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A Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy

So I have officially become the most selfish human being I know. I had a Dane Cook, "I did my best" episode last week. I even called my mom for advice (it was a desperate situation). I dont think I give my mom enough credit because she gave me the most sound advice she has ever givin me in my life, "The more successful you are, the more lonely you have to be."

Most people would say, "No, thats cynical, you just have to find a balance." Thats truly not possible, when you are trying to be the best at the things you are passionate about it is truly like running a race. Its not that I necessarily want to finish first but no one can run next to me...they can stand on the side and be there for me but ultimately its my race to win whether someone is running next to me or not.

My natural neurosis + life pressures = a less than desirable personal life. I feel like Im leading myself by a hedonistic philosophy that is completely bi-polar from who I am and every now and again I lose myself. Its as though my concious floats away for a little while and watches the child in me act through this pleasure seeking addiction. I truly feel like a child, wanting what I want when I want it and pushing away whenever I dont.

The crazy thing is that Im actually not being malicious, Im not manipulating situations for my own pleasure, Im literally just trying to stand still for one feaking second. I want to have that moment where Im driving just to drive, singing as loud as I want to at 3 in the morning. I want to drive to a high point overlooking a city or the ocean and just scream. Just for an hour. Just to stand still and gain some perspective because sometimes I cant breathe in my routine..

I guess this is why not everyone gets to realize their dreams to their full potential, because its really hard and it messes with the fun side to life's seemingly balanced scale. All of my most successful friends have sacrified aspects to their life that has crushed a small part of their soul while building up another, and they did it all by themselves.
If you don't have a family of your own to take care of, why not. So long as you don't inflict pain upon another soul. Have fun!
I can relate on some level to what you're saying, Droop.
Sounds to me like you really need a release of pressure somehow.
I personally enjoy destroying old, broken-down, worthless things with sledgehammers, baseball bats, guns... whatever you happen to have convenient.
To me, there's nothing more cathartic than blowing up an old TV set or taking a hammer to an ancient computer system.

Go by your local dump, man.
Find some junk that somebody has dropped off, take it back to your place or some deserted country road, put on some protective gear, lay down an old sheet or blanket to make clean-up easier and beat the ever-living-hell out of it.
Beat it until the absurdity of what you're doing causes you to laugh like a madman, or the frustration bubbles to the top & you cry until there's nothing left to let out.
Scream at it.
Blame it for every mistake you've ever made.
Put the very soul of your worst enemy into that object.
Then destroy it utterly.
It's quite empowering, y'know.
And there's nobody around to question, laugh or jump to conclusions.
I think the hardest hurdle to get over is shame, embarrassment, fear, etc.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but destroying inanimate objects, whether they're a part of your past or somebody else's, is very therapeutic.
And it helps funnel the anger somewhere else rather than towards the people you really care about.
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