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What is she doing?

Hi all,

First time poster nice! Smile

My story..I have met a new girl at work, someone who I have been chatting to in a friendly manner and she was being very friendly and open in problem so far then...

I started picking up some good vibes, so I asked her out. She said she had a boyfriend so I said no problem. I asked her whether she wanted to be friends and assured her that I would totally respect her and her boyfriends positions and not ask her out again, or even hint at things like that. She said she found it flattering and wanted to be friends.

Well, that was a month ago. Since then I've tried to remain on friendly terms, asking how her job is going, whether she had a good weekend etc, nothing heavy. Over this month though, she's gradually become more and more distant to the point where I am sure she is starting to avoid me in the canteen etc, and doesnt always respond to my hellos or emails.

It's really odd...i'm not bombarding or getting heavy with her but I truly believe that when someone says they want to be friends it means more than simply saying 'morning' in work - thats just acquaintenances in my opinion, not friends. I feel I've totally kept my word.

So, any ideas? Is she playing games, or does she dislike me for some reason? I am guessing that she wants me to disappear and is not really interested in being friends, that it was just lip service. I just find it so ironic that when girls moan about men not being able to behave like friends..then I do..and I get the cold shoulder!!

Even more frustrating is that she is friendly and light hearted with other people, whereas I get the evil looks, or just increasingly plain ignored!!

Any ideas as to what is going on? Maybe a female can give an a view?

Well it sounds like she is giving you plenty of non verbals there. Without knowing the situation very well, I would suggest that maybe she is feeling a little resentful towards you for some reason, or perhaps suffocated.

Who knows her reasons for this though. She may have agreed to be friends thinking that nothing would come of it, and since you are being persistant, this may be the cause of her uneasiness towards you.

Or, it could be your imagination.

I would follow your instincts though. You feel that something is wrong, so maybe it's time to back off. Wait for her to email you and approach you in her own time. If she never does, I think you'll know that the talk of friendship was lip service.
I think I have a pretty good idea of what is going on with her, and I would probably feel the same way, considering I'm a female as well. Ok, so you went up to her like a month ago and asked her, ok that's fine; and she was fine with that too. But I believe after she gave it more thought she felt kind of bad for being around you, because if she is too friendly she thinks that you may think that she may be hinting to something, when really she has a boyfriend. As well, just think about it, if you know someone likes you, it can tend to get awkward at times because you know that you don't like them in that way... I don't know, my explanations seem kid of jumbled and difficult to understand, but in the world of women, it's easier to understand. I hope you understood. Anyway, all I'm saying is; is that she is feeling awkward about the whole situation, yes maybe she is avoiding you to an extent, but that's only cause she doesn't want to make things really weird. So maybe give her some time and space to herself, and then sometime on a later date, approach her and maybe discuss your feelings, cause you still want to be friends with her, so tell her again, and you never know where it might lead, but don't make it awkward, I think she has enough of that right now... I hope that helped Smile and good luck to you!

~love: nIkKi
lol, take the hint and disappear. She's not interested. Don't worry though there's someone out there for you. ;o)
Hi Nikki

Thanks for the reply and viewpoint, I am pretty sure I understand what you mean!

I just feel its a shame that a potential friendship has to end before its started, just because I asked her out. When she told me she had a boyfriend I understood the boundaries and would have respected that situation.

I just feel bad that she has decided to take the 'ignoring' approach when there was no need. It suddenly made me feel like I'd done something completely wrong, when I am sure I havent - I certainly havent harassed or suffocated her.

Anyway, I get your point so thanks again.

@ rheanna, why is it so funny? I hope someone replies to a question you pose one day in a similar flippant way.
No problem, I just wanted to help. I hope things turn out for the better for you! Smile

~love: nIkKi
Da Rossa
That's a little sad. You did everything correct. Then, she's on her own.

There are some possibilities:

1 - She eventually told her boyfriend about her 'new workmate'. Then, feeling insecure, he decided to tighten the leash. Something similar has happened to me, with the difference the I actually WAS going towards the girl anyway, I LIKED her, despite her being commited.

2 - She may have felt insecure about your daily company. Perhaps she really wanted, in the depth of her heart, to have an affair with you, but she can't, so she's avoiding proximity.

3 - You may have stepped wrongly in an occasion, meaning that you didn't mean to, but you cast a 'hint' about something more envolving.

