My boyfriend and I have been together about 9 months.
We live and work at a ski resort.
He has plans to go out of the country next summer to snowboard.
All summer. 3-4 months or more.
New Zealand, Chile, or Argentina.
Now here's the problem. I get really upset when he brings "the trip" up, well because I'm not going. I'm not a big snowboarder like he is.
He plans on going with a couple good friends, or by himself if everyone else falls out. Either way, he's going.
I know I'm getting upset because I'm making it all about myself. I feel like I'm going to miss him, or he going to meet someone else. Or just that he'd rather be snowboarding than be with me.
But it's not about me. At all.
He's been planning this since before he even met me, and snowboarding is his passion. He's good at it, and it makes him happy. There's nothing else that he'd rather do.
I just feel like it comes before me sometimes, and that a shitty feeling, but I guess that's what I get living at a damn ski resort, ya know? Who else is up here? They're all snow crazy. All but me.
He called me and asked me to find some stuff online about it and I just got really quiet and kind of agitated. Like, why would I want to help him find ways to go away for months? I know I sound sooo EGOTISTICAL, but it gets the best of me. I would be helping him do what he loves. It's not about me.
I just have a headache.
guess u live on the wrong place then huh?
anyways, we are all free, and it would be wrong of him to give up his dream because of anything.. sometimes we must let go of those we love, to strengthen the love.. don't worry about it, you know that he is going, try to help him, be there for him, cause if you do, he will feel that you realy care about him and want the best for him..
if you are all quiet and wine, he might feel relived when he leaves on his trip.. and you don't want that.. bigger chance that he meets someone else then too.. if he's happy, he wont look for girls anywhere.. he feels just fine.. but if he aint.. well.. I don't know him.. just takling abuot my own experience. when relationship is bad.. you look on other options.. and when it's good.. you don't..
first off, i thought he planned the whole thing WITHOUT INVITING YOU. if that's the case, then he's an idiot.
but i'm going to assume he invited you but you declined, since that's how your post sounds like. am i right?
i'm a guy. and to be honest, i was somewhat annoyed by your post. i get into the same situations every now and then with my girlfriend. but hey, if you're so troubled of the thought of what he might/might not do during the trip, then go with him for pete's sake! don't sulk in the corner and think about how you are only his second priority and bullsh*t.
girls overprioritize things. they compare themselves with the most ridiculous things. like snowboarding for example. or friends. it's just like drinking water & eating- choosing which one should go first. truth is, you get full either way! BUT YOU CANNOT ELIMINATE ANY ONE OF THOSE! they simply must coexist.
do you really want him to give up on his snowboarding dreams just to please you? i mean... you TAKE, but what does he get? a broken dream. that's what.
either get over yourself and go with him or stop sulking.
Here is another male viewpoint...
Sounds a bit cold, I know, but do you think things are ever going to change? If snowboarding is more important than being with you now, it is not going to get any better as time goes on. You are always going to be second. That is not a bad thing in itself, but since it bothers you (and from what you write, I don't think you are going to change) it is always going to be an issue.
My wife's previous boyfriend was the same way, only about Scuba diving. He was always running of to go diving. My wife was often invited, but if she didn't go, he went anyway. Eventually, she had enough and the rest was great for me!
We do have different hobbies, but we really limit them if it is causing problems for the other. Yeah, I give up some of my interests for my wife and she some for me. For us it is just a matter of how much we care for each other compared to hobbies.
A girl's perspective thats not wrapped up in it (Or otherwise I'd be like, NO STAY WITH ME!)
Let him go, you both need time to make sure there's nothign better out there. You may want to discuss the status of your relationship before he goes (exclusive or open)
And it's not until next summer, you have no idea what could happen in a year, and if he's been planning this since before you met him, you really can't stop him from going.
Guys generally hate girls that are too clingy, so let him have his space to go do what he loves and hang with his buds, you're his girlfriend, but not his entire life, you know? And most likely, he'll come back ASAP because he misses you. ^_^
I know its really hard to do but just try not to let it get to you that much and do stuff with your girlfriends, space is a good thing. ^_^
(I guess this one is already planned, so you should make your own plans this summer)
Does he know how you feel about it? He is not psychic. Being in a bad mood does not make him go "aha"!
So talk about it! Is this the future for you? You go to separate vacations months at the time? Or is he willing to cut those down to a 2 week trip at a time, or whatever you can live with? Tell him what you feel about the different alternatives, and about him not setting you first (he probably do, he is just not used to it yet). How are you setting him first? How do YOU show it? What sacrifices do you do for him? Don't hold back. This shows the real you, and help you deside if you fit together. Remember, not only he should make sacrifices!
And remember, if you don't say anything, he thinks that you don't mind. The bad mood you are having, he will think is because of the dirty socks he left on the bathroom floor, or something. As I wrote before; He is not psychic!
|He's been planning this since before he even met me |
THIS is the key line.
