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What is the best way to split up?





karysky
Let me explain.

I'm in a relationship with the same guy for almost 4 years. Recently, he moved in a city far away from here. We've been entertaining this long distance relationship for 2 months now. I am not sure if I still love him or not. I feel so good alone. Doing all I want without asking for permission. I'm not sure about the break up, I'm just preparing for it if I take that decision.

This boyfriend is the first I've ever had and therefore, I've never split before.

What I want to know is, how to split without hurting TOO MUCH the other one? Did someone let you down? If yes, when was it less painful? What pained you more than everything?

Please, I seek advice. Just tell me your experiences.
JoeFriday
I'd say when you decide that's really what you want, call him up and bring it up early on in the conversation.. it sucks to have someone make small talk for a while and then spring that on you.. it's best to hear it right away

also, be nice about it.. don't make it into a "you did such and such!" sort of thing.. even if he acts hurt and brings up unpleasant things, don't go there.. you'll regret it later if you do.. just say that you would rather be alone now.. or you can always fall back on the line "I can't handle long distance relationships" (I've been there myself, and it does suck).. he might understand and agree.. you could possibly end up as friends still, assuming you would want that

if this is your first serious relationship, it's probably a good idea for you to meet some other guys, anyway.. my current girlfriend married the very first guy she dated.. met him when she was 15.. they were together for 28 years.. now she looks back and smacks her head saying "what the hell was I thinking when I dated/married him???"
karysky
JoeFriday wrote:
I'd say when you decide that's really what you want, call him up and bring it up early on in the conversation.. it sucks to have someone make small talk for a while and then spring that on you.. it's best to hear it right away

also, be nice about it.. don't make it into a "you did such and such!" sort of thing.. even if he acts hurt and brings up unpleasant things, don't go there.. you'll regret it later if you do.. just say that you would rather be alone now.. or you can always fall back on the line "I can't handle long distance relationships" (I've been there myself, and it does suck).. he might understand and agree.. you could possibly end up as friends still, assuming you would want that

if this is your first serious relationship, it's probably a good idea for you to meet some other guys, anyway.. my current girlfriend married the very first guy she dated.. met him when she was 15.. they were together for 28 years.. now she looks back and smacks her head saying "what the hell was I thinking when I dated/married him???"


Thanks...

I understand that. I met him when I was 18 and I've been with him ever since... I'm not saying I want to sleep there and there, but I do want to meet some other guys. I have a life to live. I want to do trips (for example, I absolutely want to tour Europe, but he doesn't want to. And he doesn't want me to go alone...). I also wish to study there one year, maybe, which is impossible in my current situation (he expects me to move with him in one year).

I feel as if my boyfriend was what I needed for a first boyfriend. You know, a perfect first love. But I don't want to spend my whole life with him... we're quite different and I don't think I'd enjoy a whole life like this. I think he loves me more than I love him... no scratch that, he's more in love with me and I am with him, because I do love him and care a lot about him, not just in that way anymore.

Just writing these two paragraphs made me understand my situation way better........
molif
i don have advice on how to break up wth him, coz as far as i concern, breaking up is the hardest to do if to let go of someone whom u have been with for a long time..

IF, u ever decide to let go, remember, whhat is done is done.. can never look back and hope it will turn out the same way as before.. NEVER..

decide carefully.. coz, every choice u make draws the path ahead of u for u to walk on..
Sadow
If the truth doesn't hurt, give him the truth.
If the truth hurts then give him the truth.
If lies hurt less, give him the truth.
Because if he finds out the truth it'll hurt double.
Just tell him the truth. Wink
Sappho
karysky wrote:
What pained you more than everything?


When someone behaves like everything is all right until the very end when there is no way to ignore it further.

I think Sadow summed it up pretty well.
NuniPio
i just broke up with ma gurl, well she broke up with me and it hurts so much, just make sure u think twice about what ur doing
Icantation
Okay, you need to think things over and think of it very very seriously.

I agree with you, long distance relationships are really hard. so just take it easy, you dont wanna tell it all immediately.First you have to explain your part why you wanted this to happen, second one, dont blabber too much right away, he might freak out.

Tell him that youre still open to talk to him or something like that. To make both of yourselves to feel much better. Goodluck.
crimson_aria
Sadow wrote:
If the truth doesn't hurt, give him the truth.
If the truth hurts then give him the truth.
If lies hurt less, give him the truth.
Because if he finds out the truth it'll hurt double.
Just tell him the truth. Wink


I double that.