4 - She may have heard bad and/or false stories about you.

Then, why not lock her against the wall and ask, honestly, why is she doing it, since you both agreed to be friends?
Thanks Da Rossa,

I like option 2!!! But, realise there are quite a lot of possibilities!
Da Rossa
jonnyt wrote:
Thanks Da Rossa,

I like option 2!!! But, realise there are quite a lot of possibilities!

Yeah, indeed, that's why I stated that those were some of the possibilities Wink
rheanna wrote:
lol, take the hint and disappear. She's not interested. Don't worry though there's someone out there for you. ;o)

imo, that's just mean, you make this guy sound like a loser, and if he is telling the truth (we asume that he is), he have done nothing wrong, ofc we can't see the whole situation just from what he wrote, but we can stil try to be nice.

Anyways, I do have the same opinion as many others, take a step back, I guess she might feel that you are a bit to much, you never said how often you talk to her or how often u send her a mail, is it every day? even if it's just a "hey how are you?" it can be to much, take a step back and wait, well this sounds like one of those "she will never talk to you again" and the reason to that is because she is probably not that strong, many people are not, we rather run then face it, she runs from you, instead of talking to you and telling you the reason, that's something she does wrong. Anyways, you have to decied what to do, take a step back, and there is a big chance she won't talk to you again, for reason just mentioned, or confront her, and talk to her, sort things out, here is a big chance you get some black eyes and makes her pissed, most likley becayse she can't back herself up and stand for what she does, thinks or says/not says..

hard situation, wish you best of luck with it tho..
bonestorm74 wrote:
Who knows her reasons for this though. She may have agreed to be friends thinking that nothing would come of it, and since you are being persistant, this may be the cause of her uneasiness towards you.

Right on point there.
She probably has a different view on what your friendship should be like. It seems like she would rather be acquaintances, but does not want to express this verbally. I would get the hint and just give her space. If she sees that you can maintain your distance, maybe she'll believe that you've gotten over your feelings and will accept your friendship.
She figured you out.
Oh well! Maybe you'll be able to seduce the next unavailable lady friend!
Figured out what exactly Rubyslasher??

You're making a LOT of assumptions there. If you read my post earlier u will see that I accepted she had a bf and that I was happy to not ask her out again.
I think you'd better give her some space. May be she care a lot to her boyfriend. So may be she trying to avoid you to not get her boyfriend jealous . And you should respect that.

If I were you I will step aside, forget about her and find someone else. However she may turn to you afterward.

Just don't chase her, but be in your own game.

Well, the situation has now resolved itself....

Unexpectedly she up and left the company (on Monday). Apparently she disliked her colleagues in her section and disliked the work even more. So, maybe that goes someways to explaining why she didnt look happy!

I feel its a shame she's gone but it does go some way to ease my paranoia!! Shocked
have you even thought that maybe she's afraid of getting close to you cause she might start getting into you.
Sometimes ladies love to end anything that might lead into something,she may as well be really in love with her boyfriend thats why she gives you this much space.
dON'T GIVE your hopes up though stats shows that most relationship started when someone is already in in relationship.
You didn't state if you are single yourself are you very much single??
could be because she felt uneasy that if you wanted to be friends, you would not be coming too close. you should try and tell her your stand, if you can..
People have othere sences besides the obvious ones we use and females are a bit more intune ( I am just a well trained male ), so bearing this in mind ask yourself the guestion

"Do I really just want to be freinds with this girl"

and if you answer yourself honestly then maybe she feels your inner desires when you are around her and when you parallel that with your invitation to go out then this girl is just doing what most people in a realtionship would do, avoid putting ones self in a situation when you are happy in a relationship.

so maybe your intentions are not so pure as you try to express them and you are being detected by this sencitive faithfull girl.

I would not use the wards back-off because you appear to be trying to just be a freind , if you think about it you where freinds before you asked her out and now you are not as she fears you want more, I would just put the whole situation on ice for a while and if you turn out to be freinds in the future then great, if not then its also great you can befriend other guys and girls, becuse a person does not desire the freindship of someone it is accuired and mutual, just based on the fact that you are desiring her frindship rings HUGE alarm bells in my head your intentions are not pure and she is doing the right thing, ask yourself why are you a bit "frustrated" or desperate to be her "freind" would you like your girlfreind to have the type of freind you are trying to be towards this girl : )

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