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Secrets of the good relationships





blue77
I got in a discussion with a coworker about what the secrets to a healthy, long relationship is (she's happily married for almost 15 years so I think she's probably a good resource for discussing something like this)...

Hers? Making sure your partner is ultimately your best friend.

Mine? A Sense of humor! If you're constantly serious about EVERYTHING in a relationship...it becomes stressful and you end up sweating the small stuff...it's much easier to laugh it off and make a joke when it's really not THAT big of a deal.

I also think communication is important.

What about you? What do you think is a secret to "making it work"?
Linda_B
I hope this also is an "answer back for more help" kind of thread, just because I'm in desperate need of this advice.

It's all good to have good humor and get along fine with a person, but in the beginning, when you don't know each other very well, how do you start a conversation "where are we and what in the world is happening" when the relationship is supposed to be casual and moving along slowly... ? I'm just confused.
supjapscrapper
hehe ... I do not think the same things work for many people at all ...
humour ... it's got to be my favourite when it come to a relationship, not to take small things too seriously .... but ... to much humour can kill it, i do realy believe in the fact that for the relationship to be intensive enough, there has got to be a minimum oconflict moments .. perhaps it's my mediterranean temperament but, I cannot see it without passion, and believe me, the sexual one tís the shortest-lived one... being your best friend? could work, although I don't know if this has real something to do with the real passion of love, honestly, if you think he's your lover AND your best friend, then believe me , you more than probably walked pass your real love and didn't see it ...
newlife~
blue77 wrote:
I got in a discussion with a coworker about what the secrets to a healthy, long relationship is (she's happily married for almost 15 years so I think she's probably a good resource for discussing something like this)...

Hers? Making sure your partner is ultimately your best friend.

Mine? A Sense of humor! If you're constantly serious about EVERYTHING in a relationship...it becomes stressful and you end up sweating the small stuff...it's much easier to laugh it off and make a joke when it's really not THAT big of a deal.

I also think communication is important.

What about you? What do you think is a secret to "making it work"?


<newlife~t> I'm with your friend ... but then the next question is, What does it mean to be a best friend? I think what you said about humor and communication are a definite part of it.

There's a scene in that movie with Matt Damon and Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting, where Sean (Williams's character) is telling Will about his wife who died from cancer. He tells Will that the things he remembers are the strange little things that they had together.

With my wife, one memory that always brings a laugh is a vacation we had taken to western Massachusetts.

Since it was close to summer, we thought our dog could just sleep in the car, but by the time night fell, it got pretty cold and we felt bad for him. So we shoved our poor animal (a shitzu) into a duffle bag, and smuggled him into the motel room.

That first night as we were getting ready for bed, we suddenly hear this whimpering by the door. I was on the opposite side of the room and my jaw dropped when I saw that he was about to crouch.

In half a heartbeat, I ran across the room.

I don't know what I was trying to accomplish by picking him up at that very moment, but I did--I grabbed him just as he was pushing a good one out!

And as I yanked him up off the floor, my wife ducked, and his poop sailed, in a perfect arc, all the way from the door to the far wall.

***

All we have to say to eachother is, "Flying Poop," and my wife and I are flooded with that memory.

I think when it comes down to it--it's not the things that other people can see, that indicates a good relationship--it's the things that are private (or at least begin as private) that two people share that make the difference between a good relationship and one that is simply two people occupying the same living space.
newlife~
Linda_B wrote:
I hope this also is an "answer back for more help" kind of thread, just because I'm in desperate need of this advice.

It's all good to have good humor and get along fine with a person, but in the beginning, when you don't know each other very well, how do you start a conversation "where are we and what in the world is happening" when the relationship is supposed to be casual and moving along slowly... ? I'm just confused.


<newlife~t>The best advice I can give is to try your best not to look for a relationship. I know it's a difficult thing to do, so I'll add this ... try to find whatever it is in life that will fulfill you as an individual and that will bring you into community with like-minded others.

