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I can't have meaningful relationships anymore





rightclickscott
I have quite a big problem, now, when it comes to having relationships with women. It seems that I've become too dependent on them, and, when I break up with a girl, I try to go to the next one I see. This causes a lot of problems, especially when it comes to new relationships. I mean, my latest relationship with the singer of the band Conditions of Neutral lasted only 5 days.

Why have I become so dependent?

Why can't I have meaningful relationships?

It's because the only two girls I believe I could ever have a meaningful relationship with have broken up with me. One of them being the best one I've ever had, whom I even posted a picture up on Frihost. Her name is Allison, and she was a guitarist and actor who just wants to be friends with me, but I still have strong feelings for her. The other is an Asian doll whom I've grown very very close to, in fact, I'm the most important person to her in Middletown. Her name is Ashley, and she doesn't want to be anymore than just friends with me. Obviously, I am still close to both of these girls, and I have strong feelings for both of them, but I can't be with either one. Otherwise, I've just been asking girls out at random, hoping it works out, which it never does. Anyone got any good advice?
Aredon
Well I have a strong belief in a "friends first" policy, becuase it usualy creates better relationships. In general I have found that the more you look for it the more it will evade your grasp. For now be content with your friends, perhaps one of them will recognize you as someone they want to be with. Or perhaps a completely new person will enter your life. None can actualy predict it, but I know for years I searched for a girl to have a relationship with. When I finaly gave up searching no more than 2 weeks later I found the girl I am currently with now. Try to be content with yourself and what you have now, I know its not easy. As a friend of mine said "Girls totaly want guys that are not looking for anyone, even if they don't say that they aren't interest, its some sort of magnatism"

I hope that lends some help to you. I've been in a similar situation where both the girls I liked had explicitly told me no for their own reasons, which hurt, and for a while it was realy hard to be their friends again. Over time I grew back into them I supose, I stoped looking and found what I had given up on. I hope this helps you Wink.
wilan
Perhaps it's a sign you need to take a break from relationships? Rebounding back and forth from previous relationships isn't good and won't end unless you take a breather and re-adjust your thinking and perspective. Remember life isn't all about relationships, when your not in one - try and enjoy what you couldn't when you were in a relationship. Past relationships are always painful, but just try and not look back at them all the time - easier said than done really - only time can heal any past wounds and your not giving yourself time at the moment which is why your catapulting yourself into these "meaningless" relationships. Try and take up a hobby or something, just something to keep you occupied and let some time pass before trying to go for another relationship.
love2infekt
I know what you mean and how you feel cause I was also in the same way with the relationships and how they turned out bad and negative. But over the years, I started to become immune to the world cause I have seen and experienced so many hardships with love and relationships. I basically leaned away but not all completely... I just try to become someone's friend and if they like me and I like them then I see where it goes slowly. Just know and remember that love can be a great thing but also a deadly thing if dealt wrong. You have to go through so much pain and suffering to find that one or that one that finds you and relieves you.
Obake
Hi Rightclickscott,

I'm going to back up wilan here and say that it might be a good idea for you to try to be by yourself for a while and regain your equilibrium a little. If you've still got strong feelings for past flames, then you need to get yourself past that before you're going to be able to find meaning in other relationships. I've been in that position before, and it was horrible and it took me more than a year to work through. But I did, and at the end of that year, I met a wonderful girl and I'm moving interstate soon to be closer to her. It's a matter of pulling yourself back into a frame of mind that lets you appreciate other people again, and a part of that is appreciating that no one's worth--including your own--is based on whether they're attached to someone or not.

There's a bunch of stuff you can do to get there. wilan suggests a hobby; I know I read an awful lot just after my first break-up. If you've got anything like that--any kind of pastime that you can just slide into and let yourself forget the world for a while--that might help. A lot of people spend lots of time going out with friends (who are not exes or unrequited crushes) just after a break-up. Talking helps, too, if you've got anyone nearby who'll listen. And give yourself time to be alone and actually feel whatever heartbreak or anger or fear you have. It's hard, but it'll pass sooner if you don't let it fester.

Hell, buy a padlocked diary and write some bad poetry, if that's what you need. You can always burn the evidence later.

I want to point out, too, that pursuing random girls is probably not a good way to hit upon a meaningful relationship. Your post makes it seem like these girls are basically your way of distracting yourself from who you really want (do let me know if I'm misinterpreting here). Of course you're going to have difficulty finding meaning in those sorts of relationships. There is also the fact that people--male and female alike--like to be with people who want to be with them: if girls are sensing that you're still torn up over something that's past, then I wouldn't blame them for being disappointed that you weren't exactly in the relationship for them.

Finally, something my mother told me when I was pulling my mope-a-minute over the first break-up: every relationship has an expiry date.

I really resented that when she said it, but the point isn't for you to hurry up and get over it. It's that, even though every relationship eventually ends (one way or another), the time you had together doesn't suddenly become meaningless because it's over. And the time you have to look forward to in other relationships can't be rendered meaningless by a past one, either. How can you know what's to come, standing where you are now? Keep moving forward, and you'll find something or someone that's worth it again.