Just be honest. Open up to him everything. Lies would hurt him more.
Droop
It's better if ur straight forward. We all know it's tough to let out but it's something u should let drag out. I was in a relationship for an extended 3 years that should have ended after our first 2 years. Things like that changes life and the way u see it. We started out in a long distance relationship. It took her 3 months to sleep with someone else and that was a rough thing to go threw knowing that. If ur plans are not to move to be near him than there's no point in staying in a romantic realtionship with this person. U should really stress that fact how important he is and how much he means to u but fact is fact, he lives to far to have a romantic intrest... I wish u the best of luck and please keep us posted if possable Smile
cybernie
crimson_aria wrote:
Just be honest. Open up to him everything. Lies would hurt him more.


I agree with you. The very best way of ending up relationship is to talk with your partner honestly, without pretentions. Tell him what's on your side. I know it would hurt him. That's normal. Sooner or later it will pass.
All wounds heal, yes with a scar. Let be that scar in him be a reminder of an unfulfilled love but has been so honest, rather than a love filled with secrets and lies.
JoeFriday
and don't stay with someone just because breaking up with them will hurt.. eventually the pain will subside, but if you stay together to avoid that, you'll just be prolonging it.. and it'll be harder to get over the longer you stay in the situation

perhaps the others are trying to say "don't do anything impulsive".. but I get the feeling you've already thought it through and you know how you feel

I think that it's possible to 'go back' in a sense that maybe you and he will be more alike in the future and things might work out after you take a break.. but don't plan it that way.. do what you need to do for yourself and things will fall into place as they should
mike_phi
Ok, first realize long distance is always going to be hard and most of the time boring.

Also being alone is just that being alone and doing exactly what you want and that always feels good. Be sure to look at things without focusing on this long distance thing. do you love him do you feel the relationship was terible or was it good. Also with distance comes anger some times dont make yourself a victim to the stinking thinking syndrome you have had quite a long relationship just think things through as you might think ya I want to meet new guys well there is allot of guys out there you definatly dont want to meet and some times you always think the grass is greener on the other side and its not always greener you have to just take your true feeling on this and it could be for your benefit or you could seriously regret this and also some people believ you cvan get back together and all will be fine but its sad but true but whats done is done and even people who love each other and try to get together again, once you have put the other person on the outside of your heart its almost imposible to even have a qurter of what you once had,

so be carefull but when you have decided be straght foward, the main thing about breaking up if you really truelly wan tot do it and you dont want to hurt him then dont see other guys before you break up and dont see other guys emediatly after you break up and make this clear to him this way he will know its your decission, and dont say you dont like long distance relationships because theoretically the love you are supposed to have for each other should overcome this, it is purely your decission no other guys no excuses "i needed to ask permission ....." no buts no he did this he said this just you doing it for you and you should have come upon this not only because he left town if the feelings are true and honest you would still be together even while he is away or had he been home, I hope you understand that real is real and real love survives the little tests life presents if you feel you want to see other guys and therefore need to break up than break up as both he and you will be better of because if you have a need to see other guys than both you and your current boyfreind dont desrve that and you probably had that need before he left.

good luck cheers

Mic
alonzomourning
well love is rubbish anyway just leave everything ok?
bargainhutz
breaking up with someone is never easy but if your not happy its the only thing to do. i find the best way is to send an sms or say your gay!
btyung
Sad
karysky wrote:
Let me explain.

I'm in a relationship with the same guy for almost 4 years. Recently, he moved in a city far away from here. We've been entertaining this long distance relationship for 2 months now. I am not sure if I still love him or not. I feel so good alone. Doing all I want without asking for permission. I'm not sure about the break up, I'm just preparing for it if I take that decision.

This boyfriend is the first I've ever had and therefore, I've never split before.

What I want to know is, how to split without hurting TOO MUCH the other one? Did someone let you down? If yes, when was it less painful? What pained you more than everything?

Please, I seek advice. Just tell me your experiences.
arjay
Smile Finding another relationship that will last for almost 4 years is not easy to find nowadays. I guess it is a matter of setting preferences and priorities. Or maybe you haven’t experienced having a relationship with a guy that is near to you yet so far. The feeling of ‘so good alone’ is transitory and I don’t think it will last, so don’t dwell with such temporary reason. ‘Doing all you want without asking for permission’ can be discussed between the two of you. I don’t think it will be a big deal for the guy to give you that ‘freedom from asking permission’ when you tell it to him with a warm hug and a sweet kiss. And, maybe because you don’t echo your inner thoughts and sentiments, so the guy thought you like it that way. You can find it too often that girls want their guys to ‘restrict’ them as sign of healthy and active relationship

Smile Honestly, I find your two main reasons not enough to call it quits. Your guy moving to a far city can be seen as a chance and opportunity to strengthen and fortify your relationship. You will understand me better when you do it your way now, then one day you would always wanted to look back to those warm memories of four years of being together.