It's one thing to find your passion and pursue it--but if that's all you do, then you can feel very lonely. One of the things I like to do is write, but that's very isolating. So imagine if my career was writing ... then my lovelife would totally be at risk because I imagine it would be too easy to just stay at my computer and write, or walk around by myself observing people and living in my own head. Then when I couldn't stand the loneliness anymore, end up in some unfulfilling relationship that would just add fuel for further writing once things got sour.

What I would have to do is join writers' groups, or go to workshops, or attend classes to help curb the loneliness. And then (without looking) I might just hope to meet that special someone.

Good Luck!
Subsonic Sound
I am only 20, and can't claim a decades-long marriage as many here can. But my current relationship is going fantastically, at over a year and a half. Marriage isn't an immediate priority or anything, but we both acknowledge it as a possibility.

And I can't agree more - sense of humour, communication.

Even before we got together I loved hanging out with her. We can always make each other laugh, ok just about any subject.

And as far as communication goes, one of the things that makes us work so well is that we never argue. Any argument we have is over trivial stuff, and is usually carried out while stifling laughter. For instance, the latest one was over the pronunciation of 'privacy'.

This isn't to say we avoid the serious issues, but we address them calmly in rational discussion, and as such we both get our viewpoints heard, and more often than not we solve the problem.

I used to get a touch cynical when someone said that love would find you - but now I couldn't agree more. The kind of connection needed to make a really good serious relationship work is the kind of thing you won't find by getting smashed in a club and grabbing the first thing that moves.

It really will find you, if you are simply patient, open, and ready.


Oh - and be open to new possibilities. There's a few things to our relationship that older generations might not approve of/might worry about. Namely that we met online, in a forum, and that we're of different races. But it doesn't bother us, and we don't think it's anyone elses business to say otherwise. Very Happy
imera
Jupp, humour, communication and best friend, check. I have had that with both my ex, my current boyfriend and friends. But that’s not all. Both my ex and current boyfriends like to go out every weekend and play loud music. That is totally the opposite of me, I like to stay home and watch a movie or go to the movies, and I don’t like really loud music. So for being happy you also need to be a bit the same in personality, and my current boyfriend is really good to spend a lot of money in a really short time, and I’m not talking about shopping.
It doesn’t help talking to him, I have tried.
shrinkwrap
I think genuinely caring about the other is the key. And if you're not friends with the one you love, then the relationship might have some problems!
HoboPelican
Not just a sense of humor, but similar senses of humor. A guy who loves Jackass and a girl who loves Woody Allen may not consider the other to have a sense of humor at all.

I've been married 3 times, the current one for about 12 years. So I know a little about what works and doesn't ... for me, at least. Humor, brains, compassion, looks. All these things are traits that we may or may not find important in a mate. So the first trick is to find the right person. Laughing

Second trick? Commitment. To actively say to myself that this person is who I want to be with. To not only do what it takes to make them happy, but to not let the small things they do poison the relationship.

Which brings us to the third....We gotta be able to communicate. I try not to let our time together degenerate into watching TV or just sitting in the same room. Do things. Talk about what we did and what we are gonna do. Something bugging me? Tell her, but think carefully about how I'm gonna do it.

For me, paying attention to those thing just makes her my best friend anyway.
angelussum
I think communication is key. That and compromise. Not always fighting to have things your way, but being flexible. Giving the other person freedom. Expressing your feelings. Being able to work together for the relationship. A genuine interest and desire to be together.
CrimsonStrange
I think 'having the same goals' should be added to that list of "good relationshiop secrets". (which goes right into the same sort of sense of humor, likes, dislikes... etc.)

Marriage is a state of mind, nothing more. Society has created this holy matrimony and the institution of marriage idea.
The ceremony, the rings, the legal status; it means absolutely nothing if the honest commitment isn't there. If you feel like you're trapped in a cage and that all the fun has been sucked out of your life, then you're not serious and shouldn't be married in the first place.

Communication? Yeah, you can talk - joyfully, openly, passionately... about all sorts of things in a relationship. But you've gotta listen as well. Both parties involved must be willing to understand and accept the shortcomings and 'personality quirks' they each have.
If someone you're involved with wants you to change major aspects of your life (ex. not seeing friends, family) strictly for their own benefit, then they don't love you - they're in love with their perfect version of you, and they'll go to great lengths to create that perfect version. And, ultimately, you'll be the one who suffers most.

