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I need advice~~! (on whom to choose!)





saratdear
Hi,
I am in trouble and need advice. I really like this girl from school. I don't want to disclose names, so let this girl be P. I love P a lot, but havent told her yet. i think she does love me back. Very Happy This was all going fine, when comes the problem.
There is another girl. Let her be J. She studies really very well, and beats me in studies. One day, when P was absent, came the problem. In the class, one of the teachers was talking about getting transferred, and i just loudly announced that I was getting transfered, too. I didnt do it on purpose. Then after the period, one of the girls come to me and say : J loves me. She did from the start, when she joined, but didnt want to tell anyone. Now i was stunned. a girl comes and says she loves me?
Shocked Shocked Well under the pressure of my friends, and my own stupidness, (and i guess i kind of liked her too then), i said i loved her too. Then after two days, she said she couldnt continue this coz her friends ignored her, and all that(crap, i guess). At least that was OK, she would leave me in peace, and let me continue my one-way with P. But then, my friends wouldnt leave me alone. They want to see me and J together again, and are trying their best to do it, too. And to complicate things further, J is now saying she loves me! And just now I am getting even more close to P. Now not my friends or J seems to be leaving me alone.

What do I do? P or J? J or P?

Any advice will be appreciated!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New developments :

Now i will tell u new developments which happened, and please tell me if you all can draw the personalities of P and J from this. Al right, i am a student, 13, and i am from india. Now in my school there is no thing such as dating, so all these is very secret.
The development : On monday we have a parents meeting. P's friend S's mother knows about me and J. So we think she will go to our class teacher. Now he is very strict about things like things, he considers them nonsense. Now P and S went and said to Sir that students are telling bad things about me and J. So sir called me and asked. I said all the truth( i was reeeeeaaaaly scared), but honestly he didnt seem mad! That went fairly OK.
Well my friends said J fainted, and one of her friends almost slapped P's friend. Interesting? Or confusing?
Well the thing is P said she didnt want sir to scold the class in front of the parents (or scold me???) Does this make it clear whether P loves me? Or am I being just plain stupid?

I really hope you all could make sense of my babbling.

The universal question : P or J?
(looks like there will be no more of J now, after all this. I just want to know whether P loves me.)

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
CameraKitten
It sounds to me like J is a love-addict. Or at least some version of it. If you cant trust her to stay with you, dont stay with her at all. I've been in her situation mind you, and I ended up winning the guy. I wasnt happy, although I didnt want to admit it, and my ex got me into ALOT of trouble because not only was he faking his religion to please me, but he was on drugs and almost ruined my life with them. I wont get into details. But if you think that P is a "better" female, then go for it. But take personality into account here. If J is just scared, and P is a bit of a snob, stick with J because P will just play havoc with your heart. Family and finances are important too. Many people will say they are NOT, but they are. If she cant afford the gas/bus fare to see you, you will ALWAYS be on the dime to see her. I come from a family below the poverty line, and its not fun. I've been through more annoyed boyfriends than I have shoes. Well thats an overstatement, but you get the point. My advice is this: sit back and look at both of them. Look at personality, finances, and family - because like it or not, there is always a chance they'll be your in-laws. If both of them are equal candidates, follow your heart. Smile

-Kari
Nikkori
Yeah, that was a nice advise!
If J can let go of you just because of her friends, then her love for you isn't true. Maybe she was just attracted to you. The above advise is best!
tar-xzv
I think you very just too flattered by J saying she loves you but your heart really goes for P.

Anyway, listen to your heart not what your friends want. Good luck!
DarkJad
Well, don't take it TOO seriously - I doubt that it's love at that age, especially without dating or really getting to know each other seriously (and I don't mean intimately).


