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Getting a guy to talk...





laurenrox
The hardest problem I have with my boyfriend is getting him to sit down and talk to me. I have no problem with getting him to listen, it's getting him to tell me what he's thinking and how he feels.

Like last night. We were headed home and I was playing a song on the that he didn't particularly like. I've always messed with the radio and played different things, but that particular night, he jumped at me. He told me, "When you get you're own car, you can play whatever you want." I was like, "Okay, why haven't you told me this before? If you had, I would've stopped a long time ago." He gets mad, and by this time, we're in the driveway, so he stomps up the steps to the house and doesn't speak to me until nearly 2 hours later, and even then he acts like it didn't happen.
smartpandian
Hey.. Thats, the cool part of boy friend..

He wants you to enjoy the music though he dislikes it, but unfortunately he could not stand upto the limit...

Also, he is like a child, who forgets the instance be it good or bad..

I think, you are gifted to have him as your boy friend..

Believe it.. It is God's Gifted trait him.. Just admire it ..
SyncM
I think its a big problem all thing he get aggry on will come out like the radio. My belive i that a healthy realationship needs to talk about the felings good or bad. Dont push him he will only get angry try to talk with him when both is happy like on a walk and maybe he starts to talk.
Sadow
There are things you do which apparently irritate him and it seems to me he only speaks his mind when it gets too much for him. I think you should really talk to him about it and tell him he should warn you sooner if he doesn't like things. If this doesn't fit his character, he might unconsciously gather a lot of negative stuff he will throw at you later on when you will have a fight... Sorry for this negative view on your friend.
tingkagol
boys easily forget about the wrong stuff women do to them. however, girls treat mistakes of boys like the bible.
Azmo
tingkagol wrote:
boys easily forget about the wrong stuff women do to them. however, girls treat mistakes of boys like the bible.


I don't like to say it, but I agree with you, my experience is that boys have easier to forget and forgive then girls.. it's pretty much the same when I fight with my gf, we fight, give me 2 calm hours focusing on something I like to do, and all hard feelings are gone, it's like it never happend, and after 2 hours calling back to her, it's kinda save if u gamble for a second fight then, cause that's what it will be, she can talk about stuff that happend a year ago, like it happend yesterday and that I should feel sorry for her about that, I did feel sorry for her, at the time, can't do it a year later..
tingkagol
women.

they need to get over it. breathe the fresh air. eat some apples.
tekanubis
Personally, I don't want to complain about things a girl I like does, because I want her to be happy. I don't end up flying off the handle like that though, but it seems he wasn't in a good mood that day or something. If I ever get angry about something trivial like that, it's probably cuz the girl was irritating the hell out of me throughout the day. Yes, he should have put not to mess with his radio in a nicer way, and if he does this a lot, it sounds like a serious problem, with him. Some guys are jerks, I'm not saying this guy is, but things like that shouldn't happen too often. Everyone has a bad and wants things to go by their rules every now and then.

So, if it's a rare occurance, I'd say he wants you to be happy, but had a bad day. If it's constant, he has problems.
Karupoiss
Maybe he just had a hard day. Could be you know.
Droop
laurenrox wrote:
The hardest problem I have with my boyfriend is getting him to sit down and talk to me. I have no problem with getting him to listen, it's getting him to tell me what he's thinking and how he feels.

Like last night. We were headed home and I was playing a song on the that he didn't particularly like. I've always messed with the radio and played different things, but that particular night, he jumped at me. He told me, "When you get you're own car, you can play whatever you want." I was like, "Okay, why haven't you told me this before? If you had, I would've stopped a long time ago." He gets mad, and by this time, we're in the driveway, so he stomps up the steps to the house and doesn't speak to me until nearly 2 hours later, and even then he acts like it didn't happen.



Well it sounds like he has a communication problem which is hard to handle if he doesn't realize it, all you can really do is express this to him and if he's willing to open up then he'll let you in. If not you would have to just be patient and wait for him to come around to opening up. it happens and it's tough to go threw it. SO be strong and if your relationship is important enough just stick it threw and find ways around it.. good luck
ktak1
I think it's a well known fact that guys are not particularly open with the thoughts and feelings. Guys tend to bottle things up a lot. Sometimes a hard day makes the bottle pop. Sounds like a minor incident blew up into a major one. I'm sure he felt bad so he kinda swept it under the rug.

