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Am I being fooled?





just-in
I have few friends who are always with me every now and then and we party regularly... the worst thing happens after we party is that I have to swipe my card for payment.

I used to pay happily because I get some extra income so I don't mind spending some of them for my friends..

But I have noticed that now it has become a regular thing that I have to pay all the time. Meanwhile the number of group members has increased by each friend bringing in his close friends...

Last Saturday it was one of my friends birthday and he announced that he'll give a party and informed everyone.

Then the worst thing happened... once the party began... the birthday boy requests me whether I can share his bill...

I felt really bad... and I have a doubt now whether these guys are really my friends or just want to utilize my money...

What do you think?
Sadow
A difficult situation indeed. If I were you I would go about it like this. Spend your money on other things or open a account for savings and tell your 'friends' you're low on cash lately. And I mean very low on cash. Let them pay for you for a while and see how they react.
Think of multiple excuses to spend your money like maybe say that your parents or a sister needs money because of some debts or something like that. Make sure they won't be able to check if your money is spent on others like family, because if they do find out, they will ditch you for it.
An other option would be (likely the better option) is to ask them to pay for you for a while. Just explain that you ALWAYS pay the bills and it's not fair the way you are being treated. If they are true friends, they will understand your point. If not, just walk away and look for other friends.

I'm not giving you any guarantees on my advice. This is merely how I would treat the situation if I would be in it. I hope your problem is solved soon.
zhuzhu
unfortunately it sounds like they are slightly taking advantage of you...but perhaps not deliberately...the great thing about a true friendship, is that you can talk about anything that concerns you...so why not try bringing it up and seeing what kind of response you get?
sanwixh
Unfortunately you are being taken advantage of, your what we call the "money" and once you get used to someone else always paying for you then people won't even think twice to ask you to pay, heck they'd expect you to pay for them.

Try not paying the bill, and those that'll stay are your friends and those that walk are the ones in it for the free stuff
Azmo
We are a group of friends that does this.. however, it works just fine..

We pay for eachother when others dont have money.. comparing like this.. I pay ur food today, u pay mine tomorrow.. doesnt matter if I spend 20$ on him and he spend 10$ on me that time.. problem.. we are both hungry.. sulution,.. we can both eat.. we dont count money.. we count happy stomache's Smile will turn out pretty fair in the end so doesnt matter..

BUT you always pay.. that's not fair.. my personal opinion is that everyone should pay for themselves.. ofc u can pay for someone sometime.. but not always.. u cant live over your budget.. are ur friends doing this because of you? A true friend don't care if you are rich or poor.. if you eat in a fancy restaurange, hang on clubs every weekend of if you shop in the local store eating pasta every day and almost never go out..

IMO, leave ur creditcard at home.. take some money in your pocket.. for yourself.. spend it on yourself.. and when/if they ask.. you can honestly say that you dont have any money with you.. you just had like 40$ and u alrdy spent it on yourself.. if it turns outt hat they didnt bring any money because they were coutning on you, then you know for sure..

Even if I go out with my best friends.. I always bring money to pay for myself.. and IF I dont have money.. I know that before I go out.. and I'll ask my friend if I can BORROW from him.. or if he can pay this time and I'll pay the next.. that's fair imo..

However,, hope you solve this problem fast or you'll be a poor man.
GSIS
Without a doubt at least some of your 'friends' are using you.

Try leaving your card at home. Take only the cash you can afford to spend. You'll soon find out who your real friends are and the hangers-on will find someone else to pay their bills for them.
Bluedoll
Sorry if this sounds critical but you said it . . . “is that I have to swipe my card for payment.”

How do you feel about this? Obviously you have opened a door and now you must manage it. It may sound cruel but friends can still be friends without passing money around.

You are going to carry this over always to new friends as well if you continue the practice. Your choice is to stop the practice all together or set some guidelines that you are comfortable with. “This is loan, when can you pay it back?” “How about half of what you are asking for.” “I will but from now on consult with me before making purchases.”

YOur question about are you being used? Yes you are. You have become a bank. Oh, by the way, could we get to know each other? There is this small thing I need help with . . .

Laughing
Heart Ticket
just-in wrote:
I have few friends who are always with me every now and then and we party regularly... the worst thing happens after we party is that I have to swipe my card for payment.

I used to pay happily because I get some extra income so I don't mind spending some of them for my friends..

But I have noticed that now it has become a regular thing that I have to pay all the time. Meanwhile the number of group members has increased by each friend bringing in his close friends...