But I gotta vote P. J just sounds kinda weird.
CameraKitten
Yeah, now I'm pretty sure that J is a love addict. She isnt worth your time. I also know that in india, Love-marriages are uncommon and that relationships are very strict. At your age and because of your rules, I'd reccommend to just remain close friends for now. You're risking alot of trouble, and I know East-Indian fathers can be very...cruel. I had a friend once who broke his home rules and got taken right out of my school. It was a miracle his father let him even enter a secular Canadian school. So my advice now is this: Keep P close to you, but dont break rules. I know you want to, but dont. You're young, your mind will change 30 times over before you're a grown man. Mine did before I grew, and man am I glad I waited before I started dating. I was 16 when I started, but I could have at 12. It would have been the biggest mistake in my life. Your personality and brain will change so dramatically before you're 19, it's second only to the development the human brain makes at age 1-3. So, hold off, and dont break any rules. You could seriously pay for it.
valkyrie-heavens
I dont believe that u can really take anyones advice. All u can do is follow your heart and do wat u think is best. its ur life and u have to make ur own desicions.
CameraKitten
Valkyrie. Stfu. You're not helping. If you cant say anything supportive, then dont say anything at all. Sarat doesnt want someone to tell him he's on his own, he wants to know what other people think he should do. He isnt asking you what you think about advice. Now go away and play with your barbies, rookie.
benjmd
CameraKitten wrote:
Valkyrie. Stfu. You're not helping. If you cant say anything supportive, then dont say anything at all. Sarat doesnt want someone to tell him he's on his own, he wants to know what other people think he should do. He isnt asking you what you think about advice. Now go away and play with your barbies, rookie.


LOL, brutal.

saratdear, some key advice:

- 99.9% of people don't marry the person they were dating at age 13.

- Learn who you are and trust yourself ... if you were into P, don't pretend to be into J just b/c she is into you ... P and J both deserve more than that.

- "Love" is a serious thing and can mean A LOT to the person you say it to. Don't say it if you don't mean it, 'cause if they find out it can really hurt them.

- What you know of "love" will increase and change your whole life - don't fight that, just work with it.

- And remember, don't be scared to believe in yourself
CameraKitten
Thank you, Ben. I was actually trying to be nice... ^^; But, you're right. He's young. But you have to take race into account. East Indians almost never marry for love, they marry for survival and money, and often at very young ages. 13 year olds often marry men over 30. But there's a kind of wisdom to their system; Love doesnt pay bills or keep food on the table. Its rather pathetic, but it's true.

Sarat, just sit back on this for now. It's not worth it just yet.
Guyon
Dear saratdear

You really can't be in love with someone that you don't know more than in a limited social environment. Also age 13 you really can't experience what love really is. I would use the word "like" as a better expression of those feelings.

If it comes up again about your saying that you were being transferred, I wold go the honest route and say that it just blurted out and you feel silly for saying that. Using lies to cover lies only makes the situation more complicates and never comes to a good end.

As for which girl? There is no rush, take your time getting to know them and others. Things have a way of working out, and any forced relations ships never has any lasting value. Take your time, let a friendship build. You will know then it is right. A lot of guys are afraid of being rejected when asking a girl out. If you get to know them well at first then you will know there answer before you even ask.

BTW I have a daughter that is 12 and pretty popular, she gets asked out a lot. At this age she is not aloud to date at all. She can meet a only boy at a school dance or go on an activity, like roller skate, or movies in a group. You may think I am too strict, but at this age I am letting her spread her wings before she tries to fly.

I wish you the best.
tyrant
^^, your 13 dude, your entering the phase called puberty. alot of things are going to change and you might just end up seeing girls in a different light.

My advice is you should keep both the girls as friends. I'm indian too, and i know the culture in india is on extreme end from the western nations. There's nothing much you can do with them anyway. Just play it cool, and make the right choices. It seems to me your friends are using you as entertainment. Do not let them impose their feelings on to you.

Bottom Line : Focus on your studies, build up your circle of friends. don't rush things especially with girls, the heart aches and problems that come after the temporary bliss is not worth it.
saratdear
Thanks everyone for your replies. Yes i will take all your replies seriously.
But i guess all indians cant be that bad, in metro cities like mumbai and delhi dating is pretty ok and common, i think?
CameraKitten
I have to be very careful what I say here, because of national security right now, but you're right Sarat, there are major cities in india that do allow dating, but that's because they're almost half the population from the "Western World" and the major cities are somewhat...Relaxed on their beliefs. The INNER cities, the smaller ones, however, are very strict on this idea, and resent the west for their infiltration...and most Indian families in the world OUTSIDE of India are clung to the ideals of their home-land. It's called mothering. It happend when you leave what is familliar to yourself; you cling to what you know. But now we're getting into Social Studies and Politics....Ironicly, the two things I hated in High School...

