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My short (uncompleted) story; The Heros Sword: A New Legacy






What do you think of MY story? (please vote after you read it)
great!
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 50%  [ 1 ]
good
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 50%  [ 1 ]
ok
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poor
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Total Votes : 2

venc
0 The hero’s sword:
A new legacy

All I knew about myself was that I was rich, and a Shaft. I didn’t know that my great-grandfather had saved everyone just a bit more than a century ago. Or that he was a hero. Not to mention that aged, rusted sword held high on my families crest was magic one. Or, that I was a hero, but I was about to find out…
I clutched my arm and winced heavily in pain. Shots rang through my city, Heroes city. I griped my pistol tightly; I heard footsteps coming from around the corner. Three, two, one… I jumped on the man; I held my pistol high, ready to kill. Time stopped, I examined him, and he was bloody, blood dripped from his mouth and nose. I saw his gun, a slow load rifle. Then, time continued. I shot before he could even raise his gun. I saw more coming around the corner; I took aim, and fired several times, all dead.
“Gaah!” My arm throbbed. But I had to continue, my mother and father were dead, but I got past it. Not that getting past it was easy, but right now I had no time to cry. I continued to kill. I don’t know how the fight started, probably some invasion. But I didn’t know. I needed to get my essential belongings from my house, but it was guarded. They seemed to be searching for something, but what?
“Lance, your stupid, you know that?” I told myself as I ran up to my house. I killed both armed guards. I scurried in; I felt a round piece of metal slip through my other arm.
“God dang it!” I screamed in pain. I looked in front of me, there he was, some guy with a gun. “Heh.” I thought like he would stop me. I pulled the trigger, dead. I rushed through the corridor, right, left right. I stopped to catch my breath briefly. I heard a light footstep. I instinctively turned around and fired. I felt my gun go hollow. “Oh my god…” I thought, I was out of ammunition; I looked at the fresh carcass. The being still had a plk 4.3(the newest hand gun at the time) clutched in his hands. I slammed my gun on his hand. The gun slipped out unwillingly, but it did. I grabbed it. I shoved a silencer on it. I heard a crack.
I did a three-sixty turn in a flash; I spotted a man, his jeans hardly covering his legs, blood dripping from his chin. I saw his gun raised, I though great, now I die…. But, before it could, he slid down, dead. I examined his body, a knife through his back, blood seeking through his chest. Well, I thought, that’s what happens in war.
I looked up, I saw him, and I don’t know whom he was. All I knew was that, well, I knew him. I shot instinctively, again.
Too bad he was quicker.
He had me at his mercy in a flash. I was on the ground, his foot on my chest. He was coming closer, I braced for death, I felt all the emotions I should of felt during this battle rush through me, I could stand the loss, the pain, the wasted effort, I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted to say, just end it now!!! Just let me die, kill me, I cant take it.
Then I saw that familiar grin.
“You weren’t about to shoot your best friend, were you Lance?” the man remarked slyly. Except, it wasn’t a Mans voice, but a young women’s voice.
“May?” I said, very confused” Is that you?”
“You bet your life,” She said, talking like a tough guy “but I guess you already have” challenging me. I looked at her like she was crazy, challenging me, she would definitely win.
It was true; in gym she beat me bad in relays, soccer, tennis ball, wrestling, and even football. She was one tough cookie.
“That’s good” I said, relived” I thought I was a dead man”
“Well, I thought you were to” she agreed, motioning to the dead dude” so, I saved your butt”
We continued to talk, when the question arose:
“Where in this bloody world are your parents Lance?” She asked
“Well, um,” I was starting to feel the full impact of losing my parents; I fell on my knees and cried. “T-Their-“ I couldn’t get it out. “-DEAD!” I shrieked, crying at my loss.
“Oh- sorry Lance, I know how you feel.” May said softly and kindly, trying to calm me.
“No you don’t!!!” I started yelling like a spoiled brat. “You’ve never even had parents to lose!!!”
She really never had parents. You see, when I was about five years old, and I had wondered off from my mansion. I suddenly spotted a young girl lying at the edge of the forest. Her cloths had mud all over them. You could hardly see her face over all the dirt. Her pants were torn in several places. She had obviously been bleeding a lot judging by all the dark blotches covering her shirt. Being young and weak, I couldn’t get her to my mansion to be cared for, so I started yelling for help. When someone finally heard my voice, they praised me for my actions and quick thinking. We never found the girls parents, so she came to live with me and the rest of the Shaft family. We named her May because I found her on the first day of May.
“I Know I didn’t, Lance, but you forgot, I never got to have the joy of having parents.” May replied, stating a fact.
I looked up at her, she was right; I had totally forgot that she never got to experience the joy of having parents.
“Oh, May, I am sorry for being so stubborn and rude.” I said, regretting deeply what I had said.
“It’s ok Lance,” She said, forgiving me.” I can always forgive you.”
“Thanks May,”I replied, saying how grateful and emotional I was in my tone. “now lets go get some necessities from the mansion.”

