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How Fast is Too Fast?





Starflier
My girlfriend and I have been going for a little more than two months. We love eachother, we have a lot in common, and everything seems to be going alright. We met in a design class at the local college, I'm 17 and she's 20.

Before we even consitered entering into a relationship, I made it clear that I didn't want to get stuck in a short-term relationship, and that I wouldn't be ready for any real commitment for annother four years. (It was a kind of weird thing... neither of us were "looking", we just sort of fell for eachother)

One of the things I like about her is that she doesn't mince words or hint at things, she's very good at stating her needs and desires plainly, without all the usual deciphering necessary when communicating with a female.

Anyway, she recently informed me that she would like to get married as soon as I'm old enough, and would like to sleep together sooner if the oppertunity arises. I knew that we were moving awfully fast, (We shared our first real kiss after two weeks) but I honestly didn't expect this for annother year at least.

Fortunately she's not pushy, though she is very persuasive. And while my head is sure that slowing down a bit is probably the best idea, my hormones have some different oppinions, and they have a tendancy to take over when I'm around her.

Is this situation at all normal? Does anyone have any advice?
Citizen Kane
First of all, you're one lucky guy! I've even got to meet the lucky B*STARD who experiences this. You're even luckier considering the age difference, women tend to go for men a couple of years older than themselves. It's also very rare to find women who state their needs so clearly as she does apparently. So, keep this one.

As far as sharing your first kiss after two weeks, I think this is normal in the world of today. Here in the netherlands there is a culture to go out and score people, while you could've never met them in your whole life! And that's just kissing, there are also a lot of people who go for a thing called a "one-night-stand" of have s*x as soon as possible with their newly aquired boyfriend. So the term on when you shared your first kiss is not a weird thing in my opinion. Actually quite good! First getting to know eachother...

I can imagine that the idea of marriage after only two onths of having a relationship can sound really weird en sounds like your going too fast. personally, if I where in your shoes, I would think it over very carefully, just because of the legal consequenses of for instance getting a divorce. Marriage is not something to take lightly. You make the promise of staying together for your WHOLE LIFE and to take care of eachother in good and bad times. This is quite the thing...

Glad she's not pushy. But ask yourself if you know her good enough to get married in the near feature. Give it some time and keep talking about this in the meantime. don't be silent about what you feel or think. And don't be afraid to make a promise. If your still together in a couple of months, why should it be wrong to get married then?

As far as sleeping together (and her offer to do this:) you lucky f**k. Not many girls offering this in such a way to their boyfriend on this way! Tell me, is their a special reason for not sleaping together already? is it because of age?? sleeping together for the first time after two moths is (in my opinion) neither soon nor late (but this also depends on your own opinion or culture).
Devang
all what you have mentioned is normal, totally normal. just watch your steps, that's it. if you both are happy with each other, then there is nothing wrong in getting married.


about your hormone stuff, you can share it with her freely.

just dont keep your thoughts within you only, share them with her too..
briancoit
First off, wear a condom!

Seriously, while the idea of marriage might seem to soon, if you're happy then go for it! It wont happen overnight though, so if you can last the wait, you're relationship is probably as good for it as it'll ever be! Might be an idea to move in together first though, as i'm sure theres nothing worse than getting married and realising you cant actually live with the other person!

First kiss after two weeks really isnt bad, here in the UK its probably quite a while to wait! As for the sex, do whatever you feel is comfortable! If you want to wait then tell your partner, and explain why. Again, here in the UK, its probably not uncommon for it to happen days after starting seeing eachother.

With my girlfriend, we waited about two months before actually having sex, even when she was staying at my house. The reason being, sex for me is a pretty big thing, and i've never before had the feelings that I have for her, so I wanted to be sure it was real, and I could totally trust her, given that she's not long out of a 3-year marriage.

At the end of the day, what you do is your choice, just relax and trust your head/heart - the only way you're gonna be truely happy.
alkady
Two words: Carpe Diam
freecitizen
Um. Two months? Love? Marriage?

What the ----.

How the hell do you think you're in love with someone after being in a relationship with them for two months? -- and WHY would she bring up marriage (which, by the way, is a commitment to be with someone for the rest of your lives because you're 100% sure you are soulmates)..

That's a bit crazy to me, honestly. It just seems a bit too fast on the emotional level. As for the phyisal, I think it's too slow. Kissing only after two weeks? Seems really slow.

Sex at this point is fine. If it's your first time, though.. Just make sure you love her enough to give her something as precious as that. And have safe sex.

Is it legal for her to be dating and sleeping with a 17 year old where you're from?

Where are you from?
briancoit
freecitizen wrote:
Um. Two months? Love? Marriage?

What the ----.

How the hell do you think you're in love with someone after being in a relationship with them for two months? -- and WHY would should bring up marriage (which, by the way, is a commitment to be with someone for the rest of your lives because you're 100% sure you are soulmates)..

That's a bit crazy to me, honestly. It just seems a bit too fast on the emotional level. As for the phyisal, I think it's too slow. Kissing only after two weeks? Seems really slow.

Sex at this point is fine. If it's your first time, though.. Just make sure you love her enough to give her something as precious as that. And have safe sex.

Is it legal for her to be dating and sleeping with a 17 year old where you're from?

Where are you from?


Matter of opinion though...

Personally I dont think everyone has the same definition of 'love' - I think a relationship works when two people have the same "definition".

I do agree though, that marriage is a serious thing and shouldnt be taken lightly. The very fact this topic is here, probably says you're not ready for marriage. If there's doubts, then you need to get past them first, and work out what you really want.

It seems that if she's as open about things as you say she is, then you should talk to her about things, and tell her EXACTLY how you feel about everything. Fighting feelings doesnt work, on any level, imo.
livilou
I have to agree with briancoit on a lot of what was said.