Last Saturday it was one of my friends birthday and he announced that he'll give a party and informed everyone.

Then the worst thing happened... once the party began... the birthday boy requests me whether I can share his bill...

I felt really bad... and I have a doubt now whether these guys are really my friends or just want to utilize my money...

What do you think?


Can i be onest?? i used to pay people to be my friend! but well over time as they got to know me properly (toke a whole year!!) they started to decline my money so i grew out of the whole pay for people phase (i do every now and then, but they do for me to)

My would have to say, cut down on giving them money for a while and watch there reaction... see if there your real friends or if there just hanging around with you because your Mr.Fat Wallet.

Sorry im not much of a help.
Good Luck,

James
brilliantbeauty
They may be taking advantage of you, but don't automatically go on the offensive as it may not be deliberate, you know?

Only take what you plan on spending on yourself, leave your credit card at home. Don't lie to them with fake excuses if they confront you, just say that you feel that you are picking up more than your fair share of the tab, but you will happily pay for yourself.

They have probably just gotten too used to your paying, so it's time to wean them off of it.
starfish2007
well its ahard suation but i had simluar experences in hischool and i perty sure its your frends taking avantage ofit though itmightnot be all of them i relly think you need to site down with them and have a nice talk about it and see what they say
QrafTee
My friends and I are like that too. But we try to get our own bills, if we can we either "donate" or "spot" our friends. Usually the pressure is on those with the jobs. Other times we try to "soften the blow" by contributing what we can.
blue77
There are using you not becouse they don't like you, and becouse thay can. Tell him that you are in financial crisis for a month and you can only pay your bill. And than if everithing is ok, continue to go out with them.
Simulator
Why did you even start spendind your money on these people????? Now i may be a bitch but i rarely spend any money on anyone, tell them to pay for themselves!! why should you have to pay for them?? it makes now sense!! there is absolutely no reason for you to have to pay for them at all!!! if the birthday boy throws a party thats his problem not yours, even if it was his birthday he threw the party he pays for the consequences!!! stop paying for people right this instant!!! its not fair and they can't complain about you stopping!!! they should be thanking you for sticking with it for so goddam long!!!! Next time they pay for you!
greenwoodmonkey
I am going to have to agree with the majority on this one and say your "friends" are almost certainly using you...

I would make a point of "loosing" your wallet next time you all go out and see how quickly they all pay up or only taking a limited amount of money with you...

If they are your REAL friends they will accept it, if they are not they aren't worth bothering about..

If you find they all ditch you why not go out with those you work with who will have a similar incomes so that this never happens again....
bonestorm74
Yes it sounds like they are using you for sure. I've seen this kind of thing happen before though, and people do start to expect it if you do it once or twice. You should discuss this with your friends and see if you can change their expectations, or you'll be doing this forever.
rekluzz
I've read of some lottery winners suffer from something like this. As long as the money is plentiful and the beer is flowing, the "friends" were always there . Once the money was gone, so were the friends. True friends indeed!
Hope your situation is nothing like that and that you manage to solve your dilemma. Sounds like it's time to give that well-used credit card a rest for a while! Good Luck!
greenwoodmonkey
Again, sad but very true... you hear about this all the time....

You need to work out if you want to be with these people before you do anything too hasty though and then think about possible ways to solve the problem.. if you think you can live without them - just come out with it and see what happens, if you would hate to loose their "friendship" be tactful and see if you can resolve and still be friends...

But don't be a mug and don't get into debt because they want to party... if they can't afford to go out, they should stay at home, which is what you will do if your money runs out
Azmo
just be strong.. can help if you talk with those who were ur friends before this started to happen.. those who liked you and appreciated you before u got money.. (if they are in this group that you usually pay for), they will understand for sure and help you talk with the others
dbhai
Sorry to say to you that those are not your friends at all, while you are a damn fool to pay all the bills wether you yourself wanted to give them treat or not, I dont say it to be their fault but it is totally your fault.
Either you have no real friends so in need of friendship you have to pay the bills but the better choice will be to find true friends who are not after your money
jenice
I was in a situation like that once.

I put my foot down. I told them I thought it was a little unfair. They hemmed and hawed and got defensive.

I lost my friends.

Truth of the matter though, they never really were my friends. Would they still be with you if you didn't have the money to support their partying habit?

It's a question well worth asking. Perhaps there's a way for you to test it? Maybe tell them before hand that they're going dutch tonight because you just made a big purchase of some kind.

