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FRUIT IS HEALTHY , a cautionary poem

We met in a gas station, her and I,
We both had our eye on the last beef pie.
She batted her lashes, sent my heart in a flurry,
I let her have the beef and found a chicken curry
My foot in the door, we ate in the park,
I acted like Bambi and thought like a shark,
An hour and all of my best jokes later,
This princess of pies said tonight I could date her.
I saw her and smiled from ear to ear,
I kissed her cheek and pressed her near,
“You’re five minutes late”, I said and laughed,
She wiggled her hips and I grabbed her ass.
Holy shit but the sparks did fly,
Love bit us both in the blink of an eye,
We hit the dancefloor, two bodies as one,
My swivelling hips and her tight little bum.
It all seemed so perfect ‘till half past ten,
Which is round when the first belly rumbles began.
I stood at the bar with my legs slightly parted,
Guiltily coughed and silently farted.
I watched her, looking for realisation,
Of the change in atmosphere situation,
Saw her face turn white as she caught a whiff,
Of the chemical weapon I’d set adrift.
I looked in disgust at the man in front,
Pointed my finger and mouthed, “What a ******!”
I grabbed her hand, we moved away,
And I grinned at my cunning, masterful play.
But a couple more similar incidents later,
My knees went weak and my bowels turned traitor,
My belly heaved, my insides fluttered,
And down my leg a dribble scuttered.
I made my excuses, escaped to the loo,
Nearly heart failure at sight of the queue,
Held on for a minute, my arse to the wall,
My legs crossed and my fists in a ball.
Close to eruption, I just couldn’t wait,
I needed to go and continue my date,
So I crashed through the door at the end of the hall,
Setting off the alarm as I tripped and sprawled.
I lay there alone on the carpark floor,
Leg in a bin as alarm bells roar,
And gave up control on the clamour below,
Opened the gates and let it flow.
A moment of calm did seem to descend,
After finally emptying out my rear end,
Till reality dawned, soon I’d be busted,
Face in the dirt and pants poo encrusted.
My position was grim, I had to act fast,
So I used my socks to wipe my ass.
I dumped my jeans and took off my shirt,
Wrapped it around me, a makeshift skirt.
And thus I reentered the lion’s den,
Walked past the Ladies’ and the queue for the Men’s,
Raucous laughter, smart comments and shouts,
I held my head high and ignored the louts.
I made it almost half way across the bar,
Could see my lover, so near yet so far,
Surrounded by sleazy, leering vultures,
Spawned from a pink t-shirt, hair styling culture.
But her back was turned as the doormen jumped me,
Dragged me to the door and rudely dumped me,
Without the skirt I’d lost in the brawl,
And only my hand to cover my balls.
Defeated and naked I walked to the street,
Wearing only the runners I had on my feet,
Went home in a taxi, straight to my bed,
The spark between us completely dead.
My story should serve as gentle warning,
To anyone who in the morning,
Might fancy a quick and easy snack,
I advise an apple - put the chicken pie back.
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