Today is the day. The love of my life is on a train to New York, where he'll stay. We both knew it was coming, he being accepted to grad school and very excited about big nerves of world culture and the like...
but it seems to have come so soon. And I'm here in small town Wisconsin. Still. Same job, same scenery, another autumn and I could spend about all of my money on plane tickets.
Does anyone have any advice on long distance love? Does it ever work? I know New York is full of the most beautiful women anywhere, or rather, the largest population of all kinds of women including beautiful ones. I am in love with this man. I don't want to lose him to the metropolis.
He will presumably be coming back in the holidays and the like, if he's going there for educational reasons, so that's something. Aside from that, I strongly recommend looking into buying yourself a webcam and downloading Skype.
Free videophone calls are a godsend for those trying to maintain long distance relationships.
I've had friends enter into long-distance relationships and they have ended with someone being 'dumped' over a letter or phone call. That's obviously never nice for anyone, but at the same time, one of my other mates managed to spend 2 years away from his girlfriend, when he came back home they got married 6months later. If you work at it (and it won't be easy) there is the potential for some good rewards at the end.
Well I can tell you that long distance relationships can work. Me and my girlfriend is a good example and here's our story.
We were at the same summer job for two years ago. It took a couple of months til we started to get interested in each other. I knew that when the jobs ends in late August she is going to move 400 kilometers (250 miles) away to study. Before she went we spent a lot of time together.
Then came the day when she moved. That was the hardest and sadest day of my life. Fortunately there are phones and internet so keeping in touch was easy. And when we both wanted this relationship to go on it wasn't that hard. I'm not saying that it was easy, because there were some really hard times.
After a year she then moved to where I am and continued with the studies here. So now we have lived together for over a year and are happier than ever before.
The year when we lived apart was very good when you think of it afterwards, because now when appreciate more the time together.
A suiting love quote:
"Absence is to love, what wind is to fire.
It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great."
-Comte de Bussy-Rabnutin-
When we were still dating, my future wife moved to 700+ miles away for grad school. She didn't have a computer back then, so we couldn't chat or use a webcam. That would have been a wonderful thing. Instead I called her almost everyday and we met 1/2 way a ludicrous number of times...
Hints? Like subsonic mentioned, some IM/webcam combo will be great. On a personal level, remember your friend is in school. It is likely to be a killer and is going to have to be the most important thing for them for a while. So if they are short and say they can't talk, don't pressure them. Give em a kiss and say you'll call later. It will help if you guys can share schedules. That way you'll know if they are heading out to a study group in 15 minutes. Then instead of calling to chat, you can just say "I know ya gotta go, just wanted to say I love you". Makes you part of their day to day, almost like you weren't separated.
Look for dirt cheap fares to NY. Maybe visit for a weekend each month.
The hardest and at the same time the easiest thing to guarantee that the relationship works, is committment on both sides. When my wife was gone, we both new that we wanted to be with the other, so nothing
was going to change that.
Not to bust your bubble but trust me long distance can really work if you both really put all your effort and trust into it, you have to be able to go for it no matter what happens how hard it'll be, if you two really love eachother it CAN happen, trust me.
My girlfriend lives over 4000 miles away from me, I have to cross the Atlantic freaking ocean haha, trust me we love eachother to death, next month we'll be together for a year and it feels like only half of it.
Love can do anything if you just believe.
Move to New York if you really love him.
It really is the only option.
And it's a wonderful town.
It sounds really idealistic and silly and movie-like, but life is a lot more idealistic and silly and movie-like than most people realize, and things have a way of working out.
Here I go again... not wanting to give advice (social workers like me don't do that, they let people sort it out by letting them tell things and asking things...) I'm really curious about some of the things that aren't apparent in your story:
- How old are you and your boyfriend?
- how long did you go together?
- what kind of relationship where you having? (seeing eachother all the lime or just once a week)
- what did you do normally when you live together?
- what is your pasttime? school? or work?
Anwsering these questions could make things much easier for the reacting posters...