Sacrifice... being willing to share every aspect of your life with someone, being willing to give a little.
Realizing that the decisions you make will affect someone else, too.

Trust... don't keep secrets from each other - if there's a problem, don't sneak around or lie or hide things.
Get it out in the open, cry about it, do whatever it takes to clear the air and put it in the past.

You're gonna argue; you'll disagree and have differences of opinion. It's unavoidable.
But if you both let those small annoyances build up into gigantic, un-solvable problems, then there's too many closed doors and the relationship will fall apart.

And sticking with each other through thick & thin is (in my opinion) the single greatest defining factor of what a truly strong relationship is.
Money problems, medical issues, whatever... don't abandon the person you're supposed to cherish above all others when the going gets tough.
That's how you really get to know a person on the inside - seeing them at their moment of greatest vulnerability.
bluefossil
people don't want to admit it, but to have good relationship is to have good sex.
marcmgeronimo
For me it is the constant communication and understanding which keeps the relationship healthy. Plus there are of course other factors which creates a happy and interesting relationship. I always believe that even if you are in a relationship, the two of you must give each other individuality. Keep doing new things and explore new things to do to make the relationship active and not boring.
Citizen Kane
In my case it's communication and knowing what's happening to ourselves. And ofcourse humor.

I've never had a gf whith whom I laughed (AND cried) this much, and with whom I talked this much. Suffice to say I'm having the timeof my life!
girlcalledjay
I think that people choose a partner and then try to change him/her into someone else.

I won't say I've never tried to do it!!!

It just doesn't work though. Love the person you fell in love with and let them be who they are.

And don't worry so much if they do little things that annoy you because the little things don't really matter in the whole scheme of things. Yes, I could nag my husband to put his socks in the hamper or stop squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle...why though? If I focus on those things I will just feel bad...I will make him feel bad...who needs that?!
xkobram
I think ralationship needs something to be based on. Love, music, work, movies or something. One thing why 2 people steys together
defnet
I think that humor is great.
Ima joker, but jokes are only fun if the person being joked with likes em too.
Further i believe that trust is one of the MAIN factors.
And then given her the attention she wants give her a flower or somethin now and then just because you luv her.
Cool

Mine didn't work out because she was always lying to me about even small stuff. I couldn't keep on fooling myself and her so I said it was best to stop it. I can stand everything, jokes, disses, and beatings but I always want my peeps to keep it real and stay real.

Bottomline is: DONT LIE
tingkagol
seriously, what the first guy said. Sense of Humor. And have an ear. Listen closely.
molif
sense of humour.. very true... i dowan to end up in a marriage with no laughter but seriousness.. yikes.. i will freak out..

communication is the number one key to a healthy marriage.. able to communicate in anything and everything without feeling doubt or shyness or fear..
DarkoSS
the secret key to a good relationship is just: LOVE!
When you love someone... you're gonna do your best to make him happier, and he's gonna the same back to you.
But, what does LOVE mean ? that's what's freaking out! Love ain't those sexual relationships, nor those humouros moments you spend in bad.. no! LOVE is merly the will to put someone in your heart forever! and that's the key to a good relationship Smile
xkobram
Why everone writes Humour, sense of humour? Yeah raltionship needs to by funny and not to be boring, but these things are little bit different than "sense of humour." You can't base relationship on Humour. As I posted above, i think that relationship should be based on one thing, but not humour.
You can't just sit telling jokes to each other. That is not enough.

Humour is good, but its not all...
freakinlame
Yes, of course sense of humour is important but at the same time, you also need to understand each other's needs. I think that in a relationship, there should be a compromise between the two partners. Both have to be able to sort things out when a problem occur. And also not being selfish and only think about only your own need without bothering what your partner feels. It is important to have good communication with your partner and know what is going on.
urbanbuddha
I really like what everyone has written before me. Here are a few things I'd like to add:

Keep things fresh. Try to do new things together so that you don't become too bored. Also never go to bed angry with each other!
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