I wish you the best of luck with it, but you need to guard your heart. Personally? I wouldn't trust them. But then I'm a bit on the jaded side when it comes to things like that.
sopetite
Are you absolutely sure that they're real friends?
Because from what you've written it's quite obvious that even you don't have yourself fooled. If the person's situation is something like he was robbed while having the party, and he can't do anything else than to put on 5 million more layers of skin to even ASK you to pay a single cent from his party because of his deteriorating financial stability, then i don't think there's much problem. But considering how your so-called-friends are treating you, it is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. They are NOT friends, they are shameless people who take advantage when they sniff of kindness from someone else.
StoneColdSoul
Thats just not right. They are obviously using you. Ask them about it, if there really your friends they will tell you upfront and explain. If they giggle it off, you need to find some new friends. You should just not pay for them and see how they react. They should be able to pay for themselves its just not right.
ankur.vatsa
------------------------
SyncM
Real friends dont need money to stay next time forgett your card home and take only littel money to buy your self beer. Then say to all buy me a beer and tell them how many time yoy pay for them. In worst case tell them a white lie that you have big bills this month and no money left.

No you will see if they are real friends or not. and money friends grovs on trees
QrafTee
My friends and I kinda mooch off our friends with jobs. But when I have the money I'll pay them back and such. That and I fix/maintain all my friends' computers, help them with their school-related stuff, and the like.

Sounds like your friends are just using you though... but your friendship will be tested soon enough. For those that are left, well I hope they're the real deal.
tingkagol
just-in wrote:
I have few friends who are always with me every now and then and we party regularly... the worst thing happens after we party is that I have to swipe my card for payment.

I used to pay happily because I get some extra income so I don't mind spending some of them for my friends..

But I have noticed that now it has become a regular thing that I have to pay all the time. Meanwhile the number of group members has increased by each friend bringing in his close friends...

Last Saturday it was one of my friends birthday and he announced that he'll give a party and informed everyone.

Then the worst thing happened... once the party began... the birthday boy requests me whether I can share his bill...

I felt really bad... and I have a doubt now whether these guys are really my friends or just want to utilize my money...

What do you think?

oh ya, you're definitely getting fooled.
bluefossil
There is a saying... if you can't spot the fool at the table, YOU ARE THE FOOL!!!! FOOLIO!!
Da Rossa
just-in wrote:
I have few friends who are always with me every now and then and we party regularly... the worst thing happens after we party is that I have to swipe my card for payment.

I used to pay happily because I get some extra income so I don't mind spending some of them for my friends..

But I have noticed that now it has become a regular thing that I have to pay all the time. Meanwhile the number of group members has increased by each friend bringing in his close friends...

Last Saturday it was one of my friends birthday and he announced that he'll give a party and informed everyone.

Then the worst thing happened... once the party began... the birthday boy requests me whether I can share his bill...

I felt really bad... and I have a doubt now whether these guys are really my friends or just want to utilize my money...

What do you think?


Evidently you're being fooled. Even friends can take advantage of us. You should impose yourself. It's about shyness, I know, but in the first time you say NI, you'll become more respected. And from this point on, you will be able to decide whether it's fair or not to share the bill. Also, you can invite your friends for a 'reunion'. In it, you should look in everyone's eyes and tell them that it's just not right. Maybe one of them, maybe all, maybe none back off and cease the "friendship" with you. This is the time you realize who your friends really are.

This is not difficult, believe me. That's that simple.
livilou
Unfortunately, I have to go with the majority on this one. They may not be doing it deliberately, but they are taking advantage of you, but you have to realize that you set yourself up for it. Do what everyone else is suggesting, quit paying for everyone except yourself and see what happens. Don't give false excuses, but I wouldn't state the full truth either. If nothing else, make sure you have only enough to cover what you feel you yourself need and then you can honestly say that you're short on funds but don't try to explain why. It's none of their business anyway.
cavey
I don't think that your friends only like you for your money. But if a friend always pays, it's easy to get used to it. You all probably do things that they couldn't do if they had to pay for themselves.

You should be honest. Say that you must think of the future, yourself, and would prefer if you have done your share of picking up the bill for others. Your friends will of course understand. The ones that do not understand... well... they weren't friends in the first place.
mawfia
I was in a similar circumstance the only difference being that I always drove. Not such a big deal since it was only on weekends but the drive was around 40 miles each way. A group of us would drive to D.C. (from Quantico VA) and usually to save money we would drive back instead of getting a hotel room. We'll when I had decided that I had enough two of the three guys that would always ride with me magically stopped going with us on weekends.
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