Guys will do very childish things for a very long time. You should accept that fact!

Oh, and it's very very difficult to admit to mistakes. Why do you think we never ask for directions while driving?
laurenrox
Thanks for the feed back guys...

And I did try explaining to him that he should tell me something like that the first time I do it, but he just blew me off and didn't say anything. Everytime something goes wrong (which is pretty often now, about once or twice a week), he doesn't want to talk about it. I've tried so many different approaches. I've tried walking away and letting both of us cool off until tomorrow. I've tried talking calmly with him, but all he ever says is, "I don't know..." or "I have nothing to say..." whenever I try to talk to him. I can't help make things better if he won't talk to me...

It's gotten to where I cry constantly over the arguements we have, and all I want to do is make things right again. He used to be such a sweetheart, and now I'm beginning to think he doesn't give a shit about me at all...
ReubenWilliams
in order to get him to talk you could

a) Tell him you find it sexy when he talks about his feelings

b) Get him drunk

c) Get him drunk then tell him he is sexier when he talks about his feelings.

I am a man I know how theese things work.
ktak1
I think ReubenWilliams has a good point. You should try that. If that doesn't get SOME kind of information or feedback from him, you should start realistically considering the fact that his heart may not be invested in the relationship any more. You can try to "respark" the relationship and rediscover the initial joy and happiness you felt with him, but be careful with that.

Good luck.
Azmo
form my own experience, when things on an emotional level, often gets dificult, guys kinda stop talking about it.. I have no problem talking about my feelings, but if I dont feel that the person I'm talking to, do understand me, I rather be quiet, cause it will end up with me trying to explain everything instead of taking a burden of my chest.. a gf I had before, took everything wrong.. she asked me to tell her stuff about my past, specific stuff, I did, and she got sad/pissed for no reason.. so it's very hard to talk to some people, guess it's even harder for guys to then it is for girls..
laurenrox
Quote:
I think ReubenWilliams has a good point. You should try that. If that doesn't get SOME kind of information or feedback from him, you should start realistically considering the fact that his heart may not be invested in the relationship any more. You can try to "respark" the relationship and rediscover the initial joy and happiness you felt with him, but be careful with that.

Good luck.


I would have no idea about knowing how to put the spark back in our relationship... It's getting to the point where he feels trapped in this, I think. I don't blame him. I sit at home for 10 hours a day by myself (because I have no car and no way of getting around {and therefore have no job}, plus I'm working on getting into college), and I want attention when he gets home... But he's been at work all day, and he just wants his alone time... I feel like he doesn't really want anything to do with me...

He's not your typical guy. He has no interest in sex, and, get this, just the other night he told me that he didn't feel any kind of emotion when having sex with me. He said he's been like that since he was young, and it was before me and it has nothing to do with me personally, but that's still a low blow...

I'm really starting to give up, but I don't want to... Oh boy, if he knew I was on here telling people about our personal issues, he'd freak... but I don't know what else to do... I've talked to all my friends, I've even sought out advice from my parents! I'm at a loss...
rheanna
Confused lol, when you find out..Please tell me.. I seem to be getting no where with anyone I meet!
Azmo
there's no secret, we are all different.. I do have easier to talk with thougher girls, I have no problem talking about emotions but I face it as something we have, and something we must handle with curage and strength, not something we should wine about and act like a drama queen.. I don't need a hug, a pillow and a teddy bear when I'm down, I need someone that can talk about if and cheer me up without those stuff.. someone that kinda kicks my but and tells me "c'mon punk, stop wining, u know you'll get over it soon, now stfu and let me watch this show" or someone just talking abuot something else, so you forget about it.. me and my best friend have done this for 13 years now.. it works for us..
ktak1
I think you may have to stop and consider the overall relationship. Have you reached a point in the relationship where you know each other well enough to realize or recognize incompatability? Is it possible that both your base, underlying personalities don't fit? Or are you guys just in a "rough patch"? Is it something that can be resolved, or is it fundamental differences?