I myself am White, but I try to take careful consideration for other races and their beliefs, so I dont offend anyone. I did, once, but I wont get into that. My point, Sarat, is if your parents, school, aquaintances, and family are going to get upset, dont do it. You're young, as well. It'll only serve to break your heart. Wait till you're 16, at least...
molif
like some said above, follow your heart man...

don fulfil wat other wants from you.. u are not living ur own life and ur love life..

be with somenoe whom ur heart desires the most..

p and j are infront of u.. listen to ur heart, who does ur heart raging for..?

i don have ur heart, so, i cant tell u to choose.. but seriusly, j is creepy.. a lil weird.. i don noe.. p sounds fine.. im sure she is pretty fine too..

good luck with ur decision..
saratdear
Alright, so this is what is happening now :
J e-mails one of my friends. She says that if I do get transferred, she has a bottle of poison ready!! Shocked I mean, what am I supposed to do now? And one of my friends asked her if she really means to do this, and she says maybe, I think I will.

I don't talk to her now, and I do my best to avoid her. My friends are just going on advising me, saying that - "Oh, Sarat, she loves you so much; why don't you understand her love and tell her that you do, too or atleast talk to her?" I am confused. Is what I am doing the right thing?

My love for P is going fairly OK, but she makes me spend money, buying choclates and all sorts of stuff for her, and it is her birthday on 5th, shouldn't I give her a gift? And she really likes to talk to me about her family and cousins. She gave her diary to me to read it, when I didn't ask it! Does all this prove that she loves me?
Please state your opinions.
CameraKitten
Oooo...Kay.... Looks like you've gotten yourself into an interesting situation here. Most girls want you to spend money on them, that's natural. But the other one looks a bit obsessed. I'd steer very clear from her, and if she could seriously hurt herself, talk to her parents about it. You could be saving her life, or even yours. If you want my honest advice, stay away from both of them right now.
arjay
This thread has became seriously funny. Laughing Lol. A thread started by a 13 year old confused boy (not yet a guy. lol) The reason for his confusion? Two girls pseudo-named P(the girl he ‘loves’) and J(the girl who ‘loves’ him.). The word ‘love’ is in quote because anyone can argue with him and he will not be able to explain why he called it ‘love’. Why? At his age, I don’t see real love in the making. That explains his confusion. You will know when you are really in loved with someone when you won’t be thinking about others(love) anymore.

For a 13-year old, your ‘love’ is just another misleading, fleeting and fancy feeling. As one matures, love becomes a more serious feeling. To give you an idea, there is no love without great sacrifices. And, you can’t hope to see intention of great sacrifices from too young people because they are not ready for it.

Just take this as an example…
saratdear wrote:
Alright, so this is what is happening now :
J e-mails one of my friends. She says that if I do get transferred, she has a bottle of poison ready!! I mean, what am I supposed to do now? And one of my friends asked her if she really means to do this, and she says maybe, I think I will.

Yeah, she thinks she will, but she won’t. Why? Because poison is bitter and she hates bitters meds. So tell her sooner that it is bitter than the most bitter meds she has tasted. Laughing

And here is young people’s expression and interpretation of ‘love’…Rolling Eyes

Quote:
My love for P is going fairly OK, but she makes me spend money, buying choclates and all sorts of stuff for her, and it is her birthday on 5th, shouldn't I give her a gift?

Chocolates and all stuff and natural complaints, because where can the young boy expect to get the money needed to support their kind of ‘love’? I hope you won’t be using your parent’s hard-earned money(intended for your schooling) to support your ‘love’. Shocked

Now, let us look at the alternatives …

One poster gave this opinion. She started with …
CameraKitten wrote:

Yeah, now I'm pretty sure that J is a love addict. She isnt worth your time…

Keep P close to you, but dont break rules. I know you want to, but dont. You're young, your mind will change 30 times over before you're a grown man. Mine did before I grew, and man am I glad I waited before I started dating. I was 16 when I started, but I could have at 12. It would have been the biggest mistake in my life. Your personality and brain will change so dramatically before you're 19, it's second only to the development the human brain makes at age 1-3. So, hold off, and dont break any rules. You could seriously pay for it.