First off, talk to her. She sounds like she's willing to take your feelings into consideration. If you are seriously considering marriage, you need to be able to communicate with each other about anything. Start with this. My husband and I dated a lot less that you and your girlfriend did and the first year was really, really hard on us. Had we not been able to talk, we wouldn't have made it. Now we've been married for over 20 years.

As far as the s*x, I'm proud of you for waiting, but I'm a mom and can't help but look at it like that. Looking back, I wished I had waited and I'm not just saying this because I am a mom. I'm saying this because it's true. S*x before you're ready isn't any good.

The best advice my mom ever gave me was "If you have any doubts, don't", it's advice I still follow today. There's a reason you're head is telling you to wait, chances are, you just don't know what they are yet. Give it time, you're still young and have plenty of time to think about it.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's the correct choice for you. You're the one that has to live with it.
Trapper
It's best to wait until you're married. That is what God wants you to do. The question is simple and certainly the conscience is the reason you asked.

The fact that she's older and you're only 17 is another reason. At 17, the hormones are absolutely racing and certainly the brain isn't ready for commitment.

Give it time and if she can wait a few years or more, then you really have a gem. It will be worth the wait. If you dive in too soon, you'll surely regret it someday--both in guilt and for your future wife.
briancoit
Trapper wrote:
It's best to wait until you're married. That is what God wants you to do. The question is simple and certainly the conscience is the reason you asked.

The fact that she's older and you're only 17 is another reason.


without being too offensive, are you being serious?!

How is it simply "best to wait until you're married"? Just seriously wondering about the logic behind that. If two people love eachother, they're perfectly entitled to venture into 'the world of sex', and not being married doesnt simply mean you're not ready for it.

As for the 'that is what god wants comment' - i'm not religious, so for some reason I take offense to that comment, i'd even go as far as to say its a narrow-minded comment! To go on further, I believe that even if there is a god, how you think you can be sure you know what 'god wants', its beyond me.

Just seems to me, you've almost tried to push religion and opinion on someone - rather than just help them develop their own opinion! In our modern day, I dont think thats right at all. People are entitled to make their own choices. A dated book that really could have originated from anywhere... well.... enough said!

omg, just realised im probably anti-religious! Wink Laughing
Sappho
Trapper wrote:
It's best to wait until you're married. That is what God wants you to do. The question is simple and certainly the conscience is the reason you asked.


I would really disagree with you here, it would be the worst thing they could do, what IF they dont "click" sexually, then it will be too late to reevaluate the relationship when they are already married. :/

BTW if there is a god that WANTS something from me, he is simply not worth to worship whatsoever.
Jaiye
dude, you're taking it fine...

in the college party scene, 4 hours is taking it slow.

yeah, that kinda messes with my head also, but whatever.
sumangurung
Well, you are one lucky guy!! and i know your confusion and this is one point that every person goes through in their life.
What is right and what is wrong? There is no answer to this and time will tell whether some is right or not. But again, sometimes some thing is right and sometimes is not. Everything is a paradox in this world. and i know i am not helping you at all with all my gibberish but man, this is the fact.
Someone might come up to you and say this is the right thing and who know down the line you might find, it was totally wrong. But let me take this chance to be that guy to give you some piece of my feelings about this.
Do what you feel is right. IF this is really important, then give it your honest decision, and put a lot of trust and faith in this relationship and everything should be good. Good relationship comes once in a while and you dont want to mess this up. But that doesnot mean agreeing to whatever your girl says. This is the tricky part, you have to act wise and smart if you want to keep this long and kicking. All the best.
Linda_B
Quote:
"one-night-stand" of have s*x as soon as possible with their newly aquired boyfriend


Sorry to be picky, but a one-night-stand means that you would only see the person for that night, have a good time without any strings attached. There generally shouldn't be any hope of a relationship because that's not what defines a one nighter.

I'm slightly more modern in all this, for me, sex is a basic need like food and clothes. We were born with the desire, hence it's as normal to look for a partner to answer the desire as finding food when you are hungry. Obviously, not a the same frequency, but it's not like we aren't obusing not having to go hunting for our food either Rolling Eyes different topic..

It's perfectly possible to feel in love with a person after such a short period of time and I'm a big supporter of taking it slow when it comes to a person you are hoping to have a longer relationship with. If you rush, you might misstep and ruin it. Taking it slow helps the process of getting to know each other at the level you are supposed to in a deep and hearty relationship.
Still, personally I feel that passion is a huge part of any relationship. If you haven't tried it out with your partner before making big plans on weddings, you cannot know if this person is the one for you. There are many cases where the passion just isn't right. The sex life isn't enjoyed by both and things crumble.
Why do you have to talk about marriage just yet? You are 17 and 20, so it's not exactly like you are in a rush. Why not take a relationship step by step as it deserves and get to know the other person on all levels first before you start discussing plans for such long commitments.
Fire Boar
Seriously, believe me: the best thing you can do is have s*x after you're married. It's not just a religious thing, it's like... if you jump in then it might go drastically wrong. As for not "clicking", if you really do love someone that much then there's absolutely 0% chance of it going off badly. If you really love each other then you'll enjoy it regardless. I'd advise you to go for it. Get married when you're of age and I promise you it will be the best decision of your life. In the old days, people got married as young as 13 (in some eastern countries this is still the case). And remember about arranged marriages: 9 out of 10 times love develops from that.

If you're bold enough to jump at the opportunity, go for it. Just restrain yourselves from having s*x until you're married, you won't regret it.
drakordern
Go with your feelings.

I΄m in love and it΄s great, she moved in when we had been together for 36 days and we are still happy and in love after 10 months.