Chapter 2:The Shaft Family Heritage
“May!” I had lost her in the twisting and winding hallways of the mansion, which, even after thirteen years of living in it, I still didn’t know.” Where are you?”
I Continued searching, retracing every step, When I felt a tennis ball hit me on the back.
“May!!!” I shouted, very annoyed, she never took serious situations like this seriously. I heard a Small giggle behind me. I yelled at her o stop in her native tongue, but she still wouldn’t listen. After repeated yelling, she finally came.
“C’mon on Lance, have some fun,” She said while juggling several knifes, she had a knack for never dropping the knifes.
“May.” I said in a long, serious drone. I glared at the knifes. While she had a knack for never getting hurt, I had a knack for blowing things up when I got angry.
The knifes shattered into pieces right in front of her eyes.
“Why did you do that Lance?” She asked, knowing why I had, but just asking to annoy me.
“Because we need to gather necessities, not juggle knifes!” I said, very annoyed, she had succeeded. ”Now lets go!”
We were just trying to find the way out, Knapsacks carried over our backs, heavy because of the food inside. Then I spotted my families crest, a wolf on one side, and a man on the other. The wolf was a beautiful grey, it had markings on it that made it appear that it had cloths on and was carrying a sword. The man was very majestic, he was carrying a sword on his waist, and he had a weird leather jacket. A sword, a gleaming silver one, separated the two figures in. It had a beautiful gem imbedded into the grip. You couldn’t tell what color the gem was, it seemed to be a rainbow, disguised as a gem.
I thought we might need a weapon. Without a second thought, I dropped my knapsack and jumped up to the crest and pulled the sword down from its mantle on the crest.
“What’s that for?” May asked, motioning to the Sword.
“Protection.” I answered plainly.
We finally found the front door about thirty minutes later. I glanced at the table right by the door, normally used to put memos on; I spotted a letter on it. I walked over to it and picked it up. It was addressed to me, and it was from my mom and dad! It read:

Dear Lance,

When you read this letter we shall not be around anymore, but we must let you know your Heritage:
When we die, you shall receive everything we owned. That includes the mansion and the farm. But by the time you read this, you may not be able to call them your home anymore. So, we have another estate, one that you never knew of. It is located to the west of the mansion. We do not know exactly how long of a journey it is, but no one but shafts and who they wish to can go there. We are sorry to put you up to this at such a young age, please understand.

