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What is this?

the Civilian

Firstly I will tell you a little bit about me, it may help you understand better...

Wel, I'm a girl, 16 years old now... still studying hard... got high standards and high ambition. I'm known among my peers as a very smart and friendly person. My parents and teachers all trsut me... I guess I am very lucky in a sense, I am quite happy with my life.

Anyway, here is my predicament...

I've known this boy since I was 11 years old. He was friendly when I met him and he was the one who approached me. Since then, we have gradually become friends. Until this year, though, we have never been in each others classes, so all this year we have been becoming better and better friends, we're talking a lot more and about more personal stuff.

A while ago, when I started notcing boys ( Laughing ), I noticed him a bit more, I tried to keep it out of my mind but it is still odd to me. I have many friends who are boys and girls, I'm a very open person and I find it easy to get along with both sexes, but never really thought about any of my other male friendsin that way. I tried to forget about it.

Now more recently he has opened up to me a lot, as we became really close friends. He told me sometimes how his friends mistreat him and never really seem to involve him fully in anything. Then one day, we were talking on MSN, he told me that I'm pretty much the only one that talks to him on MSN. We just had a long break from school and I really missed him; when I told him that he said he felt the same.

Now I starting to worry about him. He is like me with high ambitions, he wants to be a pilot, but he wants to join the military as soon as he possibly can. Also, he never sleeps well and seems to have a lack of motivation to work most of the time.

So now I feel like I really do care about him. I know whevener we talk, he tries to make an effort and makes jokes, it makes me happy seeing him that way...

Sorry, I know this is a long post, but here is my question: am I sincerely caring about this guy or not? To me it's the most I've felt for anyone outside my family...

Also, why is like this? I can tell he is not always happy... but he always laughs with me. Maybe he is glad he told me why he is not happy?

Please someone, explain our feelings!

Many thanks in advance, sorry again for the long post...
You have a valuable lesson to learn: The only explanation for your feelings is your own.

I'll offer a few pearls though...

When a man and a woman marry and spend the rest of their lives together, it is not for sexual attraction alone. It is because of the deep friendship that develops between them.

For most people, there are few set points on their emotional scale. Rather, friendship, emotional desire, and physical desire all exist on a continuum.

You can love someone without desiring them sexually. You can desire someone sexually without loving them. And you can (sometimes woefully, sometimes wonderfully) fall anywhere in between.

Some emotions are maladaptive. Persistent hate and anger without efforts to constructively resolve the issues causing them are bad. Dependency on something that you know is bad for you is also bad. Most everything else is unclear and you have to explore it and find out for yourself.

And finally, trust yourself a little.
And in case it wasn't clear, in response to your question, "Am I seriously caring about this guy or not?"...

Ask that of yourself and no one else. No one else has the answer. Only you do.
I want to be really honest with you since you sound like a really nice person, so am I, so please dont take this the wrong way ok, I really mean well and do hope you have many great experiences and friendships in your life time.

I dont think you are really asking the right question. You asked one but you were right, to understand the question, you have to read the background and you have to read between the lines, which is ok because feelings are often like that.

Really though, you are the only one who can answer the question you did ask. You have to ask your heart.

It seems to me though that because you are asking and because you said things like you are happy, and in a predicament and maybe most importantly, I think you have sensed that your boyfriend has some problems it may be making you hesitant about taking it any further and you should be.

You can be caring, you can be friends, you can share but how deeply you get with someone really depends oh you and you only.

My advice, if you want it, is trust your feeling and use your common sense. It is really great to develop friendships but you know sometimes the best ones are made around other people in groups (anyone not just your peers). Yeah, you can have your private times, like on line for example but you can also develop friendships in other ways too.

Its actually difficult for me to say because I dont want to sound, you know, like I am lecturing but at sixteen, that is a really cool age by the way, but wait a couple of years to really have serious feeling for anyone if you can. Anyone, that is your friend will understand that. Aside from that and not to contradict and confuse - here is a slogan for you. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

PS: I know I am older than you but you know I still ask the questions you are asking, sigh. I think you are really wise to be asking.
the Civilian
Thanks for your advice so far Smile

Yeah, I know this guy means a lot to me. For sure.
I guess it's right that I asked the wrong question before...
What about him? What do you make of his behaviour?
Ha, not expecting any pyschologist responses, but however hard I try I can't understand what he is feeling. He does tell me about his troubles, but I've never heard him talk in a sad tone of voice, if any of you understand what I mean...
the Civilian wrote:

What about him? What do you make of his behaviour?

Well personally, I think he may be suffering from some minor depression. You though are pretty much the only one he can open up to right? So when he's with you, he wants to be able to enjoy his time with you, and he wants you to be happy of course (which explains why he makes jokes). He seems like a nice guy. But I'm not sure as to why he may be feeling down in the dumps, maybe it might have to do with how you said before that

the Civilian wrote:

his friends mistreat him and never really seem to involve him fully in anything

so with that in mind, I believe that he has minor depression, as I said before. But it may be more serious than just minor, it could possibly be clinical depression, which is a medical diagnosis of severe depression. I don't know the exact story, only you would know the whole thing, but if depression is in fact what he is going through, it would be best just to be there for him, and let him know that you'll be there for him. I hope that helped you. And i wish the best for you and your friend.

~much love: nIkKi
the Civilian
Thanks Nikki

Heh, seems to be what I was afraid to think...
but I'll try to cheer him up Smile
It does sound like a form of depression, and that is one of the hardest things to combat on your own. I'm glad you're there for him and that you want to be.

You both sound like great people, and I wish the best for both of you, but, and here comes the lecture part, at 16, I wasn't ready for any serious relationship. You may be. I've met some 15 and 16 year olds that were very mature for their age. I've never met you so I don't know. I will back up what someone else said. Enjoy this time in your life. Don't look back on it and say, I wish I had done this or not done that. Always be true to yourself.

God bless.
Your love sounds more like a love of pity. It is quite similar to when one finds a kitten with a broken leg. The kitten is adorable, and it appears to need you, even. And of course you fall in love.
Regardless, as soon as the kitten heals, it will be back outside, running around and being a cat.
You're both 16, and even if you're emotionally mature, there is no assurance that he is. In fact, he won't turn into anything of the real man that he's going to be until he's at least 19.
But that's not saying that you can't love him, for the poor, broken creature that he is now.
Why! You can continue bandaging him every day. That will take lots of time away from your studies and ambitions though, of course.
But at least you'll be fixing up a man that you're not even sure will turn out the way he says he will!
you sound confused about your own feelings, and a person who askes questions to get answers. but i guess you are still learning.

take time off from him to think about what you want. it's ok to have crushes and infactuations at that age.
Just get along with him a few more times if you meet him again and maybe you'll be more certain with your feeling towards him. I'll think you'll be a nice couple to see. Lol. **Just teasing**
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