So go with your gut feeling
Linda_B
Fire Boar wrote:
Get married when you're of age and I promise you it will be the best decision of your life. In the old days, people got married as young as 13 (in some eastern countries this is still the case). And remember about arranged marriages: 9 out of 10 times love develops from that.


I'd like to see both proof and statistics of that since you seem so sure.
In the old days women were surpressed and had to cook and clean for their husbands liking. Switzerland didn't enforce women voting rights until the 1970s and many countries still don't have them, many of those actually also still have arranged marriages. In my opinion, thinking marriage with 13 is alright is highly out of date, todays times don't function like that anymore.
Sabrina
How are your situations financially, etc? Are both of you independent? I think you should consider marriage when it's appropriate for the both of you. Love alone is never enough. I'm glad to hear you're 17 and not really into rushing things. It's a very mature thing for a guy your age to say. I started dating when I was 16 (and my guy was 16 too). We were moving too fast physically, so there wasn't enough space to get to know each other properly. We're still together (we're now 23) but it's been very difficult for me especially because he's always talking about marriage and anything considered "moving too fast". I think getting to know a person you like a lot is a wonderful experience itself, so why rush to anything else?

I think you should talk to your girlfriend about how you feel, and maybe talk about any changes (good or bad) that might happen if you do take the big leap. All the best. Cool
briancoit
Fire Boar wrote:
Seriously, believe me: the best thing you can do is have s*x after you're married. It's not just a religious thing, it's like... if you jump in then it might go drastically wrong. As for not "clicking", if you really do love someone that much then there's absolutely 0% chance of it going off badly. If you really love each other then you'll enjoy it regardless. I'd advise you to go for it. Get married when you're of age and I promise you it will be the best decision of your life. In the old days, people got married as young as 13 (in some eastern countries this is still the case). And remember about arranged marriages: 9 out of 10 times love develops from that.

If you're bold enough to jump at the opportunity, go for it. Just restrain yourselves from having s*x until you're married, you won't regret it.


My own personal opinion.... you're mad! or you have a very straightforward way of looking at relationships - and by that I mean no offence.

You say it *might* go drastically wrong... so could a marriage - and these days they tend to. Also, your 'get married when you're of age and i promise....' comment, different people take different things from relationships - I know people who have said getting married was the worst thing they've ever done - including my girlfriend!
Starflier
Ack...

Um, appearently I read a little too much into this... I'd like to appologize to said girlfriend... I should have talked to you about it and not a bunch of strangers...
CameraKitten
Well, I am said girlfriend in this. Lol. Its now three months, yay. Uhm, I actually never implied sex, I did emply marriage, moving in, and a little deeper on the intimacy level, but NOT sex. I am not going to cave before the wedding. He can wait. I am worth it. We are both Pentecostal Christians, waiting is the ONLY choice. Just thought I'd pop in and defend myself, there.

I dunno, I guess I'm at that place where I know I am going to marry him, and I know I am going to be happy, and I dont want to stall about it. But males are usually the slower ones when it comes to committment...
Citizen Kane
First of all, HELL YEAH for showing up. It's about time people started TALKING to eachother and not hiding away by only asking questions on forums like this! (I was only waiting for this example to happen, people whom it concerns reading reactions and reacting on their loved ones. I Guess your one of the first here!)

@ Starflier: Talk to your girlfriend is the thing you should've done in the first place if you ask me. Your situation could've been solved much easier and quicker. You could've gotten your awnsers first-hand from said girlfriend. I hope this is what you do in the future, because "communicating" is prerecuisite number 1 in a relationship.

@ CameraKitten: Good for showing up. I might as well reason that you've allready talked with your boyfriend in person (if not, don't read any further, but do that instead). The choice of sex before or after marriage is a personal one and I cannot reflect on that one. But I hope your religious conviction doesn't get in the way of your love. (I'm convinced it doesn't, but couldn't help mentioning it) Also, you'd be surprised at what males can accomplish in terms of commitment. But thumbs up for talking to him about it and mentioning your needs.
Realising you're at the place where you know you're gonna marry him is quite a bit. I believe you for one, but life can bring so much things in a very short while. Even if you KNOW you're gonna marry him, try to be open to the future and just see what happens. It could be a bigger dissapointment to both of you if it turns out that marriage is NOT an option.

Last but not least: HAVE FUN!! A relationship should be having fun together , enjoying eachothers love and doing nice things together. It's good to talk about important things, but never forget having a great time together!!

(forgive me my ranting. I'm sure you all know this stuff, but when I look around in my personal life, I see people making the same mistakes over and over again. so... utterly depressing!)
ankur.vatsa
--------------------------------------------
cavey
Many relationships (that is wonderfull after 2 months) ends after 3 months, 6 months, or maybe a year or three. Marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life. Many people find the right person when they are 17. How can you be sure she is the one? After 2 months?

