personally, I would never marry someone I'd never lived with. Trust me on this one, you learn *A LOT* about yourself when you live with someone for some time. You learn how you deal with conflict, and you learn if it's really feasible for you to live with that person for the rest of your life. Think about this seriously...because the last thing you want to do is marry someone only to discover you can't stand living in the same house as them.
Also, there are a lot of things about your BF that I would personally see as big red flags.
- Not being able to pay bills...red flag!
- Getting married on the same date as his grandparents? Really weird...and possibly a cover up...red flag!
- He got offended when you asked an honest question pertaining to trust in your relationship...red flag!
- He cheated on his last GF with you...BIG red flag!
- His dad's a drunk...red flag!
- His mom's controlling...red flag! (where do we all learn how relationships work?? From our parents!)
- He isn't comfortable with the idea of you having your own place and him living there...red flag!
"We are as honest with each other as humanly possible"
"I just wish he would tell me why he wants to wait that long!"
"what if he's looking and I don't know it?"
"I asked him once and he got all offended."
"I keep my eyes, hands, and thoughts to myself, for him."
None of those things support your claim of honesty. Honesty is being truthful and upfront with each other. If he were being honest with you, he would tell you why he felt the need to wait so long. If he were being honest with you, he wouldn't get offended when you asked him a simple question...rather he would answer it with a simple answer. If you were being honest with him, you wouldn't keep your thoughts to yourself...especially ones that pertain to the integrity of your relationship with him.
"He only wants the one child so he can ... B) be able to afford everything (WTF?) ..."
"B is just insane"
You obviously have NO idea how much children cost. Here you are telling us that he can't even pay his bills, yet you can't understand why he's worried about being able to afford a child. Children are *expensive* !! You admit that you are "more apt to live in the moment" and that you aren't very good at planning, but you've decided you want 3 or 4 children without thinking at all about how to pay for them. It's these sorts of decisions that sooooo many people make without any thought that have brought soooo many unfortunate, impoverished children into this world.
For the sake of your children and the rest of the world, PLEASE do not bring any children into this world until you KNOW without a doubt that you can support them for at least 18 years. Where will the hundreds of thousands of dollars per child come from that they will eat up in those 18 years?
THINK about it!
It is not wise to jump into a marriage...and the more information you divulge, the more it seems that's exactly what you're intending to do. If the two of you are meant to be together, then it WILL be. Don't rush it! You have your entire life to spend together...make absolutely sure that you're both ready AND able to commit to such an endeavor.
... guess you're right. He's only using me for anything and everything I have. and it never was love on his end.
... ... hearing that ripped my heart out... ... I don't want anything to do with this particular emotion anymore. this is the hundredth time i've been hurt. i'm done.
somebody close this topic then, please? it's nothing but absolutely stupid and moronic.