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breaking up over email = artistic





Jaiye
passive-agressive writing is such an art form. i mean the subtle phrases, double meanings, it's complex poetry. So i was going out with this girl for about two weeks or so. here's a recap of our last emails. At the time of the first one i hadn't seen her for about a week. I couldn't talk to her because her cell broke and it was the only number i had. she had my number though because she called me once from her house. So she had the only method of making a verbal connection.

It's beautiful. I wanted to share it.

FIRST (me):
Quote:

Hey -----, i'm just going to come right out and say it because I don't like 'games' and bullshit and know you don't either. If your phone was working i'd do this that way just because an email is lame, but it's all I have. First off, I do like you and I've had a good bit of fun during the times we hung out. But really what I've been looking for is someone who I can hang out with a few nights a week, and it seems that there's too many people out there trying to get a slice of the ----- pie. It's just that we're not anywhere near being on the same page in that regard.You say you're not trying to avoid me, and I believe you, but a lack of attempting to get togther is just indirect avoidance. I'm not trying to use this as am ultimatum, it's just how i see things going.

I would like to know what you've been thinking along the way, how you've seen things as going, and what your plans are in regards to us.

<3, J



SECOND (her): next day

Quote:
This steams me Smile

I've been in a shitty mood for a week for various reasons and really
just want to sit in my room by myself, but apparently that's not
viable. I should be wanting to hang out with you even if I feel that
way. Super!

Glad to know. Thanks for clearing that up Smile



THIRD (me): hours later
Quote:

i really couldn't tell if that last part was totally sarcastic or not.



FINAL (me): after giving her 3 days to respond.

Quote:
Well, it seems that it ends in silence. I'm sorry for putting forth so much effort to hang out, i mean we kinda agreed we were dating so i thought that meant you didn't hate me but i suppose i misread that night. I really don't understand what all those smiley faces were doing in that last email though, so i guess you win this game while leaving me wondering about that. It's just that i haven't had the chance to get to know you well enough to care about this getting past this. Too much drama too soon isn't worth it. But one thing i do remember clearly is that you said that you're never friends with guys you've gone out with, so take it easy, have fun at (her favorite bar) and try not to kill yourself on the way home.

(oh yeah) *smilely face* *smiley face* *wink*
cocobirdi
umm... i can't tell if there was a previous inquiry into her whereabouts, health, situation, whatever, but just going by this, i would say that you overkilled majorly.

the first email seemed fairly hostile... i don't know if you just talk like that way about everything, whether in good nature or not, but i would not have liked to get that from a fairly new boyfriend after having what seems to be a rough week.

after that email alone, i would have dumped you Smile

maybe you should have tried

Quote:
hey, what's up? i haven't heard from you lately. are things going ok? i'm concerned bc i was looking forward to spending time with my new girlfriend. anyways, write back and let me know.

looking forward to hearing from you Smile
-xxxxxxx


a pleasant inquiry into her situation would have had brightened her day and made her want to spend time with you. or at least have given her the option to say "i'm not interested in you after all. sorry."
Jaiye
oh yes, what was missing was the phone calls and text messages of me trying to talk/hang out with her for the whole week before. I did try. She would say something like "oh i'm not feeling great tonight, i'll talk to you later, bye."

then the next morning she's posted up pictures and long blog posts about how much fun the party was that she went to that night.

that type of situation happened about 3 times in the last week alone, and it's not like she let me know what was going on.

It was a bit hostile, but i needed something other then silence and avoidance.
cocobirdi
i'd still say you overkilled.

i don't know the exact situation, but that's still too much.
greenwoodmonkey
You should have sent a burn mail as soon as you had the opportunity rather than rely on her replying...

End of the day, pebbles on the beach, fish in the sea and all that man.....