Followed by... sort of, a good introduction to her instantaneous personality...
CameraKitten wrote:

Valkyrie. Stfu. You're not helping. If you cant say anything supportive, then dont say anything at all. Sarat doesnt want someone to tell him he's on his own, he wants to know what other people think he should do. He isnt asking you what you think about advice. Now go away and play with your barbies, rookie.

And ended with …
CameraKitten wrote:

Oooo...Kay.... Looks like you've gotten yourself into an interesting situation here. Most girls want you to spend money on them, that's natural. But the other one looks a bit obsessed. I'd steer very clear from her, and if she could seriously hurt herself, talk to her parents about it. You could be saving her life, or even yours. If you want my honest advice, stay away from both of them right now.

Now, she got everything clear when she said …’stay away from both of them right now.’

While, another worthy and kind poster said it this way …
Guyon wrote:

Dear saratdear

You really can't be in love with someone that you don't know more than in a limited social environment. Also age 13 you really can't experience what love really is. I would use the word "like" as a better expression of those feelings.


As for which girl? There is no rush, take your time getting to know them and others. Things have a way of working out, and any forced relations ships never has any lasting value. Take your time, let a friendship build. You will know then it is right. A lot of guys are afraid of being rejected when asking a girl out. If you get to know them well at first then you will know there answer before you even ask.

BTW I have a daughter that is 12 and pretty popular, she gets asked out a lot. At this age she is not aloud to date at all. She can meet a only boy at a school dance or go on an activity, like roller skate, or movies in a group. You may think I am too strict, but at this age I am letting her spread her wings before she tries to fly.

I wish you the best.


Posters of different characteristics, genders and generations giving their most precious time and opinion; and amazingly, arrived at a parallel conclusion: is it not yet time for you to take this kind of feeling seriously.

Saratdear, I have been to your situation(and worse) 6 years ago. And I always laugh at myself now everytime I remember how I fell victim to this notion called ‘love’ at a very young age. Good experience? Honestly,No! I missed some of my lessons in the class. And I missed a lot of opportunities to bring home more academic medals and awards. If Frihost forum and its worthy posters could have been there during my time, I could have easily thrown away that kind of fancy feeling and opted to concentrate more in my STUDIES. Unfortunately, Frihost has just gone online last year.

You are more fortunate that you have this great forum with you now …

Goodluck while you concentrate in your studies. Then focus in your future career. By that time, P and J will love you even more. And maybe this time, the love is for real - so it won't be difficult for you to choose the right girl.
honestman
Hey ive been there to and ended up with neither which is a disctinct possibility if you dont just step back and listen to what YOU want. Forget friends and peer pressure (and to some extent) the flattery.

What do u want. It sounds as if J is a bit of a tease and attention seeker. P doesnt seem to be and you only seemed to go toJ cos it was said she loved you. Your heart it sems has always been with P and never J. Stick to that and make the approach to P yourself and get rid of all of the peer presure nonesens.

Jim
mike_phi
Hi there I Ha read some of the posts and I must say I really only agree with the one that says follow your heart.

In a case like this its time for you to start developing your inner relationship skills and if you just choose between P or J without really thinking about it, you will not really develop and learn,

You should try to explore yourself and align your mind with your heart and really try to make a choice no matter what friends or the girls in question say, if they both have love for you thats great but you have to learn how to establish who you love and I believe even at 13 this can be done, as love does not only become love when you are older and can explore more, love is all around us from young and all through our lives so dont be mislead by the posts that say you are too young to love, you have love just its the love that a 13 year old experiences but when you are in a place (i.e. being 13) its love and nothing else so take it seriously and explore how do figure out which way your love is pointing

good luck

Mic
arjay
Smile Although the topic seems childish (generally funny) in nature, I will try to deliver some, hopefully, matured points that can be easily understood by the very young, too. The easiest route is to …’just follow your heart’, no doubt. And we all know everyone knows that. But, is that really helpful when one has practically accepted that fact that he is confused and wants some REAL advice. The easiest route does not necessary lead to favorable result or success in life, including ‘love’-life.