You say you know you are moving awfully fast, and you did not expect this for another year. Why not wait another year or two? If its the right one, you will still be together then. If not, well, then it was a good thing you did not get married.
CameraKitten
Guys hold on. Lol. I'm not saying I am not going to wait. We're NOT getting married tomorrow. Lol. We HAVE to wait till he's out of GRADE SCHOOL, for one, lol, and we HAVE to wait until at LEAST he is financially established to support two maybe three people (We have a "pet fox" coming up from the states to move in with us too), and so a wedding isnt realistic for another 2 years, maybe three or even FOUR...Even if the wedding itself was fully paid for, at this point in time, us both would have to get low-paying jobs to live, and I'd much rather be a stay-at-home mom/wife/sister (Said "Fox" is my adopted ish brother), with him having a good job, or at the least our own catering business where we can work side by side at our own pace...So, a wedding isnt for a couple years, even if I want it to be like, next week. It just isnt financially pheesable, reguardless if I am ready for the committment. I know Robin maybe not as well as I should, but I know enough to know that he and I will live happilly together. He is very attentive and sensitive to my needs, and I feel I am to him as well. I've spent alot of time with his family, and most of that time helping him with his young siblings. It's kind of silly, but I can actually invision him being a wonderful father, and a wonderful husband. I know this without a shadow of a doubt. So, in short, I'll wait, cause I have to. Lol.
Jaiye
Honestly, if a girl was saying this to me after 2 months, I would be creeped the ****** out. Physically I don't care how fast you go, wear a condom and don't get the girl pregant. But planning getting married and supporting a family 3 years into the future after only two months seems insane, scary even. From my experience, lots of red flags for different emotional problems pop up.
CameraKitten
Well, you're just alot less emotionally mature than the two of us. No, that wasnt an insult or a bad smear. Its just how some people are. My boyfriend and I are very emotionally secure, and we both are very fast learners as well as very fast adapters. To us, its natural to know fast, know well, and know that we know that we know. For others, that isnt natural. So, judging our situation on your own emotional capacity is like sticking a square peg in a round hole.
Jaiye
yes, I'm a lot less emotionally mature and secure Rolling Eyes

you do realize this kid you're talking about is 17, right? Sure, I don't know your emotional capacity, but I've sure as hell seen a lot of relationships. I've seen the ones the end up in beautiful weddings, and the ones crushed against the rocks. Don't think that I have no idea what I'm talking abot.

Quote:
I guess I'm at that place where I know I am going to marry him


that's just putting way too much pressure on the relationship way too early. Have you even had your first real argument yet? I'm not saying you won't get married and live happily ever after, but the fact that you seem fixated on it is really not a good sign.

If you re-read your last post objectively, you can see that it was like a high schooler trying to explain puppy-love. And that's not an insult or a smear, but saying "you don't know me, you can't understand me" isn't very mature.
ankur.vatsa
Dunno of others . . . . but I don't like it when it get personal among two people on someone else's topic . . . Smile . . . . care to write what u think of the original post & not comment on the recent post please (Though I've done so . . . . unintentionally Very Happy )
Starflier
Jaiye wrote:
Honestly, if a girl was saying this to me after 2 months, I would be creeped the **** out.


I think that's pretty general... Meeting Kari was weird though, I started talking to her and we clicked. It was like we'd known eachother our entire lives. So to start dating after a little less than a month, then talking about marrage right away wasn't as unsettling as it should have been. Mostly what freaked me out was how she kept whittling away the planned time until said wedding from four to seven years down to the day I turn eighteen...
Starflier
livilou wrote:
I have to agree with briancoit on a lot of what was said.

First off, talk to her. She sounds like she's willing to take your feelings into consideration. If you are seriously considering marriage, you need to be able to communicate with each other about anything. Start with this. My husband and I dated a lot less that you and your girlfriend did and the first year was really, really hard on us. Had we not been able to talk, we wouldn't have made it. Now we've been married for over 20 years.

As far as the s*x, I'm proud of you for waiting, but I'm a mom and can't help but look at it like that. Looking back, I wished I had waited and I'm not just saying this because I am a mom. I'm saying this because it's true. S*x before you're ready isn't any good.

The best advice my mom ever gave me was "If you have any doubts, don't", it's advice I still follow today. There's a reason you're head is telling you to wait, chances are, you just don't know what they are yet. Give it time, you're still young and have plenty of time to think about it.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's the correct choice for you. You're the one that has to live with it.


Hey thanks! Nice to hear from someone with some real experience in this area...
Starflier
Trapper wrote:
It's best to wait until you're married. That is what God wants you to do. The question is simple and certainly the conscience is the reason you asked.

The fact that she's older and you're only 17 is another reason. At 17, the hormones are absolutely racing and certainly the brain isn't ready for commitment.

Give it time and if she can wait a few years or more, then you really have a gem. It will be worth the wait. If you dive in too soon, you'll surely regret it someday--both in guilt and for your future wife.


Just because you got shot down so many times for that comment, let me say that I for one appreciated it...

For everyone who doesn't, thank you for your too sense worth, here's mine:

The happiest couples I've known not only waited until they were married to have sex, but didn't actually "date". They were best friends for a long time before they actually fell in love.

With Kari though... Well, like I said. It felt like we'd been friends for a long time, before long we started flirting with eachother (note to girls: don't flirt with a guy unless you want him to take you seriously...) And when the question of dating came up I was pretty sure that I wanted to.
Burritovision
Whatever you do, be comfortable with yourself and do what you believe to be right. Know that love is the answer. I applaud you for searching for marriage and long term stable relationship.

Know that sex means so much. It is an act that could possibly produce a baby, in any circumstance, and you two should be ready for that kind of thing in the event. Or it's too soon!
CameraKitten
OKAY BACK THE TRUCK UP. I am being massley miss-interpereted, here. Slow down, shaddup, and hold on here.

Jaiye. You are being very unfair. You arent a christian. (And if you are you're a very bad one.) You arent us. You arent in our situation. You're judging our situation on a few blocks of text and you're assuming ALOT. I never said "You dont know me, you can't understand me." I said you cant comprehend our choices because you're at a different level. And futhermore, my boyfriend might be 17, but in his mind and heart he is much older than me, and thats why I love him so deeply. He is more of a man then I can see you EVER being, Jaiye. You think with two different aspects; Sex, and Self-gratification. You cant comprehend true love because TRUE love superseeds time AND reality. I am not in this relationship because of what my love can do for me or even the physical sexuality which currenly is nonexistant; Its because I love who he is, and I chose him to dedicate myself to, to give him whatever I could, simply because he is such a wonderful man. And yes, I do say MAN, not KID. He is a MAN, one you will never comprehend. And, Lord forgive me, I am about to be very un-christian. Get off my goddamn back and get the eff back in line.

