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For The First Time, I Feel Like I've Got Something Real

Hi, everyone! I too have a little situation.

Here's my story:

I've dated a few men, but I must admit, I've never really been in a serious relationship before. The guys that I've dated didn't last very long, either because we didn't have much of a connection or because they were the type to play games and I ended up giving them the boot. lol. Well, sometime last year, I met someone through a friend of mine who happens to be a guy too. I thought he was really nice, not to mention good looking, but my friend informed me that he was trying to learn how to speak his girlfriend's native language so that he could do the proper thing by asking her father for her hand. From that day forward, in my eyes, he was off limits.

So time passed and I saw him around (obviously attracted to him) but the word " taboo " would flash before my eyes before I even managed to wave " hello." And when we finally had a decent conversation a while later, to my surprise, we hit it off. I noticed that he was beginning to make these subtle moves, hints if you will, that clearly showed me he was interested. Confused, I thought to myself, " what ever happened to that one girl he was planning to propose to? "

I was dying to know, but I felt it wasn't my place, especially since we were still friends and he didn't come right out and tell me he wanted to take things further. I respected him enough NOT to ask unless he were to officially asked me to be his girl. Then and only then would I make it a point to know.

Slowly by slowly, we made plans to hang out together along with our group of friends and sometimes one on one to get to know each other better. It was always a blast being with him and it did feel very differently from the way I felt when I dated before. It felt ... real. I was more myself, more at ease. Then, finally, one night when we went out to get a bite to eat, he opened up to me about what happened between him and the "mystery woman." He explained that she was the first person he had ever been in a serious relationship with and that the reason why he was planning to marry her was more a feeling of obligation rather than love. His family and hers would get together on their own now and then, and even though he "let go," just the fact that they still interact with each other makes it hard for him to completely break free. And for some reason, even though him and his ex fight more often then they're at peace, she calls him and makes demands whenever she sees fit. Trust me, this guy is one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, and I think it's the good in him that gets him into these kinds of situations. The thing is, why does he feel the need to always answer the phone when she calls? Why can't he just make a stand and not answer?

I'm struggling with the idea that just MAYBE he loves this woman, and even though she fights with him all the time, he can't help but try to please her because he doesn't realize YET that he's still holding on.

He told me that he really enjoys my company, that he always looks forward to spending time with me and that he really does feel a connection when we're together ... that the reason he cares about me is because of that ... and because he can see that I truly care about people ... and look out for everyone ... not just myself ... that I'm sincere.

He said that, whether I believe him or not, he wants me to know that he has in fact let go of her ... but to be fair to me, he wants to keep things on a friendship level until he can completely break ties with her. He said that, in the meantime, if I ever come across someone I'd like to date, that he's open to the idea ... but he said that, once he's able to break away for good, he's hoping I'll consider taking things a step further ...

The thing is, I'm at a point where I'm so afraid things will take a turn for the worse. Maybe this is totally normal, but I'm still nervous about the whole situation. Since then, he hasn't pulled away from me. In fact, he's been very supportive with my school and still makes time throughout the week to take me out for lunch or dinner or ... to go bowling and ... I see this " look " in his eyes ... like his feelings are growing deeper ... Lately, we've been hanging out twice or even 3 times a week even though we're both in college and work part time too. And just this week, I told him that I probably won't be free at all ... because I have so many projects to complete plus mid-terms to study for.

His reply?

"Okay. If you need help or you need a break, let me know" ... he made it clear that he's there for me and that, after the rush of the week has gone by, we can do the things we planned to do.

Am I just paranoid? Am I giving this guy too much credit or am I just afraid because, for the first time, I actually have someone worth holding onto? I don't know, I think I think too much ...
Hmm well you definitely have real feelings for this guy, and he certainly cares for you too. It's pretty safe to say that the feelings of care and love are mutual. But now, about that other girl...well she seems like she takes advantage of guys, I mean like, demanding him to do things; that's no way to be compassionate or loving (I don't think so anyway). And yes, it IS quite normal to feel paranoid in a situation such as this, and to ease your stress level down, I would suggest that you think more positively. No offense hon, but if you think things are going to take a turn for the worse, all you're going to do is stress your self out even more than you already are. Personally I think he really likes you (from what I know) and if he had the choice between you or her; I don't see why he wouldn't pick you. Just give it time, and things will hopefully turn out good. But, lets say it doesn't work out the way you wanted (think positively) you never know; he may come back to you, knowing you were the better choice. I hope the best for you, I really do. I don't know if I've helped you any, but I did try. Just keep holding on and being positive, you'll get through these tough times.

~much love: nIkKi
His reply is dangerous... IMO, he is saying he doesn't care; I read it as he will take you back if there's no one else
hi jane,

it's always nice when you meet someone with whom you can connect and be yourself with. I am happy for you. However, I'd like to remind you to be careful with giving your heart to this guy too soon.

How long have you known him now? I did not see that in your post. How long has he been with the ex? How long have they broken up?

When I met my husband, he was separated from his ex and going thru a divorce. We clicked and hit it off from the first phone conversation. I took me a while to understand that he had no choice but to be in contact with his ex. I also felt like he was in love with her. It took me a year to realize what he was telling me was the truth and understand why he kept in touch.

I do wish you the best.

Sorry for this.

But I don't think there is anything special with this guy, he is traped with his ex and got a hard time finishing that, why? There is a reason, and often there are a few lies, just talking of my own experience here, he can be Prince Charmy ofc, but realistic, lies are very common in those situations you explain when you cant realy cut lose from the ex.

Apart from that, he soudns like a normal guy, my guess is that other guys you have been dating are less mature then he is, cause judging from his replys and stuff he said, it's nothing special, it's just logical.. a nice logical person, ok, you got alot to do? what should he do? run away? c'mon, he waits cause he knwos there is useless to run or nag about it.

You never said how old you guys are, wich makes it harder to guess the situation going on. But you both go to college, means you arnt very old, so I guess he is a more mature then average guy who cares about you, and if you havnt got very close to someone like this, it make sence that you feel paranoid.

Anyways, just chill, things will prob work out just fine. Unless I was right abuot the lying part I first mentioned.

Didn't mean to hurt you with this post or anything, just telling you what I think.

Good luck with everything!
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