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I need to know if this is normal





madc0w
Hey folks.

My wife and I have been married for less than 2 years now and already it feels as though the relationship has just gone downhill. It's very hard for us to spend more than a few hours together without arguing about something. It always feels like we're competing against each other (who's right and all that jazz). We seem to disagree on everything. We don't get very intimate anymore, sexual or otherwise. We almost never cuddle or even sit close anymore and it's usually 1 to 2 months inbetween times of sex.

Over the past several years that we've been together, she just seems to have a complete lack of ambition for anything. She comes home from her job where she doesn't do anything physical, and complains afterward of how tired she is. She will come home, change into sweats and sit on the couch all night watching TV until it's time to go to bed. I've tried many different things to get her more active and if I even get her to partake, it's only for a few short days before she gives up on it and falls back into her same routine.

We have trouble visiting with friends because she always wants to leave early so she can sit back home again. Not to mention it's always a struggle to not argue about something in front of our friends.

Then I also feel like she constantly feels the need to correct me on everything, whether I've said something wrong or she feels I've done something I shouldn't have or in a wrong way. It feels sometimes that she acts more a mother figure to me than a wife.

I've tried to confront her about all of this at different times it always ends up in a huge argument because she says it's all in my head.

Am I just being insecure and imagining this kind of stuff or is this really something I should be concerned about? We've even considered counceling but we never can motivate ourselves enough to go through with it.
brokenbells
I dont know how long you folks went out out before you go married. But this is what happens when the initial charm of being attracted comes to an end. In the begining you always find each other attaractive and interesting. Then it i human nature to move on. Its in our genes.

What she now becomes is a friend.....abuddy. Understand this, in the begining you guys would go out on a date, do interesting things, and couldnt wait to get to each other. But now you live together, and take each other for granted.there is no more surprise anymore. And life is the same boring thing, before you met each other.

What you need to do is come out with a surprise. Bring her chocolates from work (one with rum filled in them....they are always do a sure job), bring her favourite flowers, and if you dont know them, daisies and tulips usually are pretty and delicate. Plan out a surprise holiday. Maybe a weekend out in a farmhouse, outside the city. Take her out in the pretext of, maybe visiting some friend of yours, and the surprise is when she asks where you are going.....sometime after you are out of the city.

Make a baby. That definately works for relationships running out of steam.

Remember buddy, you are going through a perfectly normal phase. Everyone, or atleast most of them go through it. It may be before or after they get married.

She is in real want of building memories, of a happy together. Do it for her, and you will love each other more. Smile
Captain Fertile
brokenbells wrote:

Make a baby. That definately works for relationships running out of steam.


Shocked NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

@brokenbells
You said a number of things in your post I didn't agree with (my wife would throw rum (or any alcohol) filled chocolates away rather than eat them) but they were nothing compared to your statement that having a baby always fixes a broken relationship - this is singularly the worst and potentially most harmful piece of advice I have yet to read on FriHost.

What if things can't be fixed? Not just 2 lives messed up but a third (totally innocent) life screwed up too!!!! I wouldn't even suggest a couple having problems with their marriage get a dog together never mind bring a child into the mix!!! Mad
brokenbells
well,
its not about rum chocolates or babies. Its just an idea works for many, dumps for some.

Women look for commitment, hes there always, kinda outlook.

What his woman needs change from the everyday -goto office at nine-comeback at five- watch tv- and go to sleep- humdrum of life.

There may be totally different things his wife likes, that he may want to surprise her, by breaking the monotony of everyday life.
Nae_splash
-laughs- Captain Fertile put in good words there. I definetly would NOT suggest having a child if there having troubles. I hate to admit it but maybe you guys shouldn't be together? I'm only a senior in highschool and don't know much about marriage but that might be the best choice.

~Nae
bonestorm74
Agreed that a baby is not the way to fix things.