Cavey. Like I said to Jaiye, Love superseeds time and reality. Two months in love can feel like 20 years to some, while to others its only a few moments. I feel like I've known my boyfriend for eternity and will eternity to come, all in only three months. This is how I know. Two months, two years, twenty....Its all the same inside the heart.

Starflier. My love. My all. I never said eighteen. Lol. I said once it's legal, which in Canada is NINETEEN, and 16 with parental signature. Meaning, unless you ask your mother, We have to wait. I also said that it cant happen until it's financially pheesable, but ideally it would BE 19, which is what I meant. I nevermeant to imply that I wanted a wedding at your 18th. Lol. *Kiss.* I dont think either one of us would be ready for a wedding, financially speaking...

Everyone: How the HEEEEEEEEEELL did sex get into this!?!? I never meant I wanted sex, just intimacy, which to a female means romance...Lol...
Jaiye
haha ****** you bitch. you have no idea where I come from. What I have gone through in 'christianity' would scare you, I guarentee it. You couldn't imagine the experiences I have had. if you want to hear stories, go ahead and PM me because they're not stories most people could even begin to comprehend. You're being just as much as a hypocrite as you're claiming I am, making full on judgements about me from a few lines of text.

If you think I can't understand true love then you are deeply, deeply mistaken. And I say kid because he his not yet an adult. And do you want to know what really supersedes time and reality? Impulsiveness and idealistic fantasies. True love takes time to grow, even if you do 'feel like you've known each other for years', you HAVEN'T.

And if you look at your boyfriends first post, HE was the one who brought sex into it. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm getting on your goddamn back but you're the one who first resorted to personal attacks and this is being discussed on an open forum so play the game or log off.
Starflier
Kay, I'm ignoring this topic now. Sorry for starting it in the first place. Like I said, I missunderstood what was happening and I'm sorry about that.

Jaiye: Thank you for your concern. **** *** *** ******** *******

camerakitten: Again, sorry for starting this. If it makes you feel any better, I've gotten a lot more comfortable with you in the time since I made the first post. If I were you, I wouldn't encourage people like Jaiye. It's unhealthy.
Starflier
Jaiye wrote:

Quote:
I guess I'm at that place where I know I am going to marry him


that's just putting way too much pressure on the relationship way too early.


True, but I didn't mind when it was "Someday" It only got pressureful when it became "as soon as possible"
cavey
Good luck to you both! Only you two know what is in your heart. As long as you both really want this, and truly love each other. You still have some time left, right? Its not like you are getting married tomorrow.

When you ask for advice in a situation like this, and we only get to see one side of the story, and we cannot see the "big picture" like yourselves can, it is easy coming with advice that will not fit you. I'm sure all of these advices are well meant.

My advice are based on my own relationships. I have been together with a boyfriend for 3 years and it wasnt the right one, even though it felt like that untill the end.

My parents though married at 17/19 years old, and they are still (30 years later) happily married and very much in love.

Again, good luck, and I wish you both a happy life together.
Code of Ruin
You are still very young to be in such a serious relationship. At the age of 17, 3 years difference in age is quite a large difference. In the time between my 17th birthday and my 19th birthday, my character changed quite a lot. I became more serious and mature. Others have other traits that change. If I were you then I would wait at least till the age of 20 before making such an important decission. Usually marriages forged this young aren't so happy anymore after 3-5 years.
CameraKitten
Quote:
At the age of 17, 3 years difference in age is quite a large difference.


Maybe now but oh em gee, when he's 30 I'll be 33, Oh Em Gee. Rolling Eyes Razz


C-Dog (Is your new nickname, Code, from meh): Hon, let me give you a little insight into the character of my beloved.

-He is the oldest of FOUR kids, meaning he is the most responcible and the most mature.
-He is the main parent to those kids, because his father works in another city and his mother relies on him most of the time.
-He is more mature than ME, and I am 20.
-He is more serious than me, and I am 20.
-He is more mature than I was at 17, more responcible, and more serious about his faith than I was.
-Being the oldest, Psychologically speaking, the oldest ALWAYS matures ALOT faster then the youngest, and by FAR more than the middle.
-Being the most relied upon, also psychologically speaking, also causes speedy maturity.