An 800 mile long distance relationship, I'm Canadian so I think in Kilometers. 800 miles is 1,287.5 kilometers, That's quite a distance! It doesn't beat mine though. Mine was 3,758 kilometers or 2 223.3 miles. Anywho, my relationship didn't last because of a few factors. Though it lasted nearly a year, she called it off, stating that it was emotionaly "eating her", since we couldn't be together, due to the long distance. Also we didn't have the use free video phone calls, only regular phone calls (very costly), and MSN Messenger/email. I also agree with "Subsonic Sound", he'll presumably return for holidays. Though my long disance was a success for only a year (till she called it off), I believe yours will last longer.
it's going ot be difficult and i'm certain the squabbles will amplify and multiply. But if you're both commited to each other, in sync and your hearts don't stray it could be for the better and strengthen yoru relationship. as much as you and she love being together, every individual needs to find their individual selves alone.
Maintain communciation and trust. Even if he doesn't answer your call one day don't assume he is out screwing around. Realize that there are things that he has to do on a daily basis to prepare for his future and yours. Communicate, communicate, communicate. That is the absolute biggest thing.
Share your life with him, send photos, use webcams, send letters, try to find a way to get out there and visit every now and then. Don't become bitter towards his new life either, try to learn about it and take an interest in it. Share as much as you can and maitain open communication and you will be just fine.
It's certainly worth a try and not fretting too much about it. My (now wife) girlfriend and I lived about 400 miles apart and we grew closer. There was not doubt that we both wanted to be closer and yes the long drive trips back and forth were a bummer, but I was and she was on a high (whomever made the trip) and it was worth it. I also had long distance relationships that didn't work. Some I was the one not interested and others she was, but you can usually tell in a hurry. Either way it's not fun (both when you're the one getting dumped on and also when you're the one not pumped and the other person is).
Just try it and don't worry about it. It's usually not the miles that are the problem as much as the solidity of the relationship to start with.
I've been there myself.. I'm also from a smallish Wisconsin town, and dated a woman who lived in New Jersey for 4 years.. I can certainly tell you that it wasn't fun
but our case was a bit different in that she had always lived there, and had a real east coast personality.. you actually have an advantage in that your guy is a midwesterner and is used to Wisconsin women.. east coast people are very different, and not usually in a good way
so don't worry so much about losing him to those beautiful sophisticated women.. chances are they'll annoy him more than excite him.. but it might take some time to get over the initial rush of it all.. so be patient
keeping steady communication is key.. encourage him to experience his new surroundings, but remind him subtlely about being together without being too clingy.. it's a tightrope walk, but you can do it
see each other at least once a month if you can afford it.. I usually found that it was better to travel there in winter and have them travel here in warmer months.. being back in Wisconsin when the weather is nice actually is very relaxing compared to the traffic/pollution/noise/hassle of New York
and remember that he has a lot going on with school.. so give him some space when he needs it
Don't know if it's been said yet, but in my experience, for long distance to work you have to keep close, but never be needy. Make sure that you don't let it force you apart because you don't see each other as much, make sure to talk on the phone/computer or whatever. At the same time don't try to force yourselves to talk to each other for hours each day. That's what my ex wanted in our long distance relationship when I moved. It completely killed the relationship for me.
But yea, long distance is doable as long as you are truely into each other. I've friends who do it and do it well, so good luck with it all.
Its certainly very hard but if you BOTH want to make it work you can. If you both think that you are perfect for each other, you can do it. It takes a lot of patience but its possible.
My spouse and I had a long distance relationtion for over 2 yrs (500 miles) and we made it.
distance doesn't matter ... it's if you love eachother that matters. I moved to another city for my girlfriend ... and I'm glad I did it.
|Sava wrote: |
|distance doesn't matter ... it's if you love eachother that matters. I moved to another city for my girlfriend ... and I'm glad I did it. |
That's not what I know and have been told. "Love knows no age, but it knows a distance."
Not saying that there's no hope.
|tar-xzv wrote: |
|My spouse and I had a long distance relationtion for over 2 yrs (500 miles) and we made it. |
@ tar-xzv: Congrats! I'm happy for the two of you.