Everyone at the beginning of the relationship puts their best foot forward. They try to be more than they are. Once they get to the "comfortable" stage of the relationship, their general, basic nature would begin to manifest. When a guy feels that he no longer needs to "work" on a relationship and try to give it his best effort, he'll tend to be more lax about things. Usually the first thing to go is the attention to details. No more car doors being opened for you, etc.

Ask yourself this... do you still love him when he's like that? Can you live with him for the next 50 years when he's like that? Can you be with a man that you feel you are having trouble communicating with?

If your answer is yes, congratulations, you may have found the man you are destined to spend the rest of your life with. The path that lies ahead of you should be clear.

If your answer is no, congratulations, for you know yourself well enough to realize that basic, fundamental differences are inalterable and the root of conflict. The path that lies ahead of you should be clear.

Good luck.
molif
tingkagol wrote:
boys easily forget about the wrong stuff women do to them. however, girls treat mistakes of boys like the bible.


I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU..

she remembers every mistakes tt i did to her.. and i cant remember mine.. shit, tt sure a pretty strong backfire i will receive if we are to argue in future..
laurenrox
Hmmm... well, I just spent 3 weeks at my grandparents house in Alabama, without being able to do anything but talk to him on the phone. My Pawpaw took me to my parents house in Beaufort, SC and I stayed with my parents for a couple of days to spend time with my little brothers. Caleb picked me up yesterday afternoon and took me back to Greenville, SC where we live. He's been a sweetheart since then. I think we just needed to have a little time apart is all. We were both getting frustrated.

But things are good now. He's been a sweetheart since I've gotten back home. In the back of my mind, I'm wondering how long it's going to last. I'm hoping that it does last, and so far, it looks that way. When we first started on the way home I could tell that he really did miss me. I could tell even more once we finally got to the house. Embarassed lol.

On the way home we laughed and cracked jokes almost the whole time and it seems like forever since we've been able to do that with each other. However, I did make a promise to myself that I'd try to be less "nagging"... I understand that he's only human and that he makes mistakes, and I can easily forgive him for them as long as he apologizes.

This is a good example. He has to be in Charlestone (about 3-4 hours away from here) for work from Monday (today) until Friday. They have him in a hotel since he's not going to be able to go home every night (gas is too expensive and he just won't be able to get the sleep he needs to be able to go to work the next day). But anyway, we went to the grocery store yesterday and I asked him if he wanted some brownie ice cream for when he comes home Friday. He was being dead serious and said, "No because by the time I get home you'll have already eaten it all." That was a bit offensive that he would think I would do something like that. I said, "Well that was mean," and went to go get in line at the register. I didn't say anything else to him, and normally (as stupid as it sounds) I would have stayed mad at him and been irraitable the rest of the day. But then he comes behind me and whispers in my ear that he's sorry.

To me, that was a miracle because in the past (even when we were first started dating) he hardly ever apologized for anything he did to hurt my feelings, and when he did, he said it in a way that made me feel like he really wasn't and was just saying to get me to shut up. Almost like he hated to say it. But that wasn't the case yesterday. As long as he keeps apologizing for the things he does wrong, I'll forgive him. He's never done anything REALLY bad like cheated on me or abused me (and I'm positive he never will, that's just his nature), but those are the exceptions to the rule.

But so far so good. I think our problems are finally over.
blackheart
Well, my current boyfriend is particularly articulate... so I don't have the problem of open communication.

How-ever, I've never had a problem talking to guys. So in case things get a little shakey again:

The trick is to remember that a girl will say any given thing in a lot more words than a guy would. And when girls try to shorten down their sentences, they often become too vague - and guys can't pick up on subtley... or they take it the wrong way.

In your first situation, I'd say he was having a bad day, or was already in a bad mood. He obviously prefers that you enjoy yourself, because he didn't say anything sooner.