My love isnt going to mature or change as drastically as you did, C-dog. He's already DONE his changing and maturity. The MOST changing happens differenly for different birthline; (Btw I got straight A's in Grade 10 ,11,and 12 Psychology...) For instance, a middle child does the most changing at 18-21, usually after the oldest leaves. The youngest changes from 17-19, when the oldest and middle often turn on the youngest or bicker with eachother. The OLDEST, however, changes from 13-16, ALOT earlier than the others. This is based on birth order, though generally speaking, changes are MOSTLY affected between 16-21, which is why teens are so "Changy". My baby has already CHANGED psychologically. And these changes are btw equivilant to the changes that one goes through at age 2. This is why adolesences are so troubled and problematic. That scale btw is for males.
Code of Ruin
I am not saying one should wait to the age of 30. You're not taking me seriously. With a age difference of three years I would wait at least till he is like 20. Since you're so keen to talk about psychology, I am not a psychologist therefore I can't say whether what you say about the maturing process is wrong or right. Still, these are only averages. I am the oldest child in my family. Indeed my character changed quite a lot between 14th and 15th birthday. I became less fun more work so to say because it was necessary for me, else I would have failed classes. From the time I was about 17 and a half years of age, I changed again. From already a hard worker, I became a harder worker. From being a bit of a push-over I became tougher. From never caring about anything, I went to looking after others.
Fact is that most changes done by the age of 20-21 (Not everybody agrees on age 21 but rather takes age 20). When one of the two partners isn't completely emotionally developped, marriages often blow up sooner or later because the partners character can change quite drastically. This results into a marriage with a partner that seems like a different person from the one you married. First there is still love, then there is tolerance, the there are fights, then there is divorce.
Off course this doesn't apply to everyone who marries at a young age. And by that I mean below 20 years of age.
Only thing I really disagree about is you stating that because someone is the oldest, he is the most responsible and the most mature. I know loads of families where that is different.
I am not saying that marrying at age below 20 is per definition a bad thing. I am just saying that I wouldn't recommend it. But maybe I am just a cynical old-fashioned man who has seen to much marriages break up because of this.
Anyway, if you do decide to marry as soon as legally possible I can only hope that your marriage will be a happy one. By the way, make sure that in the marital contract it is absolutely clear who get's what in case of a divorce. You don't want to be fighting over it if a marriage breaks up.
CameraKitten
Okay C-dog, I never said right now. I HAVE to wait, NO CHOICE in the matter, HAVE to wait till he's done school. Not only that, we both have to be able to PAY FOR IT and START A LIFE, meaning at the very least one of us is financially rooted. Thats not going to happen overnight, as much as I want it to. He's gonna be 20 by the time we can afford it. Lol. Btw, C-dog, do you RP? o.O
Code of Ruin
What do you mean by RP? I am sorry but I have truly no idea what you mean. The only meaning I know is Received Pronunciation. But judging my english skills and the plain fact that nobody here ever heard me speak english I don't think that's what you mean.
CameraKitten
This is off topic, I'll PM you...
Vlien
[quote="Linda_B"]
Quote:

It's perfectly possible to feel in love with a person after such a short period of time


Uhm, this is just so obvious, isn't it? I would never even start a relationship if I wasn't in love with the guy! Or, we're dealing with a different definition of "being in love" here. To me, scientifically spoken, it's a chemical reaction (soooo unromantic Laughing ).

I've been wandering around with the same questions as you. What is too soon? I think nothing's "too" soon, as long as you feel good about it.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for a month now. Our first date lasted (take hold of your chair!) two days and two nights! Laughing Haha. Nothing happened though, we just kissed and cuddled, nothing more. And as for the second day, I stayed at his place studying for my next exam while he was out working. It was kind of a weird situation, but it felt awfully good! There was just this instant "click", and there's nothing you can do about that Cool (note: we hadn't exactly planned the fact that I would stay over that first night... it was totally harmless and sweeeet... *sigh*)
About the marrying... I don't know... I can only compare it to my situation. We wouldn't go that far yet, I wouldn't even consider it now (though it feels as though I want to be with him forever), now and then we joke about having kids already Very Happy but that's ok, isn't it?
It just sounds weird to me... I would NEVER date a 16-year-old (I'm 19), but you sound pretty grown up for your age. Still, you're so young to get married! ...

(edit)
After a few more reads within this topic: seems like I've got myself mixed up in the wrong conversation!
I'm sorry for my squashiness and not having read far enough to see the posts strayed from the topic more and more. I'll leave mine here anyway.
cloudship
several months are too short in my opinion when talking about marriage, which should be the result after a thorough understanding of each other's life and thinking.

i think you are wise to slow down your relationship. of course it is necessary to let the girl be sure what you are thinking about. you two could make a long-term plan for your life together.

understanding is the common base of a deep and serious relationship. Then talk to her, and tell her your thoughts.

if she is really as good as you have described, you two should find the way by yourselves.
briancoit
Jaiye wrote:
Honestly, if a girl was saying this to me after 2 months, I would be creeped the **** out. Physically I don't care how fast you go, wear a condom and don't get the girl pregant.


Well said! Laughing
briancoit
Starflier wrote:
Jaiye wrote:

Quote:
I guess I'm at that place where I know I am going to marry him


that's just putting way too much pressure on the relationship way too early.


True, but I didn't mind when it was "Someday" It only got pressureful when it became "as soon as possible"


which means, in my opinion, if you're not at a level where you can actually commit, then you're not at a level where you can possibly begin to talk about that level of commitment

you dont know what the future holds, and to be honest i hope it works out for you, but be careful you're not rushing. Infact, be careful, period.
CameraKitten
Quote:
which means, in my opinion, if you're not at a level where you can actually commit, then you're not at a level where you can possibly begin to talk about that level of commitment

you dont know what the future holds, and to be honest i hope it works out for you, but be careful you're not rushing. Infact, be careful, period.



He's said to me several times that he's grown more comfy and more close to me since he posted this topic, so he was speaking in the past tense. We've actually gotten more closer. I dont think we're rushing.

Quote:
we're dealing with a different definition of "being in love" here. To me, scientifically spoken, it's a chemical reaction (soooo unromantic)


I resent that. I totally resent that. This is NOT just chamical. Our very meeting was orchistrated by God in such a way that it was a downright miracle we even met, and it was like fate smacked us in the head. I know him like NO ONE ELSE in my LIFE, and he knows me the same way. I moved to this little one-horse hick town by pure leading from God and I was also miraculously let into a class that was stalled because the final place was withdrawn ans the class was STALLED and I just -barely- made it in, another Godsend. How DARE you accuse our love of being CHEMICAL. **** You.
Linda_B
[quote="Vlien"]
Linda_B wrote:
Quote:

It's perfectly possible to feel in love with a person after such a short period of time


Uhm, this is just so obvious, isn't it? I would never even start a relationship if I wasn't in love with the guy! Or, we're dealing with a different definition of "being in love" here. To me, scientifically spoken, it's a chemical reaction (soooo unromantic Laughing ).



Interesting way to quote.... you sort of left out my point. When you feel in love, I find you should take it extra slow just so you dont accidently step on something and mess it up.

