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I love her, she loves most everything about me...But doesn't





Mannix
Well...

I've known this gal for 7 years. We're both Christian, we're both engineers. We have many common interests. (Including spiritual matters and financial management - science, nature, outdoors activities, etc.) I told her last night, having waited for a very long time, that if she feels anything towards me, she needs to be sure and tell me. ...As I really have no option but to lower my standard. I have waited for years in hopes that this girl of my dreams might see what is here. We are friends, good friends, but alas, that's all she wants. ...It's both killing and nuturing me. ...Really messed up.

She basically told me that she loves a clone (pretty much) of me who's basically only different from me by his anger and love of console games! ...And it's the anger thing that keeps her at bay. ...Which is really frustrating, lemme tell you. So she's basically in love with a guy who's me. ...But not me. She respects me, sees it all there, but doesn't want to date. Why? Well I don't blame her. She says she doesn't want to hurt me. She doesn't actually have that affection; and while she could... ...possibly even marry, she doesn't feel love there, and it would be wrong. (Right now, I'd be happy just to date, but she's fearful of the emotional impact.)

I don't blame her. I do love her. However, I really just don't understand. Everything is there. ...Almost. We compliment each other well, except for this VITAL matter. Is there something I should do? Or is it time to just give it up? I believe the guy she's interested in is absolutely the wrong guy for her. ...Even though he's one of my friends. It's really kind of rough. Advice would be welcome. This gal is one of the extreme few I would consider marrying, and really the forerunner. ...But at the same time, if there's nothing there.... ...Then what is there?

Goodness knows I wouldn't want to marry a girl who doesn't love me. ...But at the same time... What if she does? What if she's just excusing things so she doesn't have to "grow up"...?
Flarkis
Ok completly unrelated but what type of engineer are you? I'm working on a Engineering Physics degree right now.

Now true the problem though you may think that this other person is like a clone of you even the slightest thing can make an impact on a personality. Also the fact may be that this person just does see you as a friend and there is nothing you can do about it. Hope this helps.

Markus
slasonic
Reaction under stress shows the quality of ones mind better than anything.

If it's getting angry, quiet, smoking dope, whatever.

If she is a calm person who is very hard to annoy or make angry, then here's the deal:

If she sees you get angry, it's like watching a person who is insane. It's called going mad (look up the definition of "mad"). That isn't a big turn-on.

It is a sad discrepancy between the two of you.

If you do want some help with your anger (and more), maybe look into various types of meditation. The vipassana varieties seem effective. The lead singer of the band Weezer swears by it, too Smile I'm just trying to help.

I really hope things go well with you and your lady friend - it does sound sound like a great match.
urbanbuddha
Try to find a different outlet for your anger. I think being angry is normal and healthy, but how you express it can be good or bad. If you're screaming or taking it out on her, then you should try to fix that.

Then again, I think loving someone means that you should accept their faults and love them for who they are. But that does not mean you can't change your behaviour to become more suited to her (changing your behaviour does not mean you have to change your personality as they are two different things.)
Arnie
Are you people actually reading the starter's post? According to him, it's the other guy who has "anger and love of console games".
Satori
Arnie wrote:
Are you people actually reading the starter's post? According to him, it's the other guy who has "anger and love of console games".


I don't read it that way...but maybe he'll clarify what he means for us. Why would this girl like someone who was more angry and more into video games? That really doesn't sound like any girl to me.

Anyway, assuming I'm reading your post correctly, anger issues will always scare rational sane people away. Anger in and of itself is not a bad thing...but as someone else said, it's how you release and express your anger that really shows the quality of your character. True alchemy is not turning scrap metal into gold...it's turning anger, fear, and hate into love. Find a way to channel your anger into something you really enjoy doing. Slowly you'll find that it becomes easier and easier to let go of any feelings of anger and embrace feelings of love. If you can achieve this, it will show in your relationship to this girl, and she will certainly take note. If it's meant to be, it will be.
mesianica
The true love don't need be capable with the "modus vivendus" (Life Style) Simply: Love is Love, otherwise is just a passer sentiment.
mike_phi
To cut a long story short I will get right to business first of all the anger, you deffinately can not afford to let anger get out of control, its a terible damaging and unattracktive attribute.

I would highly recommend that you focus on this and get to grips then you will just have to let time take its course and she will have to grow to learn that you seem to have the anger under control, human beings in general are affraid of seeing someon else get angry for many reasons and depending what type of childhood this girl might of had anger could be not only a turn off but a major "dont go there girl" sign so get a handel on that one depending on what extent your problem is you may even consider talking to a professional.

about the console games mmm here another turn off, I doubt there are many girls out there who are actually attrackted to someone who sits behind a console game all day and publiclly declares that he loves games, here you would have to keep your hobby to a mininmum or do it within reasonable doses and show her she is most important as with any couple getting together if you love the other person and take them seriously then you look for atributes which qualifies the other person to be your life time partner and posible parent to your children and you take not of the attributes in the next persom which disqualifies that person and depending on the weighting of you qualification against your disqualification would make it hard or cose to imposible for someone who loves you and has any brains to consider being with you.

the beautifull thing about us human beings is we can eveolve and change and learn if we really want to, ad this attribute on its own already qualifies you to be her man if you are prepared to really work on the things she has mentioned and try to analyse yourself and maybe develop as a person who knows you may develop into being your version of that clone she is talking about, I think the two of you have something really special (you and the girl not you andthe clone)and it might be worth taking a few steps from your normal who knows you might like your clone : ), just make sure you dont change into three i.e. become your clone not create a clone

but be carefull when changing one can change but dont change who your are as a person and I think the things you need to change will not change you as a person as I doubt you are a console game or a Angry mad mad.