I wouldn't say that the relationship is doomed though. Relationships need nurturing and care or they will die, this is true of any relationship. Maybe you could seek some counselling to try to get to the bottom of it all. If you both care enough, you can make it work. Good luck.
Kyraxe
maybe there is just nothing that he can do. Maybe she is bored of him, and just is not sure how to deal with that fact, not sure how to communicate it to him.
Chris24
Sounds to me like she has a depression issue, and maybe it isn't him. He stated that even when they do go out she wants to leave in order to go home and I guess do nothing but watch TV. That statement right there is your red flag waving right in front of your face. She has most of the symptoms, but I wish you luck in getting her help for this. Won't be easy unless you make her realize it and maybe she will go on her own...

Good Luck
prole
Chris24 wrote:
Sounds to me like she has a depression issue, and maybe it isn't him. He stated that even when they do go out she wants to leave in order to go home and I guess do nothing but watch TV. That statement right there is your red flag waving right in front of your face. She has most of the symptoms, but I wish you luck in getting her help for this. Won't be easy unless you make her realize it and maybe she will go on her own...

Good Luck


Yesterday I was reminded of something kind of familiar when reading madc0w's story... it just didn't bring out or come to my mind what it was at that moment and I wasn't sure about it:

Now I get and think that it is, if not must be a depression issue. At least has an element of it in.

Lack of motivations to go out for many things...liking to stay indoor at home...being tired easily...getting bored easily...and probably getting impatient and indifferent and angry easily as well at times...which now I realized I've been having them also, for long time.

If. Only if that is really her case, then she really needs help, as soon as possible. The sooner the better. Of course, caring for her and being considerate AND communication, which in my opinion are the most important of all.

----Edit----

Just wanted to share a bit more.

madc0w wrote:
Then I also feel like she constantly feels the need to correct me on everything, whether I've said something wrong or she feels I've done something I shouldn't have or in a wrong way. It feels sometimes that she acts more a mother figure to me than a wife.

I've tried to confront her about all of this at different times it always ends up in a huge argument because she says it's all in my head.


What you wrote about, the same thing happened in my life as well. I guess I understand and know how she feels. She definitely didn't do it with a bad intention. It's just kinda like compulsive for certain people to correct and criticize for what [no matter petty or big] matters that they see important.

What you need is understanding, and extreme tolerance, if you really love her. Without it, nothing would work. And do not say things like 'nagging nonstop', or 'annoying' or 'shut up' or anything like that to make things even worse.

Wish your wife and you good luck.
SyncM
I think she is depressed if she only was tired or burn out. If she only was tierd of the realtionship she would be running out with friends all the time and work over and so one. My best advice is to take her to proffesional help. But also think over what you are doing in the relationship have she a reason to be angry one you?

Try to take walks its activate you boths and you can talk. Often its lay a bigger thing behind every argue its not aboute you havent take out the garbags its about something bigger. Try to talk and talk. Explian how you fell in a very kind way like suprise her with dinner and flower and se how she react. If she still want to go to TV you have big problems.

Last way break the TV. But serch proffesional help you can least go to one and get advice how you should handel a depression. But dont psuh her it will only make it worst
shamy
I think i could help , I have some solution , you can go far for awhile and remember the days before get married , you can feel love get high again , love will solve all of your problems ....
madc0w
Chris24 wrote:
Sounds to me like she has a depression issue...


Wow, Chris, you hit it right on the nose. Turns out, I wasn't the only person that noticed this about my wife. After we discussed it, several of our close friends had an intervention with her, which helped because mutual friends can offer an unbiased opinion which she would take more seriously. And of course she was in denial at first, but then she came to terms finally with the fact that it could really be a depression issue that she would need professional help with.

I found out that she used to seek counsel weekly and that she was also formerly prescribed anti-depressants. She went back to a doctor and he put her back on Lexapro (anti-depressant). She's been on it for a while now and it's already starting to make a world of difference. Not only has it lightened her mood, which has lifted a huge strain off of our relationship, but it's also given us the opportunity address some of the other issues in our relationship without the conversation turning into a dramatic mess.