Other than that, yes, I agree. I'm quite the one to believe in chemical reactions as well, but that also means that they can stop just as easily and without explanation. Hard to explain that when you feel the need to break up.
Vlien
[quote="CameraKitten"]
Quote:
How DARE you accuse our love of being CHEMICAL. **** You.


He-ey, you lil' bitchy kitkat! That was not a statement directly beamed at the two of you. That's purely scientifically spoken. And "don't you" deny that, it happens to everyone of us. I don't say your "encounter" wasn't planned by God, he just wanted you to chemically react with one another, from which your love results. If you didn't, I doubt you ever would want to have sex with each other. How come, you think, that this is not the case with the average person you meet in the street?
Ever heard of HORMONES? So you are pretending there are no hormones involved? Open your eyes, smell the feromones. Again, it's normal, ok? I'm not saying YOU are animals or anything. Learn to bloody read and calm down. If you're so convinced of your own opinions, then why are you discussing your thoughts here in the first place?
Vlien
[quote="Linda_B"]
Quote:

Interesting way to quote.... you sort of left out my point. When you feel in love, I find you should take it extra slow just so you dont accidently step on something and mess it up.


I was aware of that, Linda B, I just thought it was way too logical that you can only start a relationship when you've both fallen in love (though that's often not the case, unfortunately).
kch0rr0
okay, I was reading this thread and acctually I was thinking, (I hope there are girls over here), if you love somebody, does it mean that you would do ANYTHING for that person?, Evil or Very Mad , I mean anything in bed for that person?, personnally I would say yes, but I'm not sure is it the same for girls.
Citizen Kane
kch0rr0 wrote:
okay, I was reading this thread and acctually I was thinking, (I hope there are girls over here), if you love somebody, does it mean that you would do ANYTHING for that person?, Evil or Very Mad , I mean anything in bed for that person?, personnally I would say yes, but I'm not sure is it the same for girls.


That depends on who you are and what you're made of I guess. People all experience different things and by that theory act different towards similar experiences. That makes each and every one of us so unique. I don't think that just girls (or women for that matter) act differently than boys, especially in bed. I've met boys who were shy in bed (at least that's what they told me...) but I've also met girls who were willing to do anything in bed instantly after dating (experiencing this for myself).

Been following this thread a little while. Seems that emotions are running a little high sometimes and with certain people. First of all, let me state that I can understand these emotions. Feeling critisised for the love you feel for eachother is a pretty nasty feeling. No matter what the initial story might be, or what the initial reaction you might have given.

The tip I would like you to give is this one: you're probably good at talking to eachother. That's great! Try to keep this up as it's the main reason why relationshops work or break down. But Starflier posting his question in the first place is evidence you could be talking to eachother even better! The things you asked were and still are pretty important to you and initially you could've asked CameraKitten first. Although I can understand posting such a thread and wanting to know what other people think, I myself would only do this after I talked to the person whom it concerns. Just to get rid and be ahead of any misunderstandings.

I'm not a mod, but for the safety on the forum and the peace of mind of yourselves, try to be gentle to eachother. read eachothers reactions thouroughly and if you don't comply or feel attacked by an opinion, say so in an aproppriate way. Or you can happily ignore the things you don't agree with. There's nothing wrong with dissagreeing with eachother though, but please try to keep it decent and try to make sure that you're a little calm and not too much heat up before you react to other people. That way we can all post happely with eachother.

Also I understand that the relationship between StarFlier and CameraKitten has been evolving and that the initial cercomstances in which Flier posted his thread have changed. This gives me the idea that he might be a little early with his post and his question, but I'll leave that up to him to acknowledge or dissagree. CameraKitten did well to show up, and I understand her reactions on the misunderstandings that have been here. I only hope you keep in mind that love is about you and Starflier being perfectly happy and not about reactions on a forum. If it takes hold of you too much what people say here, you always have the option of just leaving things alone. My opinion is that love is about having fun and talking to eachother in real life! So I sincerely hope you are perfectly happy together!
CameraKitten
Quote:
I only hope you keep in mind that love is about you and Starflier being perfectly happy and not about reactions on a forum.


Well, I cant really help it if I get defensive. Its part of who I am. I am VERY competative, and have been known to get into really dirty streetfights over candy...Or over my insured but very broken glasses...I have patience with alot of things, but not when it comes to what I see as personal attacks to myself or those I care about - I have no tolerance for it. I would seriously try to kill someone who hurt someone I love. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and for me that's definetly true. But it does take alot to get me to that place, even then. Like, I wont snap over a paper cut or even being pushed or whatever. But when that line's crossed, I seriously snap, and God be with the person that scorned me. It is BECAUSE of love that I react the way I do, and I wont ever let people speak badly of my love.
briancoit
CameraKitten wrote:
Quote:
I only hope you keep in mind that love is about you and Starflier being perfectly happy and not about reactions on a forum.


Well, I cant really help it if I get defensive. Its part of who I am. I am VERY competative, and have been known to get into really dirty streetfights over candy...Or over my insured but very broken glasses...I have patience with alot of things, but not when it comes to what I see as personal attacks to myself or those I care about - I have no tolerance for it. I would seriously try to kill someone who hurt someone I love. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and for me that's definetly true. But it does take alot to get me to that place, even then. Like, I wont snap over a paper cut or even being pushed or whatever. But when that line's crossed, I seriously snap, and God be with the person that scorned me. It is BECAUSE of love that I react the way I do, and I wont ever let people speak badly of my love.


dirty streetfights over candy? You'd seriously try to kill someone who hurt someone you loved? The impression I was getting five minutes ago was that you were the model christian Shocked for once, im not really sure how to say what im thinking, so I'm not going to attempt to, but you can probably guess.
CameraKitten
Quote:
The impression I was getting five minutes ago was that you were the model christian Shocked for once, im not really sure how to say what im thinking, so I'm not going to attempt to, but you can probably guess.


