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My poem on child labour





ifmr
A child's cry

Papa ,papa I want to go to school,

Papa said Shut up your mouth you little fool,

Now go to work with your lunch and tool,

Before the sun melts the dawns cool.



So I start my lonely walk,

Keeping my thoughts private with no one to talk

I can hear the song of the skylark,

As I gaze longingly at the childrens Park

.

After my long stroll, I reach the mine,

Where I have to work till nine,

I pretend everything is fine,

And start to work, Otherwise I wont have anything to dine.

.



My heart is broken, because my friend Ted is dead,

Some say it was because he inhaled poisonous lead

Whatever it is, his face was red,

And he fell sick and died in bed.



This job in mine is worst I hate,

My mother says Dear Tom, this is our fate

My Father says go to work, if you want a full plate.

I'm sure Ill fall sick and die, if I work at this rate.



My greatest dream is to learn,

And to get a job by it and earn,

When I see other school going boys,My heart burns,

With desire to study, alas my heart can only yearn.
Blaster
Its very moving. It is a really good poem. I belive everyone should have a chace to get a good education so that they can give to there family and maybe live an even better life. Very Happy
Ghost900
Ya I think it is a very good poem. Not to long and not to short for me to read. Very Happy
Traveller
It is a very good sentiment, but not a very well-written poem: it lacks any sense of scansion. Free verse would give one the license to ignore meter, but as soon as one employs rhyme, one also takes on the burden of structure.

Beginning poets often fall into one of two traps: either they believe that something may be called a poem simply because it rhymes, or they learn about free verse and write a bunch of sentences (with no sense of artistry) that should really be standard prose.

This poem is not hoplessly bad - it just needs some work. Perhaps there is a poets' group in your area where you could share your work and get some pointers. In the group to which I used to belong, we would each read something, then each give suggestions. It was often very helpful since, when something is newly written, we're usually too close to it to notice what may be obvious to others. In addition, it was a lot of fun.

Good luck!
poet
read on of the above comments and am very disappointed by it. all that matters when writing anything, is if it comes from within. I like what you have writen and do hope you cont. to post your works. Only ones who use any type of style in my view are the ones who comercialize it. great job!
vexation
Good job. This pays great homage to the children undergoing this plight everyday. What I liked about this poem was the imagery and how you simplified the language to make it feel like a child really felt this.

However, this poem lacks structure(meter). Also, the rhymes seem forced and you force certain lines to rhyme by skewing the length of the line just so a word will "fit" coherently, which somewhat kills the meaning of the poem and makes it sound somewhat cheesy. My prime advice would be to regulate the length of lines and rewrite lines that are too long. An example of that is:

Quote:
And start to work, Otherwise I wont have anything to dine.
This line is much longer than any of the other lines in that stanza and makes the poem seem choppy. This one, however, is incredibly wordy and just needs to be compressed (i.e., "and start to work so i can dine")



Quote:
My greatest dream is to learn,

And to get a job by it and earn,

When I see other school going boys,My heart burns,

With desire to study, alas my heart can only yearn.


This stanza to me was the weakest of them all, the one that needed the most help. The third line does not fit, as burns is the most forced rhyme in the poem...debatible whether burns even fits the scheme.
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