Sounds like she was playing the games, so play them back.. only way to beat a player is to be one... my guess is she didn't call that week becuase she had her mouthfull... of what I will leave for you to guess
JoeFriday
I had to read those a few times to figure out the interaction.. but I agree that she seems fairly passive-aggressive (and I've had serious relationships with several women who were BIGTIME P/A)

looks like she was just looking for a reason to end it and was playing the "I was in a pissy mood and you didn't help, so forget it" game.. I've seen that one a few times, myself

you're a whole lot better off without that garbage.. just shake it off and don't dwell on it.. it's her problem, not yours.. the best revenge is to forget her (entirely) and find a really fun girl to spend your time with.. there are tons of them out there
xorcist
You dont know where she lives or anything you couldnt go to her house and talk to her?
Aiz
I agree with joeFriday on the "looking for excuse" part. It really seems like she was just trying to let it dryout by itself without having to be the bad guy and break it off (from what you said about the blog and party thing).

However, I also agree you were a bit hostile in your first message, @_@ If it were me, I would have ditched part of the message and just got down to the point and asked "how are you now? you aren't by any chance avoiding me are you, because thats the feeling I get. Now if you don't like where we are going thats fine, just say it instead of avoiding me. and If i'm reading into this too much, I apologize"

o.o I think that would have worked better. then again I bet that doesn't convey the anger you felt at her actions o.o;; well all's well that ends well.
SNES350
I disagree with your use of email; it really is hard to convey feelings correctly in writing versus vocally or vocally with body language. I believe it would lead to misunderstandings when emotions are involved.

If she was blowing you off in favor of parties without telling you so what she was actually doing, then the build up from before the emails may have already pushed it to that point, and the emails would have done nothing but reaffirm this.
angry_hindu
Quote:
umm... i can't tell if there was a previous inquiry into her whereabouts, health, situation, whatever, but just going by this, i would say that you overkilled majorly.

the first email seemed fairly hostile... i don't know if you just talk like that way about everything, whether in good nature or not, but i would not have liked to get that from a fairly new boyfriend after having what seems to be a rough week.

after that email alone, i would have dumped you Smile

i agree. overkill. remember in email communication, the person cant hear how you say it so anything even the SLIGHTEST bit harsh will be overexaggerated and misunderstood. you ****ed up man....i feel bad for u
Jaiye
angry_hindu wrote:
Quote:
umm... i can't tell if there was a previous inquiry into her whereabouts, health, situation, whatever, but just going by this, i would say that you overkilled majorly.

the first email seemed fairly hostile... i don't know if you just talk like that way about everything, whether in good nature or not, but i would not have liked to get that from a fairly new boyfriend after having what seems to be a rough week.

after that email alone, i would have dumped you Smile

i agree. overkill. remember in email communication, the person cant hear how you say it so anything even the SLIGHTEST bit harsh will be overexaggerated and misunderstood. you ****ed up man....i feel bad for u


no no, you're missing the point. i certainly didn't ****** up. if you had read my reply to that message you could see why.

getting away from that bitch's drama was a GOOD thing.
angry_hindu
so you wanted to break up? reading your reply looks like you dont care (or you are trying to say you dont care when you do)
edit: also you missed my point. it was mainly about the email communication thing. i have made people mad when i clearly didnt mean something that they inferred form my email.
Jaiye
it didn't start up with wanting to break up, just with wanting her to get her shit straight and to be able to tell me what she wanted. After i realized she was a liar just playing petty games, i decided i didn't care and i'd break it off.
cbf-cma
Bah! this is emotional junk. I don't think it's artistic at all. It only shows two people trying to weasel out of an intimate relationship.
Jaiye
cbf-cma wrote:
Bah! this is emotional junk. I don't think it's artistic at all. It only shows two people trying to weasel out of an intimate relationship.


then your not looking at it right. the art was in the final email. it's soo passive aggressive and has so much subtle anger wrapped up in it. Hell, I wrote 3 drafts before i came up with the final copy of that one, and had two of my friends proof-read it.
the1991
sorry to say it, but if she was going to parties and didn't want you to know about it, then she lost interest in you. it's pretty lame that she was so passive aggressive that she couldn't say anything to you about it, but that's the way some people are. my advice, look for the girl who gives you as much attention as you give her. different people like different levels of attention. some people are very clingy while others like their personal space. figure out what you want, and find the girl that wants the same.
macky
it is a bad no no... =(
Nintendo
Sorry to read that story Jaiye.