As it turns out, the problem was much worse than I expected. She admitted to me that she was even starting to have suicidal thoughts. That scares the hell out of me. What also scares me is what might happen if she stops taking her pills for some reason and has a crash in the other direction. I think she needs to seek counsel again but it's just so expensive.

I would like to thank everyone that replied to this. I really appreciate the help and advice. Smile
blue77
God man. How old are you?

My parrents are in the same situation.

As I see it you have a serious problems. Maybe you have to turn of TV and play some games, why not and sexual ones.
The work realy frustrates people and almost this who take it serious. It's a problem in every relationship.
Try to agree about everything she says just for few days. It may seems to be not the best solution, but people realise some things when thay have nothing to argue about.
The kids will not solve your current problems, they will create new.
genchan
madcow, glad you managed to identify the problem with your wife from the help of friends. at least now you know the problem is not about you or the marriage. but taking pills will only help control the depression, I don't think its going to solve it, not to mention the side effects. you probably have to work things out with your wife, identify the problem that led her into depression. This could even mean changing jobs.
but try getting her to work out on a regular basis if she has not being doing so. slouching on the couch and popping pills is definitely not going to help her improve. i hope things will brighten up for you and your wife Smile
urbanbuddha
She does sound depressed... Ah, someone beat me to it~

I hope things work out though. She needs your support now more than ever. I wish you two the best of luck!
Bluedoll
Your question is it normal, my answer yes. It sounds like most people who find out that when you live with someone else you discover things about them, some good some bad. You are in a process, it may take a while to evolve. Getting through things by communication is the only way.

The most common problem encountered by couples is that they see things in their mate that they wish they could change but that is impossible and unreasonable in some areas and possible in others if the individual in question wants to change. I would suggest for you to change yourself rather than try to get your spouse to change. You can’t change someone else but only influence them. Arguments will occur but how you manage them is another question. Always remember it takes two to argue but healthy discussion (privately) is healthy.

Don’t worry too much about the sex thing it fluctuates with everyone single or married so just go with the flow. The real focus should be on how you get along and how you accept each other for who they really are. Both of you should do that. Its normal people take years sometimes their whole life to develop relationships but of course its a lot better if its fun and we can laugh at our mistakes after we have corrected them. We are all human. That’s my viewpoint anyway. Good luck with it!
Chris24
madc0w wrote:
Chris24 wrote:
Sounds to me like she has a depression issue...


Wow, Chris, you hit it right on the nose. Turns out, I wasn't the only person that noticed this about my wife. After we discussed it, several of our close friends had an intervention with her, which helped because mutual friends can offer an unbiased opinion which she would take more seriously. And of course she was in denial at first, but then she came to terms finally with the fact that it could really be a depression issue that she would need professional help with.

I found out that she used to seek counsel weekly and that she was also formerly prescribed anti-depressants. She went back to a doctor and he put her back on Lexapro (anti-depressant). She's been on it for a while now and it's already starting to make a world of difference. Not only has it lightened her mood, which has lifted a huge strain off of our relationship, but it's also given us the opportunity address some of the other issues in our relationship without the conversation turning into a dramatic mess.

As it turns out, the problem was much worse than I expected. She admitted to me that she was even starting to have suicidal thoughts. That scares the hell out of me. What also scares me is what might happen if she stops taking her pills for some reason and has a crash in the other direction. I think she needs to seek counsel again but it's just so expensive.

I would like to thank everyone that replied to this. I really appreciate the help and advice. Smile


Madcow,

I am glad I was able to help out. I spoke from my own personal experiences. This will take time to get sorted out and get back to some kind of normalcy. You guys need to get out of the house, even if it is just for a walk around the block HOLDING hands. It will bring you closer and get her mind off of the things that were controlling her thoughts.

What she also needs is your patience, love and caring. Do not blow up at her. Deal with it, take a breathe, and talk in a loving manner. If she does not wish to talk, don't push it. Just ask her to go out somewhere, anywhere. If the two of you get through this your relationship will only be that much stronger do to the intimacy (no not sexual) you have shared with each other. If you love her that much this should all be worth it.