Love,
Raphael and Rachel Shaft

By the end of the letter I had started to cry, thinking of how they never forgot about me,
even when they were about to die. Even May had started to cry, which was a first. May never cried. She was always the tough person who never cries. It must have been a sight, seeing two thirteen year olds crying over some piece of paper under a shriveled mansion. I felt, well, like the mansion, shriveled up, or, at least I wanted to. You could cut the air with a knife it was so dense with sadness. Not to mention pain, which most of it was in my arms.
“Lance, are you-ok?” May asked, noticing me squeezing my arms. I was starting to feel dizzy, I was losing my balance.
“Lance?” may asked again. And that was the last I heard
“Lance? Lance!!!” May was bending over me, shaking me awake. I tried to look up, but I couldn’t, my whole body hurt, I felt cold and empty inside. I couldn’t talk either, so instead I grunted.
“Oh, good, your awake, try moving, it will get your blood flowing.” She said, being very concerned. I tried several times to get up until I got to my feet.
“Ooh, look, I can stand” I said to the no one in particular, feeling like I had to much to drink last night.
“Wow. Watch it, you lost too much blood.” She said as I nearly stumbled, but luckily, she caught me before I could fall. She then guided me to the family room. The main gathering place of my family was still as grand as it ever was, even if it was missing a few priceless objects, such as my grandma’s remains. But it still held onto its scarlet wrapping as hard as it ever had. I drunkenly look in front of me to see a makeshift breakfeast made out. May set me in a chair and I immediately grabbed the fork, neatly set beside the china plate, and ate, not even knowing what I was devouring. When everything was ingested, I drifted back into a deep sleep.
I do not I now exactly how long I slept.
I awoke on the couch. I didn’t realize that May had been sleeping right next to me, probably looking after me, she was always good with nursing small wounds and sicknesses. I got our bags ready. I would back both our necessities, but I would let her pack more personal item like clothes. I started down the stairs, examining the once fine linen. I started getting upset, feeling angry that I couldn’t have saved my parents. I started feeling my hairs rising. I ran out side as quickley as I could, because when I get upset, stuff explodes, you know. I got outside just before I burst. I felt the ground around me blast up. I couldn’t stop. I kept blowing everything up. I picked up a pebble. I stared at it, and I transmuted it, a thing I hardly did. It didn’t look different on the outside, it’s the inside that was changed. I pulled up that raged old sword of my families. I threw up the pebble. Pulling the sword up, I waved it, and hit the pebble sguare with the tip. It exploded on contact, yes you guessed it, I packed it with 3 pounds of gunpowder. I saw it blow up, grain by grain. It was like it was going in slow motion. Then I saw him. There was a kid right where I had sent the explosin. He had beat up clothes that had a few red stains
. I focused hard, and I succeded, I transported. I remember the story told of my grandfather on those campouts I used to go on with my family and May. How he was able to teleport, just by using these gloves. Those gloves seemed to form onto him, or, they were really comfortable, because he never took them off. But, that’s all I know, and that he could do stuff real fast with them on.
I saved him, but when I was about to talk to him, he ran away, he must have been scared. Wait, I knew he was scared, you could see it in his eyes, because they were empty. He had been through so much; he didn’t know what to think anymore. Suddenly I felt myself being pulled into the past. But only mentally. I saw that kid again, but he was younger, I saw him, crying over the divorece of his parent. Then over the death of his mother, then his father. I dont know how I knew that, I just did. I think I had a new view on my life now.

Chapter 3: The journey begins.
The next afternoon we set out on our journey. Our journey to a place we didn’t know. We walked for about twenty minutes until the first if the blisters started forming. I was hurting already, I was thinking, dang, I am a wimp. Plus, I was very wary of even a twig breaking, as I had already transmuted several rocks into weapons, I had a machine gun, a pistol, a sniper, and a rifle. I had them all strapped in different places,, ready to be grabbed at any moment. I had the pistol under my belt, the machine gun over my shoulder. Plus, I had the rifle strapped on my leggings, I had transmute my pants into chain mail legs with a bullet prove cloth layer on the top. And I had the sniper strapped across my back. My sword seemed to have a mind of its own, as it changed itself into shoulder braces, then strapped itself onto my wrists. I also had Mays’ and my bags on my back, so I was carrying like fifty pounds. I was walking, being suspicious of every sigh of the wind, thinking I heard voices.
Then I heard May fall down behind me from weariness. I knew this might happen, as she was up all of last night, worrying about me, as I had a fever and was throwing up my dinner. I walked calmly over to her, I bent down, offered her my arm, and lifted her up. Then I told her, “just lean up against me,” I said, being sincere. “and don’t try to save you tough reputation by turning down my offer, I know your tired.” I ordered her. “okay, thanks lance” her words were slipping, she came up and leaned against me. I put my arm against her other side, to keep her balanced. I felt the heat of her rough tired breaths against my shoulder. “that’s it May, its going to be alright.” I told her, reasurring her with almost false hope. It just has to be alright, it just has to, I thought.
I had to keep May awake for the rest of the day. She kept on falling asleep on my shoulder and nearly falling down. So, after about three hours of that, I picked her up and carried her in both arms, that way she could sleep. And sleep she did, for the rest of the day. I don’t know why, but carring May wasn’t to hard. I still had energy, and a lot of it. I could see a town a head. And most towns have inns. It was a rough town from what I could see, a lot of old buildings. I saw the dust flying through the air, swirling and twisting as it went. Then my hours of walking finnaly caught up with me. I started getting dizzy, I saw everything bluring up. I was getting closer and closer. I could hardly see know. Almost to the first house, there. Then I collapsed.
The first thing I saw when I woke up was a tattered, once whitewashed ceiling. I heard voices coming from another room.
“do you think shes ok?” the first voice said.
“of course shes ok, but what about him, he looked pretty beat up.” A second voice sternly replied. “ oh yes, we should go wake them up now, shouldn’t we?” the first voice said as it was coming closer. Then I saw them, they both wore tatterd old clothes with beat up boots. The first voice on was a women. She was large with red hair. The other voice was a man with a big body and reddish brown hair. But they both looked part hillbilly. They looked at me strangley.
“Hes awake,” the man said. “lets go check on the girl.” Then they walked to the other side of the room. I hadn’t noticed the other couch that May was on before. I looked at her, her eyes were closed. I started moving. My weapons made a rattling noise as they banged together. I saw Mays shirt was ripped. She had a cut that I hadn’t noticed before on her belly. I looked on my shirt, there was warm sticky blood on my shirt alright. I moved, and got up slowly, and started walking over to my dear friends side. They hillbilly couple moved away, making me a path to get to May. I uttered her name quitley, trying to wake her up. Then louder, then she slowly opened both eyes. “Lance, where are we?” She asked wearily. Before I could answer,even though I had no answer our hosts spoke up. “you are in the house of Neil and Racheal Quinta.” The women who must be Racheal told us as she came closer. “Yeah,” Neil started coolly. “we found you on our porch.” He finished even cooler.
Then, suddenly coming back to the thoughts of my journey- I realized May and I had to get going. So, I wearily grabbed Mays hand with one hand and shifted her into a sitting position with the other. I softly muttered to her that we had to get going, and lifted her to her feet, then we where heading to the door when Neil, annoyed, shouted back at us that we owe him and his wife, that we cant just cant walk out like this and a lot of other junk I just calmy replied that we cant really pay you now, and to shout for us in a few decades. To BE CONTINUED
venc
anyone?? please?? I have been waiting days for a reply. =(
venc
I hate to spam, but ists been, like, a week, and I still have no reply, waz up with dat?
tidruG
venc wrote:
I hate to spam, but ists been, like, a week, and I still have no reply, waz up with dat?
That's a very long post... maybe that's why people haven't read it... Wink