By the way, what kind of love are we talking here? A person’s love for his parent? A person’s love for his brothers/sisters and relatives? A person’s love for his friends? Surely general love itself is an instinct (since birth). But I am sure when the topic starter mentioned ‘love’ he means the romantic kind of love and not the ‘all-around love’ as suggested by the previous poster mike_phi. We should be very clear when we share our words because we are dealing here with human emotions and life – and, probably, someone’s future. Reading and minding the post for topic starter at this time may help. Smile

In my previous post, some major points have already been mentioned and quoted, in support to the posts of CameraKitten and Guyon (2-thumbs up for his post. More posts of this kind please.) and others of the same nature. So, I won’t rewrite them here, instead I’ll add a ‘post-mortem’. Smile

Let us go back and try to ponder some basics? At the young age of 13, what do you think should be the priorities? Seriously getting confused and being entangled in the web of fancy feeling called ‘love’ (or puppy ‘love’?) OR having a friendly atmosphere with all while concentrating and focusing in your future bloodline – your good education? Well, if that fancy feeling is not giving you troubles in your daily activities and budget and you can prove that, through your good grades and being a good example to the community, school and home; then maybe it is helping. But if you are wasting a lot of time entertaining confusions brought about by that fancy feeling, then, it is not helping you. Confused

The issue of age is vital. If a 16-year old or older tells the same dilemma, yourstruly surely will have a different version and approach. But for people of Saratdear’s age, at 13, just keep everyone in your friends’ list and enjoy their friendship to the fullest. This is the period where the chance of having more friends is best. Dancing

Exclamation I will stick with the UNPOPULAR notion that at the very young age of 13, ‘love’ should not be taken seriously and not the priority, because it will come to you so naturally as your age progresses. Surely, anyone can say ‘it can be done’, until one realizes that he/she could have done better if he/she had just let that fancy feeling remain to be just that … fancy. Wait for just a little while for the real love to find you. And, you won’t regret it. Smile

Bad start normally leads to bad ending. Choose between these two alternatives in your future life (that will surely get affected with your decision now): a good education with a good career with stability in finance and with a good family relationship OR an uncertain and confused life due to wrong priorities of taking serious consideration in favor of fancy feelings you called ‘love’. Question Rolling Eyes

Saratdear, two contrasting views have been presented by the posters as simple as possible. Consider both PLUS 1. Plus 1? Yup, your parents’. Aside from their great love for you, you are spending their time, efforts, and money. They are giving everything for you and for your good future. With all their sacrifices, you won’t get short-changed when you listen to their voices and silent wishes. Smile

If that is not enough, consider this honest-to-goodness question: ‘Assuming you have followed your heart’s desire and pursue girl P to the ‘can-be-done’ magnitude Can you continuously support your ‘love’ for girl P without any help (security, financially, etc) from your parents?’ If you can answer that positively, then tell me how you’ve done it so I may be able to change my mindset soonest. Wink

Razz But if it’s the other way or you are uncertain with your answer, then you know what I mean when I said in my previous post that I have been there and I have much regret because nobody reminded me before that it was just a normal fleeting fancy feeling that should not go in the way of your plan for a better future and relationships. Most of them told me … ‘follow your heart’. I did and took it seriously. And, I was wrong and I regretted. At 13, I followed my heart no matter how foolish it was. Now, I know better … love can wait, but not a good education and family relationship. Pray I should have listened to my parents rather than to people who are fun of using traditional bylines but does not really mean better (love)life for you. Rolling Eyes

Btw, poster Guson is a parent. A good relief against emotional chaos brought about by so much concern and confusion to trivial matters. Dancing

Finally, at my age now (6 years older than you), I just smile when I read and hear stories such as yours and the comments that go with it. And you now know the reason why. Maybe 6 years from now, we’ll see eye level. I hope you share your experience too so you can also help others – the right way. Smile

Again, goodluck to you and extend our regards to P and J. Our warm hello to your parents. Thanks for patiently digesting my words and for the chance to join your topic thread, too.
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