If you want to talk to him, don't bring the issue up straight away. Talk about something positive, ie start by talking about how he must be tired, start giving him a shoulder rub/massage and then compliment him on his strong shoulders.
Talk normally for at least 10 minutes - just about what-ever. If he seems to be in a good mood, slide it in without being negative. I.e. you want to say "tell me when I'm doing something wrong, and I'll stop", instead say "We don't have to do things my way, let me know what you want and we'll do it".
don't apologise or he'll probably get defensive because he doesn't want to think you feel bad about his earlier snap... or to even admit he got upset earlier. keep the point positive, get some form of acknowlegement from him, then just move on to something else.

He probably was just saying sorry to get you off his back if you confronted him straight up, but if you keep your cool and are nice about it an apology will usually pop out later on, i.e. late at night, etc.

Good to know things are all good now anyway...

Smile
supjapscrapper
well he might just have been stressed that night, and things that he usually stands just to please you made him crazy. I would also act like that, when someone near me just plays some shit music or some rap, I just close my ears, or when someone makes sounds of mastication while eating, though I really find that disgusting, I just try and ignore it. Especially with women, who are usually very sensitive creatures, you can't always tel them what you like or not, and control them, tehy'd get sometimes very sad because of that. so let it be and just love her Very Happy and forget the rest.
tingkagol
molif wrote:
tingkagol wrote:
boys easily forget about the wrong stuff women do to them. however, girls treat mistakes of boys like the bible.


I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU..

she remembers every mistakes tt i did to her.. and i cant remember mine.. shit, tt sure a pretty strong backfire i will receive if we are to argue in future..

that makes two of us.

You know what's the hardest part about having a fight with your girlfriend? They ask you questions like "Am I still your top priority?" or "Do you still love me?" or what-have-you--- and expect an IMMEDIATE answer right then and there.

FACT, ladies: Boys shut their mouths the moment you start asking away those kind of (stupid) questions. So don't get upset if boys fall silent after that.
Bluedoll
Ok! Well, you could tell him “when you get yourself a boyfriend you can play whatever you like?” Sorry about that. Or you could find out what he doesn’t like and play it loud at your place!

I understand what you mean all too well. There may be things on his mind and he either doesn’t want to or isn’t able to express them. Typical for a lot of males. Try talking in soft tones expressing your need for conversation by hinting or in some cases being very direct.

If we get a negative response I like to deal with it immediately but avoid conflict. I suppose we should reward the times when they do open up though.

I think in communication, its knowing we can say anything and live through it. I don’t know. How do you get guys to talk? I’ve tried talking and never shutting up and then leave a big blank spot. As for explaining something like my radio is special to me, I play the dumb blonde and ask questions.
blackheart
Bluedoll wrote:
Ok! Well, you could tell him “when you get yourself a boyfriend you can play whatever you like?” Sorry about that. Or you could find out what he doesn’t like and play it loud at your place!

I understand what you mean all too well. There may be things on his mind and he either doesn’t want to or isn’t able to express them. Typical for a lot of males. Try talking in soft tones expressing your need for conversation by hinting or in some cases being very direct.

If we get a negative response I like to deal with it immediately but avoid conflict. I suppose we should reward the times when they do open up though.

I think in communication, its knowing we can say anything and live through it. I don’t know. How do you get guys to talk? I’ve tried talking and never shutting up and then leave a big blank spot. As for explaining something like my radio is special to me, I play the dumb blonde and ask questions.


I'm sorry to be so pointed with this response Bluebell, but I wouldnt follow your advice at all.

Don't say things to spite him, like asking stupid questions to make a point, or playing your music purely because he won't like it. It's childish, and shouldn't be a part of any relationship.

Note that men can express themselves, just in less words and a lot simpler than in the garble we come out with. Soft tones and subtely often aren't the way - being direct in a smiling light hearted way will work best.