If he's going for three or four months, and has been planning it for more than 9, he's been looking forwards to this for aaages. And most likely has an awful lot of money sunk into it to. No three month trip can ever be cheap.
If I were him, I'd still be going. I'd invite you along, and if you couldn't/didn't want to, I'd feel really bad about it. Or at least see if you could come out for PART of the trip.
So if your boyfriend is apologetic, sympathetic, and trying to find compromises, you don't really have a problem. He's probably already spent hundreds or thousands on this, and been planning it for the best part of a year. Of course he's going to go.
On the other hand, if he's just blowing you off out of hand, or would've made these plans even after he met you, that's another matter entirely.
let's talk about love for a while, shall we?
I can see you are going to miss him for a while. Completely normal if you ask me, but what strikes me as odd is this:
in spite of all the facts (him planning this before you were together amongst others..) I still get the fact it is about you.
I can see why you are pissed off, lovers really expect to be involved in each others activities. In that way, it should be fair if he asked you to come along in case he would be going alone.
But it's still about you because you don't start a discussion about it with him. The minute you discuss this with him it isn't about you anymore. Just tell him how you feel, only talk about ourself and let him react to your story. Only then can you truly come to an understanding of eachother.
They it seems that you already understood everything. Indeed you're being ego-centered to think like that, but in this case it's not a bad idea. After all, he is leaving you for a while, and that's gonna happen during you holidays, what means that you're gonna spend it without him.
I don't know about the relationship of you two guys, maybe he wants a break to think. He might also have other pending issues that deserve a rest moment to relax and think about them. Plus, snowboarding is his life, so it should make you feel good that you're letting him go on a trip to do something very pleasant, then, when it's finished, he'll come directly to your arms.
Of course you may think that he will have a clear passage to cheat on you during this trip. However, that's just how it works. You can't feel 100% safe about this, neither can he about you. He might know that you're not the safest person on Earth, maybe you feel alone and decide to be with someone during this torturing period. That will depend on how much you like him. Moments apart from each other will take place many times during your relationship, you got to be prepared!
HI, I think you dont have too much to wory about, this is just this guys dream and one only lives once.
The main thing I think you need to clear up is stop trying to find the ranking between you and the snowbording its two totally different situations and are simply uncomparable, you cant really know if he puts the snowboarding before you, and He does not I can almost quarantee, becuse the act of snowboarding is totally different from living in a loving relationship the only problem is it is going to consume time away from you and that cant be changed.
and if you just show your love and support I am certain that he will realize this and feel the love and act accordingly, I have been on many trips for months sometime and when i had a girlfreind back home the only thing I talked to other girls while I was on my trip was my girlfreind and how I missed her and how I wish she was here, but even though I missed her I still went on the trip its just one of those things and in my heart it definatly did not put the trip before her, and what you experiencing is real life sometimes even when in a tight relationship the activities of the world put us in different locations.
Eg I did allot of contract work in various parts of the world like millions of other people and we all have to leave our loved ones behind imagine if all the contractors in the world would not leave theirs loved ones for a few months, the world would turn at a slower rate.
besides contracts even just holiday trips, speaking from experience I just had to take some of the adventure trips I have taken I left the girlfreind behind and headed out, there was never an option of choosing sometimes these trips are part of who you are and if you dont go or if your girlfreind attacks you or feels bitter about it the she is attacking my personality and when one attacks the core the personality the results are never good.
good luck and be happy for your Boyfreind
You have to look at it this way: He planned the trip before he met you, and that means he doesn't go on the trip to get rid of you, but because it is one of his dreams. Let him enjoy it he definitely come back
Why are you so upset? That is what I have so much trouble understanding. He's had it planned since before you met, he's not trying to hide it, he's even asking you for help so he'll have some input from you on it. I don't know if he's invited you to go or not, but that shouldn't be an issue either. I've been married for over 22 years, and sometimes I tell my husband to go and have a weekend or so with just him and his friends. Go, enjoy, have a great time. I even help him pack his bags. Don't think that I don't love him and that I don't want him around because I do. But I also understand that sometimes he needs to do things without me just like I need to do things without him. We trust each other to not stray.
Which is what this whole issue comes down to. Do you trust this guy enough to let him take this trip without being a pest about it?
Albena, my honest view is that this is no big deal. You already know the facts.
The fact is that you're admitting that you're being selfish in this situation, and that's important. Just keep in mind that despite the importance of the relationship, he clearly places a much larger emphasis on the trip he's planning, and there is no getting around it. There is no such thing as being able to really change someone, and even if you did, you would only be denying him something he would really enjoy, and I don't think you want that either. If the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen once he's ready to settle down after his trip, and that's just that, try not to stress.
You two aren't married, so stop whining.
You could go along with him. It would help you strengthen your relationship and you can learn skiing