I really do hope that any of this at all is helpful to you. Good luck.
m00tmuffin
I agree with the first reply--to have a solid romantic relationship, I think you have to be good friends to begin with. From what you said in your post, I think you also have to learn how to be comfortable with being alone and by yourself and stop defining yourself by whatever relationship you're in. You have to learn how to be okay with just being single and by yourself...it isn't a horrible disease, or anything. Relationships takes a lot of work and no woman wants to be with someone who is insecure about who they are and who is overly needy. Being in a relationship won't fix anything, and it just might make it all worse, so get your stuff sorted out before you hop back into a new romance.
cocobirdi
Quote:
I have quite a big problem, now, when it comes to having relationships with women. It seems that I've become too dependent on them, and, when I break up with a girl, I try to go to the next one I see. This causes a lot of problems, especially when it comes to new relationships. I mean, my latest relationship with the singer of the band Conditions of Neutral lasted only 5 days.

Why have I become so dependent?

Why can't I have meaningful relationships?

It's because the only two girls I believe I could ever have a meaningful relationship with have broken up with me. One of them being the best one I've ever had, whom I even posted a picture up on Frihost. Her name is Allison, and she was a guitarist and actor who just wants to be friends with me, but I still have strong feelings for her. The other is an Asian doll whom I've grown very very close to, in fact, I'm the most important person to her in Middletown. Her name is Ashley, and she doesn't want to be anymore than just friends with me. Obviously, I am still close to both of these girls, and I have strong feelings for both of them, but I can't be with either one. Otherwise, I've just been asking girls out at random, hoping it works out, which it never does. Anyone got any good advice?


my advice for you: STAY SINGLE. nothing will do you better than to learn to be your own person. being single is fun because you can enjoy folks' company and get to meet girls who might or might not be great. if you sit back for a while you really get to discover what you do and don't want. i understand that it's difficult to make the transition from dependant relationship to single, but if you just wean yourself from your dependency, and stay single for a while, i really do think you'll become quite happy with the results Smile
rightclickscott
When it comes down to it, I'm not really all that torn up about it. There were only two that hurt me a whole lot. Briana, when she became psychotic and started making my life a living hell after we'd been going out for so long, and Allison, who I feel is just plain perfect for me. When it comes to Ashley, over the time you've guys posted, I've grown out of her. I don't really have any love for her. We're still good friends, but I just don't really desire her anymore. Now, I still want to ask girls out, not hoping to have a long term relationship, but more just going on a date, because dates are always fun. If I meet someone I really like, then I'll go for it. Otherwise, if I can ever get the chance to get back together with Allison, I'd take it immediately. However, I'm not going to show her that I have feeling for her, I just want to act like a friend to her. I can stay single, but I just feel a lot better knowing there's someone who cares about me.
Linda_B
I'm having trouble having a meaningful relationship just because I'm on the move so much. Everytime I get into something, I already know it will end a few months later just because I'll be moving country again. It's my own fault, since I'm not forced to, but it's affected me in the way that I can't really take anything too seriously. I don't fall in love, I just enjoy the comfort. Don't know, we'll see what happens... for the moment I have another 6 months.
xkobram
Linda_B wrote:
I'm having trouble having a meaningful relationship just because I'm on the move so much. Everytime I get into something, I already know it will end a few months later just because I'll be moving country again. It's my own fault, since I'm not forced to, but it's affected me in the way that I can't really take anything too seriously. I don't fall in love, I just enjoy the comfort. Don't know, we'll see what happens... for the moment I have another 6 months.


Just wasting lifes of others?
Aredon
rightclickscott wrote:
When it comes down to it, I'm not really all that torn up about it. There were only two that hurt me a whole lot. Briana, when she became psychotic and started making my life a living hell after we'd been going out for so long, and Allison, who I feel is just plain perfect for me. When it comes to Ashley, over the time you've guys posted, I've grown out of her. I don't really have any love for her. We're still good friends, but I just don't really desire her anymore. Now, I still want to ask girls out, not hoping to have a long term relationship, but more just going on a date, because dates are always fun. If I meet someone I really like, then I'll go for it. Otherwise, if I can ever get the chance to get back together with Allison, I'd take it immediately. However, I'm not going to show her that I have feeling for her, I just want to act like a friend to her. I can stay single, but I just feel a lot better knowing there's someone who cares about me.

Sounds like your situation did improve, I hope we were of help Smile
That is also the hard part, feeling like anyone cares about you. Luckily I'm sure you'll find a friend or twelve (thats right, twelve, for no aparent reason) that care about you. The problem is when the human mind gets depressed it likes to stay depressed and sometimes ignore very positive things just to feel miserable. I catch myself doing that all the time. Try to be more confident, I know its hard. Sometimes forcing yourself to be happy, can actualy make you happy.
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