In my opinion, if she was having personal issues, she shouldn't have kept you in the dark about it.

If she didn't want you to know (so early into dating) then at least she certainly shouldn't have sarcastically attacked you inferring that she wasn't allowed to spend time in her room by herself.

I'm not sure how late I am in writing this reply. All I can say that right now, if you really like this person, the best thing you can do is apologise on your side for the misunderstanding, and be there for her when she needs a friend.

I'd imagine you like this girl for good reason. So her acting like this is a bit.. weird? It's probably because she's going through these emotional problems =x.

She sounds kind of popular, you talk about "other people wanting the slice of pie". Imo, that's something you really shouldn't be worried about. Don't be afraid to try and stand out of the crowd, and show her that you're the one that matters, and that you're the one that cares =]

I hope this helps, and I wish you luck buddy =]

Thomas.
D'Artagnan
email, phone? i mean are we supposed to break up personally?
deanhills
D'Artagnan wrote:
email, phone? i mean are we supposed to break up personally?
Well that was a loooong time ago, 2006. And from the looks of it, there was not a relationship to speak off anyway. So I imagine all of it has been history for a long while. Must say however Jaiye writes well. I really liked the e-mail he quoted that was written by himself. The response from the lady in question actually was a clear sign of not being the right lady for him. Her e-mail just did not fit with his. Smile
Dialogist
I did not think it was terribly artistic because you didn't get the desired result but it was entertaining from a voyeuristic point of view. Maybe you did get the desired result after all? But I digress. That's not why you bothered in the first place. I think there was a series of mistakes made here (in this exchange of mails) and none were made by her. The first one was the first message. You should have just let it ride out and she'd eventually wonder if you'd lost interest (they always do eventually, because girls like themselves, not sure if you've heard about this?) the second mistake was showing you cared and payed attention too much to her in the first mail. "Where are you at? I haven't seen you lately" would have done. The third mistake was misinterpreting her attempt to lessen the blow as "sarcasm". It was anything but that. It was self reassurance that you're not about to dump her parading in a carefree 'whatever' disguise. She thought it about it for the next few days until your last mail, which kicked her while she was still down about it. That was the last mistake. Not exactly Picasso, OP. Girls hate to be ignored and they hate it because it makes them act like you'd like them to. The reason she ignored you is because you couldn't ignore her.
deanhills
@Dialogist. I don't agree. It was important that he let her know that he cared and that he would like the relationship to move on to the next stage. His e-mails tested her commitment and he got exactly the answer he needed. If he had not, he would still have been guessing. Let's say he followed your moves and not put her on the spot, she would still have tagged him along and it would have taken a million times slower to come to the point, if ever. Also, I thought she was not as good at writing e-mails as he is, and the right kind of girl for him would be someone who can be as creative as he is and equally as unafraid.
Dialogist
I wasn't suggesting that they were made for each other and I too believe he was right to put her on the spot, only I think he should have not used a spot-light to do it. If the original message was a little bit more 'carefree', it could have still said 'I'm wondering about you' (as it does by even existing anyway) and that's all it needed to do anyway. The outcome is what you see there. There was other outcomes, possibly more fitting to the original intention of sending the mail in the first place.

The OP seems to imply that it was a breakup message to begin with and if that's true, then my thoughts on it still apply. Only, its my belief that the OP turned this bottle of ketchup upside down because he wanted to see if anything was still inside it, rather than shelving it or just simply tossing it in the trash.

Reading through her syntax and disposition, with the small piece of personal inclination she offers, I could determine by it and what's reported of her prior behavior that she is a person who is afraid of rejection and abandonment and is acting in accordance with her fears and anxieties. Way to go, Casanova?

The OP may have gotten some ketchup had he stood the bottle upside down on the shelf for a time, maybe then poured a little warm water around the base of the upturned rim, is all I am saying. Which is her case, would have been artistic on his part. But hey, like you suggested, no loss.
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