Talking and never shutting up is also not a good idea - you'll be branded a psycho "-" who's always on his back. Also, don't ever dumb yourself down, guys respect intelligence, and girls who are direct in what they want. Telling him whats up without nagging - just stating the fact, kind of thing.
ohene
guy like me don't talk too much it doeasn't mean he is trying to be adamant or selfpreservative but thats our nature.And girls who have such guys as their boyfriends are very lucky because such guys don't cheat and moreover treats girls well.And they are very romantic.
So be easy on him.
bartdou
A TRUE boyfriend should be tolerant to the things you like & he doesn't like
chastise
Maybe's he just afraid that you will get hurt by the things he says, most of the time males forget that women are somewhat more sensitive, and usually tend to go over board.

confront him about it. tell him, ask him.

it never hurts to ask.
Da Rossa
laurenrox wrote:
The hardest problem I have with my boyfriend is getting him to sit down and talk to me. I have no problem with getting him to listen, it's getting him to tell me what he's thinking and how he feels.

Like last night. We were headed home and I was playing a song on the that he didn't particularly like. I've always messed with the radio and played different things, but that particular night, he jumped at me. He told me, "When you get you're own car, you can play whatever you want." I was like, "Okay, why haven't you told me this before? If you had, I would've stopped a long time ago." He gets mad, and by this time, we're in the driveway, so he stomps up the steps to the house and doesn't speak to me until nearly 2 hours later, and even then he acts like it didn't happen.


That's just the way it is. Women are always ready for a discussion about the relationship and the pair. Relationship Discussion (RD) is something that men are not really fond of.

- When the woman is the one who asks for a RD, it means that she's feeling lonely, without the proper attention and careless. She wants a long blablabla that makes her feel more comfortable just with the attention, but actually all she wants is a "I love you".

- When the man proposes a RD, it's generally to criticize her or else draw attention to something that's bothering him.

What you could do? Pretend to be ignoring him for a little while. If the relationship hasn't changed, if it's just a little crisis, then he'll run back to your arms. Of course he may be a proud person, that's for you to figure.

However, keep in mind that there aren't anything more ANNOYING than songs that we don't like. They recall very unpleasant thoughts. If he makes an indirect association between the bad feeling and your character through this song, it may be the end of your relationship.
blackheart
Da Rossa wrote:

That's just the way it is. Women are always ready for a discussion about the relationship and the pair. Relationship Discussion (RD) is something that men are not really fond of.


Never ignore anyone. It's annoying, and the number way to alienate someone from you forever. {Imagine how shitty you'd get if he ignored you Wink}

Guys are more than willing to chat about a relationship if you go about it the right way. Ease in with simple conversation - a compliment, a few short sentences, a laugh and then the question you're interested in.

Appeal to some humour to get the conversation started. I.e. "I know I'm just being a woman, but I was wondering if I could ask you something?"

And not all relationship dicussions guys start are to criticise you. I mean, they might be because he's corncerned about something, but nine times out of ten they won't mean to be offending you - just trying to fix things - and they don't get aggro until you get offended.... because they don't understand why you're offended when they just wanted to let you know they do/don't like it when you do this or that... blah blah blah, etcetera. (I.e. they aren't annoyed at you, but they're just being straight up to fix what's wrong before it's an issue).
mike_phi
I am a guy, and ya its true I do try to tolerate certain things the a lady might like and I dont particularly like, I think girls do allot of that too.
Its the basis of a relationship its called give and take.

None the less the rest of it has got to do with thresholds and thresholds are personal some times so personal that even the person that suddenly explodes does not realise that he/she had reached the limit, the secret there is to try to learn ones selfe as we should never explode, we are aloude to get a bit angry but not to hold a grudge for two hours.


I think if you are a pair you should just chat while times are good about how you feel about various things and try to learn each other and by talking you might even help him to learn himself.

the reason he never spoke about it after words is typical of the silent types personality, he was embarassed by his action and chose to ignore it, I recomend more talking about various issues


cheers
all4me
have you had a heart to heart conversation with him before i am not talking about those time you are talkng with him and his watching the game on BET, i mean a quite time for you both to sit down and talk with no distraction before lights out is better.
Tell him your heart what you feel is right and not right, the good side you really want him to tap into.Explains some( and not all ) your dos and dont.
If your man really i mean really loves you he wont try to shout you down like he did all the time.sometimes we difinatelt are on edge, but we always respect the lady of our heart.
try do talking things out and see where it lands you
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