cheers and good luck, mmmm sorry for the long story I guess I ended up cutting a short story long : )
mike_phi
Hee he sorry for cutting a long story even longer, I just realised that there is actually three of you invloved and she was not hoping for a fictatious clone but actuall has a clone of you in another person, ha ha I missed that.

if she just wants to be a feind and is seeing someone else who is a clone and you are close to her just talk to her and try to find out what you need to do to be her man, dont dwell to much and nagging her about whay she will not date you, rather invest your energy in trying to use your formiliarity with her to become that man that she is hoping for and I guarantee she will feel the comfort and not be too affraid to distroy the freindship and just maybe she will take a step and give you a chance.

cheers and good luck
molif
she could love you. who knows? time will tell if she's the one for you... and if you believe she is, hold on. she might just be afraid..
tiboo211
Hello,
yes maybe she is afraid and find it unreal to know someone like you. are you so perfect? I understand her. Does she know some of your defaults? Did you have time only for you two these days? I think you should keep your relationship. There will be a time when she may open your eyes. And as you say you are Christian, you can ask God if she is THE woman, and try to listen with a objective point of view even if you have a love sight to her...
Mannix
slasonic wrote:
Reaction under stress shows the quality of ones mind better than anything.

If it's getting angry, quiet, smoking dope, whatever.

If she is a calm person who is very hard to annoy or make angry, then here's the deal:

If she sees you get angry, it's like watching a person who is insane. It's called going mad (look up the definition of "mad"). That isn't a big turn-on.

It is a sad discrepancy between the two of you.

If you do want some help with your anger (and more), maybe look into various types of meditation. The vipassana varieties seem effective. The lead singer of the band Weezer swears by it, too Smile I'm just trying to help.

I really hope things go well with you and your lady friend - it does sound sound like a great match.


Well I really just don't get angry much. ...Don't really find much point in it. I suppose my reaction is more "quiet." ...As is hers.
Mannix
Arnie wrote:
Are you people actually reading the starter's post? According to him, it's the other guy who has "anger and love of console games".


Thanks Arnie. Smile Smile
Mannix
molif wrote:
she could love you. who knows? time will tell if she's the one for you... and if you believe she is, hold on. she might just be afraid..


tiboo211 wrote:
Hello,
yes maybe she is afraid and find it unreal to know someone like you. are you so perfect? I understand her. Does she know some of your defaults? Did you have time only for you two these days? I think you should keep your relationship. There will be a time when she may open your eyes. And as you say you are Christian, you can ask God if she is THE woman, and try to listen with a objective point of view even if you have a love sight to her...


We actually spent a whole weekend together recently. ...No sex, kissing, etc. Naturally. Just fun.

Ironically, I did ask God for direction Wednesday night. (Through a prayer to St. Therese. ...I know most Christians don't like the saints thing, but I'm okay with someone in Heaven praying to God for me. I received roses. ...Upside down ones, which related to my request for discernment.) I won't be pursuing. I've patiently waited for seven years. We're great friends. I guess that's all it's going to be. God's will be done. I don't want to end up married to the wrong gal, you know?!

It hurts, especially because of all the fond memories. I'm trying hard to set them behind me. I don't know what I'm going to do with her though. ...She send me a birthday present, and I sent a thank you. We haven't really talked since then. ...Not sure where this should go. ...We've both been pretty big supports for each other. ...Walking away would be like leaving a leg behind. I wanted to be partners. She just wants another friend I guess. There is definitely a difference.

...But at the same time, leaving it all behind might be the right thing to do. ...I kind of figure we've all been there before... ...Time will tell.
cavey
There is no logic to love. You do not love a person because he has this and those qualities, or because you are so and so alike. There is no reason why she loves that other guy and not you. If it's true love, anger and video games won't change that. There is nothing you can change to make her love you instead. You can ask why, all you want. But there is no answer. Love does not fill out a questionnaire to find the right one.

She might love you anyway - I don't know. But not because it's logical, aor because you have better qualities than that other guy.
Mannix
cavey wrote:
There is no logic to love. You do not love a person because he has this and those qualities, or because you are so and so alike. There is no reason why she loves that other guy and not you. If it's true love, anger and video games won't change that. There is nothing you can change to make her love you instead. You can ask why, all you want. But there is no answer. Love does not fill out a questionnaire to find the right one.

She might love you anyway - I don't know. But not because it's logical, aor because you have better qualities than that other guy.


Agreed. Naturally, though, I'm hopeful that in the thousands of years man has known woman, someone had figured this out, lol

Although, at this point, I believe it's probably not to be. I still want to be friends... ...We've always been pretty big supports for each other... ...But goodness knows I've been down this road before. ...It's not the fall that kills me; it's the sudden stop at the end. Embarassed
Mannix
molif wrote:
she could love you. who knows? time will tell if she's the one for you... and if you believe she is, hold on. she might just be afraid..


Yeah, scary thought though. I may have held on too much already. Sad
RubySlasher
Maybe you should get in video games and martial arts. That might win her over.
luzenkock
I love a gal, shes my best fren, but i knew tat, i might failed if i express my luv to her, so i decided to keep my love deep inside my heart, forever.
molif
RubySlasher wrote:
Maybe you should get in video games and martial arts. That might win her over.


being yourself is the best though. that's what i believe. if he takes up on these just to win her, it's no use
missdixy
Sometimes people leave because they get scared.
And sometimes people leave because they realize they have had enough of one thing and want something else.

I think it's impossible to really be sure which is the case here, because sometimes even the people who leave don't know the truth themselves. In either case, I'm a strong believer in that if someone wants to leave, try to change their mind a few times, and then give it up.
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