Splitting will always be hurting to both but the pain will surely be less if you will be more open and honest with each other. He will surely have his ways of presenting alternatives … you don’t need to do anything but to LISTEN. Then from your sincere conversation, re-evaluate your feelings. If you are still convinced that cutting it off will bring more good than bad, then try this lesser painful way of bidding goodbye to a relationship. Try to have a specific period to cool-off. During this period, you have not yet officially broken the relationship, but only in a trial separation - a chance to feel you heart and mind. The purpose of this cool-off (trial separation) is to give both of you the final opportunity to revive your interest to your relationship or to bring it to its final resting place.

Before I end this post, lemme throw you a nice quote that inspires one to love and love more, when to hold-on and when to let go … ‘True love exists when you know when to hold on when you wanna let go; and when to let go when you wanna hold on.” I don’t want to see a decay and death to an extra-ordinaire 4-year relationship, I would still prefer mutual compromise and a lot of understanding from both parties. What will pain you more is not your going your separate way, but the thoughts that you could have done better in your relationship, yet you did not.

Goodluck!
freakinlame
I think the best way is to just tell the truth without hiding anything from your soon-to-be ex partner..this is better than tolie and give excuses on the break up..besides, it can also prevent any further turmoil that may arise from the breakup such as becoming enemies instead of friends..it's important that both individuals think maturely about the outcome of the break up..or better a relationship..if a relationship doesn't work out then it has to end..so it's best to make sure that the receiving end understand why it has to happen instead of begging you to stay and end up treating you the same as a friend and as a partner..draw a clear line on the status of your relationship and keep your fingers crossed..
rajat
just forget him.... start new beginnings................ though it's hard to forget, but try... try.... and try... until you secceeds. it's said that out of sight and out of mind, so please..... get him out of sight. That's all.
Trapper
There is never a good way, since it almost always hurts for one of you (we're all human). However, there is a bad way and that's now sharing how you feel. If you think ignoring the person or treating them badly will make them break up with you (a little reverse psychology) that never works and it only hurts the other person will.

You have got to be an adult about it and just level with them and with the truth. Yeah, it's o.k. to leave out some of the details (which might hurt their feelings) such as personal attacks, but keep it to the truth of which, "I just don't have feelings anymore."

Definitely don't leave them hanging while you act like you can't figure it out when it reality, you just don't have the guts to tell it like it is. Get it over with. It will be better for both of you in the long run.
Tycoone
Talk to him.

Ask him what you really want to achieve in the relationship.

See if he accedes to your request or improves on it.

Never, ever break up unless it is the last resort to, because you'll never know what the future lies for, whether you need to really cling on him in the future. Who knows?
kingy2k6
Sadow wrote:
If the truth doesn't hurt, give him the truth.
If the truth hurts then give him the truth.
If lies hurt less, give him the truth.
Because if he finds out the truth it'll hurt double.
Just tell him the truth. Wink


Whilst i would agree with you in most scenarios, Ive gotta say sometimes i'd personally rather hear a white lie than a painful truth. For example, when i found out that my ex had slept with someone behind my back, it hurt like hell. I found out by digging and digging. I was a paranoid jealous wreck. I would look at her phone, email... and found things i didnt want to see.

Ive learnt my lesson now. Even if i think someone is cheating on me, i aint ever gonna dig and dig like that again. Its a vicious circle that drives you insane.

Im not disagreeing with Sadow, Im just saying that...sometimes... Ignorance is bliss.

Trapper wrote:
Definitely don't leave them hanging while you act like you can't figure it out when it reality, you just don't have the guts to tell it like it is. Get it over with. It will be better for both of you in the long run.


I pose the question to you, what if you genuinely dont know what you want?
russel26
u tell the truth...speak honestly to your partner.. thats all Wink
sopetite
don't think of not hurting the other person
more often than not people who think too much about that forget the fact that people can move on WITHOUT them in their lives. Shocked
what if the other person's thinking of breaking up with you too? that would be so embarassing if you started talking about "it's not you, it's me" issues
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