First stage: Learning to Move On

jenice

After almost twelve years my marriage is over. It's been an interesting ride for the past four and a half months, and I guess I'm still trying to figure some things out.

A friend told me that he was better off to leave, for the both of us. He said in the beginning that I need to re-evaluate my goals and life and see where he fits in. If our lives no longer mesh, and with the way things were emotionally between us, that it was best to let him leave.

So I let him leave. He's still waiting for me to make the next move. He tried to get me to agree to a divorce, but I'm still insisting I don't want to talk about it.

I think I'm afraid to finally say it's over for sure. I know I can't do it anymore because the trust is gone. Anything left was gone the minute he left me the way he did. Then with his past affairs, there is no going back for us.

It's still hard to make such changes in my life. After twelve years I have to learn for just myself again.

I dread the day when I have to start dating again.

I guess my point to all of this is how anyone else in this situation deals with it all. I have people to talk to and everything, people here to support me throughout it all, but sometimes it just feels like too much.

Any comments from those of you who've been here before?

imera

I can’t say I have been in the same situation as you, but I have felt the same.

I got together with my first boyfriend when I was 15, and that lasted 3 years. When we split up I had a hard time, but I told myself it was for the best. I think he was lying to me about different things. What was worse than splitting up was that I haven’t had any contact with him since, I love him, as a friend. But that chapter is closed and burned, so no going back. My second boyfriend was better I think, even if we did last only six months. What I love about this relationship is that we are still friends. We were not working together because we were to different, but I am glad to experience him.
Even if it’s not the same, I’m not far away.

About you being afraid of dating… after my last relationship I decided to not be dating or looking for anyone as long as I don’t find someone that I might see having a future with. I could have tried some of my offers, from other boys, but they were to young (in their mind) I don’t think they were ready to settle down. After I stopped looking for anyone I decided to try the chat to just get my mind of that and get friends. I have actually found the perfect guy there, yay. So for you being afraid, I would say, if someone invites you on diner, don’t be afraid to say no, you might enjoy your self. And if your not happy about that person you can just say no.

And don’t be afraid of being alone, if you ever feel real down you could just call some of your friends or family and go out and do something, bowling, movies, and other fun stuff.

arjay

This is more than a post. This is a reflection to what life and relationships can be. What is really a relationship? How do we go about it before, during, and after? As much as Jenice is still trying to figure some things out, I , in my limited understanding of marital relationship, am very much interested in the ‘right’ manner of closing a relationship. Her post opened the window to my other curiosities…

After 12 years of marriage, suddenly it’s over. I have been deeply thinking about this post for the past week or more. I want to make a reply that is capable of unburdening the break-up in a 12-year relationship. But I guess I need to accept my limitation, only people who have gone through the same route can give worthy reply. And one of those persons is Imera. Only a person of profound experience in closures can give accurate replies.

Jenice, you have to move on. You have done your part to save your relationship. It is time to put everything to a close and leave all behind. Start by improving, without blaming, yourself. There must be a weakness somewhere. Make that area stronger now. Think about, and for, the future more than the past.

You have to regain the love you have for yourself before you can consider successful dating. Love will always be lovelier the second time around. And I know, with your emotional strength now, you will be looking for a more stable relationship in the future.
As long as love never leaves your heart, you will always find a better partner. Heartaches are there to give more meaning to our lives. Without them, we will not appreciate the beautiful side in our lives. Smile

Again, I know the limitation of this humble post. But it comes from the sane heart and mind, and is also a product of my experiences in this very complicated area in our lives – love and relationships.

Closure is one particular topic that may take years and years for us to fully comprehend, device success formula, and be able to adopt in every break-up positively. This is an area we need to learn more.

Thank you Jenice and Imera for your posts that opened a lot of eyes to the fact that, no matter how we feel in control of a situation, we are really not.