Lmao. Well, I am not a MODEL christian. No one is. Everyone has what I call a "Slip Sin" or two. Something everyone had MAJOR trouble with. My problems are swearing, attraction to darkness, and a fast temper when it coems to my family. I see THAT however as righteous anger and holy wrath, and its just gone over the deep end within me. Please, feel free to speak your mind. I wont be mad or anything like that unless its an intentional direct attack at my personality. Smile
Subsonic Sound
Honestly, if you were talking of getting married immediatly after two months, I'd advise against it. I've been in relationships where I've been convinced I've been in love - thoroughly, utterly convinced. And after a few months, they've slowly started to slip away.

But you're not talking of that - since you want to wait till it's legal, which is apparently a couple of years? There will be plenty of time for you to assess your situation, and time for you to change your mind IF things cool down.

So the best of luck to both of you. My only advice would be to try living together for at least 6 months before marriage, if your religion permits it. There are a lot of things about someone that may seem endearing or trivial in day to day life, but can start to grate when you have to live with them, and it's best to find that out BEFORE marriage. :p
CameraKitten
Quote:
My only advice would be to try living together for at least 6 months before marriage, if your religion permits it.


Its not that it DOESNT permit it, what's warned against is "Unprotected Cohabitation." Dont ask me where in the bible that is, I couldnt tell you where John 3:16 is. Well I could, but you get the point... But anyways, Unprotected Cohabitation is a very foggy thing. That could be referring to apartment complexes, CITIES, or just something as sharing a bed. So I choose not to nitpick about it. If Robin wants that, we'll do it. Besides, we were tossing around the idea of moving in with our friend Chris, whose in the process of trying to move to Canada. Once he gets here, we'll all move in.
Linda_B
So that would mean a couple that is weavering around to get married will start living together with another third person? I would want to be the third wheel of that bike....
CameraKitten
Quote:
So that would mean a couple that is weavering around to get married will start living together with another third person? I would want to be the third wheel of that bike....


Well, Chris is, how do I put it...Special? He isnt used to being alone and has alot of the same fears I have. He's also like a brother to us, or maybe even a kid of some sort, even though he's a tinch older than me. That's why we want to live with him. Partially because we love him and partially because we want to look out for him.
cavey
I think it shows you're both very mature and unselfish to take care of another person that way.
CameraKitten
THANK YOU, cavey. Finally someone sees what I mean @_@
bluefossil
you are screwed. college is when girls break out and be all freaky. They do not want a real relationship at this time. just enjoy it
Jaiye
bluefossil wrote:
you are screwed. college is when girls break out and be all freaky. They do not want a real relationship at this time. just enjoy it


as the saying goes, hit it and quit it.
chrismen
Well I think that having sex isn't that big of a deal. You need to do it to get your relationship moving forward. How weird it must be to talk about it before though... Anyways, I think 17 is just way to early to get married. Even 20 (I'm practically 20) is way too early I think. Enjoy life a little.
mike_phi
Great to have both opinions on this one, and I think its an intersting post.

I am a guy and from my experience I would have to say to the lady I really like your opinion and really admire the fact that you have manged to identify love and value in this guy and you must remember you might be the older one of the two of you but you are not old you are still young and at your age to have such value I would say your Boyfriend is a luck B**stard (I mean that in a nice way).

None the less as long as both of you have the feelings you have continue to enjoy and persue your relationship there is nothing better then two people who have their hearts and minds aligned, there are no speed limits on anything I believe.

Case A .
Some people have come to me and after having met a girl and had sex on the first or second date then they continue with the relationship and the girl becomes their girlfriend they start doubting her morals and actually ask me about it.

Case B:

Some guys think things are going too slow and its boring to wait for sex


well caseB guys I think just have to be patient and Case A guys and girls there is nothing wrong if things moved faster for you does not mean your or your girlfreinds morals are at lower levels than normal.

so the point is its not the speed of too slow to fast to seripous its all about communication and whats in your hearts, how you feel.

so back to the two of you I think just flow with the feelings you have within you your speed and comitment lies within that comfort zone.

cheers and good luck
windrei
as you said, she express her feelings to you plainly. You can also do the same. Just tell her your feelings, that the present situation to you is too fast. You wanna slow down a little bit. Don't think about the marriagea. It's really so far away to you. You are only 17. i think it's your first love, right ? Frankly speaking, first love is always a failure, even you put much love and time and anything on it. Don't be angry. What i wanna say is, "don't be so serious. Just let your feeling go itself. The future is so blurred for you two now."

And, of course, your hormones have different opinions. It's normal that you wanna sleep with her. You are in the golden age.
CameraKitten
Lmao, thanks Mike, he IS a lucky bastard, if I do say so myself. Lol. I tell you, I've had many opportunities to get different men, but THIS one has my heart and no ammount of offers will change that. As far as the age thing goes, I know we're both young, and I DO intend to wait to make that level of committment, for sure, but do we have to hide the fact that that is where we wanna get to? I think the major reason most relationships out there fail because there is no real sense of goals, or where they wanna go with eachother. I know that as soon as Starflier and I are financially sound, emotionally ready, and stable enough to BE married, we'll start planning a wedding. If we were to do it now, realistically, we'd both be on welfare, or working at McDonalds, with no chance of going anywhere better, living paycheck to paycheck, and we'd probably end up trying to kill eachother. He and I both need to grow and shape what our relationship looks like before we plan a wedding. But just because our tree is a sapling doesnt mean we cant make it grow into a spruce, you know what I'm saying?
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