I have many friends, few are close to me. But I can not trust anyone as one of my friends had hurt me in a big way in past.
Though, the new friends are good, I have inferiority complex that they would break my trust, so I don't share my personal stuffs with them, which makes them angry sometimes on me.
What should I do? I mean, I know they are trust worthy but though I can not trust them. Something is stopping me...
Well, this is quite a difficult situation, I think I've gone through something similar, too. Until today, I'm afraid to share some of my secrets with anyone, though I know it would help me a lot. A good thing could be trying to share your life with your friends gradually, starting from little things that are not that important to you, and when you find them reliable in those little things it would be easier to trust them in more important matters.
I hope some day I could trust my best friends (or at least my boyfriend) totally. Wish you good luck, too
a tough situation indeed. and a nice story about FEAR also...
Ask yourself the big question: WHAT are you afraid of? and ask yourself WHY? don't be satisfied with the first awnser. keep asking until you are at the core of the things you are wrestling with. (sometimes this means asking the why question over and over again. Like, I'm afraid of being hurt, why? because it makes me feel small? why does being hurt make me feel small? etc...) This might give you insights in WHY you are afraid and why you have these irrational fears. (because that's what I believe they are).
really, I urge you to see a social worker or somebody who can give you professional help. This is not a question you ask easilly on a forum, because the awnser is so hugely complicated and also depends on who YOU yourself are and what you're made of. This is the best help I can give you (As I'm a social worker myself).
A friend of mine coped with his irrational fear to go out on the streets. When he was frightened by the crowd, he said to hemself: "What would anybody without this fear say to me AT THIS VERY MOMENT??" The awnser for him always was "Your fears are irrational. Though it's ok to be scared, there's no reason to". This helped him to look at himself from the view of an outsider and helped him become calm over and over again. actually a really helpfull way of learning who you are and why you are that way.
So, try to talk. To your friends (tell them little tiny bits of yoourself at first), to yourself (examin your fears from an ousider looking in) and to a professional (learning to cope with the fears.).
It is very tough to get the solution of this matter, coz whenever I come across with my friends and sharing personal stuffs, this fear arises within me of being untrusted or of being cheated. I know, not all friends are like that ,but the fear remains there
This is a tough situation - and it's a difficult place to be. The good thing is that you seem really self-aware, so that is definitely a good place to start.
Trust. It's such an interesting concept. It's nearly impossible to ever know if you can trust anyone completely and forever. There is no special test that tells you if you can trust someone. It's somewhat a leap of faith. Yes, it's scary to fall, and yes, it is definitely a horrible feeling to have when you are betrayed. Still, some people would argue that it is worth it.
All I can say is, give it time and take things slow. Identifying what makes you afraid is a good start. Picking a few people you thinking are most trustworthy, and then sharing with them little details everyday, until you are comfortable enough to share bigger ones with them are good. It takes time to build trust, and the time needed is different for everyone, so be patient with yourself.
Good luck with this!
Usually, when I tell someone one of my secrets, I think one thing, "if this secret were to get out, what would be the best way to joke about it?" However, there are atill some secrets that are just too big to tell unless there was someone I absolutely trusted (my girlfriend!). However, alot of my friends have told me alot of their personal secrets. Why? Because they know that I am great at keeping secrets. Seriously, if I was told the meaning of life and told to never told anyone, I'd say "k" and not tell anyone. Not only that, but I give them advice on how to cope with these secrets. So, all I'm really saying is, if their is anything you have, a secret or a problem, you can trust me, I won't tell anyone, and I'll try to give you some advice. I can understand you'd be suspicious, you know, being online and whatnot, but I can assure you that I can be trusted. You don't have to if you don't want to, though.
|rightclickscott wrote: |
|Usually, when I tell someone one of my secrets, I think one thing, "if this secret were to get out, what would be the best way to joke about it?" |
good thinking, helps a bit.
I just think trust is being able to tell a secret without worrying about whether it'll get spread or not..
|asforoneday wrote: |
|I just think trust is being able to tell a secret without worrying about whether it'll get spread or not.. |
exactly, you're right, but the point is how to build trust? ok once you have bulit enough trust on someone, let's say I have built enough trust on you, i can tell you everything, witohut fear and hesitation coz I trust you for you not spreading it outside, but the point is... how to trust enough without fear.
|It is very tough to get the solution of this matter, coz whenever I come across with my friends and sharing personal stuffs, this fear arises within me of being untrusted or of being cheated. I know, not all friends are like that ,but the fear remains there |
I'm curious: what happened before that you develloped this fear? is it a series of events or a single event? how did you react in this situation? and how did you feal afterwards?
There must be a reason why you develloped this fear of being betrayed by the people you like. I know its not always easy to explore painfull experiences but in this matter, give yourself a chance. you have nothing to lose!
(it seems to me that your distrust even shines through on this forum... telling as little as you can. is that true??)
¡@¡@Sometimes trust depends on both sides.
¡@¡@Whenever you don't trust people, you won't tell them your innermost secrets. And do you know what secrets are? In my opinion, secrets are those stuffs with some individual feelings and may be a kind of tool to hurt oneself. You don't trust them; then you never tell them secrets. However, this leads to some terrible feelings. You can't vent out what may disturb you all day and sometimes you just feel blue.
¡@¡@In fact, the world we live in is full of dangers. By contrast, it also provides some brightness. Therefore, in light of what had happened to me, I will recommend that you find someone to talk and trust the one you think really true to you. After all, we need take some risks in order to gain something.
its a rule i stick by... the only ppl i can trust are my family... really close family...
as for friends, i chill with em and can talk with em... but trust is not something i will put on my friends
if you trust someone it is basically letting your guard down, if they have reasons for going against your trust u will get hurt and will b at a major disadvantage
remember "TRUST NOBODY" and live by it... i do