Anyway, I'll read it now, and let you know what I thought of it..

By the way, it may interest you to know that we're going to introduce a writing contest soon... it includes writing in poetry or prose, and it'll be bi-monthly.
Maybe you would like to suggest some themes or topics on which we can hold the contest? (PM me)
venc
oh god, thank you for telling me that, I have been hoping that frihost would make one, and they do!!! okay, I will pm You!
tidruG
OK I read your story...
Here are a few thoughts:

1. You certainly have good imagination.

2. Your hero really does seem like a hero, although how a 13-year-old kid can do so much amazes me... well, it's still good imagination though... and I suppose that the hero's story gets revealed slowly as the story progresses?

3. Take care of silly spelling errors ("should have" instead of "should of", and "woman" instead of "women")

4. I didn't understand where they're going... My first guess was that they were going to the other estate, but then you haven't really specified which direction they take and stuff, so it got a bit confusing...

Also, very little is said of the battle... and if the battle was against a nemessis with a big army, one would expect that the hero and his girlfriend couldn't have stayed in the house for a day and a half, or so I think Razz

But I'll say again that it shows promise.. it certainly does.
venc
tidruG wrote:
OK I read your story...
Here are a few thoughts:

1. You certainly have good imagination.

2. Your hero really does seem like a hero, although how a 13-year-old kid can do so much amazes me... well, it's still good imagination though... and I suppose that the hero's story gets revealed slowly as the story progresses?

3. Take care of silly spelling errors ("should have" instead of "should of", and "woman" instead of "women")

4. I didn't understand where they're going... My first guess was that they were going to the other estate, but then you haven't really specified which direction they take and stuff, so it got a bit confusing...

Also, very little is said of the battle... and if the battle was against a nemessis with a big army, one would expect that the hero and his girlfriend couldn't have stayed in the house for a day and a half, or so I think Razz

But I'll say again that it shows promise.. it certainly does.
yes, his story gets revealed more and more as you go one. also, Lance And may arent a couple, just friend,s though that may be a good idea.... also, little is said of the battle because I didnt want to waste so much time on that, but when I go over the story, I will probabaly lengthen it. and about the typos, I have a crappy version of word, so it doesnt go over it to good. also, thanks for the reveiw! (ps, another reason I think you didnt understand much is because its a sequel!
tidruG
venc wrote:
(ps, another reason I think you didnt understand much is because its a sequel!

Aha!
No wonder I didn't understand it too well, then!
venc
lol, ya, I shouldve got the first one up first, eh? I didnt though because I prefer the sequel, if you want I can post the first one.?
tidruG
venc wrote:
lol, ya, I shouldve got the first one up first, eh? I didnt though because I prefer the sequel, if you want I can post the first one.?

I wouldn't mind that but college started this Monday, and I don't think I'll have enough time to read it, sorry Sad
venc
ok, but your starting college? I just got out of middle school for the summer!
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