As for the escalating cost, if you have medical insurance check on the status of mental health coverage. Search around I am sure you will find a doctor or therapist who will accept your insurance. It might take some work but there are some out there.

If you ever need to talk pm me, I know how hard it is in dealing with this. I will listen. And make sure she takes her meds. it will help, not right away but it takes time for them to get in the system and work.

Good luck and God bless. Patience Patience Patience.....
tijn01
Your first msitake was getting married!
No only joking, but certainly do not have a baby in this situation, if you can't talk to your wife then there is something really wrong, if she doesn't want to go out and live then theres something really wrong....
rheanna
Time to move on..That's how it started with my x and I...Don't waste your life
Azmo
rheanna wrote:
Time to move on..That's how it started with my x and I...Don't waste your life


Agree to that, move on, life it to short not to.
varon
Azmo wrote:
rheanna wrote:
Time to move on..That's how it started with my x and I...Don't waste your life


Agree to that, move on, life it to short not to.


Eh? Is their relationship over? Smile I would pray not. Before "moving on," I suggest exhausting all options first. But I think things are looking up and I pray you guys (madc0w and his wife) stay married. The divorce rate is so high these days, it's nice to see couples making it work though it can be hell some (or most?) times.
bongoman
I would get back to the reason why the two of you got together in the first place, try surprising her with a romantic gesture and remind her what it was like when you first got together. There seems to be an issue of communication going on, and maybe she is depressed maybe she isn't but you're never going to find that out unless you try to explore these issues, Talk to her, but don't make any judgments just take a moment to listen, and you may get the urge to object to something she says but DON'T just give her time to finish talking, let yourself consider what she's telling you and never say anything in the heat of the moment, and sometimes its good to have someone that can listen to their problems, and someone to vent on.
calicamper
Azmo wrote:
rheanna wrote:
Time to move on..That's how it started with my x and I...Don't waste your life


Agree to that, move on, life it to short not to.



Attitudes like this are why the divorce rate in the US is so high:
Quote:
Likelihood of new marriages ending in divorce in 1997: 43%


http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml

Just because something bad happens doesn't mean you should cut and run. Remember why you got together in the first place, and have patience. Try to figure out the root of the problem and fix it. That's not wasting your life. If all you do is chase relationships that are amazing and trouble free all the time you will find that you have wasted your life and will probably end up alone.

Just my two cents.
rheanna
Rolling Eyes

Why live in unhealthy relationship? It will just bring you down then you go into a depression.

Common sense-If your not happy, then time to look for another person who will make you happy.
glenn83e
rheanna wrote:
Rolling Eyes

Why live in unhealthy relationship? It will just bring you down then you go into a depression.

Common sense-If your not happy, then time to look for another person who will make you happy.


Is it just me, or do I agree with everything that you say? LOL

It is true that if you are not happy with the person that you are with, that you should try and find someone who you are happy with, however in this case it is normal. I have been in relationships where the cuddling has come to an end and so on. What you need to do is try and come up with a plan. Show her that you still care and that the magic is still there. One day when she is out with friends or at work set up a nice candle lit dinner or even take her out for dinner. I am sure that things will change after that... If not, then yea I guess it would be time to move on.
agustin
I think is time to move on... The answer is inside of you... on what you really feel about your situation... If you really love her... just try to make the relationship better... I dont know how can you do that but I tell you that you have to do what think you must do and will be better for both of you!
Chris24
So in other words you guys are saying abandon your relationship and leave the person you still love high and dry due to the fact she is depressed?

Come on now, is this really what it comes to? If you were hurtin and depressed and you couldn't do anything about it but seek help and get on meds and your spouse left you how in the world do you think you would feel. Suicidal? more depressed?

Sorry, but I couldn't just leave the person I was married to when she was going through such a difficult time. Stay, see what happens when she feels better then see where your relationship is at. If it is still no good then leave, but don't just leave because the other person is sick (basically that is what she is)
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